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The Reason that the Sky is Blue

Part Four: Sara

The humidity clung to Sara's pores as she made her way through the crowds that had gathered on the strip to watch the light show. She needed to disappear. She needed to be somewhere she could just be another face in the crowd not a character in the tragic screen-play that had slowly developed into her life. Sara couldn't be at home pretending to be the committed wife. And she didn't want to be at Greg's playing the role of illicit lover. Stopping amongst the people she glanced up watching the bright lights above her with awe as if it were the first time she has ever seen them- as if she were someone new to this city- someone who hadn't seen all the hurt and pain caused by the sin that infested every inch of the buildings.

One decision had changed everything. One kiss has been to blame for everything falling apart. One man had been responsible for her complete loss of sanity.

When they worked together she would be reminded of how well they fitted together, how he would make easy work of having her crumbling in his arms. Over the space of a few weeks he had learnt the spots on which to drop kisses, the skin to trace maps on and the moments he needed to hold her close to him. In those few weeks he had discovered every one of her secrets.

But was that enough?

Were those things enough reason to throw away everything she had spent so long building?

As Sara escaped the claustrophobia of the crowd into the deserted parking lot she wondered what it would take for her to be honest- to Grissom, to Greg, to herself.

She wondered if Grissom saw the marks of her affair tainting her skin when he held her at night, if he could smell Greg's cologne on her when she walked through the door. Sara wondered if Grissom had lost of all his respect for her, because in all honesty, she no longer respected herself. She had given in to an urge that she should have controlled. And worst of all she had hurt the one person she claimed she truly loved.

Love.

Sara laughed inwardly at the concept. How could someone who had never have experienced such an intense emotion growing up claim to understand it?

All of the years before she had met Grissom, she had spent drifting amongst places that didn't deserve the name home. She had lingered in the ruins of failing relationships in the hope that things would change, that at some point she would realise that she was in love. Letting herself be anyone that was required for it mean something. Watching as one man after another slowly used her up and let her go when there was no spark left to speak of. Things with Grissom had been different, from the moment she had met him it was as if she had fallen under his spell. Her need to be in his proximity had been obsessive. He'd respected her as a person. He had loved her as a woman. He had listened to her and acknowledged her in the way no other man had before. So she had left her life in San Francisco to live in Las Vegas in the hope that he would let he be all of the things she had wanted to be. And he did. After five years of being built up and then knocked down again he said the words she had been waiting to hear; I love you.

But things had changed.

With each day they had spent apart they became strangers barely recognising each other for the things that had drawn them together. Their time together was always painfully short. And as much as Sara hated admitting it she had never felt so alone.

But that had also changed.

She could feel the guilt coiling in her lower abdomen as she climbed into the driver seat of her car, her head resting on the steering wheel as she wished she could empty her mind. She didn't feel alone any more. Greg had been her solace for so many years and when she felt like everything was falling away from her he had been the first person she had turned to. He had been there for her without any questions like always.

Sara realised that she had been using Greg in the past three months in the same way she had been used herself. He had become a tool to rid herself of the emptiness. But she recalled the sight of an unsympathetic lover disappearing into the darkness not to return until he needed someone to help forget. The heart wrenching feelings of those memories had not dulled and Greg had suffered the same way. The relationship they had created outside the boundary of work had been based purely on sex but they had shared so much than that. They had a connection that she didn't seem to be able to walk away from. They had an intense under the sheet that she had never experienced, not even with her husband. The smell of skin, the sound of heart beat had become home.

There were so many questions she had left unanswered not to face the truth that she had fallen in love with Greg.

And it was that realise that finally made Sara start the car.

The traffic barely moved in the streets trapping Sara with her thoughts as the neon blinded her to what she really should have been seeing. Couples strolled down the seat, hand in hand, oblivious to all of the things wrong in the world that surrounded them. The moon glowered in the distant sky the symbol of nature and truth.

Their house was in an almost idyllic part of the city with town houses lined up as if they were in a European city like Paris or London rather than sin city. Sara recalled when they had viewed the house, the feeling that she had finally a placed where she belonged was too much to ignore but here she was on the way to destroying it all.

As Sara opened the door the sound of Liszt's 'Faust Symphony' floating towards her as she was greeted by memories her heart beat stopping for a moment, her chest heaving with pain she took the next step.