Disclaimer: We own nothing
A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Holy crap! Almost 60 reviews already, I simply cannot believe it! I never thought this fic would connect with people this way but I really am touched by all of these reviews. You make me want to come home from class and start writing as soon as I get in (stupid homework!) hehehe. It seems like that final scene with Jane and Lisbon in chapter 3 really touched people, well you'll see more of that in this chapter, I hope you enjoy it.
A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Sorry for the wait, darn school. But we're here and I think this one is a good one. One thing a lot of people have been pointing out is that this story seems researched, well it is. We actually did A LOT of research into rape, the different kinds of rapes, how to recover from rape, how to treat a rape victim and the history of rape. We even read some anonymous stories from Take Back The Night. Uh yeah, I sincerely hope no one looks at our search history because they will be terrified, LOL. All of this was done so you all can get a real feel for the pain and trauma a rape victim goes through. It's not going to be easy, but we hope you'll all come out enlightened and pleased with the result.
Remember we respond to all reviews so please sign in so we can PM you, but we like to respond to those anonymous reviewers too.
Anonymous Reviews:
Flicka: Yes Jane does want him dead, but he isn't the only one. In a much later chapter you'll see exactly what we mean here. We already know on the show that Jane has no qualms with revenge, we see no reason why that would be any different with Lisbon's rapist.
mmm: Our school is damned LOL, well we try to find the time to work on this story. We seem to be doing alright for now.
Anna: Awww thanks! Well we try! Hope this update is soon enough for you
123TellMeYouLoveMe: That final scene was something we really wanted to do, it was important to show Lisbon's feelings of isolation as well as her own anger. But also to show how much this is really affecting Jane. As the story progresses it will become even more apparent that Jane is living with this tragedy almost as much as Lisbon is, in a lot of ways, that will bring them closer together. Yes it was sweet how she let him hold her, we're afraid you'll have to get used to that ;-) As for the intensity, ooooh the intensity of this fic is no where near it's peak. Chapter 5 will give you a big taste of what to expect, we guarantee it. We'll never apologize for the longer chapters, we love writing them!
Chapter 4: Somewhere Safe
Lisbon was anxious to go home. The hospital room was quickly feeling like a cage, a cage where there seemed to be an endless stream of doctors and nurses coming in to check up on her. She hated it. And she couldn't help but notice that there seemed to be more than usual.
One nurse had come in to check her blood pressure early that morning; another had come by later to check her injuries. After a completely different nurse had dropped off her breakfast tray, Lisbon began to get concerned.
"Why are so many nurses coming in here?" she wondered aloud as she stirred a fork through the dry scrambled eggs on her tray.
"This is a hospital," Tommy reminded her, "that's usually where you can find nurses."
She glared at his response. "Do you think they are coming by to watch me?"
"No I think they are doing their job." Lisbon didn't reply; she wasn't as convinced. Even during her brief stay in the hospital after she was shot by O'Laughlin she hadn't had this many nurses filing into her room.
Lisbon turned her attention towards the food in front of her but she didn't take more than a couple of bites before setting it aside. "You should eat," Tommy said.
"Hospital food sucks," she told him. That was true but it wasn't the truth.
"Then why don't I go get you something? A bagel? Muffin?"
"I'm fine, Tommy." She wasn't hungry. She hadn't actually had a real appetite since the attack. Food was the last thing on her mind now.
Tommy let out a long sigh. "What can I do for you, Reese? What do I have to do to make this easier on you?"
"Take me home?" Lisbon offered with a fake smile but Tommy didn't take the bait. She looked down at her scraped hands and stubby fingernails, clipped for evidence. Tommy was trying so hard; he was doing exactly what he was supposed to. He was being the concerned brother who was supportive and sweet. She was the one that was messing everything up. "You're doing enough already," she finally told him, "this is just going to be hard."
This would have been the perfect opportunity for Tommy to hold her hand, to take comfort in each other's presence. But he didn't, she was grateful for that. She didn't want to see the hurt in his eyes when she pulled away from him again.
A fourth nurse came in to take her virtually untouched breakfast tray; raising her suspicions again that something was afoot. She didn't have a lot of time to ruminate over the endless chain of nurses that enjoyed coming in to see her. A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.
Rigsby stood awkwardly in the doorway, a little box of tupperware in his hands. His eyes shifted but never fully landed on her, he didn't want to look at her. She couldn't really blame him; she must look like an absolute mess. "Hey Rigsby," she said with fake cheer.
"Hey," he said slowly but still had a hard time meeting her eyes.
Lisbon gave Tommy a look and he got the message pretty quick. "I'm going to get some coffee," He said standing up and giving her a smile. She needed to talk to her team member alone.
For a long moment they just looked at each other. Lisbon decided to borrow from one of Jane's tactics and wait quietly for Rigsby to talk. It always worked on her. "I uh…brought this," he said and placed the container on her tray.
She couldn't help but smile when she saw the small pile of dark brown squares. "Mrs. Cassini's brownies," she said. The lovely old Italian woman was the wife of one Frank Cassini, the security guard, and her brownies were the only reason anyone went to the annual office party. "You know these are used as currency in Financial Crimes," Lisbon reminded him with a small grin. "You sure you want to give these to me?"
"Well I ate a couple on my way over here."
That made her chuckle just a little. That was Rigsby, always thinking with his stomach first. It was nice to see that some things hadn't changed. She noticed his somewhat haggard appearance and remembered her previous conversation with Jane over chess. "I hope you guys went home and got some sleep, you can't run on coffee."
Rigsby nodded slowly. "Yeah, we did."
"That's good." Another long moment of silence followed as Rigsby avoided meeting her eyes. "Anymore suspects?"
He looked up a little surprised by her question; he was definitely uncomfortable talking about her case. "Uh…no, we talked to one of the staff but uh…it wasn't him."
"Oh," she said, not sure what else could be said. They still didn't know who attacked her and with every passing minute the likelihood that they would fell further away.
But that wasn't what hurt her. It was the way Rigsby couldn't look at her. That was what she feared most, that this attack would ruin her relationship with her team. Did they no longer see her as their boss and friend? Had she lost their respect? "Rigsby," she began very softly, "would you please look at me?"
He forced his eyes to meet hers and Lisbon felt her heart crack and splinter. He really didn't want to follow her wish. "I'm…I'm still me," she told him.
"I know that, Boss."
"Then why won't you look me in the eye?"
Rigsby swallowed. "Because I don't like seeing you like this."
Now she was the one who looked away. She didn't want to cry in front of him, shedding even a single tear would only make this worse. But hiding her pain was not possible anymore. Rigsby stepped forward. "It's not what you are thinking," he said and put a hand on her arm.
But she flinched away from his touch and he took a step back quickly. "I'm sorry…I…I forgot."
"No, it's okay," Lisbon told him, but her voice was cracking under the strain of her emotions.
"No, it's not," Rigsby replied.
She turned away on to her side. "Maybe you should just go."
But he didn't move. He was quiet for a long time before saying in a very shaky voice. "Boss it's really…you're still Lisbon. It's just…what happened to you…we should have stopped it."
Lisbon turned over to look at him again. "Don't say that. This wasn't your fault. You and the others have nothing to blame yourselves for, there was nothing that you could have done."
He nodded and gave her a small smile. "You going to be okay?"
