Forbidden Lust: Trying Times
A Novella: By Benjamin Hale
Point Of View: Alex Dunphy
I decide to walk home from school. It will give me some time to clear my head at least. Wrap my mind around everything that went on in class today. I could have got a ride, but some days you have those moments where you just need to be alone, and today is one of those. I have a lot to consider with Vince, especially given the soon to be nature of our interactions. Although our interaction was minimal compared to my daily scope of interactions, it was big for me, especially with someone who I could see myself being with if the cards are played right.
I get to thinking about the things he said to me, the way he said them, and what it means for me. I have always been the kind of person to over analyze a situation and turn it into something it's not. While I would rather not do this with my recent encounter with Vince it's been hard for me not to. My mind just takes over, one thing leads to another and soon I can find myself making up intentions that may not be there. It has proved helpful in terms of my current relationship with Robbie, but detrimental for many other people in my life. I would rather predict and expect for things that may never happen than have to deal with the reality of things will.
About three-fourths of my way back home, I stop at a local market and pick up a drink. I stay there for a while to browse the various assortments of food and drink that they have to offer. Anything at this point to get my mind off things. I would rather not think about what happened, more so the extreme amount of work I have to get done before the day is out. It's the exact reason I have never bothered to pursue men in the past. They only create more drama for me. It is never how I would expect things to go. Whether it be the petty nature of their wants or the push of me to break out of this constructed shell they seem to think I am in. Whatever it is I don't like it, and I would rather they just accept me for who I am, and work to understand the things I do and where I come from in doing certain things. While I am always open to making changes I refuse to change certain things about myself. That I will never do.
Arriving home I can feel the seat sticking to my back amidst the heat of California raining down before me. I am sick to my stomach with anxiety as I place my backpack on the couch and try to cool myself off. I can hear my parents in the kitchen laughing and talking about something. Their voices aren't in full tone, but I know they are in there. I'd much rather avoid them if I could, saving me the agony of having to explain to them my day and what went on. Checking my phone I catch a glimpse of Vince's number written out on my hand. I sigh at the desperate attempt to romance he seemed to project before taking a picture. The sweat has already smudged it a good bit, making the numbers almost illegible. I snag a photo to prevent losing it when I wash my hands.
A large sudden roar of laughter comes from the kitchen, breaking me from my phone. I can hear the soft patter of footsteps growing louder. I brace myself for the pokes and prods of my mother, only to be met by Haley, who seems just as pleased to find me as I am to find her. From the looks of it, she just woke up within the last two hours, as she wears a pair of nylon shorts with an oversized t-shirt and her hair up in a bun. Her eyes droop down, laden with a look of exhaustion that couldn't be masked no matter how hard she tried.
She smiles at me, pulling me into the living room with an exasperated look "Thank god you're home."
"What's going on in there?" I ask curious about the laughter yet not wanted to explore it myself.
"Ugh." She rubs her face with annoyance "Luke built this ant maze in school today." I tilt my head with confusion "Yeah. My feeling exactly. Mom and dad are like, dying in there over it."
"Seems really anti-climatic." I grab my backpack and sling it over my shoulder.
"Thirty minutes. They placed bets on which ant would win it all. It's been thirty minutes."
"Say what you want they do find ways to keep themselves entertained."
"At the expense of the whole house." Haley rolls her eyes "Woke me up early today. I don't have work till seven tonight and I need my sleep for the night shift."
"Just sleep in my room." I offer her "It's a lot quieter. I have to do homework anyway."
"Oh my god, you're a lifesaver." She wraps her arms around me with joy "Thought I was going to have to rent a hotel room or something. Inconsiderate pricks."
As I collect my things and head upstairs with Haley I do my best to think of what to say with her. While I want to spill my guts and tell her everything that's going on I worry she will take control of things. Haley is a great sister, but she has a way of making you do things you'd rather not do. I've experienced this first hand with the ridiculous cover stories and begs she's made to me when sneaking in late, or when she told me to sleep with Robbie so he would stop bothering me. Of course, I don't listen to everything she tells me, but her suggestions seem so good-hearted it is hard for me to say no to her, as I would hate to disappoint my older sister and make her seem more inferior to me then she already is. I have basically turned into a yes man robot with her at this point.
