Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games.
Peeta's POV
It was in a moment of weakness for the both of us the night we conceived our baby.
Katniss, Haymitch, and I had just endured a rigorous day of our career-intensive training. We didn't finish until it was nearing nightfall. She and I had to drag Haymitch back to his house because he was practically unconscious. It may have not been so difficult if Katniss and I weren't absolutely drained after a day of working our muscles. Because carrying a limp Haymitch with added muscle weight was a bigger challenge at the end of a day's work than the actual training.
After I put him in a bath, turned on his shower for him, and made sure he woke up enough to where my fear of him drowning wasn't so severe, I came downstairs to find Katniss hadn't gone back to her house yet. Instead, she had a bottle of liquor in her hands.
"Katniss, what are you doing with that?" I asked, anger rising within me as I walked over to her and easily got it out of her hands.
She rolled her eyes. "Relax, it's empty. I was just marveling at the fact that you were cruel enough to leave an empty bottle for him to lament to."
"I only meant it as a little motivation," I say sheepishly, a smile easily replacing my frown. "After you two come back home, he can drink all he wants."
Katniss pauses, not saying anything for some time. And then, of all the ways Katniss could have reacted to those words, she slaps me. Afterwards, when she grips the collar of my shirt, I freeze. "Don't you ever say that again."
"Katn—"
"No," she repeats. "I won't allow it."
In all of our time acquainted, I had never seen Katniss like this. The mix of determination and fear in her eyes was something I hadn't seen since the Games, and it caused my heart to race in fear of my own. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
The intensity in her eyes falters at the sound of my raspy voice and I see the hardness in her eyes begin to melt. Her hands fall from the collar of my shirt to the tops of my shoulders. "I won't."
Hearing the tentative tone of her voice makes my fear all but disappear. Now I'm worried. "What's wrong?"
Katniss' eyes fall to the ground. "Don't talk like that."
"Okay, I won't." I concede. "Now look at me, please."
The silver eyes that meet me fail to hold the fire they usually do. I can't help it when my hand reaches up to cup her cheek. And I'm surprised when she instantly pushes her fleshy skin against my hand.
"I am sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I know how hard it's been since the announcement." Panic rises within me again when I see her eyes begin to glisten. "I didn't think that comment would hurt you."
Her delicate features scrunch up slightly and she shakes her head. "What do you mean? Don't you see how messed up this is going to be? If you or I or Haymitch don't come back out, there's only going to be one of us left. One of us to hold that guilt. One of us to continue to live in this District alone without anyone being able to understand the nightmares as we watch everything around us continue to crumble? Everything concerning the Games hurts, Peeta."
"Katniss, you are going to come out," I say, feeling my features begin to harden. At this point I don't care. I just need her to understand. "I don't know why you are so bent on believing that you're going to die in there when you know that neither Haymitch or I would ever let that happen. We will never let anyone even come close to hurting you. You mean so much. So much more than Haymitch and I, at the least. Not just with the rebellion, but you are the only one who has a family they need to go back to. We are going to do everything in our power to ensure that you come back out of that arena. You don't owe me your life. Over that bread or the Games, or whatever you believe you owe your life to me for. I can assure you that you've done more than enough to repay me if that's what you're looking for. You have nothing to be afraid of."
Instead of the relief I expect to see grace her features, I watch as tears begin to fall from her eyes and she shakes her head more intently in frustration. "Peeta, you don't get it. I'm not afraid of dying in the arena. I don't doubt that you idiots would risk your lives to save me. It's not that you owe me. It's not me."
I'm confused. I was sure that she feared that she still owed me her life. "I don't understand."
Her small fingers tighten their grip on me shoulders and she squeezes her eyes tightly together. "It's not me because it's you."
