Where were you born, in the state of fear…

"Bella! I didn't expect to see you tonight." Esme, the children's center founder, gasped when I walked through the door. Esme founded the Seattle Children's Center when she turned twenty one and found out she couldn't ever have children. She used her trust fund money for construction and got all the paperwork from the state done by the time she was twenty three. She was a lovely woman, that cherished all the kids there every day. She made no money from this, except the money the state gave her for the children. She used most of her own cash to entertain them and keep them happy, normal kids.

"Yeah, sorry for the short notice. I was nearby and thought I could come hang out." I shrugged. The dress I was wearing wouldn't be uncomfortable if I was at a bar or talking to the working girls a few streets over. But I was fidgeting like crazy here. I pulled my cardigan tighter around my breasts and pulled my hair out of its band. Rosalie insisted my hair be pulled back tonight, and I had a headache from how tightly it had been styled. "If this is bad timing, I can go…"

"No, no! Please, I could use some help with the children. Leah and Emily aren't speaking. I'm buried in legal forms tonight, so do you think you could maybe go sort that out?" Esme asked me sweetly, gesturing towards the pile of paperwork on the front desk.

"No problem." I grinned, already on my way to the 'Living Room'. Esme designed the place to look like a real house. Bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room, a dining room. She only hired the most qualified child development experts in the area. I was still surprised she allowed me to spend so much time with the kids, even though I was an unemployed seventeen year old with an iffy background check.

I found Seth, Collin and Brady in the living room, watching TV. Seth was seven, and I wondered what he was doing with Collin and Brady who were four year old twins. They were watching SpongeBob, but Seth had this look on his face that explained all.

"Hey, big man," I murmured, sitting down on the couch next to him. I kicked my heels off and put them behind the couch for safe keeping. Seth didn't say anything, he just picked at a scab on his knee, intently. "Something wrong?"

He pouted, angrily. "Sam and Jacob said I couldn't play with them because I was a weenie. They said I'm a little baby and only big kids can play in their club."

I pursed my lips. "Where is there club?"

Seth pointed at the stairs. "In Sam's room. Him and Jacob locked the door and won't let me in."

I smoothed his unruly long black hair. "I'll go see what's going on, Seth. Don't worry. Oh, and do you know where Emily and Leah are?"

He shrugged. "I don't know where Leah is. But I think Emily is in her room."

"Thanks, buddy. I'll be right back." I assured him, getting up from the couch. I walked gently up the stairs, trying not to disturb the younger kids that were asleep on the first floor. I saw Charlotte, one of the caregivers tip toe out of the nursery. She waved at me, silently as I made my way to the second floor where Sam's room was.

I heard young voices behind the door, and I knocked. There was a bang and a the voices got louder.

"Go away, Seth!" I heard Jacob yell from the other side.

"It's Bella!" I told him, knowing that would get me in. Jacob had a horrible crush on me and every time I was here, he followed me like a lost puppy dog. He would do anything I said.

The door swung open and Jacob stood there with an adorable blush on his russet cheeks. I peered behind him and gasped. There were blankets over the beds and pillows all over the floor. Toys and games were scattered everywhere. I saw at least six little heads pop out from under blankets. I raised an eyebrow at Sam, who was standing on his bed like a warrior.

"What do you think you're doing?" I generally asked them. Sam crossed his arms. He had paint on his face and I held back a laugh.

"We're having a Quileute tribe meeting." He announced. "And you aren't invited."

Both eyebrows went up this time. I honestly wasn't sure if he was being serious or just a brat. A big group of the kids here are from the La Push reservation a little while away. There was a fire on the rez a few years back and most of the kids were taken here. Sam was the oldest boy rescued at twelve years old. Jacob and the rest of the boys in the room ranged from ten to eight, and Seth was only seven. Collin and Brady had been the youngest of the kids taken.

"Really? Seth is a member, why isn't he allowed in?" I demanded, crossing my arms right back at him.

"Because! Seth is a baby and only men are allowed in this tribe." Sam huffed. The other boys nodded, but Jacob stayed silent. I decided to corner him.

