A/N: I'm sorry that this chapter is late, but the Olympics have literally consumed me. Reviews are very much appreciated!
"I bet Eddie agrees with me," Danny said. "Right?"
"Uh… what?" She looked up, eyes wide in confusion. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention." It was she and Jamie's first family dinner since Katherine's birth, and she was struggling to follow the conversation, her thoughts fuzzy and moving.
"That baby still keeping you up all night?" Henry asked with a chuckle.
"Yeah." Eddie smiled briefly. "I should go check on her, actually."
She moved to get up, and Jamie put a hand on her arm.
"Eddie, she's fine. We would have heard her through the monitor.
"Yeah, but—"
"Let her go," Erin said. "Sometimes a mom just needs to see for herself."
When he was sure she was out of earshot, Jamie leaned forward, talking softly.
"Is it normal for her to be worried all the time?"
"What do you mean?" Linda asked.
"Like, she's always hovering over Katherine, or checking on her if she's in the other room. And she calls me all the time at work, just to ask if I'm okay."
"Hm. I wouldn't have guessed Eddie would be a nervous mother," Linda said. "Although this is her first baby. That one's the scariest. The second one is much easier." She winked at Sean, who smiled smugly at his older brother.
"Do you think I should be worried about her?" Jamie asked.
"You kinda sound like you already are, kid," Danny observed.
Jamie rolled over, half-asleep. He could tell she was awake even with her back to him, her breathing shallow and uneven, her limbs shifting slightly. He draped an arm over her and pulled her against her chest, curving his body to fit to hers. She froze at his touch, feeling trapped and claustrophobic where she usually felt safe and warm.
"Hey," he whispered into her neck, his voice still slurred from sleep.
She tried to relax, telling all of her muscles to unclench, but she felt wound tight, restricted.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, peeling his arm off from around her. "I'm just really warm and you're gonna make me sweat," she lied, hoping he would accept it at face value. She scooted closer to the edge of the bed, making a show of taking the comforter off.
Eddie was having a good morning. She felt well rested, and even energetic after a cup of coffee. She made a real breakfast, did two loads of laundry, waved brightly colored toys in front of Katherine's face, and took a shower, all before lunchtime. As she started to get hungry again, she lifted Katherine high in the air, kissing her soft belly.
"How about we take some lunch to Daddy?" she asked. "You can see a police precinct for the first time!"
Jamie grinned when the two arrived, taking Katherine's car seat off of Eddie's arm as he leaned down to kiss her.
"This is a wonderful surprise."
"Yeah, well, I'm feeling really good today," Eddie said, following Jamie to his office.
He set Katherine's car seat down on his desk, unbuckling her and picking her up, kissing the top of her head. He nestled her into the crook of his arm, and Eddie put a paper bag down next to the car seat.
"I'll go get the drinks and the diaper bag out of the car," she smiled. "I only had so many hands." She gestured to the paper bag. "But I got your favorite."
"Thanks, babe."
Eddie disappeared and he looked down at Katherine, bouncing her a little bit.
"Your mama is having a good day today, huh?" he asked. "That makes your daddy really happy."
When Eddie returned with the drinks, they sat in Jamie's office and ate, talking and laughing easily.
I'm better, I'm better! Eddie thought, entertaining officers as they came in to say hi and to meet Katherine. This is what every day will be like from here on out.
"I don't know why you've been so worried about her, Sarge," one of the officers remarked to Jamie after Eddie and Katherine left. "She seems perfectly fine to me."
"I chased him for three blocks," Jamie recounted. "And that idiot kept throwing stolen stuff out of his pockets and onto the street. By the time I caught up to him, he had dumped it all, and was trying to tell me it wasn't him." He laughed. "Officer Elliot comes up behind me, hands full of stuff, and that shut him up real quick."
"Yeah, well some idiot came at me with a Swiss Army knife," Danny said. "It was like an inch and a half long, maybe. I just looked at him."
The dinner table laughed, Eddie doing so without much conviction. She used to be able to join in with stories of her own, making the family laugh or cringe. But now, her stories would only be about how much Katherine ate or pooped or that she made eye contact regularly now. She still had over a month of maternity leave left—her long maternity leave was probably a perk of being the Commissioner's daughter-in-law, and before Katherine, she had been thrilled at the idea of not missing a moment of her daughter's first three months of life. But now, she just saw a whole lot more time spent doing nothing. That was six more family dinners where she was only a spectator.
She had spent eight months practically on desk duty, and would end up with three months at home on maternity leave. That was eleven months where she hadn't been able to do her job, eleven months where Katherine had been in charge of how she spent her days.
Erin and Linda were telling stories now, too, and Eddie wanted to yell that it wasn't fair—they were mothers, too, and they still got to do things. A voice in the back of her mind told her that they had once been where she was, and she would one day be where they were, but that voice was drowned out by the one screaming that this wasn't fair and it was all Katherine's fault.
And then, guilt crashed into her like a bullet to the gut. What kind of mother thought that about her baby? What kind of mom resented her baby for taking up her time? She should be so grateful, grateful that she had a healthy baby, grateful that she had so much time to spend with her.
She clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms to keep herself from crying or yelling or throwing up.
"You didn't think that was funny, Eddie?" Henry asked. "Come on."
The whole table was looking at her now, their laughter fading.
"Aunt Eddie, are you okay?" Nicki asked, and she shook her head.
"Sorry, I just don't feel very good."
Jamie's hand came to rest on her thigh, and she avoided his eyes.
"If you all don't mind, I think I'm going to go upstairs and lay down for a little bit." Still not looking at Jamie, she added, "no one has to follow me; I'll be fine."
The silence was deafening as she got up and left the room.
