AWAKENING

I ran, I hid, I cried and worst of all I remembered the excruciating details of Lily's death over and over and over. I could not sleep, I could not eat and I could not drink. It was only a matter of time. I had sent Dumbledore a message about Harry. There was nothing more for me to do but remember her till I joined her in death. Ironically it is only the haunting, painful and overpowering memory of her that probably kept from taking my life instead of just waiting for death to come to me. Even in death Lily saved my life. Even as she died I saw no pain or fear in her, just the love and determination to protect Harry. I was responsible; I should have done something more. I had failed her-I hated myself. How had I sunk so low. I had always known the Dark Lord killed for power. I had accepted that when I joined his service. It had taken the death of Lily to admit something I had always known; he was and always had been a common murderer, no more no less. Yes, I must confess, I had known it but never admitted it because I enjoyed the power, the acceptance and recognition when I joined his service. Pathetic. What a horrible price had been paid for me to accept the truth.

Days passed. I was almost delirious and the end was near; finally peace. It was raining as I lolled with my back against a tree. I could hear the harsh cries of birds overhead. "Scavengers", I thought, "At least somebody will benefit from my death." Suddenly, there was a cry that rose above the rest and I sensed one of the birds starting its descent towards me. Grimacing, I prepared myself thinking, "Well this one doesn't want to wait-all the better." In a moment of cowardice I closed my eyes, pushed myself away from the tree, sank into a lying position and waited. I could hear the flapping of the wings over the patter of rain. I could feel the air pulsing with the movement as it came closer.

I flinched as I felt him land on my chest, the weight and the sharp claws digging into my emaciated skin. He was a big one; I could feel the weight and impact as he hit my body with the claws slicing the skin and drawing thin streams of warm blood. I waited for what seemed an eternity for the kill. Nothing, but I sensed something odd. The rain continued to fall and I could feel it on the rest of my body but nothing on my head. I opened my eyes slowly and froze. The wings of the giant bird were drawn over my face like a giant shroud shielding it from light and rain. All I could see was the glistening point of a very sharp beak and a haunting pair of eyes. Mesmerized, I could not move and stared in those eyes waiting for the death blow.

Instead, I saw tears trickling out of the birds eyes falling down luminescent as they cascaded gently towards me. The sensation as they made contact with my skin was strange. I felt as if they soaked through the layers of skin on my cheek and entered my body. A warm sense of tranquillity spread through my body as if the liquid was diffusing through my entire system. It was as if all the stress and pain I had felt was being flushed out of my being. I gradually slipped away from physical reality and fell into a state of semi-consciousness as my mind was filled with images and sounds. It did not feel like a dream and yet it could'nt be real. I kept hearing Lily , "Severus, please…Harry… you saved him..Severus, please protect...". I tried to respond but all I could do was whimper in response as my mind could not seem to form a coherent response. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and I could not. I was not capable of living myself let alone caring for a young boy. I was a failure and I deserved to die.

"Stop your self-pity you fool." The voice of Dumbledore boomed in my head. "Yes, you have been weak and worthless and must atone. I will not let you take the easy way by letting go. You made a promise to that brave, wonderful girl and I intend that you keep it. Enough of your grovelling; if she meant anything to you, get up and come to me. You insult her memory by wallowing in your self-pity pretending that you cared about her".

"How dare you! I loved her more than my life." I roared.

" Then give your life to her; by dying you give nothing, by living you fulfil your promise to look after Harry."

I knew in my heart he was right but what a burden it was. I hated myself and couldn't bear the sight of Harry as he would remind me of how I had failed that night. What a life it would be if I accepted; I could expect nothing other than more unhappiness and bitterness. I heard her again , "Severus, please…Harry… you saved him..Severus, please protect.." I had no choice. With an effort I gathered my senses and said, "What must I do?"

There was a pause and then Dumbledore spoke again in a gentler voice, "Come to me Severus. Come to Hogwarts. There we will discuss many things and I will help you fulfil your duty. Get up now!"

I felt a sharp, stinging pain in my cheek and my came awake with a jolt. I saw the enormous bird that had jabbed me with its beak. It was Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix. Then I understood; the tears carried the healing of the phoenix and the message from Dumbledore. Fawkes stared at me; my imagination or did I see pity reflected in his eyes. Then with a contemptuous cry he spread his wings, leapt up in the air effortlessly soaring to great heights and glided away.

I was alone. It was no longer raining. I stood up. I felt weak but gathered my resolve. Pulling my cape around my weakened body I started walking. I took my time knowing well it was a long road ahead and that no respite or welcome awaited me at the end of this long journey.

NEXT: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE