Ryogaification
By Ozzallos

A double axe carved through air, taking a tiny sliver of black hair with it as it sought to remove the tiger stripped bandanna from the eternally lost martial artist's head. This, of course, would have split it clean in half if not for the boy's lightning reflexes and keen sense of survival. The wielder snarled at this turn of events, trying desperately to angle the head-splitting implement downward, but instead managed to open a gaping hole in its own defense. Ryoga Hibiki considered the hole for a split second before a small fanged grin crossed his face. Had his green scaled, semi-humanoid opponent noticed the grin, it might have made some move to extricate itself from the situation instead of producing a hostile hiss, but it didn't, and Ryoga shifted his hand from a fist to a single index finger, pointing it into the lizard-mans' shining armored torso. Even if his reptilian aggressor had recognized the significance of the finger, it probably would have dismissed the technique outright. After all, the Bakusai Tenketsu usable only against non-living constructs, and it certainly didn't fall into that category.

Unfortunately, the shiny ceremonial armor it wore did.

The finger touched its distorted counterpart reflecting in the armor's polished surface and instantly shattered the plated sheet, causing it to rip through its less durable owner with ease. The unbound axe flew off into the surrounding melee, imbedding itself into another encroaching lizard-man while the one perforated by shrapnel fell to Ryoga's feet in a bloody heap.

Two down, fifty more to go.

A redhead blurred to his right, taking down two more of the humanoid lizards in a flurry of martial arts devastation. Ryoga snarled as his next three opponents closed on him. "Dammit, Ranma, I'm tired of seeing hell because of you!"

"As if you had anything better to do!" The redhead didn't even spare him a glance with the retort as her fist blurred, ruthlessly pulverizing the combatant in front of her. A broad sword flashed at her back and she rolled away, leaving the Tensu Amagurikan victim falling to the earth as the new opponent tracked her through the evasion. Ranma recovered from the tumble and caught its scaled arm on the downward stroke and shoved a palm into its elbow, snapping the joint like a twig. Another took the lizard man's place and she cracked its kneecap with a hard snap-kick.

"I could be getting lost! On a beach!" Ryoga hollered above the din of battle, finally retrieving the umbrella he had let loose somewhere near the beginning of the engagement. It had cut through the lizard ranks, breaking their discipline but failing to achieve its return arc as it encountered line after line of armor. He smiled grimly and pulled its folded red length from the ground, swatting at an encroaching reptile. The deceptively light implement slammed into its breast plate and transferred a generous chunk of kinetic energy into the body therein, crumpling steel, breaking bone and causing the scaled combatant to fly back into the melee.

Ranma simply rolled her eyes as she ducked beneath the swing of a pole arm. The overextended arc gave her more than ample opportunity to step in and disarm the attacker while using his body as a shield to intercept the spear eagerly looking to impale itself on her. The shining razor tip found her improvised barrier with a meaty 'thunk', and her lizard's eyes went wide in shock. The armor covering his back had directed most of the thrust away from what she could only assume were vital organs, but the original wielder had put more than enough power behind the blow. Lizard boy would be lucky to walk away with only a collapsed lung, let alone massive internal bleeding. Fortunately, that wasn't any of her concern and she kicked the expendable lizard shield away, pointing an open palm downrange at the spear chucker.

"As if you could ever get us lost anywhere like that! Moko Takabisha!"

Blue confidence blazed out of the outstretched palm in the form of a massive sphere, covering twenty feet of battlefield instantly. It was the last thing the spear bearer saw as hardened ki not only plowed into him like a freight train, but the three compatriots behind him.

Ryoga stepped into the vacuum created by the ki attack and began swinging the red umbrella wildly, taking supreme advantage of the shock created by Ranma's technique. Four lizard men soldiers went down nearly instantaneously while two more were sucked into an explosion of earthen stone. A bandanna came off his head and a seventh fell at the redhead's back. She nodded silent thanks and the Lost Boy returned the acknowledgement with a retort. "Just you wait. I'll get lost to a nice beach next time!"