"Katniss, I've already explained that you don't owe me—"
My heated words are stopped as Katniss reaches up and presses her lips hard on my own. Everything in my body ceases to exist except for my lips. This kiss isn't followed by any soft, languid movements. It's entirely new from any other kiss we've shared before. This kiss is filled with determination, need. Not of the hunger I've wished our needy kisses be driven by, but of something else. Something I can't pinpoint.
I'm the one who pulls away. Our eyes meet again and I see that hers are filled with a plea. I shake my head. "Katniss?"
"You can't come into my life and change it and then die and expect me to live with it!" she says, her voice loud and forceful. "You can't and I won't."
But her words only confuse me more. "Katniss, you can do it. Your life can go on. You have Prim. Your mother. Gale. Even Haymitch, because if we're being honest neither of us wants him to go back in the arena."
I watch as she tries to suppress the tendrils of fear that arise in her eyes. "That won't be enough."
The pounding of my heart and the potential meaning of her words is so strong that I can hear the blood rush in my ears. My grip unknowingly tightens slightly on her now-moist cheek. "It has to be."
"But it won't," she says, her voice dejected.
And although I fear that her answer could break the final pieces of my heart, I ask her anyway. "Why?"
Katniss looks as if, though she expected it, she had wanted me to ask anything but that. "I can't."
Seeing the pain in her face makes my heart break in an entirely different way than I thought possible. She said that she can't. She can't. . . live without me? The thought of there being a chance that Katniss even slightly loves me in the way I love her makes my heart ache more than when I discovered her and Haymitch's ploy in our Games. Then, I couldn't have her by her own choice. To think that I can't have her because of the Capitol, whose been so bent on displaying a faux romance to the world, is the most painfully ironic thing. In spite of there being a high possibility that I will be rejected now, I slowly lower my face to hers, giving her ample time to pull away. I am more than surprised when my lips are allowed to make contact with her own once again.
When Katniss kissed me earlier, it could have been in a moment of weakness. She could've been carried away by her emotions. A second kiss would not happen if she wouldn't want it to. I need this kiss. Katniss may not be able to use her words, but I can read her body language easily. I hope to find an answer in her lips. A hint of what she truly means. My thoughts muddle when she takes her hands off of my shoulder and I feel them creep up and wrap around my neck. I drop the bottle and instead focus my hands on supporting her back.
Despite the slight feelings of alarm in the back of my head telling me that I'm only hurting myself more in the end, I allow Katniss to deepen our kiss. This time her determination isn't something blind. The movement of her lips and subsequently her tongue tell me that she's well aware of what she's doing. I try to fight my thoughts but there has only been one other time when our kiss has become so needy. Full of purely her. Then, in the cave, we were also faced with impending tragedy. But we were both well aware of what we were doing.
Neither of us realize that we've moved until she's pressed against one of the walls in Haymitch's kitchen. Both of us separate at the sensation of her body hitting the wall and we look at each other in a way we've never looked at each other before. Her eyes are wild and desperate and hungry. It leaves me breathless. Never would I have imagined Katniss looking at anyone that way, much less me.
"We have to go," she whispers.
My heart falls and I drop my hands from her back. It had to end. Of course it did. Katniss and I are going into the arena together in a few short months. Now is the worst time to tempt our feelings when we know a future together is futile. "Yeah." I try to take a few steps back but her hands hold onto my neck.
"Together."
She drops her hands now and grabs one of my hands tightly in hers. I try to catch her eyes to understand but she only drags me out of our old mentor's home. It's only when she doesn't let go and begins a steely trek in the direction next door that I understand what she means by together.
Katniss opens my door and swiftly pulls me inside, shutting the door with her foot. I fall against the door and try to steady my breathing as I watch her hands fall on my face. "Katniss, I know that you care. You and I, we protect each other. I know that." It's the only thing I can think of to try and reassure her that she doesn't need to do this to prove to me that she cares for me.
"I know you do," she says. Her silence that follows making me believe that she's finally realized the absurdity of what we're doing. Instead, her words that follow catch me off-guard. "I wish that we could live in a world where your child could be safe."
She seems so sure of her words that I don't know what to make of her statement. My child? A child could never be safe in this world, not unless they live in the Capitol. But all the same her mention of a child of mine and her wishing its safety grabs at my heart just enough to make me entirely hers in this moment. This time when she leans in, I don't hesitate to meet her lips.
Our kiss starts slow. It could be any of our other sweet kisses that we've shared in front of the cameras. Any other kiss that could be replayed on television screens across the nation for commentators to gush about. But there are no cameras here. This thought helps me completely submit myself into the kiss, with no hint of reservation left to hold me back from putting my everything into it. Katniss feels it too. We have never kissed without the presence of cameras since we came back to Twelve after our victory. This kiss was entirely new in its own way.
Again, Katniss is the one who adds more depth to our kiss. When our tongues meet again I almost sigh into her mouth. It had been so long since we had been so close. Come to think of it, it has been long since we've even taken the time to just be in each other's company to do something besides train or soothe our aching muscles together. It pains me when I realize that that was my fault for wanting to distance myself from Katniss and Haymitch before my inevitable death in the Quarter Quell. This encourages me to put even more into the kiss. It's my fault we've become so distanced. It's my fault.
As our kiss becomes more heated and demanding, I become more aware of how dangerous this could be. Katniss could hate me after this, despise me for allowing it to happen and not stopping her when it could've been a vulnerability that is causing her to be so desperate for intimacy. Against everything my body wants, I pull away once more. "Katniss, are you sure you want to continue?"
"Peeta," she breathes, trying to hold herself back from gasping breaths. "Kiss me."
I don't argue any further. Neither of us hesitates to continue. This time, there is no build up to those kisses that cause us to go breathless and forget the world around us. Immediately our mouths go back to exploring one another. Usually we settle for little pecks or a few lingering kisses to appease the crowds. Rare is it that we ever go as far as to become familiar with each other's mouths. Despite the numerous times we've kissed one another on-screen, Katniss is still so pure. This is a side of her I never expected to see.
My mouth follows hers when she pulls away. We're both breathless and the way she clings her arms around my neck has me feeling a way she's only ever let me get a small taste of in the cave during our first Games. Katniss places a soft kiss on my lips before she speaks once again. "I'm a little tired of standing."
I meet her playful eyes and it doesn't even take a second of thought before I grab her at the waist and lift her up. She's as light as she was when I carried her up her own stairs the night we all thought she was finally caught spending time in the woods. A gasp escapes her but it's quickly replaced by laughter. I've missed the playful side of her. Katniss holds on tightly as I take us up to my room, a place Katniss has never been before. I watch as she looks around and takes everything in, her eyes tracing every piece of my room.
"You just leave your window open all day?" she asks, her eyes looking quizzically at my slightly open windows. Her eyes find their way back to mine and they have an amused expression within them. This makes me smile.
"I don't bother closing them. I always sleep with my windows open." I answer. Now that the mood has lightened I'm sure that our stolen moments are over. I try to place her down but she places a hand on my chest to stop me. "What, do you want me to carry you home?"
Her smile is barely visible on her lips but I still manage to catch it as her fingertips curl in my chest and her eyes find my lips once again. "I don't think I'm ready to go home yet," she whispers.
My breath catches in my throat at her words. I'm not given a chance to find my words before she captures my lips yet again. All I can do is grab tightly onto her, afraid that my disbelief might cause her to slip from my grasp. Of all the times I've wished for her to want me I never thought it would one day become true. Un-coerced and unprovoked. Just Katniss choosing me.
As I feel her hands slip into my hair it's hard for me to keep a clear head or even remain on my feet. I'm so dazed I fear that my legs are going to give out beneath me. Hesitantly, I set her down on my bed. I don't expect her to pull me down on the bed. I place my hands on either side of her and I as I feel her needy kisses continue, I decide to break away one final time. Having Katniss laid down beneath me on my bed with her kissing me so passionately and carelessly, I'm afraid that we will manage to get carried away. "Do you want to stop?" I ask softly, hovering my head just above her own.
Katniss rests a hand on my cheek and lightly caresses my bottom lip with her thumb. Her panting breaths fan across my face and I'm sure that her face is met with my own short exhalations. I watch as a smile blooms across her face at the same realization, her thumb feeling the intensity of my escaping breaths. Her silver gray eyes are alive and hold such an intensity that I nearly halt my breathing. This only makes her smile wider. "No."
It was only one time. A single night in which Katniss and I allowed ourselves a night of freedom. Where we didn't think of The Hunger Games or the Quell or the severity of our actions or the mere repercussions that could ensue.
I would be lying if I said that I would have gone about that night a more sensible, responsible way if I'd have known that it would result in a child. Hearing her beg to take it further and simply sigh my name in all kinds of pleasure easily made that night the best of my life. To see her allow herself to be so vulnerable with me had never made me feel more alive. I let her have all the control that night, never doing anything until I got her encouragement.
After, as the gentle breeze made the skin on her exposed arm prickle with goosebumps as I tried to warm her up by rubbing it softly, I looked over at the clock and asked her if she wanted me to take her home. It was about ten o'clock at night and she could still get herself home without suspicion under a guise that she was busy with an errand.
"I'm not going home tonight," she'd whispered to me. "I'm staying right here with you. This night is ours."
I had thought that she couldn't surprise me more that night. But there she was. Instead of running away and closing herself off to me, she was choosing to stay. "Ours."
She nodded and pulled herself closer to me. I hugged her tightly to me, afraid that she was going to change her mind.
"Always."
It was in mid-spring before the Reaping, when the days were filled with gloomy skies and rainy days. A month before her seventeenth birthday and a month after my own. The following morning she gave me a quick kiss before slipping off to return home. Katniss and I had been clumsy and shy around each other for a week or two following the night, but we hadn't mentioned it again. She'd sneak into my bed so I could help ward off nightmares every once in a while after that, but mostly she followed my previous agenda and tried to distance herself from me before the Quell. We focused on training and didn't hold back. It wasn't until we were nearing the Reaping in late July when Katniss' mother sent Katniss upstairs to bed following a dinner together after training that Mrs. Everdeen caught me alone.
She sat me down on their sofa and grabbed one of my hands in both of her thin and frail ones. I looked to her concerned, afraid that something was wrong with Katniss. She sighed and began by asking me to be completely honest with her. I nodded without hesitation. "Katniss let it slip that she hasn't been met with her monthly in a few months."
I had dumbly not caught on and asked her if that meant there was something wrong with her.
"Not exactly," she had said in response. "But it did bring me back to a night that Katniss didn't return home a few months ago, and then she refused to tell me where she had been. I let it slip from my mind but thought it almost too coincidental."
My mouth became dry at her words. Did she know that Katniss had spent the night with me, and not just to hold her in my arms to prevent nightmares? "Oh?"
Her hand squeezes mine and she lets out a tired breath. "Was she with you that night?"
Though I feel a strong need to protect both myself and Katniss by lying, I opt to tell her the truth. Even though it is definitely not what she wants to hear. "Yes."
"That-that wasn't like any of the other nights she has felt the need to seek your comfort in the night. Only after the nightmares." she begins. "That night was different, wasn't it?"
She knew the answer before I opened my mouth. "It was."
"And you both did not think to use any. . . precautions?" she asks, though the look in her eyes told me that again, she already knew.
"No, it was unplanned," I told her.
Mrs. Everdeen nodded, her eyes a bit clouded. "Has it only happened once?"
I only nodded in response.
"I had noticed some symptoms but I didn't think anything of it until she mentioned that," her voice was so quiet that I almost couldn't hear her. "But now I have no doubt."