She returned the smile with a faux one of her own. "Of course," she lied, "I'll be fine. I'll be back at work before you know it." Lisbon decided to keep things light. "Just keep an eye on Jane while I'm gone, don't let him get into too much trouble."
Rigsby smiled again. "I won't."
"Good, now if you don't mind, you have work to do and I have brownies to eat." She kept the smile on her face as he walked out of the door, giving her a small wave of goodbye. Only when he was gone did she let her face fall.
Lisbon put the small container of sweets on the table by her bed and released the breath she had been holding. She'd been able to lie convincingly to Rigsby; the more she kept it up the better.
So far so good.
Jane was sipping a cup of tea when Rigsby walked into the bullpen, a half an hour later than usual. Cho looked up from his desk work when he saw him. "Where've you been?" he asked without any heat.
"Hospital," Rigsby said, "I was giving Lisbon some of Mrs. Cassini's brownies."
"Did you manage to save some for her?" Jane asked.
Rigsby gave him a half-hearted grin. "Yeah. I hope they cheer her up."
It was a nice thought that chocolate and sugar could work as a balm for the damage done, but Jane knew it was just a dream. Not even Mrs. Cassini's beloved brownies had such healing power.
"How's she doing?" Grace asked.
Rigsby shrugged a little. "Okay, I guess. She still doesn't like to be touched."
Jane frowned a little. "Really?" At Rigsby's nod, he looked back at his teacup. He had wondered if she was recovering from her haphebobia or if she had been to distressed to be affected by his touch, now he was having to consider a different theory. Could it be that she didn't mind it if he touched her? It was something to think about.
There wasn't time to give it much thought because 'Dictator' Bertram walked in with Brenda Shettrick at his side, a notebook in hand. Nope, this wasn't good.
"Sir," Cho said, "What can we do for you?"
"The CBI wants to release a report to the press," Bertram explained, "We were hoping each of you would provide a brief statement about the case."
Jane felt his pulse quickening and he set his cup and saucer on the ground. Outwardly, he forced himself to look calm but inside he was seething. Bertram just wanted to put a band-aid over the whole thing, cover it up so it looked nice and whole again. Never mind the that wound would only fester with his approach until it could reach an incurable level. As long as the CBI, and, by extension, himself looked all right who cared about the individual.
Cho glanced around at the group and shook his head. "Sir, we're still working on this case. We can't comment on it."
"We're not asking you to divulge any details in the investigation, just your thoughts on the case and Agent Lisbon's recovery."
"We'll write something up and give it to you later," Cho said, his peace offering in this unsavory subject.
"Oh, but this won't take long, right Brenda?"
Brenda shook her head. "You don't have to say much, just whatever you're comfortable with."
Jane was sorely tempted to borrow one of Lisbon's favorite expressions and use 'bite me' as his statement. It was short and got the message across, but that wasn't the best way to deal with Bertram.
He stood up from his couch. "Do you want us to catch this man?"
Bertram frowned at him in astonishment. "Of course. What kind of question is that?"
"Then why are you getting in our way?" Jane asked, "If you wanted us to find him then you wouldn't be asking poor Brenda here for our statements. You would let us work in peace."
Now the director's look turned into one of bitter outrage. "I am trying to uphold the integrity of the CBI," he said, "This is a PR nightmare."
Jane nodded. "This is a living nightmare for Lisbon. Sorry, but my sympathies lie with her."
"Agent Lisbon cares about the Bureau, she would not want what happened to her to negatively affect the CBI."
Jane gave him a cold smile. "Yes, it's obvious where your loyalties lie."
"Mr. Jane, you would benefit with more cooperation."
"From you, absolutely," Jane agreed.
This was doomed to be yet another verbal sparring match between them, but Brenda wisely stepped in. "I think Cho's idea is best. They can give me a few written lines at their earliest convenience."
"We will," Cho promised.
Bertram never left Jane's gaze, but he nodded in appeasement. "Okay. I expect them by the end of the day."
If that was an order for Jane to comply then Bertram might as well glue some wings to pigs. He was not going to play those PR games. He didn't care about the image of the CBI. He only wanted justice for Lisbon.
"We can go over our next release in my office," Brenda said and took a step towards the exit. Bertram nodded and turned with her.
"Keep me informed on Agent Lisbon's condition," he called over his shoulder.
It was the first mention of any concern towards his wounded agent. Actions spoke volumes of a man and Bertram's was a library of selfishness and greed. It didn't matter. Lisbon didn't need the comfort of such a man. She had enough friends for that.
Tommy was dozing off in the chair beside Lisbon's bed, snoring very softly. She smiled a little, genuinely touched that her younger brother was so concerned for her, even if she did still wish he had stayed away. She loved her brother but it was hard for her to have to keep up the appearance that she was fine and she knew that he hated seeing her like this.
Lisbon flipped through the channels on the small television set; the volume was low so that Tommy wouldn't wake up too soon. Not that it mattered, the only thing on was day time talk shows and really bad soap operas, none of which held her interest for any length of time. She sighed and continued to search the channels, trying to fight the heavy grip fatigue had over her. She was still sticking to her plan of no sleep; she did not want to wake up screaming all over again.
Lisbon finally settled on a daytime talk show, maybe watching couples screaming over paternity test results would keep her awake. When the sixth different nurse came in to take away her uneaten lunch, Lisbon was reminded of her previous hunch that something was going on with the nursing staff in the hospital. The way the younger woman had eyed her when she had walked in, the small nervous laughter, it all reminded her of a fangirl meeting her crush or an excited groupie. But that didn't make much sense in this kind of setting.
As soon as the nurse left the room, Lisbon slowly eased out of her bed. Unfortunately she woke up Tommy in the process. "Wh—what are you doing?" he asked rubbing his eyes and blinking a couple of times.
"Shhhh," she told him strictly and crept over to her door.
"Get back in bed, Reese."
"Go back to sleep," she told him.
He stood up and walked over to her, "What are you doing?"
She glared at him but her angry scowl wasn't as effective now that he topped her by a good six inches and was no longer ten years old. "Something is up with these nurses."
"Oh for God's sake, Reese," Tommy groaned.
"Shhhh!"
"They are simply doing their job and you are paranoid," Tommy whispered harshly.
Lisbon ignored his words and opened the door just a crack so she could peek out of it. Three nurses were milling at the nearby station, cups of coffee in their hands. She turned her ear to the crack so she could listen in on them.
"…unbelievable, really. You hear about this on the news and on those crime shows, but you never think it will happen in person."
"Amy was on call when they brought her in."
"Lucky bitch, why did I have to have that night off?"
"I know. Amy said that she was completely out of it when she first came in here, just rambling on about how she needed to go home."
Lisbon felt her stomach tighten into a painful knot. Tommy was no longer arguing with her, in fact he was trying to quiet his breathing so it would be easier to hear.
"It's just so exciting! Something like this is happening here! Now! And I got to bring in her lunch tray!"
"A guy raped and beat the crap out of her."
"I know, but still, usually we just get the normal kids breaking their arms or appendectomies, nothing like this. I know it's sad and all…but it's kind of cool."
Tommy stepped around her and closed the door completely. "That's enough," his voice was wooden and stern, "why don't you try reading one of the books I brought you."