"As long as it isn't those damn Aztec temples again." Ranma closed ranks with the boy and the two fell into precision movement. Ryoga began to deal the heavy blows as Ranma dance around him, peppering anything the boy missed with lightning strikes. The pigtailed girl faded out sight for an instant and reappeared behind one of the larger reptilian soldiers, dumping high powered pinpoint strikes into its armored spine. The plate seemed to hold and her target remained standing, but only for a moment. While the metallic shell was designed to ablate casual strikes, it in no way protected its wearer from ethereal spikes of ki. Pressure points were hit and vital organs damaged in spite of the protection.

The scaled monster fell.

"And I still don't know how you keep finding those things!" She balked, flowing around the collapsing body to pick out her next target.

"I said BACK OFF!" Ryoga roared at a particularly annoying lizard that would try to lance him with a spear, only to run off as the boy turned on him. As soon as his attention was diverted by another of his lizard brethren, the stalker would return to repeat the process all over. This time he took the full force of Ryoga's backhanded umbrella in the face, pirouetting three times in place before collapsing bonelessly to the earth. The Hibiki growled as another filled the gap.

This was getting old.

They had originally gone into the backwater valley with six of their own, including himself, Ranma, Mousse, Shampoo, Ukyo and Kuno. Everybody involved knew what to expect. After all, they were old pros at rescuing Akane by now. They walked into the ancient Chinese mountain fortress like they owned the place and were predictably greeted by its layered defenses. First, there was the lumbering stone golem featuring six scimitar-bearing arms and a grumpy disposition. Kuno was a shoo-in for that one. Next came the agile pair of Twin Monkey Gods who made the mistake of insulting Shampoo. Last they saw Mousse, edged weaponry was positively raining down around his opponents. Ukyo took the Dancing Jester of Despair after drawing straws with Shampoo, who in turn went on to duel a giant snake-thing.

That was all about twenty minutes ago.

And now there were lizard men. All over the goddamn place.

So much for flipping the coin over who got to rescue Akane, Ryoga scoffed to himself as another combatant crumbled beneath his martial arts devastation. To his surprise, this particular lizard was made of sterner stuff and fought to regain its foot even after hitting the dirt. That effort was promptly ended by his redheaded compatriot, who used his target as a landing pad upon concluding a particularly painful aerial combination on another reptile only a few feet away.

"Say, you getting bored?"

Ryoga Hibiki considered the crouching girl and her lizard mat for a moment, then shrugged. "Yeah. Time to wrap this up."

"Dual Technique," Ranma's expression brightened with a roguish grin. "Try and keep up this time." With that, she spun away from the boy and drew to the full measure of her diminutive height. "HEY YA DAMBASS LIZARDS! YO MOMMA'S SNAKE SKIN BOOT!" The Lizard contingent instantly halted and every beady reptilian eye locked onto the red head. Ryoga simply shook his head, massaging his forehead with slight embarrassment. Ranma took another deep breath. "YOUR MOMMA'S SOOO FAT—"

RAARRRRRAARRRrrrRRR!

"Whoops." Ranma's eyes widened as the entire host bellowed in rage, surging forth into their position. She took a quick glance over her shoulder at her partner. "Time to go."

The redhead was gone in a flash and it took Ryoga a full moment to react himself before chasing after the girl as she weaved her way through the homicidal mass of scales, talons and edged weaponry. One of the beasts leapt into his path and he declined the engagement, opting to use its head as a springboard as he did his best to keep the bobbing red mane in sight as they both traced a pattern through the mob. It was a pattern he knew well and he kept pace behind her as the army of reptiles trailed in to form…

…A spiral.

A huge one. Ranma skidded into the center, and it was all the Hibiki could do to keep his own ki clamped down as he considered the devastation they were about to unleash on the scaly mass of lizard men. He slid to a halt next to Ranma less than a second later and she favored him with a feral grin as she prepared to push cold ki skyward. He settled in close to her, pressing into the meager space the dragon's eye would afford them. They both shared a mutual look and the girl nodded.

