Chapter Four
I woke pretty rested in the morning, taking my time waking up. I thought the bed would be too overwhelming, but I loved it. There was so much room to stretch out. Rolling over onto my back with a yawn, I kicked the blanket off of me.
Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, the brightness of the room made me smile, surprisingly. Having been so tired when I went to bed the night before ensured I slept through the night, no matter where I was.
Then I remembered.
Smiling wider, I hopped out of bed, and scurried downstairs, spotting what I was looking for as I jumped off the bottom step. Taking an almost flying leap over the back of the chair, I landed half sideways across Emmett's lap before I could stop and wonder if he'd mind. He didn't seem to mind as he laughed, tickling me a little.
"Hi." He grinned, and I returned it.
"Hi."
"I take it you missed me?" He asked and I rolled my eyes a little.
"How could I not?" I asked, "Nobody pisses me off like you do."
"Aw, I'm flattered." He told me and I grinned. Climbing off of him, I sighed. Sitting on the couch. Glancing around, I knew he and Rose must have been here awhile.
"I'm getting too old for that stuff." He chose not to comment on that, "Why didn't you wake me up when you got here?"
"You need your beauty sleep." He replied with a nod, "And I didn't want to scare you again."
"I've been getting better about that." I frowned a little.
"What are you going to do today, shorty?" He asked, seeming genuinely interested.
"I have no idea." I frowned, and he smiled, "Probably exactly what I did back at home. Sit around and bug you."
"Town's just a little bit that way." He suggested, "Go make friends or something." I wrinkled my nose.
"I had friends." I pouted, laying back and he smirked.
"There's that famous moodiness Esme was talking about." He chuckled, "I'd think you'd have been happy to get out of that place. Brand new place. New start, and all that."
"You know me." I mumbled, "I didn't change just because we live somewhere else now."
"I'd drag you out there myself, but we've gotta be more careful here, shorty." He sighed, lounging back as well, "It's sunny."
"I see that." I nodded, laughing a little, "Maybe I'll just.. I don't know. Circle the house. Catch bugs or something."
"Your luck, one would bite you." He pointed out and I rolled my eyes.
"Probably." I had to agree with him.
Sighing, I flopped my leg up onto the coffee table. Pursing my lips as I thought.
When we left, I'd been doomed to stay friend-less. I already missed the boys, and I had no idea when I'd see them again. I kept thinking about how unconcerned they were when I told them I was leaving. It wasn't that they wouldn't miss me, but it was more like they wouldn't let it bother them.
That was easier for them to do than for me to do.
"You okay?" He asked, and I nodded.
"Just thinking." I answered, and he knew by my tone that that's all it was. For right then, anyway.
Suddenly, I remembered. I had a way to talk to them. Well, Josh anyway. The little folded piece of paper sitting on my dresser upstairs.
"Hey," I sat upright, "How do you use e-mail?"
He smirked, "You don't know how?" I shook my head, "Where have you been the last sixteen years?"
"Can you show me?" I asked, ignoring his teasing.
"Sure." He finally chuckled, standing. Standing up as well, I followed him further into the house. Passed the stairs, there was a small hallway that held two more rooms, a separate bathroom, a closet, and another small office.
"Stay." I said, turning and running from the room. I had to go get the piece of paper. I stumbled a little, tripping on the stairs on my haste up them, but I managed to catch myself, "Ouch."
I ignored the throbbing pain in my toes, continuing on.
It really wasn't that hard to figure out, just like Josh said. It didn't take me that long to set everything up, and I sent Josh a message, saying I was alive.
There were rules, though, to using the computer. Emmett wasn't joking around when he told me this, so I knew to pay attention. If nobody was around to watch what I did, I shouldn't stray. Just e-mail, and that's it. Stay away from chat rooms and things like them, and if I ever found myself in one, never give out my name or where I live.
Blah, blah. All of that was common sense.
"I can handle it." I nodded, and he smirked.
"If you say so." He said, "But if I find out you didn't follow these rules, I'll kick your butt from here back to Washington."
"Yeah, yeah."
"I mean it." He said, "There are a lot of weirdos out there."
"I know that." I reminded him, "If anybody knows that, it's me. I'm not gonna be doing anything else but e-mailing Josh. Maybe Zack too."
"Alright." He said, nodding. I laughed a little, standing up.
Emmett and I wasted the morning and most of the afternoon by watching a movie marathon on TV, and I forgot all about wandering around outside.
Rose and Esme unpacked boxes of things taken from the old house while we lazed around. Pictures and things Emmett and Rose had brought with them.
"Should you really be letting her watch this stuff, Emmett?" Esme frowned, finally catching on. A wrapped picture frame in her hands.
"I hide her eyes when it gets bad." Emmett assured her, "Or she does it herself." She shook her head, continuing on with what she was doing.
It wasn't even dark yet before Alice and Jasper showed up, and I immediately felt a little better.
It was hard, the night before when we'd gotten there and nobody else was with us. Now that almost everybody was here, I felt like I could start adjusting. I missed home, but not as much as I would have if they weren't here with me. I knew that immediately, but there was someone missing.
"Where's Carlisle?" I asked from where I stood hugging Alice, "I haven't seen him all day."
"He's at work, honey." Esme answered, and I frowned.
"Already?" I asked, "So soon? I mean, we just got here."
"They had an immediate opening." She smiled a little, "People tend to make room for him." Maybe what Andrew had said about Carlisle wasn't so far off? About how good of a doctor Carlisle was, and the fact that everyone knew it. Aside from me, apparently.