"Jake? Do you think you could let Seth in your room too? He is from your real tribe, you know?" I reminded him. Jacob's dad is Billy Black, he was injured too badly in the fire to take care of Jacob or his older sisters, Rebecca and Rachel. Billy was a good friend of my Dad's before he was arrested. They used to go fishing together on the dock with Emmett and Jacob.

My Aunt Sue was also married to one of the survivors, Harry Clearwater. She used to babysit Leah and Seth when they were younger, and had been trying to adopt them for months now.

"Don't do it, Jake!" Sam warned him.

Jacob shifted feet. "I guess he could, just this once."

Sam lunged off the bed and tackled Jacob, violently. They rolled around on the floor for a moment before I pulled Jacob off of Sam. He had successfully pinned him after their mindless two minute fight. I was impressed. Jacob was a year younger then Sam, after all.

"I'm the Chief and I say Seth comes in!" Jacob yelled. Sam glared at him and I snickered. Sam was a little snot, but he respected Quileute tradition. Jacob's Great Grandfather had been the last known Chief of there tribe, and Jacob was holding that against Sam. I was very impressed.

"Seth is in the tribe, end of discussion." I said, sternly as I let Jacob go. "Has anybody seen Leah?"

Embry popped his head out from under the bed. "She's putting make up on."

I didn't believe that for one second, but I left to go check the bathroom anyway. Sure enough, Leah was in there, unsuccessfully putting eyeliner on her lids. She was going all over the place and she looked like a clown. Leah was a complete tom boy, where as her cousin, Emily was very girly. I spent a lot of my time curling Emily's hair for her. I was shocked that Leah was even showing an interest in make up.

"Want some help?" I asked, leaning against the door frame. She looked back at me and scowled.

"I hate you." She mumbled.

My eyed widened. Leah might not be my kid and I might be a kid myself, but hearing Leah say that broke my heart. "Why?" I asked, softly. I went over to the counter and leaned against it. Leah threw down the eyeliner and glared at me.

"You're the reason Emily is so pretty! You're always curling her hair and picking out her outfits! That's why Sam dumped me!" She cried, her voice shooting up an octave.

I sighed. I knew exactly where this was going. "Sam broke up with you for Emily?"

Leah had tears welling up in her eyes. "Now I have to put this stupid crap on my face so he'll take me back!"

I leaned forward, cautiously and brushed Leah's bangs out of her eyes. She had tears running down her cheeks and I wiped them away. I knew exactly how it felt to be so hurt at that age. When I was twelve, Renee took me away from Dad to live with her and Phil. I was almost raped and my Father was sent to jail that same year. But I really couldn't imagine what Leah was going through. Her and Sam had been 'Dating' since they were two. Sam was her comfort zone and he dumped her for the pretty girl, who just happened to be her cousin.

"Leah, listen to me." I said, putting my hands on her shoulders. "You don't have to do anything for boys. If he doesn't like you, that's his problem. Don't ever be something your not to impress any guy, because they're not worth it. If he likes Emily, then be happy for Emily! I know it sucks, but sometimes you just have to deal with it. Chances are, he's going to get tired of Emily soon anyway."

Leah's lip quivered. "But he was my boyfriend. I told all the girls at school. I was cool because Sam was my boyfriend. Now I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to be a huge loser!"

"Sam isn't worth it. Take it from me, honey. Boy's are stupid and only want one thing. Granted, you're a little young for them to be going after it, but he might be an early riser, if you know what I mean. They only want to get in your pants. And it's your choice whether you let them or not. Understand?" I demanded. "You're twelve years old. You have your whole life to fall in love. Sam is just a notch in your heart."

She nodded, sniffling. "But I have to see him every day, Bella."

I shrugged. "Ignore him. And if he says anything to you, tell me. I'll kick his ass. Better yet, you kick his ass. You have my full permission."

Leah laughed between her sniffles. "Okay. I'll try."

I smiled. "Do your worst, kid."

