thanks for the reviews.

honestly, all of your support keeps me going.

now then, for this chapter, I thought I would try something a little different. From a different perspective, perhaps?

My name is Remus John Lupin, and I have never met anyone in my entire life who can fuck things up like I can. I've made more mistakes than just about anyone in the world; falling in love with Nymphadora Tonks currently sits at number one, however. My kind aren't meant to fall in love, and even if, by some freak chance, we let our guards down and we are stuck by cupid's bow, we don't do anything about it, do we? If I had any sense at all, I would have shot her down. I wouldn't have let her kiss me. I would have gone away for good, instead of always ending up back at her flat, with her in my arms, my heart about to explode because she is in my arms, and guilt pouring down on me like icy water because my heart is about to explode. I am a terrible person, if you even want to call me a person. I know how this will end. I've heard the stories before, and I have enough insight to see that I will either make her hate me by leaving her (which will make me hate myself even more, actually), or I will cave, and marry her, and by doing that, I will single-handedly destroy her life.

What exactly does one recommend I do in such a situation? It's like I'm choosing how to kill her. How exactly do you choose how to kill the woman you love? I know she says that she wouldn't mind being an outcast, but I know, I can just tell that one day she'll resent me, which is, for me, a fate worse than death. I have the wand in my hand down; I'm aiming it at her throat. What do I choose? Avada Kedavera, for quick, and virtually painless, or Crucio slowly torturing her into insanity, while I stand by, regretting every second?

"Tonks?" Sirius raised an eyebrow at me. This was the first moment we'd had alone together since Harry had arrived at Grimmauld Place. It was by no means the best timing, but all the same, my best mate had a right to know. "Honestly, Moony? My cousin, Tonks?"

"Dora," I mumbled under my breath. But of course, Sirius had no knowledge of the friendship I had with Nymphadora Tonks. He didn't know that I called her Dora, while she had taken to calling me Moony, just as he did. "Yes."

"Well, mate, that's bloody ridiculous. She's what, half your age?"

"Yeah, rub it in, why don't you?" I asked fiercely, not wanting to add that I had done the math, and she was NOT half my age. "Not to mention I'm a werewolf. Forgetting that important little factor? I can kill her easily? Just one little mistake, Sirius – and she, she could be doomed to this life! Don't you think I've thought about all of this already? Besides, Sirius – she's...she would never return the feelings!" My brain was working faster now. "It's nothing, besides. I shouldn't have even brought it up -"

"No, you should have. Because she's my cousin, and the closest thing I have to family." He was obviously leaving out Bellatrix and the Malfoys. "Listen, mate...I think you're wrong."

"What?"

"She would never return the feelings," He scoffed. "I think I know my cousin."

It has been exactly two months and twenty days since I have seen her. Of course, not a day goes by (not a second, actually, but we won't get into that) that I don't wonder what color her hair is, where she is, how she's holding up, and if she hates me yet. To be fair, I never told her I would be gone so long. Today, it's snowing, as it should be, considering it's December 20th. When I knocked on the door at The Burrow, I felt the guilt in the pit of my stomach because I came here first, and she doesn't even know if I'm alive.

Well, until she's the one who opens the door, that is. Her look of happiness is gone completely, and all of sudden, I'm the one who's happy...it's like I stole it from her. "Hello, Remus," She said in a stony voice, letting me in. Before I had time to say a word to her, or even to touch her hand, like I have dreamt of doing for two months and twenty days, Fred and George dragged me inside, and Molly was forcing food at me. I'd forgotten what being in the Weasley house was like. "Thanks for having me over, Molly...I have to go," Dora kissed Molly on both cheeks, and started to wrap a scarf around her neck.

"Tonks, dear, won't you stay for Christmas?" I was shot a sideways glance that chilled me to the bone.

"No, I mean – I already have a tree set up in my flat and everything! Besides, you have so many people here already...I really have to go -"

"Tonks!" Was that honestly my voice? Why did it feel like I was a bloody fifth year all over again? I cleared my throat. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" Before she had a chance to respond, I dragged her outside, where it was still snowing. I saw Harry and Ron appear in a window, followed by Hermione and Ginny. I swallowed, and looked back at Dora, who looked furious.