"Oh." I mumbled, "Well, that's good I guess."
"He'll be home soon." Esme assured me, smiling at my slight disappointment. I let Alice and Jasper into the house, looking up at Jasper. He still had yet to look directly at me, and I frowned. Was it something I did?
I didn't want to ask, and risk pissing him off even more. He didn't seem pissed off, though. More like unhappy. Distracted, or deep in thought. I've been there before, so I left it alone.
"What about Edward?" I asked, curious, "When is he coming?"
"He's not." Alice told me after a moment of awkward silence, and I frowned, "He might visit now and then, but.." She trailed off, shaking her head.
I didn't know what to say to that. Learning that Edward wasn't going to show up bothered me. I'd been a little hopeful I could talk to him a little more, because as it was, he was the most unfamiliar to me.
I couldn't help thinking that Edward's decision not to follow the family was because I was here. Thinking back to that day. I stopped those thoughts, though. If the family had been trying to teach me anything, it was that I had to learn that not every single problem in the world was my fault.
"Come help me unpack?" Alice offered, and I glanced up at Jasper.
"Um." I mumbled, "I'd rather not." I was still pretty out of it. I wasn't feeling all that well, and I was sure it showed.
"Trying to steal her again?" Emmett asked from his place on the couch, "I'm not done picking on her."
"Oh, I only looked away twice." I mumbled in my defense, looking to him.
I did follow her, however. Curious, despite myself, which room was theirs. I was always sort of separated from the family, my room being on the first floor. She smiled a little at me as she showed me that she and Jasper had the room beside mine.
So that was one positive note. Theirs looked almost like mine. About the same size, but with a much different color scheme, and it seemed more homey. Where mine was mostly made up of light brown, gold and red, theirs was more of a beige and light blue.
"How are you liking it here so far?" Alice asked, setting her bag down.
"My bed is huge." I offered, and she laughed a little.
"Does that bother you?" She asked, looking to me as I leaned against one of the posts on their four-poster bed.
"No." I mumbled, shrugging a little, "I just miss home, I guess."
"I know." She replied quietly, "This is something that happens a lot, though. You'll get used to it. After awhile, where you are stops mattering so much."
"I've never lived anywhere but Washington." I admitted and she smiled, "So it wasn't just that I hated Ken that scared me so much about having to live in California." She looked down.
"You shouldn't be thinking about him."
"I know." I replied, "I can't help it, though."
"Has that happened a lot today?" She asked, and I knew what she meant. She was referencing my inability to control where my mind wandered.
"Yeah." I admitted with a sigh, "I didn't tell Emmett, though. He's been so nice to me."
"What about Esme?" She asked, and I shook my head, "Leandra, you shouldn't hide it."
"It's just hard." I mumbled, "I'm still stuck, I think." I looked up as Jasper appeared in the doorway, "Um.. I'll be downstairs." I forced a smile to Alice, looking to Jasper again as I left the room. Listening to her sigh sadly behind me. I half expected Jasper to tell me it was alright if I stayed, but he never said a word, so I kept going.
Flopping back down beside Emmett with a sigh.
"Tough day?" He asked, and I stayed quiet. Knowing he probably heard what I told Alice before. I just kept my eyes on the TV, and he didn't press.
By the time Carlisle did come home, I was eagerly looking forward to his arrival. I'd missed him. However, he was distracted. Heavily so. Like Jasper had been, and I wondered what they had to be so distracted about, even if they weren't about the same things.
Hardly noticing me standing there, and instinct told me to stay out of the way. Even if I was curious, I wouldn't press. Everything was so different now. Before, I'd never felt like I was in the way. Not when it came to Carlisle, but that was the distinct feeling I got now.
Carlisle told us he needed to talk to Esme, so Emmett took me outside. That usually meant it was about me, so naturally, I was nervous. So, since the sun had fallen behind the trees, Emmett walked with me. We left the front yard, and slowly stepped along the deserted street. The street was paved, but ours was the only house for a good while. Then again, I'd only seen the front of the house so far, I reminded myself.
Though I was dressed, I hadn't grabbed my shoes before leaving the house, but the street was warm from the sun on it all day. I watched my feet on the smooth pavement, stepping over small pebbles.
"Sorry you got stuck with me while they talked about me." I muttered, looking up at Emmett beside me.
"I don't mind." Emmett told me with a grin, "I'll babysit you."
"If you sit on me, I'll stab you." I mumbled, and he looked to me.
"That's not very nice." His attempt to hide his laughter failed. Even I had to laugh a little at how serious I was when I said that.
"And I'm not a baby." I reminded him.
"More of a baby than I am." He replied, "And since I'm older, I get to sit on you. That's how it works."
"Is it?" I laughed a little, "You'll smash me."
"Nah. I wouldn't do that to you. Especially since I heard you broke your butt." Emmett said conversationally, and I looked up at him.
"I didn't break my butt." I muttered, "I bruised it."
"So much for padding, huh?"
"I'm not fat." I reminded him. He shook his head, laughing a little, "Does everybody know about that?"
"No." He smiled, finding it amusing, "I overheard Esme telling Rosalie about it." I rolled my eyes a little.
"In other words, mostly everybody knows about it but Alice and Jasper."
"Pretty much."
I sighed, "It hardly hurts anymore."
