A/N I have really enjoyed writing this. I cannot explain how much follows, reviews and favourites have meant to me, that people have taken the time to do this, or even just seeing on the traffic stats that people are viewing and visiting. I would like to keep writing, maybe even a sequel or companion to this...any suggestions or guidance or opinions would be hugely appreciated. Thank you

I will fight to let her be heard, to tell her story, to try and ensure her sacrifice protects others, to help her know she is believed and to tell her that this is worth pursuing, she is worth the struggle.

I take a deep breath and walk into the courthouse, repeating this quasi-mantra to myself, knowing that I have armored myself for the battle to come. I have slipped comfortably back into my work self, the tribulations of the last night left securely at home.

I nod my head making eye contact, hoping to communicate my silent support.

"Good Morning Rollins"

"Morning Counselor" she returns quickly, her eyes barely glancing in my direction before they scuttled down to her silent phone. She clasps the phone, too tightly, as if it's her anchor to some safety. She tries to look busy with the phone while she bites her bottom lip. She looks, outwardly, as she always does. Then on further inspection, her shoulders hunch slightly, the pose reminiscent of a body used to violence, expecting a blow but trying to hide its' attempt to protect itself. Her downcast eyes can't hide the fresh redness, the black circles or the tiredness. Her foot is jiggling slightly, in an attempt to discharge the nervous apprehension I can sense from her.

As she realizes I haven't moved away, she chances a quick glance through the hair that partly obscures her face.

When I see her look me in the eye uncomfortably, I gently whisper "I will fight to let you be heard".

Her eyes plummet to the floor. She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, as she considers this….

Her eyes shoot up to mine, then plunge back to the floor.

Her breath hitches expectantly, as if to speak, before thinking better of it. Her nose scrunches up as only she can, she chews her lip and decides to just tightly nod.

"You know where I am…." I risk before I exaggeratedly check my watch, mutter something about the time and continue into the courtroom.

I start to lay out my things on the table, files, notes, reminders…all in the order I expect to need them, when a hand gently touches my shoulder….

"Sergeant…." I nod over my shoulder in greeting.

"Counselor" she responds, with the tiniest flicker of a smile as I stand and turn towards her.

"Have you seen her yet?" she continues quietly.

"Yes" I admit, taking a second to consider our exchange only minutes before.

"She looks tired and a little on edge" I answer to Benson's silent question. The implication between us is that she whilst she clearly didn't sleep and is nervous, she is composed, ostensibly 'keeping it together'.

"Hmmmmm" is my response as we both consider where she is now and deliberate our imminent meeting.

For a second we both slip into the memories of last evening. Our eyes drawn unconsciously to the stand… the creaking of the opening doors pulls us back to today, to now, as Rollins enters.

"Sergeant. Counselor." She says as soon as she is close enough. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I was planning on doing…." Strangely a small chuckle escapes her mouth, "Actually, I couldn't tell you because I didn't plan it".

Somehow this admission breaks the awkwardness that had enveloped us.

"Amanda. I'm sorry. Sorry for what Patten put you through, that you had no one to help you, at the time, in Atlanta." She stops deliberately. Ducking her head low to one side and searching her out behind the curtain of blonde hair, she pulls Rollins eyes back up from the floor with the movement of her head and holds her gaze.

"That is not the case anymore." She shares slowly, wanting her words to land, to not get brushed off by the hurt woman. "I,… We, are here for you" she immediately amends gesturing to me. Rollins' eyes follow the direction of Olivia's hand, meeting my eyes long enough to allow me yet another nod. It feels like all I have done today is nod. God, I hope all these nods with their very different meanings are distinguishable outside of my head. I try to imbue this nod with my support, my sorrow, my wish to help and twenty other feelings I can't put into words….. I stay silent, allowing Olivia to speak, knowing she will say what is needed so much better than I ever could.

In any other situation, to allow someone to speak for me would be unthinkable, but here, now it feels like the most natural thing to do.

"We want to listen, to help, in anyway we can. Amanda, you are not alone. Barba will fight to get your testimony admitted, but know that we HEAR you. We BELIEVE you. Regardless of the outcome here…." she gestures towards the bench idly, "We are here for you. The boys will be too…" she dwindles off questioningly.