Lisbon didn't say anything, she didn't move from her spot. "It's like I'm their own personal circus act."
"They are just busybodies who don't know any better."
"I'm that thing they call home about, the little story they tell their friends when they get home from work." Lisbon continued. "Guess what happened today, honey? A rape victim was brought in!" She mocked their high-pitched voice. "She's supposed to be a cop but from the way she looks, it doesn't look like she is."
"Hey!" Tommy said sharply, "That isn't true."
She shook her head. "But it's just so exciting, Tommy! A real live rape victim in their hospital."
"Just sit down." He led her over to her bed but was very careful not to touch her. She was fuming anyways that it probably would have ended badly if he had tried. Once she was reclining on her bed again he resumed his seat. "Here," he grabbed one of the books he had brought from her apartment. "Why don't you read this?"
She accepted the book but didn't open it. Instead she stared at the closed doorway for a moment. "You think they are selling tickets too?"
"Reese!"
She leaned back against the pillows and silently pouted. She honestly didn't know if she was angry or sad. Or who she was angry with. The nurses were insensitive gossips that had no business discussing her like last night's TV. But she was the cop that had managed to be raped and beaten without identifying her attacker, all the while she was only a few yards away from help but she hadn't even been able to scream.
Who was she kidding? She really was a freak.
Jane rapped lightly on Lisbon's hospital door before he poked his head inside. Lisbon was scowling at the TV while Tommy grimaced at his plate of mealy turkey and dry mashed potatoes. Lisbon's tray was untouched on the table. "Everyone decent?" he said with a smile.
Lisbon locked eyes with him immediately and never broke contact. Tommy just glanced up and let out a "Hey."
Jane could see the shame in her eyes and he knew she was recalling their last encounter. Not only did she clearly regret her graphic reiteration of her assault, but she was embarrassed by her sobbing afterwards. He had continued to hold her until a nurse had come to change her bandages, then he had discreetly slipped out the room.
He hadn't wanted to push her after she had broken down which is why he had left when he did. But Rigsby's mention of her flinching at his touch had convinced Jane that he had to see her again. He needed to know if last night had been a fluke brought on by her pain or if she was making a break through.
Jane put on a smile and walked over to her bedside. He fingered at her cold lunch. "Not hungry, I see," he mused and shook his head at it, "Not that I can blame you. It looks terrible."
"It is," Tommy said.
Lisbon finally tore her eyes away from Jane to look over at her brother. "Why don't you go get lunch somewhere else, Tommy? Seriously, I'll be fine."
Tommy glanced at Jane and then back at her, the message was clear to him too. "All right, I am jonesing for a hamburger." He picked up his jacket from the chair and waved at her. "I'll be back soon."
She gave him a shaky grin and waved back, but settled back into her bed once the door was closed. The moment she met his eyes again he knew she had something she wanted to say.
"Jane," she said his name softly, "About yesterday, I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have—."
"Don't apologize," he said with a shake of his head, "Not for what you said nor for your tears. You have nothing to be sorry for, I know you don't believe me yet but you will."
She only gave him a tiny nod, still uncertain over her shame. Jane gave her a long cursory look, noting her tense muscles and the way she had her blankets clenched in her fists. He would have thought she was nervous, but she kept looking at the door and not at him. "What's bothering you?"
"Nothing."
"No sense in lying, Pinocchio."
Her green eyes flashed at him in irritation and he grinned. Good, she still had that Lisbon fire in her. "It's the nurses."
"What about them?"
"Didn't you hear? I'm the hospital's greatest attraction right now."
"Oh," Jane said, his jaw clenching in disgust and anger. He knew he couldn't control the actions of others, but he still could fume over the distaste of those with weak minds. There was precious little he could do besides complain to the head nurse, but he knew that wouldn't help Lisbon's self esteem. Better to just do nothing. Judging by the decrease in the swelling on her face, the hospital would release her soon.
"No sense in letting it bother you," he told her, "You'll be discharged soon, I'm sure."
"I'm ready to go now."
"I'm sure you are," Jane said, "but let's wait for the doctors to agree."
Lisbon let out an aggravated sound and shook her head. "I can't stand this, Jane. I know they're talking about me, wondering how this could have happened to a cop. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of feeling like a freak show."
"Trust me, you're not a freak show," Jane said, hoping the teasing way he spoke would cheer her up, "I've seen plenty of those in the carnival."
She met his eyes with that 'you're not helping' look and his smile fell. On instinct, he covered her hand with his own. "It won't be long," he promised her.
Lisbon dropped her gaze to his hand. He waited to see if she would pull away as the memory of that man's touch invaded her mind. She didn't. She kept staring at their combined hands with a puzzled look.
"Rigsby mentioned that he came by earlier," Jane said, gently pulling his hand away so she would meet his eyes again, "He said he brought you brownies."
Lisbon nodded her head towards the Tupperware on the nightstand. "Help yourself."
Jane shook his head. "No thank you." His eyes wandered back to her hand, the one he'd just touched and she hadn't flinched. "He mentioned that you still didn't like to be touched by him."
She nodded a little.
"But not me."
"I noticed it too," Lisbon said.
"What do you see when Rigsby or anyone else touches you?"
"I don't really see anything, I just…feel him. I feel like it's him. I know it's not, but I just…"
"I understand," Jane said and then reached down to put his hand on her shoulder, "And when I touch you?"
Lisbon shook her head. "I don't feel that way."
"Hm," Jane said, "That's interesting."
He removed the hand from her shoulder and took up Tommy's empty chair. Lisbon continued to look at him. He could see the confusion in her eyes. "I don't get it," she said, "Why can you touch me and no one else?"
"I don't know," he said. She sagged back into her pillows and looked away. She so desperately needed answers, but right now he had little to offer. "Maybe because I found you you're associating me with safety," Jane said.
She nodded. "Yeah, that makes sense I guess."
No, she didn't believe it either, but it was the safest explanation. He leaned forward and patted her hand. "Don't think about it too much," he said, "This is a good thing, nothing you have to concern yourself with."
"Depends on your definition of good," she said, "If I'm only letting you touch me, that clearly means I've lost my mind."
The hint of smile curving her lips told him that she was just teasing. He smiled back and leaned back into his chair. "That or you have excellent taste."
Lisbon shook her head. "Nope, you're not that good of a catch."
He chuckled as he grabbed the Tupperware of brownies. He took one for himself and then held it out for her. She stared at them and then met his eyes again. He could see she wanted to turn them down, but he refused to drop his gaze. Finally she accepted one and took a bite. Chocolate couldn't cure everything, but this was a start. This was hope.
The team was becoming aware that the case to find their boss's attacker was hitting a brick wall but they were determined to continue to pound on it until something shook loose. Their list of suspects might be empty at the moment, but there were still some things they could do. Such as finding out how the security detail let a woman be beaten and raped and no one saw anything.
Officer Ryckart obviously did not want to answer any more questions about the night of the fundraiser but he was smart enough to obey the will of the superior agents. It didn't stop him from wearing a scowl when he walked into the bullpen.
"Thanks for coming in," Rigsby said when the cop took a seat by Cho's desk.
"You were in charge of security the night of the fundraiser," Cho began, diving into the questioning immediately.
"Yes I was," Ryckart explained, "and like I said to everyone else that night, neither me nor my men saw anything suspicious."