It fell quiet as we walked. Several minutes of that went by, and the entire time, I knew he was watching me. I kept my gaze down, and I could feel the nearly permanent frown on my face. The seemingly never-ending crease in my brow.
Trying to make sense of everything, unavoidably, I thought too much.
"Where'd you go, shorty?" He asked after several minutes, knowing my moods. I sighed, shaking my head a little.
"A long time ago." I mumbled in reply. I knew it was useless to try to hide it anymore. Emmett was far more observant than that.
"Wanna talk about it?" I slowly shook my head. He sighed, "Shorty, you know you can talk to us. It doesn't always have to be to Carlisle."
"I know." I mumbled, sighing.
"We're all here for you." He told me, and I was quiet, "I mean, it's really not like we have anything better to do."
"So I'm a hobby?"
"Um." I couldn't help smiling a little, "That's not what I meant. Unless you think it's a good thing, then that's totally what I meant."
"I don't even know." I admitted, laughing a little, until that faded too.
"So tell me a story." He urged after another few seconds of silence, nudging me.
"A story?"
"Yeah." He said, "Make it a good one." I thought for a minute.
"Once upon a time," I mused, "The world blew up, and everybody died. The end."
"A real story." He chuckled, but I didn't smile. I took a breath, thinking again. Several minutes passed by as Emmett waited patiently.
Emmett had always been the one I went to for light-hearted conversation. He knew, I was sure, what I went through, but I'd never admitted to him just how much I suffered, still, on a daily basis. Jasper knew because he had no choice. Carlisle had always been the one I talked to. Never Emmett. This would be a first.
Finally, I pursed my lips, and started again.
"Once upon a time," I murmured quietly, "There was a little girl who hated the world and everybody in it." He knew where this was going immediately. I wasn't stupid, and neither was he, "The little girl was six years old, but she was a smart little girl. She was smart, but very confused. There were still things she couldn't figure out.
"The kids she met at school didn't see her. The teachers she saw at school didn't see her. Nobody saw her. It took her a little while to figure out the reason why. It was because the little girl was invisible.
"In a little house that nobody saw, on a dirt road that nobody saw, she lived with her mother, who was just as useless to her as she would be if she weren't even there, and her stepfather."
I faltered on the last word. I didn't have to look at Emmett to know he was listening. Concentrating on my footsteps, and watching where I was going as I continued on with the little story.
"Day in and day out, the little girl would kneel beside her mother laying on the little couch. Kneeling on the floor. In the little house that nobody saw. The little girl would stay there for hours. Oh, how the little girl would cry."
I faltered again on the last word, my voice breaking quietly. I paused for a quiet sob as I shakily, but firmly continued, "The little girl would cry, her heart so broken she just knew that any second, she would die.
"'Mommy,' The little girl would ask, 'Why am I invisible? Why can nobody see me? Can't you see me?' The little girl would always be so very disappointed, because even her mother couldn't see her. Until that night, when the one person who could see the little girl would get home."
I trailed off, my voice quieting as Emmett listened closely.
"The little girl's stepfather wasn't a very good person, and she hated him. She hated him, and he hated her, and he hated her so much, that his hate would leave bruises on the little girl." From the corner of my eye, I noticed Emmett look down, "The little girl would look at her bruises, and she would hate them. She would look at herself in the mirror, she would see the bruises of her stepfather's hate, and she would hate herself." Again, I went quiet.
"The little girl's stepfather would hit her, and he would hurt her, and he would tell her very mean things. Until one day, she started to believe him.
"'Why else,' The little girl would ask herself, 'Would he tell me these things unless they were true? They must be true.' And that was because those things were true."
The silence stretched on, not even our footsteps enough to break me from my story now.
"There on the floor of the little girl's little bedroom, in the little house that nobody saw, the little girl learned how to stop living. She didn't die, but she wasn't alive anymore. She wasn't alive anymore, but the little girl's stepfather still saw her. He still saw her, he still hated her, he still hit her, and he still hurt the little girl.
"With a smile, and a laugh, he would tell the little girl that she deserved it. That she was alive only for his entertainment, and because he hadn't decided that she should die yet. He always used that word, too. 'Yet'. He always told her that sooner or later, he would get bored of her. She wasn't broken enough for him yet, though. Not yet. So he kept trying.
"Then one day, the little girl caught herself wishing. The little girl would wish with all her might that she would turn invisible, and she finally realized that that was why nobody could see her. Because she had wished that she was invisible so hard, and so many times, that it had come true, but not for the one person she was wishing it for.
"And so the girl continued to grow up. Invisible, but not to the one person who could still see her. The little girl learned how to go on, invisible and forgotten. She never forgot how to hurt, but she learned how to deal with it. Knowing what it was doing to her, but being too weak, and too stupid to stop it.
"Hurting so very much that she even forgot how to see herself. The little girl had forgotten how to see herself, because she hated herself so much. Until finally, one day, the little girl just disappeared completely. She stopped hurting, she stopped feeling. She stopped trying to see herself because to her, it didn't matter anymore."
"Shorty, maybe-"
"Until one day." I continued, interrupting him and my tone much firmer, "The little girl felt again, but it wasn't what she should feel. While the little girl was hiding, all the pain she had been taught had turned into something else. She knew it wasn't supposed to be that way, but it was, and there was nothing in the world anybody could do to change what that pain had turned into.