My stomach twisted at her words. Don't say it, I thought. Feeling that if she did not voice my fear, it would not be a reality.
"Katniss is pregnant."
My lungs were barely willing to contract to accept the air I was trying to breathe in. "Don't you think she'd be showing if she was pregnant? We still don't know for sure—"
"When I was pregnant with Prim, my belly didn't begin to swell until I was more than halfway through my pregnancy. Even then, I didn't get very big. It was only slightly better with Katniss. I began to show after three months and my belly wasn't terribly bigger than it was when I was pregnant with Prim." she said. "Katniss has always been small and her body is so used to being thin. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't become overly huge."
It took over a week for my shock to dissipate. Mrs. Everdeen decided not to break the news to her in fear that the stress would cause her to lose the baby, and she didn't want that to have to happen unless it was because Katniss wasn't coming home from the Games. I assured her that I would protect Katniss in the Games so she could come back with my child.
But the secret was too tempting to use as leverage as to why Katniss had to live over me. After we arrived in the Capitol following the Reaping, I spoke to Cinna privately before he saw Katniss and explained to him what I knew so he could make the necessary adjustments to her clothes, and to help protect the secret from the prying eyes of the Capitol. Katniss' belly simply looked bloated and as if she had just gained weight altogether because her body seemed to grow with her belly. When I lied to Caesar the night of the interviews, Katniss was silent as we made our way back to our suite.
I knew that Katniss had been thinking of my announcement. While it was not true that we were married, the mention of a baby had gotten Katniss thinking. I could read her like a book. I knew that she was connecting all of the dots and realizing that my lie could be true. She was tucked into my side in bed that night when she suddenly got up and ran to to bathroom to empty the contents of her stomach. Dutifully, I was right by her side until she was done and slumped tiredly against the wall.
"Peeta?" her small voice had traveled to my ears. There was an unmistakable look of fear and worry in her eyes.
"Yes, Katniss?" I had asked.
She couldn't look at me. Katniss had only vomited a handful of times before then throughout her first few months of pregnancy, but surely her rampant thoughts caused her stomach to revolt on that particular night. "Do you think that I could actually be pregnant?"
Seeing the tears in her scared gray eyes finally broke me. "Katniss. . . you are pregnant. Haven't you recognized the symptoms?"
"I—" she tried, but her voice was cut off by her quiet sobs. "I just thought it was the training."
My eyes soften. Of course Katniss would have mistaken the weight gain and nausea and tiredness for symptoms caused by our intense training. That is exactly the way I felt. We had gained muscle and were left exhausted and nauseous from the sessions. It was exactly how she had been feeling for weeks before our encounter. "It'll be okay. I'll protect you in the arena until you're out. My child will be safe."
Katniss had frozen at my words. They came back to haunt her. Now she was going to be forced to keep my child safe. "That's not fair."
"Let's go to bed. We need to be well-rested for the Games."
With those words, I dragged a disbelieving Katniss to bed and held her throughout the rest of my sleepless night. Katniss had not wanted to fall asleep, but with the baby she couldn't fight her fatigue for long. On the beach with the locket, I knew that she was ready to fight for my survival. I had to remind her that she had the baby to look after now, and that even if I wasn't with her she would still have her mother, Prim, and Gale when she got out of the arena.
Instead she found herself alone in the Capitol.
Bursting into the hospital, I look around frantically trying to take in the scene that meets me. There are medics running about in various directions, calling out orders, tending to the injured.
"Finnick!"
My eyes take me to my left, where I see a young woman push away from those tending to her and run straight towards me. It isn't until I see her veer to my right and jump into Finnick's arms that I finally piece together that the woman is Annie Cresta.
They're a flurry of laughter, cries, and affection. My heart yearns for Katniss. Katniss!
I snap my head back up and focus on faces. When my eyes meet the form of my old mentor, I choke on a sob. "Haymitch!"