"Bed!" She plops down on my covers as soon as we enter "Sweet, sweet bed."
"Don't get too comfortable." I lay my backpack down on the side of my desk "This is a one-time thing."
"And I will not overspend my welcome." Haley sits up rubbing her face once more, staring at me as I read a rather upsetting message from Robbie but don't bother to respond right then.
"Hey." She squits her eyes "What's on your hand."
There is no return now. I have to tell her. It will be a matter of seconds before she discovers what it is. I could maybe get away with making up some story about science numbers or something, but I am so shot from earlier that my brain is refusing to function at the same pace it would have I not been plagued with the worry of meeting Vince. I shake my head and take a seat at my desk, rolling my chair around to face her.
"The guy I like." I hold my hand up with a smile "I got his number."
The smile across Haley's face is more then I'd expect to make me happy. My mood shifting as she lays down on the bed in some wild loopy state of exhaustion, smiling to herself as I examine the ten digits on my hands.
"I knew you could do it." She shoots up with enthusiasm "Tell me the details."
"It was like so cliche it's almost sad." I hold my head down in embarrassment "I had to move to a higher level class for English and he was in it." Haley's eyes go wide "I was in complete shock."
"That is so random it may as well be planned out." Haley laughs.
"It gets worse." I shake my head leaning back "We had to get partners for this history assignment, and he was the only one left who didn't get a partner, so I had to work with him. He wants to come over here tonight so we can work on the project together. Get a head start on a project due two weeks from now."
"He sounds just like you." My sister sits criss-cross on the bed "When is he coming over?"
"I don't know." I turn somber "I don't know if I want to see him too be honest with you."
"Why not?" Haley shoots back almost instantly "This is like your chance to make something happen between you two and you're going to back out of it?" I try to keep myself from blurting out at her in annoyance as she continues to harass me over my comment "Do you know how many girls would kill to be assigned mandatory time with their crush? I mean, just think of the groud you can gain with him just working on this project?"
"It's not without reason." I lean forward in trying to explain myself "I just got this weird vibe from him right before we left that he was trying to get with me or something." Haley leans back listening to me "Just like the way he handled himself. Took my hand and wrote his number down instead of using paper or like telling me to hit him up whenever and he would come by." Haley's face goes stern "I think he wants to have sex with me."
"Why is that a bad thing?" Haley looks to me with confusion "If a guy wants to have sex with you, then it means he likes you in some way." My sister hops to the end of the bed "I mean, with babies like those I wouldn't be surprised." She slaps each side of my boob with enthusiasm, causing me to laugh in a knee-jerk reaction, yet returning to my serious state almost as soon as I start "Your way over thinking this Alex. Believe me."
"I don't know." I rub my arm in anxious wait "I like him, I really do. He's so dreamy and kind too. Like way more respectful then I would have ever imagined him to be based on his looks."
"Then why are you even considering it?"
"I don't want him just for sex." I whisper as if to assume someone else was listening onto the conversation from the corner of the room "I promised myself a long time ago that I was going to save myself for the right person. To make sure that the person I do give myself to is someone I really love and care about. Someone who really loves and cares for me as much as I do them. I'm not about the one and done thing. Especially with someone in my class."
"That's some holy mary shit right there." Haley laughs "Most girls nowadays hop on more guys before they turn my age then Jim Jackson was traded in his NBA career." I squint in confusion of the reference. "Basketball player?" Haley clarifies for me "Mike talks about him all the time for some reason."
I nod in approval, finding Haley's complete disregard for my concern to be more concerning then not. While I am not expecting her to pour her heart out to me about this I would have liked for her to at least see where I am coming from. It's already hard enough for me to sit here and talk with her about such a personal thing and to be mocked by it does not settle well for me. I give her a look of disapproval, seeming to hit harder then I expected as she leans forward towards me, her eyes going puppy dog as always when she wants forgiveness from someone.