Rollins looks confused, embarrassed and slightly unbelievingly, at the floor while Olivia voices these truths, until she mentions Fin and Amaro, then her face contorts in horror, her mouth falling open, the word "NO" tumbling out…

Olivia reaches her hand out to gently grasp her arm, careful to allow Amanda to watch its journey. "Amanda. It's ok. I'm not going to tell them. They know enough unless YOU want to tell them more. It's your choice. I won't take it away. You have to know that they just want to help you. They understand…they don't….judge…. I know."

Amanda sniffles softly, nodding in gratitude as she turns away to take a seat.

Olivia's phone summons her temporarily outside, before she returns to claim a seat in the back, Nick sitting with her, Fin with his partner.

I have only a moment to reflect on the incredible grace, and honesty I just had the honor of witnessing. I was astounded by Olivia's perfect words. Their simplicity, belying their profundity. And the final detail, the gentle reminder, she does understand. I'm reminded how much I wish she didn't understand. I wish neither of them had to go through this. I saw Rollins' face as she said that. She understood how hard it was for Liv to make this tiny admission. She knows that Liv never references Lewis. Never. Its too hard, even a year after her trial, 18 months after the events, it's too difficult. She only found the strength to allude to her own agony to help someone else.

I am completely in awe of this woman. Of both of these women… Amanda came in and faced us both together. In advance of perhaps testifying in open court, in front of her peers, about her long denied rape, she found the strength to come talk to her boss and ADA. It is something I can only aspire to.

I fix my tie knowingly, pulling my head back into the trial, straightening my paperwork, even more determined.

As we approach the bench at the judge's behest, the defense is already objecting.

" …..wasn't on the prosecution's list"

"…been sitting in on testimony"

"…no molyneaux hearing…"

I interject that "prior bad acts are admissible when they speak clearly to pattern."

I look pleadingly at her. She looks a little more carefully at the paper in her hand…oh please….even if she later rules it stricken from the record, please let her just be heard…..

"….. she'll be testifying to an unsubstantiated allegation, which was never reported, no charges were ever filed….." the defense continues…

She doesn't look impressed as my 'colleague' snorts "you can't be serious". She looks and leans slightly towards me and starts

"….having read the summary text of this witness' testimony, it is my ruling…

I can't help my mouth gaping a little, my eyes fixed on her, my heart is beating so loud I can barely hear her words…..

" it would be more prejudicial than probative, I will not allow this witness to testify".

I can barely keep my composure as she delivers this dreaded but not entirely unexpected result. I barely mutter a hoarse "the prosecution rests", shaking my head in answer to her question, worried my voice is not capable of making itself understood.

Dammit!

You failed again Rafael.

I really knew when I heard her testimony in prep, it wouldn't be allowed, but I so desperately wanted to help have her voice heard…

The guilt is crushing.

And now I have to tell her. Oh god!

I need Liv to be there. This failure, my failure is going to devastate her. I need help….I don't know how to do this alone.

I am slow in leaving the bench, anxiously trying to postpone the inevitable.

I stagger out to the hallway, hugely grateful to find Olivia with Rollins. One look at my gutted face and Olivia saves me the need to find the words, whispering "she said no".

I just nodded again, and Rollins stalks towards me.

"After all that, she won't let me testify." Her anger is tinged with relief and I'm almost grateful for her reaction.

"It was always a long shot…" I try to explain.

"So what happens next?" asks Olivia.

And I owe her a debt of gratitude for saving me again. Those four words turn the conversation from concentrating on a loss to striving towards victory again.

"My bet, Patten takes the stand. It's a 'he said - she said…. He's got to say something….." I turn intentionally to Rollins at this point, "…And I'll get him".

I have every intention of keeping this promise. I will not let him walk. If I need to make a deal, I will, but he will not escape justice. Her face falling and the looks of barely concealed disgust, outrage, disbelief and disappointment are seared into my essence…..

Patten, true to my prediction takes the stand and I disregard the majority of his excuses, his play-to-the-crowd apologies to his wife and Atlanta PD, all his calculating BS just floats by me.

I listen intently for anything I can use…

I try not to picture Rollins. Or Olivia. I'm glad now that they are all behind me so I don't have to see their expressions of disappointment.

WAIT! THERE! THAT! That may be enough. If I don't jump on it too quick, too eagerly….. Let him almost forget he said it…..