"An agent was beaten and raped in the alley outside of the event you were tasked to protect and no one saw anything?"
"Hey," Ryckart said, his voice sharp and angry. "We followed the procedure that was approved by your boss."
"But you still didn't see anything."
"The focus was on the entrance and inside of the ballroom, men weren't stationed on the side exits because they were locked from the inside. People couldn't get in from there and no one was supposed to use them. It isn't my fault that Agent Lisbon left the safety of the ballroom."
"And nobody heard anything?" Rigsby asked, still finding it hard to believe that security hadn't been remiss in someway.
"What can I say? Maybe she should have screamed."
Both men tensed immediately at Ryckart's statement, their annoyance at the man was quickly turning to rage. Rigsby didn't bother to hide his disdain but Cho was much better at keeping his emotions to himself. It didn't stop the malice in his voice when he spoke. "You seem to have a pretty strong opinion about what happened."
"I don't like it when me or my men are being blamed for someone else's mistake."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Rigsby asked though he had a pretty good idea as to the answer.
Ryckart leveled his gaze with the man. "If I were you, I'd ask Agent Lisbon what she was doing out there alone."
Rigsby glared at him. "You're putting this on her?"
He leaned back in his chair and shrugged. "She goes outside, alone, dressed like that. She's asking for trouble."
"So you're saying she deserved this."
"No," Ryckart clarified but his voice was ice cold. "But with the way she treats people…I'm honestly surprised something like this didn't happen sooner."
Rigsby stood up from his seat, ready to punch the man in the face. "You want say that again?"
Ryckart rose to his feet, looking ready to fight himself but Cho got up too. "Walk away," he told the officer harshly. "Walk away now."
For a moment Rigsby and Ryckart had their eyes locked on one another but Rigsby was clearly the bigger man here. Ryckart finally nodded his head and slowly quit the room. Rigsby watched him leave, considering following the man to make him think twice about talking about Lisbon like that again. "That jackass comes around here again, I'll pound him into the ground," Rigsby declared.
"I'll help," Cho replied and from the tone of his voice, he definitely meant it.
Grace walked in with a cup of coffee in one hand and noted their still tense body language and barely controlled anger. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," Rigsby said, sitting down at his desk still rigid but a bit calmer.
She didn't press the issue, but took up her place at her desk. On it was a copy of the guest list. Grace picked it up and scanned the names, noting many she knew. In fact, most of the list contained colleagues or acquaintances she knew in the field. And Jane said one of these men was likely the rapist. It made her stomach roll.
"Do you really think it's someone we know?"
Rigsby and Cho both looked up. They noticed the paper in her hands and followed her train of thought. "Jane could be wrong," Rigsby said.
"There's a first for everything," Cho replied. His words weren't hopeful, just a reminder that Jane was rarely ever wrong about these sorts of things.
"Well what if he is?" Grace asked, "I mean, Jane's not perfect."
"Can't argue with that."
Jane was standing at the entrance of the bullpen. He gave them a small, teasing grin. "Do you always talk about me when I'm away?"
"No, it's not what you think," Van Pelt said, "We were just talking about your theory."
"Ah," he said as he made his way to his couch and sat down. "It's all right to be cautious about it. No one likes to think a friend or colleague could do something like this."
"You really think it has to be someone in our line of work?" she asked.
"It's the only thing that fits."
"What if it is someone from the outside?"
Jane shook his head. "I told you, a passerby wouldn't have known she was a cop."
"What if they did?"
Rigsby frowned at her. "You think someone waited around outside for Lisbon to come out so they could attack her?"
She shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe they didn't plan it exactly, but they saw her come out and they saw it as an opportunity."
"Who would do that?" Cho asked.
Grace looked across the room to meet Jane's blue-green eyes. "What if it was Red John?"
Jane didn't freeze up at the mention of the name nor snap into attention. Instead he surprised them by shaking his head. "No, it's not him."
"How can you be sure?" she asked.
"Because Red John doesn't care about Lisbon."
"But you do," Grace said. Jane's golden brows rose in interest at her comment, words that could contain many different meanings. "I don't mean in that way," she said, a bit flustered now, "I mean, that's your own business. I'm just saying that Lisbon does mean a lot to you. Maybe this is Red John trying to hurt you again."
Jane smiled a little. "I applaud your innovative thinking, Grace, but you're wrong. If Red John wanted to use Lisbon to hurt me then he would have killed her, carved her open and painted his symbol on the wall with her blood. Lisbon's attack was far too brutal and he left too much physical evidence, two things Red John would never do. And if it was Red John trying to hurt me, he would have made sure I knew it was him."
She looked down and gave him a slight nod. "You're right…but Jane, how can it be one of us? Why would another cop want to hurt Lisbon?"
"I can't be sure of his motives," Jane said, "Nor am I certain it is a cop."
The three of them frowned at him. "But you said so yesterday," Rigsby said.
"I said it could be a cop or someone associated with law enforcement," Jane explained, "Whoever attacked Lisbon knew she had training, but that doesn't mean that they are a cop. Whoever did this knows hand-to-hand combat or some form of self defense training and they knew she would fight back. It could have easily been a donor or someone who works closely with your field."
"But why?" she asked, "Why would anyone do this to her?"
"We figure that out then we find our rapist," Jane said. He stood up from his couch and walked over so he was standing between Rigsby and Van Pelt's desks. "The exact motive isn't necessary at the moment, what we can focus on is his rage. He didn't just look across the room and decided to attack her, this was something he has been fantasizing about."
"For how long?" Cho asked.
Jane shrugged. "It could be only a few days or it could even be months. The point is that the person we are looking for has been angry for a while. I doubt all of it stems from Lisbon, perhaps she is merely the object of his rage. It's likely he's a narcissus whose fallen into a bad spot in life. He can't be angry at himself, so Lisbon became the unfortunate fixation of his wrath."
"So he did plan this," Cho said.
Jane shook his head again. "No, not exactly. He didn't go to the fundraiser with the intention of raping her. Likely, he saw her, maybe even interacted with her in some way and he lost control. When he saw her leave the room he seized his chance and got what he thought was his revenge. That's why he took her necklace. It's a trophy of his triumph."
Rigsby nodded. The look in all of their eyes said that they believed him. This was the right path. "Okay," Rigsby said, "So how do we find him?"
Jane flashed him a bitter smile. "That's the tricky part. He left his DNA behind because he knows he's not in the system. Lisbon can't identify him. Right now, he feels like he's won."
"Do you think he'll pay attention to the case in the media?" Grace asked.
"Undoubtedly. Part of what gives him release is knowing that Lisbon is suffering and that we are unaware of who he is."
"Do you have any idea on who he is?" Cho asked.
Jane's face went grave and he looked down at the floor. "No," he said solemnly, "But at least we have a start."
It was a small start, but it was all they had. They had a list of over two hundred suspects with no way to narrow them down yet. It was a grim prospect, but they wouldn't give up. Lisbon wouldn't so neither would they.
It had been Rigsby's idea to call the guests at the fundraiser one by one under the pretext of reaffirming their testimony, but really to see if they had a history with Lisbon. Jane was letting them working while just sitting on his couch going over the list himself. No one expected him to pick up a phone and help with the calls. Jane had his own method of working.
"Sir," Grace said into her phone, "You're certain you've never met Agent Lisbon before?"