"The little girl hated herself so much now, all she wanted to do was hate others. She hated other people, and she wanted to hurt them. She wanted them to feel as much pain as she felt, because she was just so sure it would make her feel a little better. The little girl was scared of who she was now, but that still didn't change anything.
"She continued to hate others, for abandoning her or for never having to feel the pain she always had to feel, but the more she hated others, the more she hated herself."
My voice had quieted to almost a whisper, and I trailed off, not yet looking at Emmett. I could feel his horrified gaze, so I decided to end the story on a wishful thought.
"Until one day it got to be too much, and she finally did something to prevent anyone else from having to know what kind of a monster she is, and to finally put an end to the pain and the hate. She didn't want to do it, but she knew it was for the best. Once the little girl was gone, the world was a better place." I waited for a second, "The end."
We walked in silence once more, this time neither of us expecting me to say something else. If he only knew how much I wished that ending were true, and how often I thought about it without even realizing it. Now I realized it, and it scared me even more.
"Aw, shorty.." He obviously didn't know what to say. I didn't say anything either. Eventually, he stopped, and slowly stopped me as well. Turning me to face him. I could only glance up at him, noting his deep concern. I only managed one sob before he lifted me up, and hugged me.
Standing there in the middle of the road, he hugged me tight and I returned it.
I'd been doing so well, but now I was beginning to learn that the pain never goes away. It never stops hurting, but I just learn how to deal with it. I felt him turn around, and I knew he was carrying me back toward home. With me stuck to the front of him like a monkey. Trembling with silent sobs I knew he could hear.
"If I wasn't before," Emmett murmured to me, "I'm now a lot more inclined to agree with Edward."
"What happened?" Carlisle was there the second we were through the door, "Where did you go?"
"We just went for a walk." Emmett answered, letting me down onto the couch, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" His tone told me he was barely holding onto his temper. I looked up, watching as Carlisle followed him outside. Closing the front door behind him.
One by one, they were all getting an idea. Edward, the one other that had an idea about what went through my mind, wasn't coming back. Jasper could hardly look at me, and Emmett never followed Carlisle back inside.
"Where'd he go?" I asked quietly when I saw him alone, and Carlisle looked to me.
"He'll be home later." He told me, "Don't worry."
Too late.
"I don't know why I told him." I sniffled, shaking my head, "I don't know."
"No, Leandra." Carlisle told me, "It wasn't you. He went into town for an errand." I hardly believed him, but I wasn't going to insist.
I sat there on the couch, sniffling as I slowly calmed down. Carlisle stood there with me, watching me. I wanted to say something, but I was so worried about bothering him. Especially when he still seemed so distracted.
Each minute that passed, I got even more tense. What was Emmett doing? Why would he run off like that?
He was only gone half an hour, but it felt like hours. When he finally returned, I was so close to tears, I couldn't help but cry when I saw him close the door behind him. Carlisle looked on from where he stood talking with Esme.
I was so worried I'd run him off too.
He gave me an apologetic smile, crossing the room to sit beside me. From inside his coat, he pulled something out and handed it to me. I had to smile at what it was.
"I'm sorry. About leaving like that, but I had to take a walk." He said, "To clear my head, and when I saw this, I had to get it for you." I ran my fingers over the soft fur of the teddy bear in my hands. It was a violet purple color, and not especially large, but big enough to hug. I appreciated this gesture more than he knew.
"Thank you." I murmured, smiling a little. He smiled, nodding. He was quiet for a moment, until he spoke again.
"You're very smart." He said, and I looked up again, "Did you know that?"
"No I'm not." I laughed a little.
"Do you really think most ten year olds could make up a story like that on the spot?" He asked, "Not many, that I know of."
"It's different when it's not made up." I told him, shrugging a little, "It's not that hard when I already know how it goes. I thought I'd chased you away too."
"Too?" He asked, frowning.
"Well, there's Edward." I reasoned, "He's not coming. Then there's Jasper. He hasn't said anything to me since that night, and hasn't looked at me." He studied me for a minute.
"Jasper." He called, and I looked up at him.
"Don't worry about it." I murmured, shaking my head, "It's fine."
"Jasperrr." He called again, this time in a funnier tone, "Don't make me have to go up there. I don't wanna see that." I frowned, confused for a moment. I yelped quietly as Jasper was suddenly there.
"I hope this is important." Jasper told him, straightening his shirt.
"Is she right?" Emmett asked, "Have you been avoiding her?" Jasper looked down, sighing as his gaze found the floor, "Why?"
"I think we both could do without a repeat of the other night." Jasper finally answered matter-of-factly, "I think it's best if I keep my distance. It was reckless of me to get so comfortable."
"Until she starts feeling like this." Emmett told him incredulously, "You nuts?"
"Emmett, it's fine." I mumbled, and again, he ignored me.
"Leandra, honey." Esme spoke up, and I looked to her, "Come here, please."
Gratefully, I stood up. Sighing as I followed both her into the kitchen, Carlisle following me. From in the kitchen, I could still see into the living room, so it wasn't any more private, but I could tell she just wanted to move me away from them. Either so Emmett and Jasper could talk, or she could talk to me without many distractions. I wasn't sure which.
I found a seat at the round kitchen table, sitting down and looking up at her. I waited, watching her glance to Carlisle. This wasn't an easy subject, I could tell immediately. It made me nervous, and I tensed where I sat. Sitting straighter in my seat.
"I wanted to ask you something." She began, "Honey, how set against attending school are you?"
"Very." I replied immediately.