I left her to wipe the junk off her face and found Emily sitting on her bed, reading a book. She and Leah shared a room, just like Sam and Jacob did. I could only pray Leah didn't kill Emily in her sleep tonight. I knocked on the door frame and Emily looked up at me, smiling.

"Hey, Bella!" She chirped. "Look! I'm reading Romeo and Juliet. It's kind of hard to understand, but since they put me in advance placement, they told me to try reading this."

I grinned. "That's one of my favorites, Em. But can we talk for a minute?"

She set the book down and sat up. "Sure. Did you know Sam and I are dating?"

"Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about." I nodded. "I just talked to Leah."

Emily rolled her eyes. "She's mad because Sam dumped her. I told her, she needs to get over it. Sam wants me now."

I raised an eyebrow. "Leah was really upset. She was in tears, you know."

Emily's confident expression faltered. "Really? I didn't mean to make her cry."

I shook my head. "She isn't crying because of you. She's crying because of Sam. He really hurt her, Em."

"I didn't know how bad she felt. I just thought she was jealous I had a boyfriend now." Emily shrugged, fear building in her eyes. "Maybe I should talk to her."

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and ran down the hall to the bathroom. After a minute of hearing no yelling or screams, I decided it was okay to let them be. I jogged down the stairs and found Collin and Brady still in the living room, but Seth nowhere in sight. That was good.

"Hey, guys." I grinned, sitting down on the floor next to them. "Who's this?"

Collin smiled. "That's Johnny Test, silly."

"Johnny Test? Wow! Look at his crazy hair!" I cried, ruffling his black locks. He giggled and Brady reached over to tug my hair. I tugged his back, gently and he laughed. Esme came in, smiling.

"It's getting late, Bella. Would you like to stay the night? I'm sure the children would love that." She suggested.

I thought about it. Emmett was too trashed to even grasp that I wasn't there and Rosalie would probably be over the moon. I didn't have anything going on tomorrow, because it was a teacher work day. Collin and Brady were begging me to already, so I looked up at Esme and nodded.

"I'd love to."

"So, you volunteer at the Children's Center?" Dr. Cullen asked, smirking as I sat myself down on the couch.

I raised an eyebrow. "How did you…?"

He held up a hand to stop me. "My Mother runs the place. She mentioned a young girl by the name of Bella that stayed there the other night. I also saw you exiting the place yesterday morning on my way to work."

I sighed. "Yeah, I like hanging out with the kids. Wait, Esme is your Mom?"

Add that to the list of things I never wanted to know.

He nodded. "She sure is. I'm surprised Alice didn't say anything to you. She is incredibly fond of you, by the way."

I shrugged. "I don't really talk to anyone in that house about my life. Rosalie and Emmett only know I do because I tried to talk Rosalie into being a foster parent. She refused."

"Why do you like to help out there?" He asked, running a hand through his hair. I'd like to run my hands through that…

No! Bad Bella!

"I told you, I like the kids." I said, uncertainly. "Well…I guess if I think about it, I'd want someone to come talk to me if I was in a place like that. I mean, with the things those kids have gone through."

Dr. Cullen nodded, eagerly. "So, you feel you can relate to them?"

I shrugged. "I suppose. They're sweet kids, I wish someone would come in and take them home. Though I'd hate to see them separated. They're so attached to each other."

He smiled at me softly. "I think its wonderful that you spend your free time taking care of children."

"I think its wonderful you spend your free time taking care of me." I blurted out. He looked surprised.

"You think I'm taking care of you?" He asked, obviously touched.

"Well, that's what you're supposed to do, right?" I choked out, awkwardly. "Besides, don't you think this is a little awkward?"

He shook his head, letting his bronze locks shimmy with the movement. "Not in the least. We have family connections. They're loose enough that I'm not biased with your situation, but there tight enough that I can use my own personal information to relate and advise."

I laughed, nervously. "Well, you certainly have it figured out."

He leaned forward and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "As corny as it sounds, Bella, I'm here for you. I am here to help you in any way you need."

I stared into his dark green eyes. They were always so light and open, but now they were so dark. They were smoldering and it was almost like I was hypnotized with his deep green orbs. I leaned forward the teensiest bit and he did the same. We were closer and closer before suddenly I realized our noses were touching. I shot back instantly and he straightened up.

