Miserable At Best: Chapter 4

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good"

~Heart of Life by John Mayer

The next few days passed quickly, full of unpacking and exploring, finding my way around, and enjoying the last few days of summer. By the time Monday rolled around I felt ready to conquer college. My first class, creative writing, was packed by the time I arrived. Just a few seats remained in the back and I hurriedly claimed one, unwillingly to be left standing in the back of the room. The teacher was a middle aged woman, vibrant and passionate about what she was doing. The lesson quickly flew by and before I knew it I was navigating my way towards the mess hall.

It wasn't as easy to find as the map made it look. I stood in the courtyard, twisting the map one way and then the other, trying to make sense of the mazes of streets that looped around the campus.

"Need any help with that?"

I glanced over my shoulder to find the guy I'd met the other day. Beside him stood a girl that looked as confused as I was at the moment.

"Actually, I'm trying to find the cafeteria. It's Lee, right? I think we met the other day."

He pointed at a building on the map. "We're here." His finger traced a path to the other side of map. "Cafeteria's over here. Why don't you walk with Erin and I? It's her first day too."

"Sure." I fell into step alongside them. We chatted as we walked. Erin was from Arizona, tanned to perfection and her hair as blonde as Hannah's. The resemblance between this girl and my best friend made me long for home, for the familiarity of it, for the sanctuary it offered. The more we spoke, the more I discovered we had in common. We liked the same books, the same music, and we discovered upon our arrival to the cafeteria, the same food.

The three of us ate together, before Lee dashed off, muttering something about a physics class. Erin and I laughed at his hurry.

"I hate science, math too for that matter."

"Me too. English is just so much easier. What's your next class?"

"American History. Yours?"

She grinned. "The same! This is going to sound really lame, but I'm glad we ran into each other. You're the first person I've really met out here, besides Lee of course."

I nodded. "It's hard being out here and not knowing anyone." Finished eating I started clearing my place. "Ready to tackle history?"

Erin laughed. "Sounds like a plan to me!"

I didn't make it home until nearly seven that night. After history, Erin and I had explored the campus, familiarizing ourselves with its layout and learning about each other in the process. It felt good to have a friend.

After changing into sweats and throwing my hair up into a ponytail, I set about making my dinner. I'd just set the noodles on to boil and finished chopping tomatoes when there was a knock at my door. Frowning, I dried my hands off and glanced through the peephole. It was Ezra and he looked terrible.

The happy bubble that had surrounded me all afternoon burst. I didn't feel like another emotional confrontation, not when my day had been so fantastic, but I couldn't leave him standing there, not when he looked as miserable as he did at the moment.

Swinging open the door, I let him in. "Ezra, what's wrong?"

He shook his head. "We need to talk." The way he said it, with such finality, left my stomach churning.

"Sure, we can talk. I'm making dinner, enhanced macaroni and cheese. You're welcome to stay if you like."

He relaxed for a moment and managed a small smile. "I'd like that." I headed back into the kitchen, with him following behind.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I swallowed thickly. I already knew the answer.

"Us."

"Ezra, there isn't an us. We've been through this. We're better off as friends."

"You don't mean that." He stared at me accusingly, daring me to disagree.

"You're engaged, and I'm-"

He cut me off. "Was. I was engaged."

I dropped the spoon I'd been stirring the noodles with the floor. The clatter of it echoed the staccato rhythm of my pulsing heart. He wasn't engaged anymore? I shifted uncertainly, hesitant to ask him if I'd heard him right. "You're not- but I thought, I mean you and she-"

My voice faltered and I turned to face him. "It's my entire fault. I'm so sorry, Ezra."

"I'm not. I was going to do it, end it, but she beat me to it. When I got home the other night her stuff was gone. It was like she'd never been there, except for a letter she left taped to the fridge."

"Why did she- you guys just seemed so happy that first day."

"Same reason I was going to end it. She said she didn't think things were going to work. That she loved me but we were too different. That when she'd gone back home she realized things-" He shook his head and trailed off.

I turned off the stove and moved the pot off the eye before moving to stand beside him. "I'm really sorry, Ezra." I placed my hand gently on his arm. "I really am."

His hand closed over mine and he drew them to his chest. "I'm not." The heat in his gaze sent a shiver down my spine, leaving an ache low in my belly. "At least not for the most part. I wish she'd done things differently, but I can't really change that."

I nodded and moved away to drain the pasta and mix in the sauce and tomatoes.

Half an hour later he and I sat on the couch, both of us trying and failing miserably to pay attention to the movie that was on. Finally, I gave up and muted it.

"Why did you come-to see me I mean?"

He turned towards me in confusion. "What?"

"Your fiancée left you and you came here? Why?"

Ezra sighed heavily and rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't know. It just- I felt like I needed to tell you."

"Oh."

"And I wanted to see- well I wanted to ask you if there was a chance for us? I know it seems too fast and I-"

"It is too fast, Ezra. You need to take some time for yourself. Christine may be gone, but you can't pretend that the two of you never happened."

"I know! It's just-I'm scared of losing you, alright? I'm scared that one day I'm going to come by and there's going to be someone else." He reached over and brushed my cheek with a light caress of his hand. "I've screwed things up once. I can't risk doing it again."

"Hey, now." I slid closer to him, running a hand through his hair before taking his hands within my own. I couldn't help but marvel at how perfectly his fingers interlocked with mind, our hands fitting together like puzzle pieces. "You're not going to lose me. I'll always be here and I'm not saying never, because there's nothing I'd like more than to give us a shot outside of the classroom."

He chuckled harshly and I smiled. "Just slow, alright?"

"Slow is good."

I brushed my lips across his knuckles before resettling back on my side of the couch. "Can we watch the movie now?"

"Sure. But first," his arm wrapped around my waist and tugged me close to his side, "I need to get comfortable."

I giggled as he readjusted the two of us so that I was leaning against his chest, wrapped snuggly in his arms. "

"There," he whispered, "perfect."

I rolled my eyes as I turned to volume back up. Relaxing further, I intertwined my fingers with his. His lips brushed my forehead in response.

"Ezra?"

"Hmm?" He lifted his chin from the top of my head to look down at me.

"How slow is slow?"

His answering laugh made everything worth it.