His head snaps up, searching for me in the madness. By the time our eyes meet, I'm already making my way over to him. I am at his side in seconds.
"My boy," he reaches out to me in an uncharacteristic display of affection.
Without hesitation, I wrap my arms around him and try to hold back my cries. "Thank you."
He pulls back, shaking his head. "I did this for you, for the baby. I'll be fine, now go find your girl. She's over there."
Nodding, I hug him tightly one more time before following the path his finger leads. "Thank you."
I rush over to the closed off door where many people are flying in and out every few seconds. Wiping my tears, I will myself to be strong. Katniss needs me right now. I can't be broken, not when she so desperately needs to be fixed.
Finally finding the courage, I make my way through the door. No one stops me.
The medics are relaying information to each other as they work on her. She's laying down, her eyes hazy and frantic as she tries to take in the movement around her.
"Katniss?"
At the sound of her name, her eyes snap up and find me instantly. I'm in no way prepared to hear her scream in absolute fear.
The medics are immediately at her side and inspecting her and her vitals that are feeding information to them through a small screen. I feel helpless. What was wrong? And why had it begun after she saw me? Did she need me? "Katniss?"
She only begins to scream louder at the sound of my name and she squeezes her eyes tightly before screaming obscenities. "Sir, we are going to need you to exit the room until we can figure out why she is in such distress. It's not good for the baby and the sooner we can get her to stop, the sooner we can check on the baby and ensure that everything is okay."
I try to argue, but Boggs is suddenly at my side. "Thank you, ma'am." I look at him as if he's absurd but he only begins to pull me out of the room.
"Don't you think she needs me more now than ever? I'm—"
Boggs holds a hand up and points at the door. "Don't you hear what she's screaming?"
I pause, tuning my ears in to try and hear the strains of her cries. Only she's no longer screaming now that I'm out of the room, but trying to calm down as she's being instructed to. I catch a few words, but they're enough to make my heart sink. Peeta. Scared. Away. Now. Help.
Desperately, I look to him for answers and see that he looks as disheartened as I feel. "Before we rescued her, she caught sight of a blonde tuft of hair peeking out of one our soldier's helmets and she began screaming about you needing to get away from her and begging you not to kill the baby. She didn't stop until he removed his helmet to show that he was not you."
"What?"
A/N ~ Well, well, well. I bet some of you had forgotten about this story. Boom. It's back in your head. Just as I am back and ready to finish this story for you guys. You deserve it. This story was by far my most popular and for that reason, I could never have forgotten about it. It lost its spark (p.s. go check out my other story that's updated about twice a week, The Spark) because not only did my lovely computer break, but I lost a lot of my written content and aside from that crushing my soul, when I got a new computer, I sat down and simply did not know what I wanted anymore. One fateful night I sat down and read what I'd posted and found myself in awe at how much I wanted to read more. And it's my own story! I mean, I already know what is going to become of it but I wanted to read every single detail of how it is going to reach its end. Just like any other reader. So over the span of a few weeks and a lot of indecisiveness, I was able to finish this just as I wanted it to be. Now I'm bringing it out for you all today. I can't wait for you guys to finish this journey with me. I hope that in the end it was worth the wait. This is the end of my "pre-author's note" I guess you could call it. Now onto the real one.
A moment of weakness was all it took. In which Katniss realizes before she's on the beach in the Quell that she will be damaged beyond repair if Peeta dies. The last thing they surely thought would happen was the creation of Peeta's child, but alas we know where our story is at now. Katniss got to quench that hunger that preceded her realization. They both knew that their feelings were there and real. But so was the possibility of both of their deaths. So as they felt that temptation, they allowed themselves to be taken away with it. Together. And now we will see just how rough the road to recovery will be for both Peeta and Katniss. I plan to update this story every two weeks. Until next time, please take a moment to check out my beloved work in progress, The Spark. I just updated it along with this one. Oh, and don't forget to follow and review. (:
With love as always, Daisy