"No, I'd never even heard of her until I read about her in the paper. Why are you still harassing me? I told you people before that I didn't hear or see anything."
"Sorry, Mr. Paletti, just following up," Grace said.
She sighed and put her phone back in its cradle. So far everyone she talked to was hostile and knew little or nothing about Lisbon. At this rate they were running into another brick wall.
Her coffee cup was empty and cold, time for a refill. Maybe the caffeine would perk her up.
She picked up her mug and carried it with her to the break room. Unfortunately, both coffee pots stood there completely empty. "Damn," she muttered to herself.
Grace set her cup aside and removed one of the pots so she could run it underneath the faucet. Since coffee was liquid gold around the CBI, she filled it to the brim.
"Needed a change of scenery?"
Grace turned around with the coffee pot in her hand and saw that Jane had just entered the room. She smiled and held up the pot full of water. "I needed a pick-me-up."
He nodded and walked to the kettle on the stove. "We had the same idea."
While she poured the water into the coffee maker and added in the grounds, Jane filled up his kettle with water and put it on the stove. He removed his blue teacup from the cabinet and set it on the table with a teabag.
"I haven't found anything useful yet," Grace said once her only job now was to wait for the coffee to brew. "How about you?"
"Not sure," he said, "Still looking."
She nodded a little. It seemed that was all they were doing, looking. When would they actually catch a real lead? For Lisbon's sake, she wanted this whole thing to be over.
"Did you see Lisbon today?" she asked.
Jane nodded and let out an affirmative sound.
"How's she doing? Any better?"
"I hope so," he said.
"You could go see her again," she said, "I mean, I hate the idea of her being there alone."
"She's not, her brother is with her."
"Oh yeah, that's right," Grace said, drumming her fingers on her arms.
"Besides, I know she would hate the idea of all us standing in a vigil by her bedside."
"You're probably right," she said while ducking her head down. She didn't like the way Jane was probing at her with his gaze. Thankfully, the coffee pot gurgled to signal that it was finished. She turned around and removed it so she could fill up her cup.
"Why haven't you gone to see Lisbon?"
The coffee sloshed out the pot so fast that it spilled outside the cup, pooling on the counter. She let out a murmured curse and grabbed a wad of paper towels to clean up the mess. "I'm just busy," she said.
"Mm," Jane let out his sound of disapproval, "You're normally a much better liar, Grace."
There was no use in pretending with Jane. He knew your secrets just by looking at you. She sighed and poured the excess coffee from her cup into the sink. "I don't like seeing her like this."
"None of us do," Jane said, "But that's not the full reason, is it?"
There was no escaping this. She sat down at the table with her cup and removed a packet of sweetener. She ripped it open and dumped it into her coffee along with some cream.
"Come on, Grace, you can tell me."
She threw down the empty paper and met his eye. "I don't want to see her."
Jane gave her a patient nod. "It isn't easy to look at her like that, but this isn't just about her injuries."
She stared into her now unappealing cup of coffee and then slowly shook her head. Jane's kettle let out a whistle. "That's what I thought," he said and left the table to get the kettle and pour the steaming water into his cup.
He resumed his seat and stirred at his tea with his teabag while looking across the table at Grace. "You should let it out, Grace, or else it will eat you alive."
She took a small sip of coffee and then set her cup back down. She traced the curve of the cup's handle with her finger. "When I saw Lisbon at the hospital…I didn't know what had happened. I just thought some lunatic had beaten her up. But you knew, didn't you?"
Jane nodded again. "The moment I saw her."
Grace swallowed hard and looked back down at her cup. "Rigsby told me when they got back here. I felt angry and disgusted with what had happened, I really did…but I also felt…relieved." She snuck a peek at Jane. "That it wasn't me."
Jane didn't give her an accusatory glare or anything. He simply nodded again, as if urging her to continue.
She toyed with a strand of her titian hair as she said, "When I was in college I carried around pepper spray, I always went out with a close friend and I never accepted drinks from strangers. I did all of that because that is where you hear stuff like this happening. That is when girls like me and Lisbon are in danger of being raped."
Grace shook her head a little. "Not now, not after all of this time. It's not supposed to happen once you're past that stage. This is when you're supposed to be safe. It's not supposed to happen now, not to you or to anyone you know."
"And that's the frightening part," Jane said, "Now you realize it can happen to anyone at anytime."
She nodded a little as a tear snaked out of the corner of her eye. She brushed it away with her hand. "It's just…Lisbon is going through the worst thing I can ever imagine and my first thought was I'm glad it wasn't me. How could I think that? That makes me a terrible person."
"No it doesn't," Jane said with a shake of his head, "It's a normal reaction to feel relieved when you hear of a great tragedy, even when it happens to someone you care about. The fact that your feel guilty now makes you a very good person."
"Gee thanks," she said in a glum voice. She picked up her cup and started to walk back to the bullpen.
"Grace," Jane called after her, forcing her to stop, "You should go see her. It'll help you, and Lisbon should know that you are still behind her."
She looked down at her cooling coffee. She knew Jane had a point, but she couldn't see how going to that hospital would do any good for Lisbon. Better to prove herself by working to catch the rapist. It would show Lisbon of her support and sponge away her guilt."
Grace looked back at him and shook her head. "I can't…not yet."
"Okay," he said with a slight nod, "wait until you're comfortable then."
She nodded back and then walked towards the bullpen again. Work was the best way help Lisbon and herself. Her guilt would continue to eat at her, but at least she would feel like she was accomplishing something.
Lisbon woke up from a light doze, turning over in her bed to face the chair where Tommy had become a permanent fixture. Except the chair was empty. "Tommy?" she asked sitting up, expecting him to answer from the closed bathroom door or pop his head out from the doorway. But he didn't. No one answered.
She stood up, for once not feeling any pain from her injuries; in fact her cast was gone. When had that happened? Lisbon peeked out from the doorway. "Tommy?" she called out again.
The hallway was empty; that was different. Where were all of the nurses, interns, surgeons and orderlies? Usually the place was abuzz with activity. Lisbon took a cautious step out of her room, looking up and down the empty hall.
She began to walk down towards the nurse's station, finding it completely void of life as well. Where the hell was everyone?
That was when she heard it. The laugh.
His laugh.
Suddenly she saw the dark figure down the hall, staring straight at her. He just kept on laughing.
Lisbon opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out. Not even when he slowly started to walk towards her.
But this time she ran.
She ran down the now dark hallway towards the only haven she knew. Her room. The lights were off so it was completely black but it was where she knew she could escape him. Lisbon shut the door, locking it tight. She leaned against the frame whimpering just a little and trying to control her trembling.
Then she felt his hot breath on the back of her neck.
Before she could scream he reached around to clamp one hand over mouth, with the other he dragged her backwards.
Now she was on her bed, her wrists in restraints at the metal arm rests. He was on top of her.
She still couldn't see his face but she could smell his breath and hear his horrible laugh. She couldn't scream, one hand was still over her mouth. She still tried to scream, tried to tear herself away from his grip but his hand remained firm. She tasted blood. She'd bitten her tongue.