"Now."

"BAKUSAI TENKETSU!"

"HIYRU SHOTEN HA!"

"No, really. Three hundred and fifty brothers and sisters if you can believe it."

Akane Tendo leaned forward in her push red velvet seat, taking the new information in stride as a finger curled around a fine china tea cup. It seemed outrageous taken at first glance, but then one had to remember that it was The Lizard King sitting across from her, and her biology classes did bear out the fact that some reptiles did have unusually large clutches. Steam curled about her nose and she took a sip of the green tea residing in the intricately decorated cup.

"Sometimes it's all I can do to manage my two." Akane returned conversationally while mentally forcing herself not to fidget. It wasn't the fact that she had been kidnapped by reptilian royalty and forced to spend three days in his company. Nor was it the fact that she was surrounded by his halberd bearing elite guard clad in full ceremonial plate armor. It wasn't even that she was expected to marry the well spoken green and gold scaled Lizard King. While not at the top of her to-do list, she did have to admit he was rather civilized, well groomed and generally pleasant company in spite of the circumstances.

No, what was causing the fidgeting was the dress she now wore, which had all the consistency of silk toilet paper and a cut that barely left consideration for modesty. The neckline was low and the dress hem was high, which all but assured her that the tailor was a pervert by nature, reptilian or no. All in all, it was par for the course and she settled. When it was all said and done, she'd add yet another fancy, yet highly impractical dress to her collection.

Akane smiled and forced her attention back onto the Lizard man who appeared rather well adjusted to the finery of his own wardrobe "How did you manage with that many siblings?"

"Oh, I ate them." The sipping stopped and Akane set the tea back onto the shiny gold leaf table before she could spit out the remainder. He continued as if the topic were quite innocuous. "Of course, there was no way the throne could support a brood that size, let alone the succession feuds it would instigate. Besides, there was tradition to consider."

"Of… Of course." Akane gulped, managing to keep a straight face through the conversation. Revulsion aside, she was quite proud of herself. Back in the early days she might have actually spit the beverage across the table in shock. Not that it helped her come up with another trival topic of conversation in the interim, a minor detail that was solved for her as a scaled guard rushed to his side, quickly bowing before hissing into the King's ear. Or rather the side of his head, Akane revised, noting the placement of the reptile's audio membrane. The Reptilian King hissed something back and nodded, sending the soldier rushing off.

The Monarch pushed his tea forward and away, standing up. "It would seem that your friends are rather persistent. No matter. They will be made to see that this is union sanctioned by the gods themselves."

Don't let Kuno hear you say that, Akane snorted mentally as the King turned on a taloned heel. He motioned to a pair of his elite and they stepped forward, receiving his hissing instructions to form up around the entrance, when-

BOOM!

Akane Tendo's eyes widened as a massive bulge imprinted itself into the huge bronze double doors that stood closed from across the reptile throne. The budge glowed orange momentarily but held, fading back to a shade darker than the remaining door. Akane's consort chuckled to himself.

"That door is pure bronze, crafted by the finest royal artisans. They will not gain-"

BOOM! BOOM!

Two more immense shocks reverberated throughout the room with the next impacts. Another pair of indentations now marked the double doors, both glowing orange for a few seconds longer than the last before fading.

The Lizard King arched an eyebrow or its scaled equivalent. "Impressive." He noted, turning back to Akane. "Futile, but quite impressive. Once your friends calm down, I will be more than happy to allow them-"

ShrrriiieeeKWHAAAM!

Bronze plate suddenly parted like paper as the doors were forcibly ripped from their hinges, blasted into little more than shrapnel as the Lizard King's elite guard took the fragmentation on the chin. Their front line crumpled and died under the metal storm, carving through their ranks like a bronze scythe. They fell back under the sudden and brutal assault, giving themselves room to regroup as their attackers cleared the cloud of debris. It was a slight surprise to find that the strike force who had just disposed of a third of their brethren numbered two. The pair of teens stepped through the cloud and into the large throne room, all but ignoring the force before them.