"Maybe not the best reference I could have used." Her tone turning somber and dejected "A lot of girls make comments like that. The whole save themselves thing and what not. Rarely do they stick to it though? I know with Robbie it was hard for you to make that choice, and I respect you more then you'd know for doing it then I'd ever lead on."
"I appreciate that."
"When I was your age the last thing I was worried about was saving myself. I was known as this party animal who was like so out there and fun to be around. When I met Dylan it took me like a week before I gave myself to him. I just got caught up in the lust of it all and convinced myself that he was the one." She scoffs under her breath "We had a good run but things just didn't turn out the way I thought they would with him."
"I'm sorry." We make eye contact for a brief second before Haley continues on.
"I think every girl wants to save themselves for the perfect guy." Haley holds her head in somber approach "If you walk through life scared to interact with every guy you meet because your worried the only thing they want from you is sex then your going to miss out on a lot of great times. It doesn't mean you have to be a slut, but it does mean you have to carry an open mind. I can't tell you when to finally give yourself to someone, but I can tell you to keep an open mind and at least start living your life a little." I nod, a slight smile coming over my face as Haley lays down on the couch.
"You think I should message him then?"
"I think you should do what makes you the most comfortable." Haley curls up on her side "There are always boundaries you can set with him. Even now. No guy likes a girl who will do anything right out the gate. If I had to guess he'll respect you more for the wait then if you desperately throw yourself at him."
Closing her eyes, Haley leaves the room silent enough for me to hear my own breath. There are the occasional laughs and shouts from downstairs, to which I push out of my head in laying out my homework and getting started. I tell myself to do an hours worth of work and then decide on what I'm going to do. It's still pretty early in the day, and I would hate to tell him he can come over when I know he can't.
After an hour of work for every class but my two new ones, I quietly leave Haley still asleep on my bed and head downstairs to greet my parents. Luke has departed now, probably off to hang out with friends or in his room pretending to do homework. My mom is sitting on the couch watching some pointless mid-late afternoon show before dinner, and dad is at the table typing away on his computer. I go to the fridge and grab a water, the sound of the broken suction on the fridge breaking my dad's attention from the laptop and bringing it right to me.
"Hey, honey." He gives me a warm smile "How was school."
"It was good. Lot of homework today."
"How were your new classes?" He asks turning his attention completely my way.
"They were good." I smile "Got some catch up to do but I'll survive."
"Well, you let us know if you need anything." My dad smiles "It'll be a quiet night here."
I feel like my dad would be more likely to approve Vince coming over then my mom. I know both of them would probably say yes since I do not cause a lot of problems or really bother much of anyone for the most part on the count of school being so busy. I take a sip of water and lean on the counter. I think of how to ask, what I am going to say to every possible answer they will give me. Haley's talk with me sparked something inside me, whether it be fueled by the anger of her shrude response or motivation to live my life, over the last hour and a half or so of doing homework I am made up in my decision, that decision is to have him over here.
"I got a school project." I start out as my dad continues typing "I need to work on it with someone tonight."
"What time are they coming over?" My mom turns around to ask. I was more so asking dad but I guess she overheard me and responded first. I can't lie and tell her its some girl, that would be wrong. At the same time though I don't want to tell her to find out at the moment and humiliate me. I have to come clean.
"I'm not sure. I haven't let him know yet."
"Well let us know beforehand so we can set a spot at the table if they'll be joining us for dinner." My mom continues to watch the pointless commercials on the television "He has to leave by nine through."
"Okay." I back away with a smile, overjoyed that I was actually treated like an adult and not pressed on it so much that it ruins my desire to even hang out with him anymore. Grabbing my water I head back upstairs and shoot Vince a message right away. I tell him he can come over in thirty minutes, to which he hits me back within ten minutes with a shot of approval followed by an ask for my address. I can't believe its actually happening. I need to get ready.