He laughed, more like a low breathy giggle. His free hand traced the contours of her neck, investigating the hollows of her throat. He found the knot that tied up her gown and pulled at the ends. She bucked and reared at him, but that did nothing to end the torture. She felt the cool air on her bare chest. He fondled her breasts and then went to her thighs, slowly making his way up to his goal. Apparently one breach wasn't enough.
She whimpered, tugging at her restraints as his hand snuck its way under her gown. Her screams were muffled by his hand. He laughed again, then she felt his tongue lave against her cheek down to her neck.
She twisted, trying to stop him from touching her but he just continued to laugh. She twisted again and again but there was no escaping him…
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Hitting the hard tile of the hospital floor jarred Lisbon awake, it also was a very painful reminder that she was still badly bruised from her injuries. She blinked and saw that she was still in her room, but the lights were on now.
Tommy had left to go check on her apartment and bring her a few things. She must have fallen asleep and now she was on the floor after falling out of bed.
He had been in the hospital, forcing her onto the bed and running his hands up and down her skin.
Lisbon stood up as quickly as she could and rushed over to the private bathroom, locking the door behind her. Oh God that was horrible. His hands over her skin, over her mouth. Her tongue was sore and she still tasted blood. That part must have been real.
She saw a paper towel dispenser and immediately began yanking out the brown pieces of paper. There was a small soap dispenser by the sink and Lisbon slathered that on the towels, soaking them liberally with water. Then she began to scrub and scrub at her skin. Her arms, her chest, her neck. She even pulled up the hospital gown so she could wash the rest of her.
She needed to get him off of her; she needed to forget his malevolent touch.
Lisbon looked up from her furious attempt to get herself clean only to see her reflection in the mirror over the sink.
Oh dear God was that really her?
Her face was a swollen mess of black, purple and green skin. Her eye was still puffy and hard to see through. Her hair was a thatch of tangles. There was a small line of stitches at her right temple.
She hadn't seen herself since the attack. Oh God she looked like a monster!
Lisbon threw the large wad of paper towels at the mirror, the water obscuring the horrible image and some of the paper stuck to the glass. She threw open the bathroom door ready to turn away from that ugly sight forever.
But her gaze fell onto her bed.
Just a few minutes ago she was being raped in that bed.
She began to shake violently and felt her stomach twist painfully into a knot. She swallowed heavily and fled back into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. Then she sank down onto the floor and sobbed.
There was no place where she could be safe.
Jane wasn't surprised when Director Bertram barged into the bullpen looking as angry as a hornet. It was expected since undoubtedly the calls the team were making in the name of Lisbon's case was stirring up the fundraiser's wealthy patrons. Such ruckus was the exact sort of thing Bertram detested.
"I've just received six different phone calls complaining about this department," Bertram announced when he stepped into the room, "Is it true that you are calling all of the guests from the fundraiser and asking them more questions?"
"Since it's unlikely that six people are all lying, then that's a rather useless question," Jane said from his couch.
He took a bit of amusement at Bertram's disgruntled look, but the director ignored him and focused his attention on Cho.
"Sir, we're just following up on Lisbon's case," Cho explained.
"By investigating the guests of the event?"
"That's correct. We have concluded that the rapist was someone at the fundraiser."
Bertram shook his bald head. "Did you consider any other possibilities besides Jane's hunch?"
"Name a time when my hunch was wrong," Jane challenged him. He didn't like to be ignored, but Bertram had obviously chosen that to be the best course of action with Jane since he couldn't reason with him.
"We did consider other options," Cho said without any hesitation, "but the method of attack and brutality suggest a personal connection from someone who knew Lisbon and had training."
Bertram nodded. "I'm not telling you how to do your job, Agent Cho."
"Really?" Jane asked, "because it sounds like you are."
"That's enough, Jane."
Finally, he'd struck a nerve. Now the man had lost his patience. Excellent.
Bertram stopped glaring at Jane and turned back to Cho and the rest of the team. "But this has to stop. The CBI is hanging on by a thread and your phone calls are making our donors unhappy."
Rigsby stood up from his chair. "Director, our boss was raped while we were inside having a party. We are going to do whatever it takes to find this guy."
"That's very noble of you, Agent Rigsby," Bertram said, "but I ask that you treat the guests with more tact."
Cho crossed his arms across his chest. "We can't promise that. Everyone on the guest list is considered a suspect and they will be treated as such until they are eliminated."
Jane grinned with pride at his friends and enjoyed watching those words of defiance tense up the muscles in Bertram's neck. He had come in here expecting them all to fold, maybe to even apologize for their actions and continue the investigation in a more discreet manner. But they wouldn't. They weren't loyal to Bertram. Their loyalty belonged to Lisbon, their leader and friend.
Bertram cleared his throat, his method of regaining his composure. "This is the Serious Crimes Unit, meaning you solve homicides. It is only a professional courtesy that I gave you Agent Lisbon's case since it rightfully belongs to the Sexual Crimes Unit."
His words had all of them tense up, but it was Risgby who spoke. "Are you taking the case away from us?"
"No!" Grace said in protest.
"Not at all," Bertram assured them, "but crime hasn't stopped just because Agent Lisbon was attacked. I've been redirecting cases to other units and to the FBI, but this can't go on forever. On Monday this stops. Your unit will be given other cases and I expect you all to give them your undivided attention. Agent Lisbon's case can be revisited when you have the time."
"Two days," Rigsby said, "You're giving us two days."
"You've had three already," Bertram reminded him, "It is not my responsibility to wrap this up, that's your job. My responsibility is to the Bureau and the citizens of California."
Jane gave him a bitter smile and shook his head. "Lovely speech there, director. Why don't you just tell them the truth though. You don't want us to solve this case."
Bertram gave him a wide-eyed look of disbelief. "That's a lie!"
"You don't want us to solve this case because you know we're right, it was someone at the fundraiser who attacked Lisbon. The CBI is in hot water right now and if it comes out that it was a colleague or associate with the Bureau that did this then it will affect the Bureau's credibility."
Bertram shook his head slowly. "That's not true."
"You'd rather this whole thing fade away," Jane said, "You want the media to forget about this, that's why you're forcing us to put aside this case."
One corner of Bertram's mouth lifted. "You're upset, Patrick. I know how close you are to Agent Lisbon, which is why I'm going to let this slide. But my orders stand. Come Monday, you will receive a new case."
Jane forced himself to keep his blood pressure down as he watched Bertram walk away. At that moment he hated that man, despised him to a whole new level of emotion. But he was a politician, it was expected for him to be a slimy, disgusting worm of greed and conceit.
"It doesn't matter," Cho said suddenly, "We don't stop looking, no matter what."
"Right," Rigsby said
Grace gave them a solemn nod and then stared at the paperwork on her desk. They all resumed their seats, but the vigor in their movements was gone. Bertram's ultimatum had left them bereft of much hope. He might as well have just ordered them to throw Lisbon's case file in the shredder. It would be a long time before they found this man. Two days of freedom to work was certainly not enough.
Jane left the bullpen to retreat to his attic hideaway, or his Fortress of Solitude as Lisbon had called it once. He lay down on the rough cot he had constructed and stared at the dusty rafters. He had failed for the past eight years to find Red John, now he was failing to find Lisbon's rapist. It didn't seem fair that he could solve the cases that didn't matter with ease, but the ones that hurt the people he cared about were left a mystery.
But Cho was still right. He would never stop looking.