The diminutive redheaded girl considered her banndannaed partner with a slightly put out look. "Show off."

"Light weight." The fanged boy retorted, stepping over a body.

The put out look existed for another moment before being replaced by a shrug. "Okay, so it's a useful technique. Damned if I want to become boulder target practice learning it, though."

"Could say the same thing about sticking my hands in a fire." Ryoga returned, causing the redhead to chuckle as the pair advanced.

"True." With that, she turned her attention back to the lizard men, their King and the dark blue haired girl beside him. "C'mon, 'Kane. Vacation's over. Let's go home."

The Tendo's face morphed from surprise to scowl. Not even a comment about her dress. "What, you think I'm here because I enjoy it?"

"She is here as decreed by fate!" The Lizard King proclaimed. A smaller lizard ran up to him with a sheathed sword and the monarch grabbed its hilt, pulling the gleaming edge free of its leather confines. With glistening fangs and a snarl, he raised the blade high into the air. "I Acrchimondius the Eighth of the Scaled Throne proclaim it thus!"

Ranma simply rolled her eyes and Ryoga shook his head next to her. "Trust us. You want to let her go."

"Do not force the issue. I should hate to split your bodies before the very eyes of my bride." The Reptilian King shrugged of his purple cloak with stylistic flare and brought his sword to bear on them for dramatic effect.

"Oh, please." Ranma scoffed. "We just went through a stone golem, big snake, two monkies, a clown and fifty lizards. I mean, look. We can fight some more, but aren't you gonna at least offer me a cure for my curse in exchange for Akane's hand in marriage?"

The Lizard King cocked his head, considering the offer. "As a matter of fact, my bride did mention your perverted curse. And I do believe I have just such an artifact in my possession." He scratched his scaled dewflap thoughtfully. "Jusenkyo, correct?"

"The one and only." Ranma smiled dryly, then nudged Ryoga. "Told ya so."

"Ah yes." The King nodded, then hissed to his sword bearer, who instantly scampered off into an adjacent room. "Akane Tendo for a cure to your curse. I believe we can come to some sort of arrangement."

"What!" Akane yelped, glaring at the redhead. "You can't be serious!"

"Sure I am." Ranma shrugged. The line of elites parted to allow them access to the King and his throne. "Your kidnappers always have cures and I'm always forced ta destroy 'em or somthin'. 'Bout time I cashed in on at least one of em."

The sword bearer returned, holding a large golden scepter featuring a jewel encrusted ball at the tip. He handed it to the Lizard King who inspected it as Ranma and Ryoga stepped forward. "The Scepter of Transversal. All one needs to do is hold the artifact and utter the words 'Klaatu Verata Nictu' to activate its curse removal magic."

Ranma cleared the final steps to the throne as Ryoga waited on the main floor. She smiled gratefully at the lizard and took the scepter from his talons even as Akane continued her glare daggers into her. The Saotome twirled the scepter like a baton through her fingers, testing its weight. The redhead nodded. "Oh yeah. This will come in handy."

"Then we have a deal-"

WHAM!

Akane barely saw the strike, but the result was obvious as the lizard king flew backwards into his plush throne, nearly destroying the highly decorated oaken wood chair from shock. She watched as the king slumped bonelessly into it, then turned incredulously on Ranma, who was staring at the now deformed Scepter of Transversal. Her fiancé studied the implement and the ninety degree bend it now featured along its length.

"Darn. Destroyed another cure." She deadpanned and shrugged, nonchalantly tossing the useless magical item back over her shoulder. It clattered along across the marble floor. "C'mon, 'Kane. Let's blow this joint."