Vince is set to arrive around five in the evening, a good hour before dinner is ready. I know the chances of him staying that long are pretty high, so I let him know ahead of time that my mom would want him to stay for dinner. Its kind of awkward having the guy of my dreams over for dinner the first time we spend alone time together, but then again we aren't dating yet, so it won't be as awkward as I think it will be. In fact, if anything now, I worry that maybe Vince doesn't even want me. For he could be using me to get what he wants
Maybe in a sexual way, maybe int he way that he thinks I'll do all the work. It's not too hard for people to know who I am given I've been bullied for years on the count that my intelligence is much greater than almost every other kid around me. It happened in middle school and almost every year after that. Even though I've never seen him before, I have to assume that he knows I'm very smart, and he may be using that to his advantage to advance his own agenda in some way. I don't really know why my thought immediately goes to the worst case every time, but in the past, its helped me so I really don't see any way that I should or would make a stop of it.
About ten minutes before he gets here I stop doing homework and get ready. Haley is still sleeping, but she so knocked out I am not worried about her waking up from my searches through the closet. I like the pants I have on, but I need to change this shirt. I don't smell bad, but its just a bad look to have on the same clothes I had in school on at my house some two hours later. I want to look presentable, but not to hot as if to try way to hard. I throw on one of my long sleeve shirts, a green base with grey sleeves. That one should work fine for me. I try to clean up my room as best I can, moving a lot of my clothes and putting them away in the closet, where pretty much any item of clutter goes by this point. In terms of things I own very few items, but clothes are a different story. All the days I spent shopping with Haley I have more clothes and I would like to admit, a lot of them worn only once or twice by now.
I get a message amidst my cleaning. He tells me he is heading over now. Should be about ten minutes or so. I wake up Haley, not really thinking about what to say or do when she does wake up but needing my space and time to collect myself before he arrives. By now I've drunk three bottles of water and have organized my room more in ten minutes then I've done in nearly three years of living in the room. I give Haley a second to pull herself up before I address her, her face looking a lot more rested now then it was when I first came home from school.
"Vince is coming over." I give her a smile as she looks at the clock "I need the room."
"Say no more." Haley holds her hands up as she drags herself from the bed, stretching out like a cat as she examines the cleanliness of the dwelling "Really went all out in here."
"Don't want to embarrass me by having a mess in here." I toss a couple things away before heading over to the dresser, making sure that no clothes are sticking out from the tops of the tightly packed drawers.
"Can't believe you were able to convince mom to have him in your room." I stop and look at her "I had to sneak Dylan up for years before she actually gave me her blessing." My face goes pale "Must be a younger sibling thing."
"She didn't really give me permission. I kind of just told her I was going to do it and she didn't protest."
"Be wary of it." Haley walks to the door "If she asks while I'm here I'll cover for you. Put in a good word to ease her mind a soul about the horrible things she'll think you're doing up here."
"Thanks?" I applaud in confusion. I wouldn't have thought mom would have a big deal with it after she approved of it. Of course she was watching TV and probably wasn't paying her full attention to what I was saying but even so, I have proved myself to her and dad that I can be trustworthy. Now with Haley on my side, I find it hard to believe that she would protest it while he was here. That would humiliate me more than anything in the world. While the through sits in the back of my mind, I don't bother to worry myself over it. As Haley leaves I finish cleaning until I hear the ping of my phone. He is here, my heart starts pumping fast as I collect myself and head downstairs.
At the front door, I hold my breath and open it. Standing in the doorway with a wide smile across his face is Vince. I notice he is wearing the same clothes from school. A pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He has his backpack slung over both shoulders ready as if he is ready to work. A mix of nerdy and hot all mixed into one. My palms get sweaty as I give him a smile, I'm not sure if I should hug him, kiss him, shake his hand or what? My mind is racing a million miles a minute, the constant fear of messing up pressing hard against my greater judgment.
"Hey." I move aside for him to step in, a breeze of his cologne hitting my nose "What's up?"
