Uncle Jack must have carried me back into my room and into my bed because there was no way I would have been able to do it myself. Not in the shape I was in after my seizure. I couldn't have blacked out for long because it was still light outside. I looked down at my breasts and sure enough I still had them. This is a nightmare, a bad dream, I don't know this woman I've become or the path I took to become her. It's clear to me that I've lost a lot of people and I'm just afraid I'm losing myself if I hadn't already.
"Come in," I say as I hear a knock on the door. Uncle Jack opens the door and gives me a big smile. I smile back at him and I open up my arms for him to hug me. He is the only one who can make me feel good anymore. I can melt into his arms when he hugs me back.
"Someone feels better," he commented once we broke our hug.
"Kind of but not really," I admit to him.
"Tell me what you're feeling."
"I feel confused; I mean, I have so many questions."
"Feel free to ask."
"What happened to Miss Maudie?"
"Why are you wondering about her?"
"When Hank found me at the ice cream parlor I realized her house was no longer there. I figured if anyone knew what happened to her it would be you. You loved her once."
"I still do love Maudie," he said as he rubbed his eyes. Maybe I shouldn't have felt free to ask. "She had cancer when you were about fifteen and she died from it when you were sixteen."
"She suffered a long time, didn't she?"
"Yes."
"I feel so sorry for her. Again, I don't really remember that. All I remember was that she was the last peson I saw before my telephone pole accident. I remember saying hello to her but she never said it back. Did she see what happened to me?"
Uncle Jack could only nod. I can only imagine what people around me that day felt. It was scary falling the way I did so I couldn't blame others for being scared at the sight of me hitting the ground. I don't want to think about it anymore because I don't want to make myself upset again.
"Do I look pretty?" I ask as I touch my face.
"You were always pretty."
"Can I have a mirror, please? I would like to see how I look."
"I never thought you would grow up to be vain," Uncle Jack laughed as he got up and looked for a mirror.
"I'm not vain," I retorted. "I'm just curious to see how I look as a woman."
"Ah," he says as he pulls out a hand mirror from the other room; it must be the bathroom? "Here we are."
I was actually excited to see myself. I wonder if I still look like Atticus. From what I was told as a child, Jem was the little boy version of my mother. My mother must have been very beautiful and if my mother had a temperment similar to my brother, she would be even more beautiful to me.
"Tell me if you like what you see," Uncle Jack says as he finally hands the mirror over to me. He laughed when I had to close my eyes so I wouldn't ruin the moment for myself.
I wasn't laughing when I looked in the mirror. I didn't see Jean Louise at all but a very injured and vulnerable Scout. Uncle Jack was tending to Scout and I realized that he had been calling out for someone. I saw the Atticus I knew run to help Uncle Jack tend to Scout as she began to thrust herself in the bed. Scout was having a seizure just like Jean Louise, myself, had. My Lord, what had I done? Why didn't I just stay inside and be good for Calpurnia that day? This never would have happened.
"Are you okay?" Uncle Jack of the now had asked.
"How do I go back there?"
"Where?"
"Home. I'm not home and I'm not this woman: I am Scout, not Jean Louise. I got to get back to her somehow."
"She's inside you."
"No, no, Uncle Jack. It all makes sense to me now. It's the other way around; I'm inside her. How do I get back to her? You're the only one who can help me. I know you can help me."
"I can't help you."
"Yes, you can!"
"You are helping yourself; you needed yourself and you got her. You are Scout, Jean Louise. No one can take that away from you. Remember what I told you."
"I will, Uncle Jack. Thank you."
"No need to thank me, sweetheart," he said with a goodbye kiss. "You're on your way."