WARNING: This chapter contains spoilers for TID Clockwork Princess. If you care about that sort of thing then please do not continue reading!
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Alec stared at his reflection in the long, dark window. He had always been pale, but he looked too faded and white now, like someone had tried to erase him away. How had he come to this? In not very long at all he had gone from Alexander Lightwood: Shadowhunter, good son, big brother and best friend; to Alexander Lightwood: lover, fighter and involved with raising both greater demons and angels in the same week. Now though, he was Alexander Lightwood: empty shell and a poor excuse for a living creature.

His head was pounding, probably a result of last night. It had been a truly stupid thing to do, but he also couldn't help feeling that it had helped somewhat. For the briefest of moments he had not felt unhappy. He couldn't honestly say that he felt happy as such, because he didn't. He wasn't sure if he would ever feel happy again for as long as he lived. But he had not felt like his entire insides were being eaten away for the first time since Magnus had ended their relationship.

He missed him so much.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

To say that he regretted his actions was a serious understatement. He felt like ripping his own eyes out every time he thought about what he had done to Magnus; how he had betrayed this person he loved.

Alec set his face firmly, willing his reflection to not look sea-sick. He had to get over Magnus and soon. Even Jace had tried to talk to the Warlock on Alec's behalf, but he had not been able to move Magnus on his decision to not be with him. There was definitely no hope left now. Not even a small flicker that Magnus may change his mind and forgive Alec.

He shut his eyes tightly and tried to picture Magnus; his ex-lover's face had haunted him since he had been separated from him. But instead he got a flash of last night and he shuddered at the memory.

He lay there paralysed and feeling blissfully calm as the Vampire kissed him deeply. He had never been kissed like this by anyone but Magnus and he felt happy and sad all at the same time; happy because it felt incredible, like he was floating in ecstasy, but sad because this wasn't Magnus. It felt so good though. He felt like he was letting go and being washed away with a warm tide. His eyes felt heavy now though and he closed them, not wanting to fight the urge to sleep. The Vampire opened the buttons on his fly and he opened his eyes with a struggle; but the darkness was too powerful. He didn't really want to stay awake anyway and witness his shameful behaviour. He closed his eyes once more, giving in to the urge to sleep.

He couldn't believe he had ended up kissing that Vampire. Maybe he had even done more than kiss him but hadn't realised. Even if he couldn't remember exactly what had happened, he still felt like he had done something awful. He had done something awful – he had been seduced into taking illegal drugs and putting himself into unnecessary danger. But as for kissing the Vampire, he hadn't really done anything wrong. He wasn't in a relationship; he could kiss anyone he wanted to.

With that he pulled on a leather jacket he had found hanging up in his closet. It was probably one of Jace's that he had borrowed ages ago and had forgotten to give back. He wore an old pair of jeans that had previously been neglected because he had accidently got the wrong size and they were too small for him, but he had lost a lot of weight recently and he could fit them on now though they clung tightly to his legs and hips. A pale blue collared shirt completed his outfit. This had been a present from Isabelle years ago that he had never worn because he had never felt there was occasion. But tonight he wanted to get dressed up. It was vain, he knew, but it felt necessary, like it was a kind of armour.

He slinked carefully and silently out of the Institute and into the cold night air, pulling his blue scarf against the wind. Magnus had given him the scarf and he had never bothered to give it back. And he was never going to. It was his now and the Warlock couldn't have it.
Alec felt triumph rise up within him. It was absurd, he knew, but he felt like it was a small victory over the power Magnus still held over him.

He didn't wander down the dark city streets for long before he felt he was being followed again. Alec stopped abruptly and took a long breath.

"Following me again, Vampire?" he asked to the night air, though this time he was not surprised or angry; he had expected this, counted on it even. And suddenly, there he was again, standing on Alec's right and holding out his hand in invitation. Alec took it and they walked silently together down the deserted sidewalks.

Eventually they arrived at their destination. Alec knew from the set-up and the music blearing from inside that this was some sort of nightclub. He felt the cold excitement that had been there the night before re-surface as they strode past the Security Guards dressed in thick, long black coats and walked inside.