"Not much." Vince steps into the house and off to the side "Been hanging out with some friends. Got a little bit of homework done." A silence falls between us "How about you?"
"I usually do homework when I get back." I realize my comment sounds snarky "More so today though, given my new enrollment in classes i'm kind of playing catch up now."
"I hope I'm not bothering you then." The man gives me a worried smile.
"Oh no!" I shake my head "It's not all due in one day so I'm kind of picking and choosing what I do and don't do based on the level of difficulty and how soon it's assigned." We stand apart by two or so feet. I try to keep my eyes from wandering up and down his body through its proven to be far more difficult then I would expect given his ridiculously sexy demeanor and macho pose up against the wall "I have all the stuff upstairs if you want to go up there."
"I have no objections." I laugh at his weird comment as we head up the stairs and to my room. Looking back at his eyes wandering up and down the stairwell of pictures and drawings from when Haley, Luke and I were young kids. His face almost seeming to be shocked if anything "You have a beautiful home." He comments when we reach the top of the stairs "I like the walk of family you have going on there."
"It was my mom's idea." I lead him to my bedroom "Probably saw it on a home show or something."
"This may be weird." He pauses at a picture of my dad and Haley posted some three feet from my room "But I think your dad sold my parents our house last year." I can see him try to make out the face as best he can, leaning back and forth to variate his vision of it before I step in with a smile.
"He is a real estate salesman." I blush with embarrassment "He sells around here a lot."
"I hope it's not weird." I shake my head quickly "I just remember seeing him one day after school talking with my dad or something. Pretty funny guy if you ask me."
Is it weird now that he seems to be more interested in my dad then me? Absolutely. I wish Haley were here right now to guide me. An invisible version her kind of sitting behind me telling me what to say and do cause I am starting to realize that I have no idea what is going on here anymore. My mind is racing, my heart is pounding, and I'm beginning to wonder if his intention of coming here is even sex or homework related. I guess I'm just not that used to guys taking an interest in me or my family. The only thing I know is the hustle and bustle of Robbie constantly wanting to see me and trying to get me to do things I don't want to do.
Once in my room, I close the door and watch as he takes in the scene some more. It's almost hard for me to believe that this is actually happening right now. How he is here with me inside my bedroom walking around the open floor space and taking in all that is there. I am glad I cleaned the room up now, as I can see him looking across the walls at all my awards and photos of the last four or so years. There had been such a drastic change in me that I find it hard to believe he would actually show some kind of interest in me. Most people look at me from when I was younger, even a couple years ago I would have been ashamed to have shown myself to someone like him. How he's found who I am, and I brace myself for some sideways comment or sexual remark about it.
"You win all these awards?" He asks me curious like as if to not believe it.
"Over like six years or so." I sit on the bed "Most of them are achievement ones for the band but some of them are honors society and for outstanding AP club leadership." I try to be bashful but don't play it off well.
"Would have never guessed." Vince continues to peer around at the various plaques and picture frames "Not really one to wear your accolades if you know what I'm saying."
"I do." I sit up tense like on the bed "I never have to begin with."
Taking a seat in my desk chair Vince slugs off his backpack and places it beside him. By now he has stopped looking at the awards and has moved over to the homework on my desk. I worry as he stares at them for a long while, but I do not say a word. I sit and watch as he flips through them uncaring of my privacy, for when he is done he turns around and smiles at me, pointing ever so slightly towards the top paper.
"I would hold onto this." He pulls it out from the bottom of the pile "It's important."
I cock my head in confusion as the man tries to hand me the paper. I am at a loss for words. This has turned out to be a lot more awkward then I would have expected. There is something off about the man, but I cannot seem to find out what it is. He has this weird way of going about things that makes me wonder if he is all there. The long stares at my awards to the comments about my father and now this? Maybe I got myself in a little over my head with this. I lean back on the bed to distance myself a little bit as he pulls out his laptop and starts typing.