He cleared his throat and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was incredibly sexy to see him so frustrated.

"I had plans for you today…" He murmured, going over to his desk and flipping through his notes. "Ah, yes! I'd like to address your Mother a little more, if that is possible."

I shook my head. "What's there to discuss?"

He sat back down, watching me. "In Rosalie's report, she expressed that you have an unnatural hatred towards your Mother. And in previous sessions, you have expressed the same. Can you tell me a little about your Mother?"

I shrugged, picking at a piece of lint on my sweater. I glanced around the room and noticed his PhD was crooked on the wall. "What do you want to know?"

He shook his head and shrugged at the same time. "What she looks like, maybe? How she acts or how she presents herself? Maybe a few little facts about her? It would all help me get to the source of your problems, aka your Step Father."

I rolled my eyes, but not in an annoyed fashion. I was simply thinking of anything I knew about my Mom that would make it seem like I knew her at all. "She has naturally red hair, but it's been blonde since I can remember. Her eyes are blue, but not a pretty blue. More like a sea green, kind of turquoise blue. She's always has a horrible spray tan all year round. She wears way too much make up and dresses like a show girl. I guess that's where I got my fetish for heels from."

He nodded, egging me on. "What about her behavior? And personal traits or pet peeves she has?"

"She's oblivious. She has no sense of direction and is completely unaware of everything around her. She has a new obsession every month. I remember she was particularly in to bondage and whips for a long time though. She used to bring men home when Phil wasn't around and the walls were so thin, it was either get the hell out or listen to Renee moan."

Dr. Cullen made a confused expression. "So she was cheating on your Step Father?"

"All the time. But it didn't matter, he was cheating on her too. Once, I was walking home through Central Park and I saw him with not one, not two, but three women! All at the same time, no less. It was a huge coincidence, considering he worked his ass off in Brooklyn, or so I was led to believe. We lived in the West Village, but more near Little Italy and SoHo. We were about to get evicted and I was pissed that they dragged me from Seattle to come live with them even though they didn't have a penny to their name."

"How did your Mother get custody if they were as down on their luck as you say?" He demanded, skeptically.

"Renee's Brother, my Uncle Alec, is a sleazy lawyer that does a lot of under the table business. He had some connections and got me out there in no time." I explained, throwing up my hands.

"And you're Uncle, did he ever hurt you?" Dr. Cullen asked, suddenly surprised by the new actor in the soap that was my life.

"Nah, Uncle Alec was pretty cool actually. He knew I didn't want to be there, but Renee was his sister and they were pretty tight. He brought me to work with him a few times and usually came and got me when Renee had a visitor. I first got there when I was eleven, and I didn't want to go walking through New York on my own."

"So, you have extended family?" He realized.

"Yeah, I have my Aunt Sue and my Uncle Alec. Plus, I have my Grandpa Nico in Little Italy. He came over in the forties with my Grandma and wanted to stay close to home, you know?" I shrugged.

Dr. Cullen looked at me over his black frames. "So, you're Italian?"

"Yeah, yeah, leave the gun, take the cannoli, I've heard it all." I waved him off. "And I have Renee's parents in Paris."

He chuckled, amazed. "You have quite a diverse background, I see. But we'll talk about that later on. We were talking about your Mother, remember? Can you tell me anything about her past?"

I shook my head. "All I know is that she was born in Manhattan while her Dad was on business and has been going back and forth ever since. She hates her Mother, so I guess that's just a genetic thing."

He frowned at me, disapprovingly. Before I could say anything else, the door creaked open. Angela peeked her head in, shyly. "Dr. Cullen? You're next appointment is here."

He stood up and smiled at me as Angela shut the door. "Well, I suppose our time is up. Have a good day, Bella. I'll see on Monday."