With a sense of renewed hope I start my cross-examination gently. Asking about his alleged consensual affair with Det. Taymore…remembering how he had slipped up telling this story to Chief Dobbs….

"You said that you would never harm a woman…..does that include any other young blonde subordinates you've mentored?"

I say it calmly hoping he doesn't see it for what it is, that his arrogance won't let him see it….. I stand back turning slightly, leading his gaze towards Rollins in the public gallery.

His lawyer jumps up objecting, but….. the judge sustains it but….

"Are you talking about Amanda Rollins?" he spits out indignantly. "I didn't rape her. Or that other girl. Or any of them. That's what they say when they don't get what they want….."

YES! He said it….maybe now he has opened the door…..

My entire focus has contracted down, to only this exchange. Nothing else exists.

I need to make him feel more comfortable, go back to the 'safe' subject of his wife, lull him into a false sense of security, then twist it, make it about Det. Taymore….pick at his story…...

Good! He's losing his temper.

This is working…..

Something isn't right…

NO! Is he having a heart attack?

No this can't be happening!

I was beginning to get somewhere...

This is what I mean about not all wins in SVU are cause for celebration.

I didn't lose.

I just don't think I won either.

He will plead to sexual abuse in the third degree. He will go onto the sexual offenders register, he will leave the police force, not seek out any other work in law enforcement, and even allocute to the offence in court, but is it enough?

I ask myself these questions as we sit in the courtroom for the last time. The deal is nearly done. All we need now is for it to go on record.

I specified the allocution as one of the terms, in the hope that somehow it will bring Rollins some closure. Maybe to hear him admit to a sexual assault will help her move forward…. Maybe it has as much power as a jury finding him guilty, because he can't dispute his actions when he has to say the words, admit to what he did ...…

Liv isn't present in court today. She wanted to but can't be here. I understand and I know Rollins does too. Rollins sits directly behind me, with Fin and Amaro, one on each side of her, Chief Dodds and Det. Taymore behind them.

"Deputy Chief Patten, your lawyer tells me you would like to plead guilty to sexual abuse in the third degree, is that correct?"

"Yes your Honor"

"Do you make this plea knowingly and voluntarily?"

"I do"

"Has anyone induced you or in anyway coerced you into pleading guilty?"

"No"

"You engaged in sexual intercourse with Det. Reese Taymore, as named in the indictment against you. And Det. Taymore did not consent to that sexual contact, is that correct?"

"Yes"

"I accept your plea, Deputy Chief."

I let out a breath, I hadn't realized I was holding…All that is left is to ask if he wants to say anything. I wordlessly hope that he makes apologies to both Det. Taymore and Rollins. Makes some acknowledgment of the wrong he did….

I can't help but look to him as the judge poses this question….

He looks from Rollins to Det. Taymore as he seems to ponder this question…

He turns forward again, "No your Honor".

My heart sinks again even though it was expected.

Rollins says "its over". She seemed to be glad he didn't escape completely, even though he won't go to jail.

I don't know if she feels betrayed by the system? By me?

I don't really know how she feels; she doesn't like to show her emotions. Maybe she has so many things swirling around inside her, it is impossible for her to feel anything.

I know Liv tried to talk to her. To try to urge her to talk to a therapist, to 'free' herself after five years of suffering, and I hope she will. She deserves peace and happiness.

Attempting to emulate Liv's style, the only thing I said after the plea was accepted was, "My door is always open, Detective. Anything I can do….". I tried to make eye contact so she knew I meant it…..I think a similar approach worked for Liv. I hope even the knowledge that she has people who want to help, may comfort her. Sometimes I wish I were a different type of person, one who knows how to start a conversation like that. Someone who could tell Liv how amazing she is and how I feel about her….

It's over, but I still have a lot to process after this trial. There'll be a lot of sleepless nights. There's a lot of re-evaluating to be done.

I have never felt more like part of the team than I do now but I understand that I need to lower my boundaries and let people in. I need to try a lot harder to help keep them safe.

I still feel guilt about Rollins though, I know I couldn't stop her rape but I wish I could have done more….

It was me who pushed her at every turn to tell me about her dealings with Patten.

It was me who pushed her to prepare her testimony. If her testimony hadn't been so damning… If I hadn't known its full content and I let her testify without preparing, her realization and admission would have been on record.

I pushed her to understand that she wasn't assaulted she was raped.

I told her it that this was all necessary…..