She shut herself in one of the upstairs bedrooms, leaving the light off and crawling under the covers. She pulled the blankets up to her chin and turned into one of the pillows, suddenly sobbing uncontrollably.
Downstairs, Jamie waited a moment before putting his fork down, standing up with the intention of following his wife.
"Son," Frank said, a commanding tone to his voice. "Sit down."
"But Dad—"
"She's made it clear that she wants to be left alone."
"Dad, there's something wrong with her!"
"I think we all know that, Jamie."
The rest of the table nodded in solemn agreement, and Jamie slumped down in his seat.
"I don't know what to do anymore," he admitted quietly.
Eddie flipped through the channels lazily, looking down at Katherine laying on her chest, eating with her blue eyes darting around the room.
Eddie felt like a milk machine—barely like a human. Even the bottle Jamie gave Katherine each day had to come from her first, literally pumped out of her by a machine, like a cow. Her only purpose was to provide nutrition. It wasn't her body anymore; it was Katherine's. It had been Katherine's for over ten months now. Eddie felt like an outsider, watching. She felt like a tube of toothpaste, every drop of life being squeezed out of her, used up. One day, she would be empty, and there was nothing she could do but watch and let it happen.
Katherine's baptism went smoothly, either in spite of or because of Eddie's panicking the entire morning, paranoid that they would forget something important.
"Do we have the baby?" Jamie asked.
"Yes," she said, confused, pointing at the car seat Jamie held in his hand.
"Diaper bag? Check," he said, shifting his shoulder to show it off. "Christening gown?"
Eddie lifted the garment she had slung over her arm.
"Okay, check. Mom?" He pointed at her. "Check. Dad? Also check. We have all we need, Eddie. It's fine."
"I just want it to be perfect," she said quietly, and he nodded.
"I know. It will be."
During the ceremony, Eddie fidgeted, and then became self-conscious about it. She put all of her energy into standing still, finding that much easier to focus on than what the priest was saying.
She watched Jamie and Katherine with pride swelling in her chest. She was so in love with her little family, and so thankful for their big family standing around them. She smiled as brightly as she could for all of the pictures, her feet hurting from the heels she hadn't worn in months, her brain cloudy, and her eyelids heavy with the exhaustion that seems to be a permanent part of her life now.
They went back to Henry and Frank's for a celebratory lunch, and Eddie put all of her energy into following the conversation and contributing to it, forcing herself to eat a whole plate of food even though she felt full after only a few bites. When the family asked about dessert, she volunteered to help go get it, grateful for a break from the big group.
"Thank you," Eddie said, breaking the comfortable silence in the kitchen as she poured cups of coffee and Frank sliced cake.
"For what?" he asked.
"For having everyone over here, and cooking."
"Well, of course. You should celebrate your daughter's baptism, not have to work for it. Besides," he winked, "I didn't cook. Erin and Linda and Pops did."
"But she's your granddaughter."
He shrugged. "Well, we have everything else over here, don't we?"
She nodded, extra grateful because she knew—everyone knew—that these days, it took every ounce of energy and fight she had to do even the simplest tasks. Cleaning and cooking were impossible. Taking a shower and getting dressed felt like running a marathon. And as much as she loved this family, being around them and having to be a part of conversation was draining her to past zero.
By the time they were able to pull away from the family and get home, Eddie felt like she was dying. She couldn't concentrate on anything anyone was saying, her hands were shaking, and her limbs felt heavy and useless.
"I need to go to bed," she said, climbing in with her dress clothes still on.
Almost as if on cue, Katherine started crying, and Eddie felt her breasts twinge. Katherine needed to eat one more time before she went to bed for a few hours.
"Please, please tell me there's milk in the fridge," she begged, her voice weak.
Jamie shook his head, shifting the baby in his arms. "No, I gave her the last this morning. I'm so, so sorry, Eddie."
She pulled her shirt off and undid her bra, unable to keep herself from crying out of sheer exhaustion. Jamie placed the baby on the bed next to her, sitting with them as Katherine latched on and ate.
"I'm so sorry, babe," he said soothingly, stroking Eddie's hair as she whimpered. "You did so good today. So good. I'm so proud of you."
"I'm so tired," she cried.
"I know, baby. I know."
Eddie knew that it had been hours since she had gone back to bed, but she was still wide awake.
There's something wrong with me, she thought, and it seemed to echo over and over in her head like a chant. There's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with me. I am not supposed to feel like this. I am not supposed to be like this.
Mothers are not supposed to be like this.
I am a terrible mother.
She listened to Jamie's steady breathing, wondering if he knew what a terrible mother she was. Of course he did. Jamie had had a great mother. He had great sisters who were great mothers. He had a great father, and a great brother who was a great father. Jamie was a great father. And his wife was a terrible mother.
She chewed on her lip, staring at the ceiling. If Jamie knew, why didn't he stay home more, and protect Katherine from her? Because we need money. Maybe that was why he scooped up Katherine the moment he got home every night. He had insisted on giving Katherine her bath the other night—did he think Eddie would drown her? Surely he didn't think that, or he would have taken Katherine and left long ago.
Maybe that's what he was planning. Maybe that's what he should be planning.
She turned over to look at his sleeping form, his back to her. She knew he was talking to his family about her—"we're all a little worried, you're just not yourself lately," Erin had told her—were they helping him come up with an escape plan?
She wasn't going to let Jamie take her baby. Not without a fight. But—Katherine was Jamie's baby, too. Maybe even more so. Eddie had carried and birthed and fed Katherine, but she cried in Eddie's arms and relaxed in Jamie's. Maybe Jamie should take her away.
She reached out a tentative hand, pinching the soft fabric of Jamie's t-shirt between her fingers. She couldn't lose Jamie, either. She couldn't imagine life without him. She didn't want to.
She was just going to have to be better.