I hoisted my backpack over my shoulder and waved, awkwardly. I kicked myself, internally. Who waves at people anymore? I mumbled a quick goodbye and thought about what I had said to him as I pulled out my phone to call Emmett. I had told him way more then I had planned, that was for sure. I never intended to tell him about Renee or her past or any of my family. This was insane. It was like all he had to do was look at me and he knew everything. I just felt so entirely comfortable with him, it was scary. Men were not in my comfort zone. Sure, having sex with them was one thing. But talking to them was completely different and horribly frightening.

Dr. Cullen was the exception.

You know how sometimes, you wish you had magic powers, just so you could zap yourself anywhere but where you are?

This was one of those times.

"Miss Swan," The teacher grumbled. "You are not getting out of this. What is the answer?"

I tried to do it in my head, but my thoughts were too jumbled up to even speak. I had been thinking about the strange dream I had last night and not paying the least bit of attention to Calculus. I didn't even know what the problem was. My dream was consuming my thoughts and I was sure my face was permanently stained red.

***

"Do you have anything you'd like to share with me, my love? Like, perhaps those beautiful breasts you have, teasing me through that sweater?" Dr. Cullen purred. We were in his office and I was lying on the couch like always. Dr. Cullen was sitting in his chair without a shirt on. He got up out of the chair and stalked over to the couch where he kneeled over me and pressed himself on to my body. Just the smell of him drove me absolutely wild with want, and I whimpered as he peppered my neck with delightful little kisses. It was the sheer anticipation that made it unbearable.

"Are you going to answer me?" He asked, seductively. That gorgeous crooked smile appeared on his face and I just about melted. His voice was like honey, saturating my very core. His hair was so soft like silk and I ran my fingers through it as he repeated himself. Only this time, his voice was lower.

"Are you going to answer me?" He demanded, a lot gruffer then the first or second time. Suddenly, the material under me was cold and I felt tile digging into my back. I glanced around and saw the familiar setting of the Renee's kitchen in New York. I closed my eyes and squeezed them so tightly shut, I saw stars behind my lids. I wouldn't dare look back up, because the weight on my waist was much heavier and roughly shifted.

"Are you going to answer me?" I knew what voice. I peeked my eyes open and saw Phil sitting once again on my little thirteen year old body. I was lying under him helplessly. I realized I was seriously thirteen again. My hair was a short, wispy mess and I could feel the eyeliner caked on my lids. I struggled under him and he slapped me across the face. Before anything could happen…

***

I woke up.

"Are you going to answer me?" The teacher snapped. My eyes welled up and I couldn't breathe.

"Miss Swan!" The teacher barked. "Answer me, or pack up your things and go to the office."

I was boiling. It was an impulse, but I did it. I grabbed my bag off the back of my chair and stormed out of the room in tears. Remembering that night so vividly made me want to curl up in a ball and die. That say, my life was ruined. Everyone I was associated with had their lives ruined. I choked back my tears and went to the office, dutifully. Mrs. Cope, the secretary wasn't surprised when I came through the door. She looked at my watery eyes sympathetically and pressed the button for the intercom.

"Principal Garner?" She said. "Bella Swan is here to see you."

I didn't wait for her to say anything. I just walked into the office and sat right down in the chair. I didn't care that the Principal was watching me, I burst into tears. Principal Garner was a young woman and she had been informed by Emmett about my sudden bursts of emotion. She didn't know the whole story, but she knew that I couldn't help it. She reached across her desk and patted my arm.

"Would you like me to call your Brother?" She asked, softly. She smoothed out her kinky black hair, thoughtfully. She had an infatuation with Emmett that I wanted nothing to do with. I shook my head. There was only one person I wanted to talk to.

"Can you call a Dr. Cullen for me?"

I was sitting in Dr. Cullen's Volvo, bawling my eyes out on to his shoulder. I was shocked when he answered the phone and right away said he would be honored to come and get me. He pulled up in his shiny silver car and had been comforting me for the last ten minutes. It seems like no matter how hard I cried, it just wouldn't end. The water just kept on leaking out, causing me to gasp for breath and mumble things in Dr. Cullen's shoulder.

"What happened, Bella?" He murmured, smoothing my hair back.

