Same as with FDD-likely will not be any more author's notes unless necessary. Warnings will of course still appear.

Enjoy. :)

Warnings: Distorted eating, assault, PTSD flashbacks/nightmares

Chapter 4

Sage's soul shuddered in Dusk's care, any mask he'd worn to handle court removed in my arms. He'd been forced to interact with others all day, more than enough to get somebody neurotypical but for him— for us— who couldn't handle prolonged interaction it was an energy death sentence. The Nether Spirits lingering like ghosts, vampires almost, made being on guard easier but people forgot how tiring it was.

'I am taking care of you tonight and you can't stop me.'

He squeezed me tighter, still not letting go. 'I won't.'

I rubbed his back in slow strokes. It had taken me years to work my way into his heart, allowing himself to be taken care of. He'd only allowed Cye to even attempt publicly, before, his position as second oldest weighing on him more than Sage let on. He was there to protect and was glad to protect, but that didn't mean he didn't have his own troubles. It had taken both Cye and I to have him realize it was alright to come to others younger than him, outside of quiet moments with Rowen.

Sage pulled away and ran his fingers through his hair, brushing his bangs back over his eye immediately after. He straightened his spine and put the mask back on, neither of us able to break too long in public.

Ryo still put a concerned hand on his shoulder. "How're you feeling?"

Sage swallowed. "Could be better."

"Let's—"

A door creaking had us jump and check both, only to discover nobody was watching. The unspoken wonder if Michael had found us again hung in the air, Tessa shifting to be closer to Rowen's side at the memory and his arm around her waist tightening.

"Damn Nether Spirits," Rowen muttered under his breath. "They're—"

'We're in public,' I reminded the group sharply. 'We can talk at my place.'

Rowen sobered, the others less so but still quieting. I stuck to Sage's side as we all remembered the public eye around us, reminding me of a disturbing trend over the past few weeks: reporters picking up on where we'd recuperate. "How's the hall?"

Kento checked. "Waiting for us."

I scrunched my eyes shut. "We might need to start getting Catherine to come out this door…"

Ryo chuckled dryly. "C'mon. The sooner we get out of here, the better."

I noticed Kento sticking particularly close to Sage at the front, making it my boyfriend didn't have to take on any reporters directly as we left the room. Cye, as well, trailed closer to Sage's back, the exact opposite of what they'd done when Rowen had been on the stand. I should've been used to their subtle signs of caring for each other, by now, but the majority of my life was still dominated by neglect. It just made their gestures even sweeter.

Sage stuck to his idea of casual wear when we got back, collared shirt and khakis instead of the t-shirts and flannel pants of the past month. I still curled up against his side, putting up with the rougher textures for his sake, as he did the softer fabrics for mine. We had all established usual places except the Three Stooges, who alternated between grabbing a spare chair and sitting on the floor. It was Ryo's turn beside me; Cye was at the end of the couch, which was slowly becoming his unofficial spot; Kento chose the easiest place to sprawl, legs stretched out in front of him on the floor reminding me why I didn't have a coffee table.

"I'd forgotten how many Nether Spirits hung around mom," I murmured, not to anyone in particular but loud enough for them all to hear.

"They're throwing off our armours," Rowen said, a concerned glance at Tessa. The implication of how thankful he was that Dawn had a resistance to their influence was obvious in his kiss to her hair.

Ryo shook his head. "They've been getting worse the longer the trial goes on."

"The closer my testimony gets…"

Cye paused for a moment, thinking. "They were starting to show up at my testimony, too. Hardly there for Ryo's and Kento's."

"Not really around for mine, either," Tessa replied.

I snorted. "That's cause Rupert probably thought he had you without them. Thank God there's absolutely nothing they can tie you to, even if you are protective and vocal about that." My eyes squeezed shut, trying to press away the thoughts forming. "They'll probably be worse for mine."

Sage kissed my hair. "Dusk is stronger than she used to be."

"So's mom…"

Sage's arm tightened, room going grim. Even with so much time to recover, nearly a month around an abuser was enough to drive anyone to the brink of exhaustion. Flickers of helplessness rose in Sage's soul again, for how his armour was more susceptible to Nether Spirits than mine. Tessa and I only had each other as backup— even after four years of purifying the guys' armours to the point I couldn't sense any Nether Realm influence, they were always aware of their powers' roots.

As much as they tried, none of them could truly protect us from Nether energy.

I picked my head up to kiss Sage's jaw. 'You give me the strength to face them.'

He turned his head towards me, pulling me closer. 'Literally or figuratively?'