"Is our report still going to be done on the Japanese Imperial Army?" I asked pulling out a notebook from under my bed and beginning to take down some notes as well.
"Yes, ma'am." He smiles at me "The paper, I just handed you." I flip it over and begin to skim it "That paper is like an entire history of the Imperial army. How it was built, its design and tactics. Militarily and socially as well as independently in relation to its allies and it's early fights with China and the Asian Pacific." I crack a smile in loving the way he talks about history "If your able to look at their early industrialization you can see how their military benefited from it greatly. It was what really pushed them to the forefront of power in their region."
"Seems like you have this all figured out." I continue to take notes as Vince looks up to me.
"Oh, I'm flattered." He shakes his head "Only in The Second-Sino Japanese War period I'd say. Of course, I'm somewhat read on their earlier history but I really have a lot more work to do before that comes."
"I just mean you're a lot smarter then I thought." He looks up to me with a confused look "Not that I didn't think you were smart, I just haven't met you before and just, uh- based on the way you carry yourself I would have thought your interests would be elsewhere." My face turns bright red as Vince raises his left eyebrow trying to find some sort of solution to my answer, for I can tell his brain is working hard at it.
"You wouldn't be the first person to tell me that." He leans back in the chair "Most people assume I play sports or do some kind of excessive gym work out every day." I listen intently as if I were learning in class "Hell, I could barely pass the pacer test last year let alone play a full game of high school football." He laughs to himself "My interest is in learning. Knowledge will carry you much further than looks or style these days."
"That's what I've been saying." I lean forward with to him "I didn't mean anything bad by it."
"No, I know." The man closes his laptop and pulls out a notebook "Can't blame people for things they don't know." We sit there looking at each other, serious at first yet a warm smile cracking across our faces with the passing of time. That of which is broken by his handed of a notebook to me "These are just a couple pages of notes I took on the subject of our project. I was thinking I could focus on the Later Showa period while you worked on their war in the Pacific." I nod taking notes "I know it's not really necessary to draw back that far into their history but I think it will help put the puzzle pieces together just a little better if we do."
"I think that should work." I smile taking my last notes as Vince closes his notebook and laptop, putting both of them away before standing up and slinging his backpack over his shoulder "I know you said something about dinner but I have to go home." He has a genuinely sad look on his face "My mother needs me for something."
"It's okay." I smile standing up "I appreciate you coming out here at all. I'll get started on the project tonight. We can reconvene sometime in the next couple of days to go over some things."
"Yeah, that would be great." Does he smile giving a deep exhale "How about some time earlier next week? Give us a good chunk of days to get things done then we can meet up and put together the presentation for the following week."
"You live close to here?" I hand him his sweatshirt trying to prolong his stay here by just a little.
"Couple miles east of the school actually. This new housing development that was just built on Whitney."
"Those are big houses." I comment on opening the door for him "What does your dad do?"
"Finance." Vince replies as we walk into the hallway "He's partner at a firm out here. I don't really know what he does so to say but he makes enough money to support my mother and me."
"Just the three of you?" We start heading down the stairs.
"Yeah." He sighs "My sister passed away when I was twelve." My heart drops into my stomach "Really took a number us. Five years later we still don't go to checkers. Last place we all ate together."
"I'm so sorry." I mutter out as we reach the bottom of the stairs "I had no idea."
"Wouldnt expect you to." The two of us stand by the front door "Happened years ago now. Can't keep living out that last day with her anymore. It's why we moved here this summer. Took us a while but we finally did."
A long silence fills the air. I can hear my mother cooking in the kitchen and my dad continuing to annoy her with his stupid questions and silly antics. It makes this situation a whole lot worse then it is. How was I supposed to know his sister passed away? Had I known I would have never brought it up. Now things between us are weird, and I will have to live with this fact for some time now. Really wasn't a good way to end things but before I can protest or offer him something he nods his head and is out the door. Leaving me alone, standing there, wishing I could redo those two last two minutes just once. Maybe not have his last memory of me tonight be a horrific thing that happened