A stunned Akane followed the redhead to join Ryoga at the base of the stairs where he stood off against the King's elite guard, though it was obvious that they were considerably less confident with their king snoring unconsciously on the throne. They backed up another couple steps as the girl who had bested their king joined the already formidable Lost Boy.

"We're leavin'" Ranma gestured to the remaining guard with a bright smile that belied the devastation wrought in her wake. "Thank the king there for all the practice when he wakes up."

Ryoga nodded with the sentiment and fell in behind Ranma as they made their way back through the shattered bronze doors. Akane could only stare as they traced back though the violent entrance. "I can't believe you would use me as a diversion!"

"Aw c'mon." Ranma sighed as they cleared the ruined doors and stepped out into daylight where Tatewake Kuno, Xiam Pu, Mu Zsu and Ukyo Kuonji stood conversing pleasantly. "Didn't hurt any and we were getting tired of fighting the lizards anyway."

"Ah, the fiery Tigress emerges from the lair of the beast unharmed, as I knew she would!" Tatewake prattled upon noticing the trio depart the palace. Conversation stopped in favor of smiles and curiosity. "So fortunate that you should do so with the pigtailed goddess as well!"

"Hey Ranchan!"

"Airen!"

"Didn't hurt?" Akane fumed, stopping short. The group's pleasantries faded into uncertainty as the Tendo's anger continued to build. "Well thank you Mister Consideration! And you didn't have to hit Archi-kun so hard! I almost had him convinced to let me go anyway!"

"Archi-kun?" Ukyo blinked.

"Take violent girl three days to convince?" Shampoo cocked her head, chewing on the idea.

"Who else is gonna waste the time to rescue ya?" Ranma retorted and Ryoga simply shook his head with the ill-thought statement. Foot meet mouth. Mouth, foot. "Why should I be rescuing some uncute… uh.."

"Waste of time, hmmm?" Akane's eyes narrowed to slits, causing Ranma to wince as she realized the full import of her original statement. "At least I know Ryoga is a gallant gentleman." With that statement, she pulled the blinking lost boy closer and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. "Thank YOU for coming to my rescue. Unlike SOME people. Maybe you should be my fiancée instead."

She had meant it as a joke. A barb with which to prod her on again off again fiancée into reacting. At least that's how it should have worked. What should have occurred and what did were two entirely separate things as Akane watched Ranma's eyes widen with the kiss then settle into a venomous glare. Akane pulled away, slightly startled at the intensity and the redhead held it for another moment before turning on a heel and storming off across the palace grounds.

"Aiyah…" Shampoo sighed at the scene, staring at Ranma's back as she walked off.

"Dammit, Akane!" Ukyo scowled at her, then turned to Ryoga, shaking her head. "You had better go calm her down, jackass." Ryoga nodded at the statement that sounded more like a threat than anything else, and was gone after the redhead without further prompting.

"A tragedy to be sure!" Kuno suffused, shaking his head. "The gods must assuredly weep to see such beauty part company under strained emotion!"

Even Akane was left in wonder now. "What… What just happened?"

Shampoo, simply looked at her, then to the irritable Kuoji who looked back silently. Of course, they knew what had happened. The girl had just tried to play on Ranma's rivalry with Ryoga, only to have it backfire spectacularly in her face. It wouldn't have been the first time Akane had played that card unconsciously, but after all they had been through as rivals, it filled both girls with a certain amount of unholy glee to watch fail in such an epic manner.

Crapspace Notes-
File this one under 'too easy'. Well, that and it's sub-header 'done to death.' Basically, we'd have had Ranma and Ryoga getting lost together over the course of a fic and slowly growing attached to one another in a way that makes the Knights of the True Gender (heretoafter known as the KotTG) all squiky inside. I've often said I love a challenge and treading over well WELL worn ground just couldn't save this fic. But don't worry, Knights. I have something truly vile to replace it. Besides, if you read this far, you're a closet -chan fan anyway. Just roll with it and come to the dark side. We have cookies.