Four

('Love? Blecch!')

Davin Sunrider the Dark Side Comedian was trapped in someone else's story, he had just learned. Not only was it a fan-fic, it was a ZelGan fan-fic, something with which he had little to no experience.

The Fangirl, the author of the fictional universe he was living in, floated next to him on a chair shaped like a cloud, a reality-bending laptop in her lap, through which she was attempting to write the story Davin was intruding upon.

"All right," said The Fangirl, "stand over there. When I unpause the story, tell Zelda you just barely managed to dodge her magic attack. Ready?"

No, Davin thought to himself. Not now, not ever.

Time began moving again; Zelda's magic blast smashed the door behind Davin into splinters, and the princess finished the gasp she had been making when The Fangirl had paused the story.

"I'm so sorry, Master Comedian!" Zelda exclaimed, rushing over to him. "Are you all right?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine," said Davin. "Er, Ganondorf sent me up here to ah, guard you. Link is inside the castle, and Ganon doesn't want him freeing you." He nervously rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "I'd like to help you escape and all, but I don't think- Ow!"

The Fangirl had kicked him in the shoulder from her cloud-chair. "Don't help her escape, you idiot!" she hissed in his ear. "Zelda is supposed to stay here with Ganondorf!"

"Fine!" Davin growled back at the other young writer. "I'll make sure she doesn't leave."

Zelda showed no signs of having perceived the exchange 'beyond the fourth wall', which was good. Davin had no idea how to explain his bizarre situation to her.

The princess smiled sadly, laying a hand upon his shoulder. "I appreciate your sentiments, anyway, Master Sunrider," she said. "Ganondorf cannot be an easy master, so I understand why you would not want to cross him."

"Yeah, it sucks when tyrants keep you from doing what you want to do," said Davin. The Fangirl kicked him again.

"Please, tell me one of your joking stories," Zelda said, gesturing to the two chairs by the window of her room. "I would appreciate the distraction."

"Uh, okay," said Davin as he sat down. Zelda's sense of humor was much different than Ganondorf's; she likely would not appreciate some of the jokes he had told to the Dark Lord, especially the ones about the King of Hyrule.

Davin sighed. He knew one line guaranteed to make Zelda break out into hysterical laughter, but his ego had been bruised enough already.

"Hey," he said, looking over at her. "How many Moblins does it take to re-light a lantern?"

Zelda was by now well familiar with the way Davin structured his jokes; he could see her starting to smile already as she asked, "I do not know. How many?"

"Two," Davin said. "One to re-light the lantern, and one to kick him over the castle wall and take the credit."

Zelda laughed brightly at this, and Davin felt better; he definitely did feel sorry for the princess, even if she was fictional. She was probably the one person in the entire castle who was actually nice to him.

He was about to tell her another joke when the splintered remains of the door slammed open, further splintering them. Into the room strode...

Well, Davin supposed the person was meant to be Link. He had the hat, though it kept slipping down over his eyes, and he held the Master Sword in one hand. He was rather short, perhaps not even five feet tall, though he was clearly meant to be in his late teens. His face was covered in acne, and his dark blond hair was greasy beneath his cap.

Davin rolled his eyes, looking up at The Fangirl with a 'you've got to be kidding me' expression. She glared back, then looked down at her screen. She looked up at Link, standing frozen in the doorway, then back at Davin.

The Fangirl sighed heavily, then tapped the 'backspace' key on her reality-bending laptop several times. She typed a few lines, and suddenly, Link gained eight inches in height, his acne disappeared, and his clothes fit him better.

"Happy?" she said down at Davin.

The Dark Side Comedian nodded once. "Much better," he said. He gestured to the Hero. "Continue."

Time resumed its normal pace. "Princess!" Link exclaimed, striding forward through the broken remnants of the door. "Quickly, come with me! We have to get out of here!"

Zelda immediately jumped to her feet. "Come with us, Davin!" she said, turning to the young man.

Davin eyed The Fangirl suspiciously as she bent over her screen, furiously typing away; this was not going to turn out well, he suspected.

"Sure," he said to Zelda as he got up. "I've been wanting to get out of here for..."

Davin trailed off as, as he had been expecting, Ganondorf kicked what little remained of the abused door out of his way and stomped into the room, crushing the fragments of wood beneath his heavy boots. This particular door's days of facilitating dramatic entrances were definitely over now.

"I thought I'd find you here!" Ganondorf snarled at Link, raising his freaking huge sword.

Link dropped into a defensive stance, moving in front of Zelda as he brought up the Master Sword in response. The Hero narrowed his eyes in concentration, preparing himself for battle.

Davin tugged at Zelda's sleeve. "We should move," he said. "They're going to fight now, and it may get... well, medieval."

The princess followed him over to the tower cell's cold, bare fireplace, where the two of them stood as Link and Ganondorf glared at each other.

"I hope the Hero succeeds," Zelda said to Davin.

"Me, too, but he won't," Davin muttered irritably. "There's no way he'll win this."

Zelda gave him an odd look. "How do you know?"

Davin glared past her at The Fangirl on her cloud. "I have my suspicions."

"Your dark reign is at an end, Ganondorf!" Link declared boldly, brandishing the Master Sword.

"Foolish boy!" Ganondorf sneered. "A puny wastrel such as you could never hope to defeat me!"

Davin stepped out of the fireplace, waving his arms for attention. "Stop!" he shouted at The Fangirl. "Stop it right there!"

She looked over the side of her cloud-chair at him. "What?"

Davin raised a disbelieving eyebrow as he looked up at her. " 'Wastrel'? Really? You're really going to make Ganondorf say 'wastrel'?"

"What's wrong with that?" The Fangirl asked, puzzled.

Davin slapped the palm of his hand against his forehead. He sighed, placing his hands on his hips. "You know what? Never mind. It's your story."

"That's right," said The Fangirl. "And you're intruding on it. So shut up and stay out of the way."

She paused, her fingers hovering over the keyboard, and looked back down at him. "Why?" she asked. "Do you have a better idea?"

Davin's mind whirled. It pleaded to go mad again, but when he presented the counter-argument that he had to be mad anyway to be here, it conceded his point and resumed thinking.

"Make it a comedy," he said suddenly.

"It's not a comedy!" The Fangirl objected. "It's supposed to be-"

Davin waved a hand. "Yeah, yeah, love, blecch, whatever. Listen, you want to get me out of here?"

The Fangirl nodded fervently.

"Then make this a comedy," Davin said. "Comedies are short, or the good ones are, anyway. Throw in an absurd twist or two, wrap the whole thing up with a punchline, and I'm out of your hair. Er, imagination. Whatever."

The Fangirl looked dubious.

Davin sighed again, a short, desperate sound. "Look; we both know the only way I'm getting out of here is if I help guide the story to its end. Either you make this a comedy, in which case I'm out of here in a couple chapters or so, or we can go on with your dramatic love story plan, in which case I'll be here for weeks, slogging back and forth through this castle trying to get these two," he gestured at Ganondorf and Zelda, "to like each other. I am not inclined to do that right now."

The Fangirl paused in thought. "I could just have them suddenly surrender to passion and jump into that bed over there," she said, pointing to Zelda's bed.

Davin slapped his forehead again. "Oh geez, a Porn Without Plot? Really? You're gonna make me watch that?" He gestured to the frozen characters. "Hey, what you do in your own imagination is your business, but not while I'm in it. I don't want to see that."

The world remained frozen for a few moments longer while The Fangirl thought. "Fine," she said sulkily. "Comedy it is."

She typed at her computer for a moment, occasionally glancing up at the frozen characters, and snickered to herself a few times. Davin hoped the jokes were good.

Meanwhile, Davin amused himself by pantomiming a conversation between the paused Dark Lord and Hero.

He stepped over next to Ganondorf, imitating his deep, booming voice. "So, what's the deal with you, kid?"

Davin jumped over next to Link, pitching his voice higher, and, just to be random, gave the Hero an Irish accent. "What do ya mean, 'what's the deal' with me, eh? You've got some sort of problem with me, do ya?"

Ganondorf: "Well, aside from you killing off all my minions and trying to foil my plans, not really."

Link: "What's wrong with me killin' your minions, then? We're not on the same side, now are we?"

Ganondorf: "That's a horrible accent. I mean, not even close to a real Irish person. You racist bastard."

Link: "Oh, callin' me a racist, are ya then? I've half a mind to bash your noggin with a pint of Guinness!"

Ganondorf: "Now, see, that's exactly what I'm talking about. I don't care if you really do have Irish ancestors or not, that's just asinine."

Link: "Tellin' me I have nine asses now, are ya? That's it, boyo; it's bashing time!"

"Stop it!" The Fangirl screamed.

Davin froze in the midst of jumping back into position next to Ganondorf, looking up at her guiltily. "Sorry," he said, edging away from the paused characters.

"I'm writing this, not you," The Fangirl snapped. "I don't care if you're bored, and I don't care if you don't like how the story is going. Sit still, shut up, and wait for me to finish."

"That's not a very nice way to talk to your audience," said Davin.

"You aren't my audience!" The Fangirl exploded. "You weren't going to read this when I posted it, anyway, so you don't get to complain about how I'm doing it."

"Yeah, well, I am here," Davin retorted. "I'm your audience, and also sort of one of your characters, so I have the right to tell you when you do something I don't like!"

"No, you don't," replied The Fangirl.

Davin scoffed. "Geez, who made you God?" he said sarcastically.

"Me," said The Fangirl. "This is my imagination we're in, so I get to do whatever I want in here."

Davin had to reluctantly concede this point, as well. Technically, he was an intruder here, albeit an unwilling one. "Fine," he said impatiently, crossing his arms and tapping his foot on the stone floor. "Make with the funny so's I can get out of here, then."

The Fangirl lifted her chin and looked down her nose at him. "Art cannot be rushed," she said loftily.

Davin was unable to contain his snort of sarcastic laughter.

The Fangirl leaned over the side of her chair and narrowed her eyes at him, turning upon him that uniquely female expression reserved for males who have profoundly irritated them in some way. Davin half expected lightning bolts to leap from her eyes and incinerate him any moment now.

Davin swallowed nervously and licked his lips. "Sorry," he said. "Take your time."

Author's Note: Thanks to HAL-9001 for the Moblin joke. Thanks also to all the readers and reviewers; it's great to see you all having so much fun with this. Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in: 'Isn't This Over Yet?', coming soon. Thanks for reading!