I gasped for air and he patted my back. "Last night, I just had this horrible dream. I was thirteen again and Phil was on top of me! Y-you were there and it started really good without a shirt and then it was cold and I was scared and I didn't know who else to call!"

He made a soft shhhh noise and gently wiped my tears away. "Start from the beginning. You had a dream that started very nicely…?"

I couldn't stop myself. It just shot out of my mouth. "We were about to have sex in your office and then all of a sudden you were Phil and we were in the kitchen again. I was thirteen and Dad wasn't there, so it was really going to happen! I woke up crying and I've been jumping out of my seat all day. I'm just so…scared."

He was silent for a moment. Then he very calmly asked. "We were having sex?"

I his myself in his chest, too embarrassed to look at him. I inhaled his scent, hoping to keep it with me for times of comfort. "I know it seems weird, but it just happened and-"

And I couldn't think of an excuse. Because truth be told, having sex with Dr. Edward Cullen would be the only thing I could ever be sure about.

"Vodka." I grumbled as I pulled myself on to one of the bar stools. I was at Peter's Pints, my regular bar in downtown Seattle. It was a Mom and Pop business, run by Peter and his wife Charlotte. I've been coming here for about a year now, so Peter and Charlotte were pretty familiar with me. I banged my head on to the oak paneling of the bar counter and Peter set my shot down in front of me. He leaned over on both elbows and raised an eyebrow.

"What's the matter, cupcake?" He asked in his thick Boston accent. I downed the tiny drink, savoring the burn as it went down my throat I banged it back down on the table and Peter refilled it. He knew I was underage, but he could care less. No one ever came in and checked on the place, so he was free to do what he wanted.

"Everything, Peter." I groaned. "I wish I didn't exist."

He put his chin on his fist. "Should I call a hotline?"

I banged my head back down after downing another shot. "No." I mumbled into the wood. I heard heels clicking behind me and the squeak of the stool next to me turning.

"Bella, doll, what's the matter?" I heard Charlotte ask as she smacked her gum. I peeked up at her and almost smile at her comforting attire. Her blond hair was curled and teased, wild all around her head. Her blue eyes did not contrast well with the horribly eighties blue eye shadow caked around her lids. She had a light, but not subtle pink lipstick on that actually went well with her skin tone.

Peter and her were perfect for each other. Charlotte was just so…Charlotte. And Peter loved her to death, that was for sure. Peter had slicked back blonde hair that looked oily and dirty in my light. He had a thin mustache and bushy eyebrows that made him even more irresistible to Charlotte. He was wearing a dark gray sweater with a black vest, while Charlotte sported a bubble gum pink and brown leopard print dress that hugged her nicely.

They opened the business a few years back when they won the lottery in Boston. They packed up their van and moved to a place where they could start over and make a name for themselves. Seattle seemed like a nice choice apparently, because they've been here ever since. Charlotte was in nursing school actually. She got tired of being second string in the bar business and wanted to try her luck at medicine. She was pretty good actually. A few months back, a guy roughed me up pretty good out back and Charlotte stitched me up. Emmett never even asked when I got the stitches.

"Boy problems? Listen, sweet cheeks, he ain't worth it. Whoever he is, wherever he is, forget about him!" Peter exclaimed. I smiled a little. Only Peter would give me such big brother advice. Emmet certainly wouldn't.

"It's not boy problems, Petey, I know boy problems." Charlotte rolled her eyes. "She's got the blues."

"The blues?" He asked.

"The blues! She needs some more to drink. Petey, get on it." Charlotte ordered him. He complied, pulling out a few bottles from under the counter and setting them in front of me.

"This is your wonderland, baby." He grinned. "Take your pick. Anything, on the house!"

I grabbed a bottle of Whiskey and drank it straight. Charlotte gave me a snort like laugh when I winced at the taste. It might have been sour and rough, but it got the job done. I was getting good and drunk tonight.