"Are you at least willing to try?"
"I have tried." I shook my head, standing back up. Nervousness making me do so, "I can't do it."
"I was hoping you wouldn't say that." She sighed, and I frowned, "Honey, as a requirement for them allowing a transfer, you-"
"Transfer?" I asked, confused.
"Carlisle called in a favor." She explained, "Normally, since you're only a foster, they wouldn't have allowed you to come with us. Not that easily, anyway." She paused, "But because it was Carlisle, they hesitantly agreed to transfer your case here. It's a bit more complicated than that, and a whole lot of paperwork, but they agreed to do it. Under a few conditions. The one we're talking about now, is that you must attend school." My frown deepened, "You begin on Monday."
I shook my head, instantly denying it. Monday? It was already Friday evening! That meant I only had two days.
"Without you?" I asked nervously, "Esme, you know that I can't do that."
"You've attended school before, sweetheart." She assured me, "You can-"
"That was before." I reasoned almost desperately, "I've tried being around people, and I don't like what I do."
"We've done all we can to get them to change their mind, sweety, but it's-"
"Try again." I whimpered, shaking my head. I was scared, and for very good reason. I didn't know these kids. Anything could happen, and I'd be screwed. How could they do this to me?
"It's a wonderful school, honey." She told me, trying to comfort me, "And it's only temporary." I gave a sob of dread, turning and pacing, "I know how much this worries you, but I know you can do this. You'll do fine."
"No I won't." I sobbed, "I can't do it."
It was useless to argue, and I could see that throwing a fit wouldn't get me out of it. I couldn't help it, though. I'd never really thrown a fit before, so this was somewhat new territory for me. I tried to hide it, but I just couldn't pretend to go along with this.
Being away from my family for any length of time in a place where I could potentially cause another person harm seemed so impossible, a sense of despair settled into my stomach, and I sat back down. Lightly thumping my head against the table. Not very hard, though, and it hardly made a noise.
After enough arguing, though, I got mad. The only way I could describe my outbursts now was mean. Both Emmett and Jasper looked on from the wide kitchen doorway, surprised at my raised voice.
I was angry.
Accusing Carlisle and Esme of only wanting to get rid of me, and they were just getting rid of me slowly. Esme attempted to ease my temper, by reassuring me, but I only told them that they just didn't want me around, and I should just run away.
Carlisle put a stop to that right in its tracks.
"Leandra." He said firmly, "That's enough of that." I wanted to keep going, but I couldn't now. Sitting back down with a sob, I kept my eyes down as I watched the table, "I know how hard this is on you, believe me, but that is no excuse to take that tone."
Instead of arguing further, I stood up forcefully and left the room. Ignoring his attempts to call me back into the room. Yanking my arm from Emmett's hand as he tried to stop me.
Carlisle hadn't had to correct me like that before, so maybe that was what added to my upset state. I cried myself to sleep that night, not at all as comfortable as I was the night before.
I wasn't feeling any better when I woke up the next morning.
It was stupid to protest this way, but I didn't know how else to really let them know how unhappy I was. Esme came upstairs to tell me breakfast was ready, poking her head in.
"I'm not hungry." I mumbled, looking away. Which was a lie. I understood that they had no choice but to make me go, but I didn't agree with it. I wouldn't go easily, because I knew what would happen the second someone pissed me off. I knew I wouldn't do well at all there, and they'd see that.
"Come on out, honey." She urged, "I know how upset you are, but you should eat something."
"Come on, shorty." She wasn't alone in the hallway, "You're tougher than this."
"Bite me, Emmett." I muttered and he snorted.
"Leandra, you can't stay in here all day." Jasper's voice out in the hall as well surprised me.
"Oh, you're talking to me now?" I snapped, immediately kicking myself for not biting that one back. Instead of apologizing, I looked toward the windows across the room. Esme sighed quietly. I rested my chin on my drawn-up knees. I was quickly beginning to figure out that I hated fighting with them.
I just wanted to hide.
I could hear whispered arguing out in the hallway, but I couldn't hear what was said. Until the door came open, and Emmett strode into the room. He lifted me up from my bed, and slung me over his shoulder. Which I really didn't want right then. So I bit him. The back of his shirt in my teeth, I hadn't managed to bite his shoulder.
He just sighed and continued on.
"Is she biting you?" Alice asked, surprised as he passed her in the hallway.
"She's a little moody this morning." He answered simply, and I glared at Emmett's back as he continued on.
"Didn't we talk about this, Leandra?" She asked. I knew the group had followed us, but I didn't want to look at them.
He made it to the kitchen and stood there for a minute, "I'm putting you down now. You might want to let go or you're going to hurt yourself." True to his word, he flipped me back upright right as I unclenched my teeth. Sitting me in the seat I'd abandoned at the table the night before.
"Talk to me, shorty." I glanced to the group standing in the doorway, "What's bugging you?"
"I'm not going." I said firmly, "You'll have to carry me there, but I'm not staying."
"Shorty-"
"No." I stood back up, "I won't. You're the ones always telling me that you'd never make me do anything I don't want to do."
"Within reason." He reminded me, poking my nose, "It's not Carlisle's fault. It's not Esme's fault. It's not even the state's fault. It's a reasonable request, shorty. Now, my suggestion? Grit your teeth, and deal with it, because acting like this isn't going to change anything."
I stood there for a second, my anger fading slightly, until it flared again.
"I can't do it." I finally said, looking back up at him.