Lisbon didn't return to her bed until Tommy came back. She didn't let on that she had locked herself in the bathroom for about an hour; it was still difficult to get back into the bed without feeling the wave of revulsion over her nightmare. She wanted to leave, she needed go somewhere she would be safe. She just had no idea where that might be.
That afternoon she was surprised by another visitor, but it wasn't the quietly over protective Jane this time. If Cho was uncomfortable at all at seeing his boss beaten and bruised, like everything, he didn't show it. But Lisbon felt immediate fear as soon as she saw him. She knew that Cho would only have come here now if he had something to tell her; she knew that it was going to be bad.
She smiled at Tommy. "Would you get me some coffee, black. And not that crap from the cafeteria?"
Tommy understood that it was important for her to talk to her team alone. He didn't question her request, but nodded his head and quietly left her and Cho alone. For a moment all they did was look at each other, Cho's face was completely impassive but there were a few tells. Like Rigsby he was having a hard time meeting her eyes. If they were finally going to have this conversation then she would have to get the ball rolling.
"I hate to tell you this but Rigsby is winning this round," she told him with a small grin, "He brought me brownies."
"I didn't realize this was a competition."
"I thought everything between you two was," Lisbon said teasingly. She leaned back in her pillows and maintained eye contact with him. "Why are you here, Cho?"
"I like to follow up on witnesses myself," he replied. His voice was firm but there was a hint of emotion there. So he had been worried about her and wanted to check up on her himself. That was sweet.
"Does that mean you're here to question me about the case?"
Cho took a seat by her bed but maintained a safe distance from her so she would stay comfortable with him. "No one has told you anything have they?"
She shook her head. "Jane has been evasive and Rigsby only mentioned that you eliminated the staff."
He was quiet again for a short while. She waited for him to decide whether or not to tell her the truth, but Cho had always been the truthful one. "Jane believes that it was someone at the fundraiser."
She nodded. "His clothing would suggest that."
"He thinks it is someone you know, someone that is angry with you." Now he hesitated again before admitting. "Someone we work with, either at the CBI or someone who works closely with cops."
Lisbon was stunned. She shouldn't have been surprised by this but she was. The man who raped her was faceless and nameless and a part of her had wanted it to stay that unfamiliar visage. It was frightening to think that someone she knew had done this. Someone she might have to see again without even realizing it. It was terrifying.
"I made him angry," Lisbon repeated what Cho had previously told her. The truth hitting her again, making her chest hurt with shame. "So it was my fault."
"No," Cho cut in quickly, "it wasn't." He could elaborate on the reasons why, but that wasn't Cho's style. He simply told the truth as he saw it, no need to explain any more.
She smiled softly at him, she didn't believe him but there was no point in letting him know that. "Is that the only reason you came?"
He shook his head. "We know that he was at the fundraiser but that leaves us a long list of suspects and right now…not a lot to narrow it down. Bertram told us that we have until Monday before we get assigned a new case."
This time Lisbon's smile was bitter. "No way you'll make that deadline." She saw the flash of guilt in Cho's eyes; she knew that he would take responsibility for not being able to catch her rapist. He was the one in charge right now, this fell on him.
But that wasn't true.
"Kimball," she began earnestly. "I didn't expect you to find him tomorrow…or next week…or next month. I've been a cop for a long time, I know how it works. How sometimes…they slip away." She looked away from him now. "And I didn't give you much to work with so…"
"You gave us enough."
That wasn't true. Lisbon had given them everything she had, but that didn't include much that was useful. She didn't have any idea to his features; she would never be able to pick him out in a lineup. She'd had a lot of time to think about that night and what the future might hold for her. A sobering reality had taken hold, they might never find who did this.
That thought terrified her but she couldn't let Cho see that. She couldn't let him know that she wasn't entirely sure if she could live with that reality.
Instead Lisbon smiled again. "I'm going to be out of commission for a while, even if they let me out of this damn hospital, I'll have to wait until my arm recovers before going back to work." Her voice was light but she was blinking back tears. "So you'll be in charge while I'm gone. If uh something comes up on an old case, something that needs my attention, don't be afraid to contact me."
Cho nodded, taking her orders like normal. "Okay."
"Keep Wainwright apprised of all new cases but you don't have to tell him every step you take, a phone call to update him every now and then is more than enough to keep him happy," she explained.
"And keep an eye on Jane," Lisbon told him. Now her voice began to crack and the tears slipped down her cheeks no matter how hard she tried to deny them. "You know the trouble he can get in to so you'll have to watch him carefully. Keep a leash on him but not too much, you have to give him some freedom to work, but don't let him walk all over you either. And if you…" she suddenly lost her voice. She felt like she was losing everything now, including the small bit of control she'd managed to hold on to.
"I know," Cho said simply. But she saw the look in his eyes, the sadness and pain. Cho was more than ready for the responsibility that she was giving him right now…but he never wanted it this way.
Lisbon took a deep breath that helped to steady her already frazzled emotions and brushed away the tears on her cheeks. "You…you know what to do. You'll do a good job with the team." She gave him a small shaky smile. "I'll be okay, a few weeks and I'll be as good as new."
Cho's face was as stoic as ever. She had no idea if he believed her lie or not.
Finally he stood up from his chair. "I'll keep you informed about what's going on."
"Thank you, Cho."
They had both said what they'd needed to. With the conversation finished, Lisbon expected him to leave. She looked away, out of the window, ready to indulge herself in a good long cry.
"Boss?" She looked back at the doorway to see Cho standing there. She saw actual concern and fear on his face, for once letting his emotions show through. "It'll be okay."
Lisbon tried to smile again. "I know."
He gave her a long penetrating look, not dissimilar to one Jane would use to peer into her soul. Lisbon kept her eyes on his until he left. Only when his footsteps disappeared did she heave a long sigh and she let the tears flow.
One by one everything was being stripped from her.
Jane could see from the slight slump to Cho's shoulders that he had just returned from the hospital. Of course Cho would take it upon himself to tell Lisbon the bad news. Jane was grateful for that, he hadn't wanted the burden to fall on him. He hadn't wanted to see that pained look enter her eyes.
"Hey," Rigsby said once Cho had sat down, "How'd it go?" So they saw it too. Jane took a guess that they all had that same look whenever they came back from seeing Lisbon.
"Fine," Cho said.
Well that said it all. This was torturing Lisbon. She was the best person he knew, the kindest and purest of souls. It wasn't fair. That old saying 'life isn't fair' just didn't cut it this time. This was evil, the most wicked injustice Jane had seen in a long time.
Rigsby either didn't catch all of this or was hoping he was wrong. He nodded to Cho. "Good, that's real good."
"She's doing okay then?" Grace asked. Maybe she was drawing up the courage to finally see her.
"I thought she was doing all right," Rigsby said, "I mean, she seemed okay."
Grace nodded and smiled just a bit. "Is that what you think Cho?"
Cho stared at her hard for a few second then he slowly shook his head. "No. She's not okay. Not even close."
It was time that they all stopped pretending. They could shut their eyes and plug their ears, but that didn't change the stone cold reality. Lisbon was in pain, mountains and oceans worth of turmoil.
Rigsby accepted this truth and hung his head down in defeat. Grace's hopeful smile died away. She blinked her hazel eyes several times. "What do you mean?"