Earlier, after the Volvo/Sex Dream fiasco with Dr. Cullen, I went home to get changed. Rosalie was in the kitchen with Alice. Alice tried to wave me in and talk, but I ignored her. I went straight to my room and threw my backpack on the ground before riffling through my closet for something appropriate to wear. I figured, if I'm getting drunk tonight, I probably won't remember who I hooked up with. But, a girl like me has to make herself appealing to certain audiences. I'm no Rosalie. Thank the Lord for that.

I had put on fresh make up and a dangerously short dress, making sure it was cheap and easy to take off. Tonight, all I wanted was a quick and easy man, who didn't give a damn about what I wanted. Oh, wait.

That's all men.

When Charlotte finally left me to sulk and Peter tended to other customers orders, the seat next to me was once again filled. The man had greasy blonde hair and big, beaty black eyes. He had to be in his thirties of forties, judging by his small beer belly. He wore a wedding ring, which meant this guy was safe and he probably didn't have any STD's. Most likely, he probably had his nuts hacked, if you know what I mean. Older guys like him are usually out to experiment with what his wife feels uncomfortable with. He probably even had a few kids around my age. Boy, do I feel sorry for those kids.

But, he was the best I could get tonight.

****

"Do you understand?" I heard his gruff voice demand as he tied my hands to the headboard. I liked this position. Being submissive was the best, really it was. It was a perfect situation for me and probably thousands of other women. Being tied down, I felt so completely helpless, but yet so massively in control. This guy was tending to me. No matter what sort of pleasure he took from it, he was serving me. It sent chills down my spine.

It was like a high I hated to come down from. I was never particularly attracted to the men in general, but the way they acted. They acted as if they were used to being in charge. It was exhilarating, like I had a secret they couldn't get out of me. I was in charge, not them. They were here for me and it was exciting. I didn't pay too much attention to what was happening to my body. That part wasn't very good until my release. It seemed like I had to get through a lot of pointless movement before I finally felt it build up and rock my world so entirely.

I liked to go other places while this happened. My head was buzzing from the alcohol, but was still pretty coherent. I vaguely remember Charlotte calling a cab for me, but sneaking away before she could make me enter it. She didn't like me going to motels with these men. It was scary, for me and for everyone around me. I knew I scared Emmett half to death every night when he didn't know where I was. And Peter and Charlotte were like two watchful guardians, always making sure I was safe in their bar under their watch. But outside, they didn't know what I was doing. And Dad? God only knows how he feels. I know Emmett tells him things when he visits him. I know Rosalie even spat a few words out the rare times she went with Emmett. But I had to do these things for me.

I had to do these things for life to make sense.

A perk with older guys is that they're experienced. They aren't fumbling with the condom and timidly groping me all night long. They take charge, and they take charge efficiently. It made me feel important.

Sometimes, if you find a Father or a husband, they make sure you're alright before you leave. A few times, men have gotten me coffee or something to eat afterwards. It's usually the Father's that do this, because c'mon, if you're cheating on your wife, how caring can you be? One time, a man held back my hair while I vomited in the bathroom. I had gotten sick from the drinking that night, but he didn't seem to mind. That whole evening was ruined, however, when I burst into tears at this meaningless gesture of kindness. I had been so touched that he would actually hold my hair back, that it made me wonder what it would be like to really be in love. Real, passionate, live love.

Emmett and Rosalie were in love. Rosalie was heartless bitch, but she took care of Emmett and that made me feel safe. Emmett doted on her, he would kill for his Rose.

Were Renee and Phil in love? I couldn't tell you. It didn't look like it, and I doubted they even could be. But no one stays together that long for convenience. There was a spark there and I knew deep down those two ass wipes were meant for each other in a sick, conniving way.

As I let thoughts and memories take over my mind, I recalled him asking me a question.

No, sir.

No, I don't understand.

Beautiful people, thank you for reading. I'd really appreciate it if you reviewed though. Reviews put smiles on my face and they make Bella understand. Note: I do not live in New York City and I get all my information from Law and Order. But, I do have strange obsession with the city, so if you live there and want to give me some fun little facts, feel free to do so. I'm looking for names of apartment buildings and restaurants. If you can give me any, thank you. I hope I kick start your Monday!

Review!