The club was mostly inhabited by other Vampires, with the occasional Fairy or Warlock dotted here and there. The music was loud. So loud, in fact, that it felt like it was blocking out every single one of Alec's thoughts. And that was good. He needed to forget Magnus and this was somewhere he could do that easily.

The music filled him up and made him feel whole again. The Vampire pressed himself up to Alec, moving and swaying to the beat of the music. Alec tried to match his rhythm but couldn't help feeling really awkward and stupid. He could swear he was blushing.

The Vampire smiled at him and pulled a small vial of liquid that seemed to gleam like very shiny metal from his pocket. The Vampire tipped the vial upside down onto the tip of his finger so that a small bubble remained there like a silvery tear drop. He held his finger to Alec's lips suggestively.

Alec opened his mouth and the Vampire slid in his finger slowly, letting him taste the liquid and skin. The taste was strange; the liquid like sour wine and sickening sweetness all mixed together with a more subtle, smoky taste of the Vampire's bare skin beneath that. Alec felt suddenly light and wonderful. He could actually feel his grief slipping away from him and disappearing with a puff before his eyes.

The Vampire's cold lips were on his again and then trailed along his jaw and onto his neck; Alec leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and feeling only sensation as the Vampire's fangs penetrated his skin. It felt good and he didn't pull away; it was the least he could do.

Magnus scratched behind Chairman Meow's ears absent-mindedly. He was watching re-runs of Gossip Girl on the large flat screen TV that now occupied nearly an entire wall in his apartment. But he wasn't really paying attention. He hadn't been able to focus on anything since he had called off his relationship with Alec.

Ouch.

His heart stung every time he thought about him. Magnus let out a long sigh and woke up the cat, who stood up on his lap, stretched dramatically and then jumped down and sauntered off towards the kitchen. He wasn't even good company for the cat.

He had felt betrayed by Alec and he had to call it off. The man he loved more than anyone in the world had actively gone out to seek a way of taking away his immortality. It was inexcusable and he couldn't just forgive the Shadowhunter for that.

But now Magnus wasn't so sure. He hadn't realised how thoroughly miserable being without Alec would have made him. Of course, at first he had been so furious with him that he didn't think about it, but then the sadness and regret had filtered in like water through cracks in a hard surface. For the first time in a long while Magnus felt lost. He didn't know what he was supposed to do with himself now Alec was gone; everything seemed utterly pointless. There was no reason to work through the Book of White anymore because there was no secret in there that appealed to him now Alec was no longer in his life.

What had he done before Alec? He couldn't even remember. He just used to work and throw parties a lot. But he didn't feel like doing either of those.

His stomach gave a small rumble. He would just get some left-over pizza from the night before, there was no point making any more of an effort than that. He had tidied up a little though and had a shower last night following his visit from Jace, who had told him quite bluntly that he should be ashamed of the state of himself and his apartment. He had let things go a bit.
What a vindictive, arrogant, infuriating little shit he was. Coming over to Magnus' loft and threatening him to leave Alec alone. He was leaving Alec alone. It wasn't Magnus' fault that Alec kept calling him and hanging up. He would stop him if he could.

In fact, Alec hadn't tried calling him for an entire twenty four hours now. And he missed it. Despite himself, Magnus looked forward to every single one of Alec's missed calls. He would answer and say, "Hello?" knowing full well who it was on the other end. Of course, Alec never said anything back, but sometimes there was a slight pause and he could hear his light breathing from the other end of the line. He knew he shouldn't even be answering, but it had been oddly comforting. Besides, Magnus had tried to stop answering and then Alec started calling from a different number. He felt he knew the Shadowhunter well enough to know that he couldn't stop the phone calls completely, but that all he could do was to feign cold indifference as best he could.

He really hoped Alec would be ok. He was worried that Alec was starting to go a bit crazy and obsessive, with trying to contact him constantly but too afraid to actually speak. It was a bit stalker-ish, but Magnus had to admit that he hadn't expected that reaction and he was enjoying the attention, though he knew he shouldn't. But he would be here when Alec wanted to have a proper conversation with him; once he had calmed down a bit and wasn't quite as angry with the Shadowhunter.

Magnus' heart sank when he checked his phone. No missed calls or messages. Maybe Alec was moving on after all. That made Magnus sad beyond belief. Did he really not want to be with Alec? It was starting to seem too drastic.