"Why not?" He asked, and I sighed.
"I don't know." I replied sharply, "I didn't ask to be this fucked up. I just am."
"You're not fucked up." Emmett corrected me, "You just-"
"Stop lying to me!" I surprised myself by hitting him. Not hard enough to hurt myself, but a slap against his arm, "Stop it!"
"Breathe, shorty." He told me, "Give it a minute."
"Fuck you." I pushed passed him.
"You can fight it all you want, but it's not going to change by hiding from it." He told me as I walked away.
"I'm not going!" I shouted, spinning to look at him, "I'm tired of having to prove what kind of person I am over and over and over! For someone as smart as you guys are, you sure don't get it!" He didn't bother replying to that. Giving me a pointed look, telling me silently to knock it off.
"Sometimes you have to deal with new people, but it's for your own good." He told me, "You can't live the rest of your life hiding from humanity."
"Watch me." I replied firmly, continuing on. I stepped passed him the other direction now. Stepping outside through the back door. Closing the door behind me.
I stood outside in the bright sunlight. In my thin pajamas, it warmed my skin in a way I wasn't used to. I slowly stepped off the back porch, onto the grass. Back here, the view was prettier. The backyard overlooked a large park quite a ways away.
There was a steep, grassy hill between our backyard, and that park, but I liked the look of it. The same wall that surrounded the front yard was up back here, and it interested me to know I was just tall enough to lean on the wall and watch the park.
Taking a deep breath, I began to let myself calm down. Enough to think, anyway. I wouldn't go along with this easily, and I knew they knew that. It was going to be a disaster.
What was really bothering me about this?
It was more than just not wanting to go to school. Kids always hated school. That was just how it went. It was even more than being worried about what I'd do. It was everything.
Back home, I had the option of staying home all the time. I never had to leave. Back home, I had times when I would have time with just Carlisle, or whoever else I wanted. Carlisle had been taking lots of time off to work with me, and I got used to that. Back home, I didn't have to worry about facing other people, and I was used to that. The entire summer had come and gone, and fall had started. I had time to get used to that, but just about overnight, everything had changed.
Edward was gone, but that wasn't such a big change.
Carlisle worked all day now, and I hadn't had a chance to get used to that yet. Jasper was distancing himself from me, and though I understood that, it bugged me. Because he was the one to insist I talk to Carlisle in the first place.
Now, Emmett was pushy, which he never used to be.
This was a brand new place, and as much as I needed my family, that support wasn't there anymore. It felt too much like I was starting all over.
They were still there, but starting on Monday, I'd be gone for several hours during the day. I wouldn't have the constant safety I had before, and that wasn't an option for me. I wouldn't have the option to run to any given family member, and I'd be stuck around other kids.
That was a whole separate issue, but equally as distressing.
Esme was right. I had gone to school, but that was before I changed so much. If I couldn't handle being at a park, even with Carlisle there, what would happen in a crowded classroom? Without anybody?
Just the thought of that tried to close my throat, and I coughed a sob. I didn't want to face that.
Carlisle had told me that what I did wasn't my fault, but I felt that it was. I couldn't change it, but I couldn't be that way either. It was a very scary thing for me, being cornered. Stuck between the way I should be, and the way I was. Stuck between the way I couldn't be the way I was, and unable to change. Just the thought of it was enough to nearly smash me under the pressure.
But that was nothing new. I'd accepted that.
Now, there was yet an even larger problem. What bothered me the most, was that I would have to leave the house, and the safety of my family, for several hours each day.
Without even realizing it, I'd let myself depend on them completely. Without even realizing it, by spending every waking moment with them, I let myself get used to not having to worry. Without even realizing it, it had become unacceptable to ever leave their side.
Sighing, I pushed myself up, and climbed onto the wall. Sitting down on the warm stone, a slow breeze pulled my hair from my face as I continued to think about my predicament.
I'd be out there, with other people, unprotected. Something I hadn't been since I last saw Jack. Until now, I'd been protected. Sheltered. Shielded. Now, they were telling me I had to step out from behind my protected shelter, and somehow still function? I couldn't do it.
Yet, what was I doing?
Snapping, yelling. Hitting. Shouting, cursing, and biting? Pushing them away? I didn't want that. I had closed my eyes. I was turning away, resisting their efforts now. How completely just moving to a new place could turn me around. Four days ago, I'd been fine. I'd been doing so well, and now, because absolutely everything had changed, I'd changed along with it.
They had to have expected this to happen. They had to have seen this coming. I'd always been told that healing from what I'd been through wasn't going to be easy, and nobody ever promised it would be, but I guess I was just surprised I was taking steps back again.
Maybe I should just give up. Stop trying. Stop lying to myself, and just let myself be swallowed by the person I didn't want to become. It was useless.
Glancing behind me, nobody was watching me that I could see, so I hopped down. On the other side of the short wall now, and started down the grassy hill, toward the park.
It was steeper than it looked, as I had to keep stopping myself. The last thing I needed was to go rolling, and hit the short fence posts that bordered the park. I found it easier to brace myself without my shoes, though. My toes gripping the ground for me.
It took me several minutes to get to the park from the backyard, and when I got there, I had to rest. In my pajamas, and bare feet, I sat on one of the five swings in the play area. The chains hardly made a sound as I pushed myself lightly, looking around myself at the deserted park. It being deserted was the only reason I considered coming here at all.