"You're back." She noted scornfully.

"Yes." I didn't feel comfortable talking to her when I knew Molly was watching us from the kitchen window. "Can we...go somewhere? To talk?"

"No." She said curtly. "Remus...I...did you honestly think I was going to be just fine with it when you came back? You could have come to see me once, couldn't you? Or just a little message that says 'Don't worry, I'm not dead'"

"I know I've just been -"

"You always have an excuse." I noticed that her hair was black. I hadn't seen her with black hair since she was fifteen years old. "Remus, I'm tired of this. If you honestly cared enough – Dumbledore would have been FINE with it if you had come back. Just for a minute. Just so I wouldn't worry! You were around Greyback, for god's sake! It's his fault that -" Her breath came quicker. "I just -"

"Dora, please. Stay for Christmas..." I ignored all of the people in the burrow and took her into my arms. She pushed me away, and I saw tears in her eyes.

"I can't – you don't understand, Remus. I've put my emotions on the line so many times! What do you want me to do? Be available so when you feel like it, you can see me? Is that why you want me to stay? So you can fuck me and then pack up, no guilt?"

She was being unfair. "Honestly, Dora, you know that I -"

"I don't want to hear it. I have to go, now. I'll have a lovely Christmas by myself. Goodbye, Lupin."

I never thought the sound of my last name could hurt me so much.

Molly wasn't supportive at all. She sat down across the table from me, when she finally decided to talk to me, on Christmas Eve. She slid a cup of tea across the table. "Remus. We have to talk about Nymphadora."

I fought the urge to correct her; tell her to call Dora Tonks. "Alright." For the second time in such a four days, I felt like a child. I had sincerely thought I was past the stage in my life when I got lectures. "What about her?"

"Do you have any idea what you're doing?"

I chose not to answer.

"Remus..." she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Are you aware that Nymphadora is in love with you?"

I delayed answering, but Molly looked at me with such ferocious eyes that I thought she might attack me. "Yes." Her eyes then prompted me. "What do you want me to say, Molly? That I love her? I don't mean to sound rude, but how is this your business?"

"The poor girl came here the day you left. She comes almost every day, you know. We all care about her, you know. We don't want her heartbroken. I also wouldn't mind seeing her with pink hair again, to be honest." Molly sipped her tea and raised her eyebrows at me.

"I don't want to talk about this. I am a grown man." I stood up, and walked to the window, looking at the footprints she had left four days earlier.

"Remus will you be reasonable -"

"No."

"If you don't return her feelings, it sounds as though you've been leading her on." She clucked.

"I'm not – I mean, I wouldn't..."

"Remus..."

I spun around to face her. "Of course I bloody love her," I hissed. "Molly, I can't do this to her, don't you understand that?"

"You can't do what, exactly?"

I sighed loudly. "I can't make her miserable."
Molly frowned. "Haven't you already?"

I had another one of my dreams that night. James sat next to me. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing, mate?"

"I'm trying to keep her safe, Prongs."

"You sound like me," He laughed.

"What?"

"You remember how I was at first with Lily? I didn't want to get involved with her because I was ashamed," he paused, thinking about the next words "I was ashamed of all of the bad things I had done. Particularly to Severus."

"It's different." I said defiantly.

James smiled thinly. "Is it really? Are you sure you actually think she'd be miserable? Do you honestly think she'd come to hate you? Moony, this girl is in love with you, and whether you like it or not, you are in love with her. Are you perfectly sure that you aren't just ashamed of what you are? You told me, in seventh year, that you were ashamed you had 'dragged all of us down.' Aren't you just thinking the same thing with her?"

I had to be extra-careful not to call Harry James the next morning.

(And there it is. A chapter from Lupin. More to come REALLY soon...because I can't seem to stop myself from writing...haha. REVIEW, PLEASE!)