Without really thinking he called a number, suddenly desperate to hear the sound of another voice.

"Hello? Magnus?"

"Hi Tessa, how are you?"

"Fine thank you. And how are you?"

"Me and Alec broke up." He didn't know how or why he said it just like that, but the realisation of his words pained him immeasurably. He found himself staggering and swooning slightly.

"Oh no, how terrible! What happened? Are you ok?"
"I'm fine. Although little Jace visited me yesterday and gave me a stern talking to about leaving Alec alone."
She gave a short laugh. "He really is like Will." Her voice was tinged with an old sadness, but she was also right. Although Alec certainly looked a little like Will Herondale, it was his actual ancestor, Jace, who had inherited his personality and temperament. Alec's family were descended from Will's sister Cecily and there was much more of the Lightwood family traits about them than anything else.

"Only cleaner. He doesn't have Will's artistic messiness and doesn't really appreciate my organised chaos."

"So tell me what happened."
"I'm not sure I want to talk about it…"
"Oh come on, Magnus. Why else would you be calling?"

He explained the story as briefly as he could, the memory was painful and he didn't want to risk dwelling on it for too long.

"So he was having an affair with Camille behind your back?!"
"No! Of course not, it wasn't like that at all."
"Then what exactly did he do wrong? I'm confused…"
"He was meeting with her secretly so he could ask her questions about me. And she told him about the spell from the Book of the White to take away my immortality. He claims he didn't intend to go through with any spell…"

"But weren't you looking at doing it anyway?"
"Yes, well, that's not the point."

"Well maybe if you had told him how you felt and about him, how you wanted to take away your immortality to be with him, he wouldn't have run off to Camille. And you can't blame him for being curious about you. You're hardly forthcoming."

"It still doesn't change the fact that he betrayed my trust."

His own harsh words hurt him like a knife wound to the chest and Magnus flinched at them. Tessa paused, considering for a moment.

"Nonsense. He didn't betray you Magnus. He made a mistake, true, but he is young and we have all made mistakes in our time. Magnus," Tessa said sternly. "He is only eighteen. I don't think he realised what he was doing or how hurt you would be. I honestly don't believe he wanted to cause you any pain or betray you in any way.

"Youth is not an excuse for how he behaved."

"I am not saying it is – you are very old indeed and you make plenty of mistakes."

"You have always had a way with words Tessa."

"My point is that you have lived for a long time and you believe yourself to have fallen in love on a few occasions. But this is the first time you have wanted to become mortal for someone. Love is precious Magnus, and now you know how it feels to truly love someone and be loved by them in return you simply mustn't just let it escape."

Magnus shifted uncomfortably. He knew she was right.

"And if I could have followed Will to the grave I would have. Losing him is my greatest pain because I couldn't follow where he was going."

"I wonder, Tessa, would you have taken away your immortality if you could have?"

"Of course," she answered immediately, without hesitation. "Losing someone is hard, Magnus, but having to endure a lifetime without them is the hardest thing of all. Real love is being able to watch someone die, but it is cruelty itself to watch them die when you know you never will. You have that choice. Please choose love and not hate."

She sounded close to tears. He hadn't heard her be this upset for a very long time, though they hadn't been that close for a great many years now. Despite this, Tessa was one of those friends that you could go for years without speaking to and when you spoke to them it was like no time had passed at all. He felt sad for her; and maybe sad for himself too. Magnus felt tears welling in his eyes.

"This is so stupid! Just listen to the two of us, being so morbid and wallowing in self-pity!" Magnus exclaimed.
Tessa gave a little sniff. "I know it is a little silly to still get upset after all these years, but it just never gets any easier."

He paused, wondering whether to tell her what was really bothering him.

"Magnus? Are you still there?"
"Yes, I'm still here. Tessa, I wanted to ask you…"
"Yes?"

"You said that if you could have taken away your immortality for Will you would have."

"I'd have given everything to be able to grow old with him Magnus."
"If you had known that you were immortal before you met him then do you think you would have let yourself fall in love?"