I didn't really get much enjoyment from swinging like other kids did. It was just something to do. I half wondered what made them like this sort of thing, but I just sighed and shrugged it off. I'd never understand them.
The entire time I sat there, I battled with myself. Fighting off panic, waiting for the moment Jack would find me here. I was paranoid, I'd be the first to admit it, but I had every reason to be worried.
Alice couldn't clearly see his decisions, and that was a problem. He could be standing right behind me before she'd know anything about it. She sometimes lied, saying she did see a little bit of something, but I knew it was a lie. Not with my mother stuck with him.
I wondered what she was going through right that minute. I hadn't seen her in five months now, and the fact that Alice couldn't see Jack's decisions told me she survived. I wondered if she was back to drinking yet, and they just continued on with their lives without me.
It would be more difficult for them, what with Jack avoiding being arrested, but he was smart. Careful. He knew what he was doing when it came to that sort of thing, so I knew he wasn't worried.
I wondered what their lives were like now, and I wondered if they ever thought about me.
Probably. Jack at least.
I was Jack's biggest project. The one thing he devoted his life to, and the fact that I was brave enough to get away from him had to eat at him. He'd be determined, I thought. He'd be determined to get me back, and continue what he started.
I wondered what Ken was doing now. I wondered if he's shown back up for his grandsons yet. Probably. He wasn't done corrupting them. I saw that easily. Heather had to too. She wasn't stupid, so it confused me a little why she'd allow them to be around him. Even if it did make them happy.
How easy it would be to find me while I was at school. Away from my family, and away from the protection they offered. Especially for the two of them. They could do whatever they wanted between the time I arrived at school, and when I was supposed to be home. They could take me and be long gone with me before they even noticed.
Maybe that's why I fought this so hard. Because I wasn't stupid, and I refused to underestimate those two. Jack, especially. I couldn't. I knew him too well. My family was putting too much faith in some stupid school to keep me safe.
Taking a breath, I decided to think about other things.
This really was a nice park, though.
Plenty of mature trees with leaves just beginning to change colors. The trees began to remind me of home. They weren't the same, but it was something. The closest thing I had of back home. Cool, cement trails wound around the entire area, benches every so often along it. Cool grass, and sand under my feet. Clean, with no trash laying around.
However, on the other side of this park, was more to the city. I hadn't even noticed that the entire city seemed to bend around. Where it was further away one direction, it was much closer another direction. This direction to be exact. The city was a lot closer than I thought it was. This park sitting between the hill my family's house was on and the middle of the city.
Across the park, I could make out the traffic, and smaller businesses. Small stores, and restaurants. From what I could tell, anyway. I knew there was more further away, but even just that sight was enough to make me nervous.
Don't go poking around, I told myself. I'd follow my own advice. Even if I was curious, I was cautious. More so, and I knew better than to go sniffing for trouble. Even where I sat now was too close to people for my comfort, so it didn't take me long to decide to go back.
So I walked back up the hill, which was a chore but I managed, and climbed back over the wall. It may have looked close from where I stood now, but it really wasn't that close. The sun must have been playing tricks on my eyes.
I couldn't do it.
I sat back down, this time with my back against the wall. Hiding from the sight of the park behind me, and hiding back in the yard. Drawing my legs up just a little, just enough to rest my arms on my knees.
Sniffling quietly, I hid my face as my slow tears started.
I didn't look up at Jasper's voice from the porch, "Leandra, come inside."
He waited, I knew he waited. I stayed like that for a few more seconds, until I forced myself to uncurl long enough to stand and cross the yard.
I stepped up the steps, passed him on my way inside. Forcefully wiping my eyes, but my tears just renewed. Desperately trying to stay tough, to keep up my act of defiance. Crying ruined that, but I couldn't help it.
I found Esme waiting as well, and I just had to. Crossing the kitchen, I hugged her. To my relief, my efforts before did nothing to push her away, because she returned my hug tightly. I needed some sort of comfort, and I knew she was the best person to go to to get it.
"I know, honey." She told me, and that was all she had to say.
"It's going to take a lot more than that to change our minds, Leandra." Jasper informed me, "Especially when I'm right here, and I can feel what you actually feel. Not what you think you feel." I sniffled, turning to look at him, "Earlier? You weren't angry, Leandra. You were scared. It just took you some time to understand that."
"I know you don't want to start school, honey." Esme told me as I stepped back, "Believe me, I understand, but I promise. You'll be just fine there." I only cried harder, shaking my head, "Yes, you will."
I might have been stubborn, but they were more so. I didn't have a choice.
My first day at this school was one of the worst of my life. I hated it, so much, just sitting there. Trying to force myself out of the car.
Carlisle had to go in and speak to the principal, so I sort of had no choice but to go in with him. Otherwise I would have had to be pried from the car. I'd save that for tomorrow, I decided. As it was, he had to lift me himself. I wasn't going willingly, which I needed him to know, but I wouldn't fight.
He carried me easily inside the rather large building, and up the hall a ways until we reached the office. Me glaring down at my feet the entire way. I hated it. I hated that I had to be doing this.
We were greeted by two women, who seemed nice enough, but I hated them too. I paid no attention to what they talked about. I didn't care. I stayed bitter through the ten minute discussion, letting them talk about my imprisonment.
I did manage to gather that the woman on the right was the principal of the school, and the other was the school's guidance counselor. Both seemed enthusiastic to meet me, but I still hated both of them.