"She's broken," Jane said at last, "That bastard didn't just rape her, he shattered her confidence. She's trying to act like she's okay, but the truth is that she's living in a constant state of terror and shame. She feels responsible for what happened and now she is questioning her capability to be a cop."
They didn't protest his analysis because they knew it was true. Cho even gave him a solemn nod.
"But she'll get over this…right?" Grace asked.
Jane shrugged. "I don't know."
"No," she said, "No, she will. She'll figure this out. I know it. She'll be like herself again."
A part of him wanted to let her believe that lie, but it would break Grace's heart if she pinned all of her hopes on that and then saw it shatter into pieces. Sometimes the truth hurt. Actually, it often did.
Jane shook his head softly. "No, she won't. This sort of thing…it changes a person. She'll never be exactly the same again."
He could see the truth clenching her heart as she stared back at him. Finally Grace closed her eyes and two tears spilled down her cheeks. Jane knew it hurt to hear that, but in the end it would be better for her.
Rigsby stood up from his chair, walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. She reached up and covered his comforting hand with her own. It was all they could do.
"We'll catch this guy," Cho said with renewed confidence, "Whatever it takes, we're going to get him. We've got to do this for Lisbon."
Rigsby nodded in agreement. Grace wiped her cheeks dry and then looked back at Jane. "What do we do now?"
Jane took in a breath and let it out slowly. He shook his head a little. "I wish I knew."
Jane was polite and knocked on the doorframe to Lisbon's room, he wasn't going to just barge in and surprise her like he was used to doing, she didn't need anymore surprises now. He expected to find her sitting up in her bed but was taken aback to find her standing by her bed, some clothes were laid out in front of her.
"What are you doing?" he asked, actually the answer was obvious, why she was doing this was not.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" she replied sarcastically, "I'm going home."
"Lisbon—."
"They said I could be discharged today, Jane," she cut him off, "so unless you have some reason why I need to stay in this damn hospital a minute longer then please, let me go home."
The only reason that Jane could think of was that he preferred her staying in a guarded building where her safety was assured. But he knew that she would not see it that way, she certainly didn't feel safe now. "You should have told us that you were going home."
"I can take care of myself," Lisbon replied. Her voice was firm and determined, she wanted to prove that she was still independent but her body language spoke otherwise. There was uncertainty in her movements; she didn't know what to do anymore and that frightened her. Lisbon had been completely stripped of her confidence, where she had once exhibited strength she now was vulnerable. What was worse was that she knew it, yet she continued to deny it.
"You can't do this alone, Lisbon," Jane told her softly, "how were you planning to get home?"
"Tommy will drive me," she said simply, "he's insisting that he stay with me too."
Jane nodded. "That's good."
"It isn't, he should go back home, he has a job and a daughter."
"You need him right now."
"I don't need anyone."
"You are still recovering from your injuries," Jane reminded her, "You need help until you get back on your feet."
She shook her head and sighed. "Fine, whatever, I just want to get the hell out of here."
He couldn't blame her for that.
Lisbon winced as she reached over to pick up the pants her brother had retrieved for her from her home. They were simple sweatpants that would be comfortable for her while she continued to heal. Her brother had the insight to think about her injuries when selecting her clothing. But the cast that encased her arm and the pain from her cuts and bruises made it difficult for her to bend over, let alone put on a pair of pants.
She may not have wanted help, but she needed it. "I can go find your brother so he can help you," Jane offered.
"He's getting the car and my discharge forms," Lisbon told him while she continued to struggle with her clothing.
"You could call a nurse."
"No!" she exclaimed, actually dropping the pants on the floor. "No, nurses. I don't want their help."
"You can't put those on yourself," he pointed out.
She shook her head. "I don't care. I don't want them in here. To them I'm just the rape victim on the third floor and I'm sick of it. If I see one more look of pity in their eyes then I'll scream."
Jane had no doubt that she meant it. He knew that she was the subject of gossip and pity, her questions regarding Lavinia proved it. Lisbon was a private person; to have her attack be discussed by complete strangers was a nightmare to her. It was why she was so determined to return to her previous existence of complete independence, the further she excluded herself from the public eye the sooner it might all go away.
He could indulge her in that desire.
"What do you want me to do?" he asked her.
"Nothing," she replied, "just go. I'll be fine." But she continued to wrestle with her sweatpants, her feet getting tangled up so much that she actually almost fell over. Lisbon released a frustrated groan that betrayed the fact that she was close to tearing up.
Jane knew that this was possibly a dangerous thing to do but he couldn't just stand there and do nothing either. She'd accepted his touch before, maybe she would be all right with this. He knelt down next to her and picked up the pants. "Here, let me help."
Lisbon hesitated for a moment before nodding her head slowly. "Okay."
He gathered up the legs of the sweat pants until they formed a hole and guided her feet through one at a time. Then he slowly pulled them up over her legs and around her waist before pulling the drawstring so that it was loose at her hips. This was a strange feeling, he'd held her in his arms while she cried and here she was still covered in bruises and cuts, yet there was something intimate about this.
The sweatpants were covered by the long hospital gown that she was still wearing. A simple t-shirt and bra were laid out on the bed. Jane walked around her so that he was facing her back; he hesitated for just a moment before untying the back of her gown at her neck. The gown slipped from her shoulders and down her arms, she crumpled it up before placing it on the bed.
Jane had a perfect view of Lisbon's naked back, but it was not the tantalizing image he had imagined more than once over the years.
Her skin was mottled with dark bruises and roughened areas that were scabbed over where her bare skin had been rubbed harshly by the concrete. There was a large bandage on her lower back where a deep gash was located, a cut from something that she'd fallen on in her struggles. But what made him swallow hard and fight to control his shaking was the crescent shaped bite-mark on her shoulder. The bastard had bitten her like a savage.
He did his best to ignore the horrifying picture before him, he reached over to take her undergarments and she complied by slipping her arms through the straps. Jane fastened the bra at her back gently, doing his best to keep from touching her bruises and causing her any pain. He finally gathered the shirt in his hands.
This was a bit trickier since he had to pull the cumbersome cast through the sleeve but eventually they managed to pull it through. Lisbon winced as the tugging caused her sore muscles and bruises to twinge in pain and Jane breathed out a very soft apology. Finally he pulled the shirt over her head and carefully down the rest of her torso.
Now that she was fully dressed Lisbon turned around to face him. Her face was still covered in dark bruises and her right eye was swollen but it was no longer completely shut. Her lip had a small cut running through it and other cuts marked her hairline. But she smiled gratefully, a small trembling smile. "Thank you," she whispered and gripped one of his hands in hers. "Thank you."
His lips twitched but he couldn't smile completely, not now when she was still in so much pain. Instead he just squeezed her hand, drawing comfort from her warmth as she did the same thing.
They both sat down on the edge of the bed, with her fingers laced through his. He didn't know why she was so comfortable with him dressing and touching her but he didn't question it. If she was willing to let him comfort her than he wasn't going to complain. He wanted to help her and she was willing to accept.
It was enough for now.
A/N: How did that final scene compare to last chapter's? It looks like the team won't be catching Lisbon's rapist any time soon (yipes!) which is going to make this hard on all of them. Next chapter will be HUGE as you all will get to see Lisbon's long spiral downward begin. Stay tuned.
As always, please review!