"Well I didn't really have a choice. You knew Will, Magnus, one couldn't help but love him. Love chose me and I couldn't have stopped it if I had wanted to. In fact, I had wanted to stop it a great many times, but simply couldn't. And I would not give up a single moment I spent with him for the world. He is in my past now and I am sad that my future must be without him. But it doesn't have to be like that for you."
"What if it doesn't work? What if I can't take it away?" he asked. His voice sounded small, weak, almost child-like.

"That doesn't mean you should push him away from you."
"He pushed himself away. If I can't be anything but immortal I fear that we won't survive."
"Exactly. You're afraid."

With that his phone started beeping; he had a call coming through on his other line, though he completely intended to ignore it.

"I'm terrified actually," he told her with a sigh. "And I don't know what to do."
"Well I assume you may actually listen to my advice seeing as you called me?"
Magnus let out a huff. "Go on then."
"Talk to him. I'm not saying that you two need to get back together, but you definitely need to speak to him and let him know what you feel. Everything you feel, Magnus, not just the bits you want him to hear. Because he deserves to know the truth. The entire truth about you."
"Thank you Tessa. I really needed someone to talk to this evening. Maybe you could come along to my next party? I haven't seen you in a while."
"We shall see, dear Magnus! You take care, now. You will be in my thoughts. Both of you will be."
"Good evening Tessa, I'll speak to you soon."

With that he hung up and smoothed a hand through his hair. Tessa was right, of course, he needed to speak to Alec again. He couldn't just leave it as it was, hanging on what had been said in that old subway tunnel.

He felt his phone vibrate and his heart gave a flutter.

Maybe it is him.

He checked out the screen to see it wasn't Alec calling, but his sister Isabelle. He had always liked Isabelle, but got the impression that she absolutely detested him now, since he had broken up with her brother. She had called him up when it had first happened to try and reason with him and Magnus had reacted quite badly and been very rude to her.

He briefly thought about ignoring it but decided to answer.

"Isabelle."
"Oh, hi Magnus… Wasn't sure you'd answer or not." She sounded nervous.
"What is it?" he asked, sounding rather harsh.
"Is Alec with you?"
He paused. No, Alec wasn't with him; it was probably the last place on earth he would be.

"Of course he isn't with me. Why?"
"Just can't find him. Thanks, I have to go…"
"Isabelle, wait."
She had tried to sound breezy but he recognised the tone of panic on her voice. His stomach was doing flips. It was not like Alec to make his sister worry about him and he knew something was wrong.
"What's going on? What do you mean you can't find him?"

"Look Magnus, it was a mistake for me to call you. Sorry. But I have to go now."
"Did you try a tracking rune?"
"Yes, we tried that," she sighed.
"But you still can't find him?" Magnus was trying to bite down the panic that was brewing in the pit of his stomach.
"This really is none of your business Warlock." She told him as she hung up.

This didn't sound good.

Alec was sprawled out across a soft leather seat of a booth, still buzzing from the dancing. His Vampire acquaintance was pouring some more silver powder into his drink, though not as much as he had used at the Den the previous evening. That was probably for the best – he didn't remember too much of it.

He took a sip. It made the drink taste inexplicably sweet; with the caramel-like tang of burnt sugar that he had come to know was the taste of magic.

Whatever that silver liquid had been on the dance floor, it had made him feel completely wonderful. But now he was tired from all the dancing and he felt drained. He instinctively moved his hand to the puncture marks on his neck.

Not really a surprise I feel so exhausted.

He knew the silver powder would allow him to calm down again, let him dream without pain. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help feeling that he needed this. He had always been such a good boy and that had got him absolutely nowhere. He was alone, boyfriend-less, Isabelle and Jace were completely pissed off with him, and he was probably going to die soon anyway. Sebastian and war were on their way and Alec had been so concerned with shutting himself away from the world he hadn't been training properly.

At least if I fall in battle it will be an honourable death.

The Vampire smoothed his hand down Alec's calf gently. He could even feel the cold of his skin through jeans. This Vampire had been so good to him, the least he could do was oblige and let the creature have its fun. He had let it feed and was quite prepared to let him do anything he wanted in return for the drugs he had showered upon Alec.

The thought was terrible, but true.

But as he allowed the Vampire to climb on top of him and kiss him again, Alec had to admit that it really wasn't all that bad. If he closed his eyes he could pretend he was with Magnus.