I nearly cried, but managed to hold it back, as Carlisle finally let me down on my feet. That meant he was leaving me.
By the time he did leave, however, I was still just as against it as I had been when we got there. I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving me there. Just walking away, which was what he did. He stayed by my side as we stepped from the office, and into the hall. Giving me a brief hug and a few words of encouragement, he turned. Walking away.
I couldn't follow him, though, which scared me. I struggled to keep myself under control as the counselor took my hand, and steered me up the hall. The opposite direction I wanted to go. Her hand holding mine kept me from following him.
Don't bite her, I told myself. Don't bite her. Be good.
I hated it, but she adjusted her hold on my hand. Holding it just a little tighter, and that scared me. I yanked my hand away, giving her a look. Startled, she looked back down at me, laughing a little.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart." She said, "But here we are." She'd better thank her lucky stars. She seemed nice enough, but I wanted nothing to do with her. She pulled open the heavy wooden door, guiding me into the classroom by the shoulder now.
I kept my eyes down, hating how I could feel every pair of eyes on me. The teacher stood up, probably anticipating our arrival. He shook hands with the counselor at my side as she told him who I was.
"It's very nice to meet you, Leandra." The teacher spoke to me, and I looked to him as he squatted down, "You can call me Mr. Kline, and I'll be the one you're stuck with every day." He was trying to be funny, but I looked back down. His smile softened, and he stood back up, "She'll be alright here. Thank you for bringing her, Julia." The counselor behind me, gave my shoulder a pat, and I flinched away as she turned. Leaving the room.
I always remembered how it went with new students in any class. The teacher always made them tell the class where they were from and what their name was. I wouldn't do that, I decided, but he didn't make me do that. He did that himself. Standing with me, so I wasn't alone as he told the curious students my name.
He led me to his desk, and gathered some papers in a folder, and two papery booklets.
"This is all the stuff you'll need while you're here, and since the year just started, you're not too far behind." Mr. Kline assured me with a smile, offering the things to me. Hesitantly, I reached up and took them from him, "Your desk is right over here."
He led me up the second row of desks from the door to the third desk from the end. The only empty one anywhere around me. I sighed and sat down, stacking the booklets and stuff neatly in front of me, and he reached up, spreading my neat little pile a little, just enough to point to one of the booklets. That bugged me, but he had a reason to do so.
"This is just your copy of the regulations and rules. You know, dress code and what not to do." He tapped it lightly with his finger, "We don't use uniforms here, but that doesn't mean you can just wear anything. You should go over this one with your parents, just so you're up to date on the rules here, too. It's probably exactly the same as your old school. Don't fight, don't set things on fire. Blah, blah." Okay, I had to smile a little. I nodded, my smile fading almost immediately.
"In here," He tapped the light purple folder, "Is where all your writing assignments go and all the graded tests and whatnot I give back to you go. It's good to hold onto those. There's a few papers in there now, but that's just the rules of my classroom, and the map of the entire school. Boring.
"We're one of the only classes this grade level that don't switch between teachers, and all the kids here are more comfortable with one teacher." I nodded, "So just ignore that bell you hear every two and a half hours. Unless it's for lunch, or recess in.." He looked back to the clock, "Thirty minutes. Then it's every kid for him or herself."
"I do have one rule that nobody new here is allowed to break." I looked to him, "That's you have to make at least one friend. That's all I ask." I sighed, looking down, "It doesn't have to be today, but nobody is allowed to stay lonely here."
I stayed quiet, choosing to ignore that. Opening the folder in front of me, I slowly pulled out the map of the school. Looking it over, all the major places were marked. The playground and field where recess and P.E. would be was out of this classroom, and further up the hall. Out of the back doors, and straight ahead.
The cafeteria, though, would take a few more minutes to get to. That one had a separate playground outside of it, and that's where we'd go after we ate. It was much bigger of a school than I was used to.
"You chose a great time to arrive, Leandra." He smiled, bringing my attention back to him, "We're reading."
Yay.
He lightly tapped the thicker booklet, with the colorful cover.
"This is just basic reading." He told me, opening it for me and turning to the right page, "You just read the short story here, and fill out these questions here at the end." I nodded, letting him know I would do that, "If you don't finish reading, don't worry. You can do that for homework, okay?" I nodded again, already looking over the two and a half pages of reading I had to do.
"Well, I think that's it." He said, "If you have any questions at all, or if you're not sure about something, feel free to ask me, or one of the other students. We're all pretty nice here. At least, I'd like to think so. It's great to meet you, Leandra, and I think you'll like it here."
I didn't reply, keeping my eyes down. He smiled a little, turning and walking back up to the front. I took a deep shaky breath, letting it out in a sigh. Looking to the clock.
Six hours, and counting.
I was done reading and answered the questions in ten minutes, so I didn't have to do that at home. I'd be busy when I got home. Freaking out about tomorrow.
I could still feel many, many curious eyes on me, and I dreaded the rest of the day.
A/N: Admit it, we all missed miss stubborness here. :D
I apologize if this seems a little rushed or whatnot, as there was a lot that needed to be in here.
And I apologize this took awhile. I just couldn't focus until recently lol I admit, I was distracted. Youtube stole me.
THANK YOU to my reviewers! I have to put that for every chapter, because I'm always thrilled at getting that notification. :D
Hope you enjoyed this. Chapter five will be along as soon as I can focus more on it lol
I'd give it a few days unless my beta kicks me in the butt again lol
Until then, my friends. :D