'Both.' I nuzzled into him. 'You give me your energy when I need it, and you give me a reason to stand up for myself. Because I don't… I don't ever want you to be without me.'

His lips met my forehead. 'I don't want to ever be without you. And I don't want you to be without me, either.'

Thoughts about how we might as well be engaged for how we talked floated half formed in my mind, much to Sage's amusement. To my surprise he didn't continue to tease me about it, instead simply settling into my arms and letting his mind turn off in exhaustion.

"Want some music, Sage?" Cye asked softly. My boyfriend nodded and Cye got up to put on Sage's favourite playlist— a collection of Japanese instrumental melodies that spanned from ancient to modern times. When he was in a particularly good mood he'd explain the context of each piece, the musical conventions applied at the time, and the purposes for their composition, but today he simply relaxed into the melody.

I stayed close to his mind as it fell away to his sensory world, fingers twitching as if he were playing the flute parts himself. Each note traveled through his soul in a way only music to a dancer and artist could, his heart finding peace after the chaos of the trial.

The rest of the world didn't matter, right now. It was just us and sound, him in love with the melody and me in love with him.

—

"Where are you taking me?"

Sage's smile from his position in the driver's seat did not ease my nerves. "You'll see."

There was a basket in the back seat I was not allowed to look inside of. Last night Rowen and Ryo had thoroughly distracted me while my boyfriend and sister plotted in the bedroom. Cye had been in the kitchen and I wasn't allowed to look, as if I couldn't smell the onion and garlic going through the whole apartment. There had been secretive smiles and 'don't worry' kisses from Sage and far too much excitement.

If I didn't trust him so much, I would've demanded to know a little more forcefully. As it was, I tried to walk the line between enjoyable and maddening anxiety.

We drove along the river, the fall leaves providing quite the distracting spectacle. The cliffs dropping away down to the water had always fascinated me, no matter how much they made driving with speed demon Sage more than a little nerve wracking. I supposed it indicated how well he could handle a car, the way he took turns while barely slowing down. He was used to it, for all he kept up racecar driving in what little spare time he had. That didn't make it any better taking hairpin turns fast enough I felt g forces.

He pulled into one of the little unknown roadside stops, purposely designed to take in as much of the river as possible. At this time of year it was surprisingly deserted, but that's what happened in Ottawa— the best places to visit were tucked away in side streets and kept off maps, the only way to discover them by sheer exploration.

I blinked, realizing this is where he was taking me for our anniversary. Fall leaves and quiet corners and no expectations of how to behave.

"I thought we could use some peace."

By the time the full impact of his words had registered, me almost in a daze as I thought of how much time it must've taken to plan this and counting my blessings I had met somebody so thoughtful, he'd set up his ipod on speakers and hit play on some unknown playlist.

The first notes of "So She Dances" rang out as Sage opened my door, hand out for me to take. "May I?"

I smiled and placed my hand in his, those words always enough to get my heart fluttering the same way it had before our first kiss. "Of course."

Four years of dancing together had made us partners, able to pick up on each other's styles and anticipate routines. I let Sage lead the waltz, not wanting to torment him with my usual power plays. He seemed appreciative, the dips lower and touch firmer. Closer. Glimpses of how this wasn't just dancing, right now. The love and care he had for me showed in every step, every spin, every hummed note. We trusted each other, and everything about the dance reflected that.

He pulled me close when the song finished, arms going around me. I brushed the lingering strands of hair away from his face. "You're hiding too much."

"Why do you think I came to a place we didn't need to?" His lips met mine. "Arigato."

I kept stroking his hair, both of us swaying to the next song. "Arigato."

His smile was enough to melt away all stress from the past month.

I didn't know how long we danced. I didn't count the songs or the time cycles. The music was slow and meditative and loving, melodies that were more at home in the state between sleep and awake. Most importantly they were ours, either because the lyrics reminded us of the other, we'd already danced to them, or we'd heard them since getting together.

I pulled him down for another kiss when the scale of this date dawned on me. The memories drawn up, from the first song we said we should dance to— before we got together, even— to our first time partner dancing as a couple, to songs we'd shared over the past year. All in one place.

Not even my deepest kiss could convey how much that meant to me.

He just kept holding me, even as the last notes of the playlist faded into the background. "I have all the songs ready to send you. I just wanted it to be a surprise, first."

I smiled, just happy to be in his arms. "You certainly did that."

"I thought…" he paused, trying to find words for his next statement. "I didn't want to take you out to dinner. Not with…" The implications of my relapse hung in the air, somberity broken by the gleam in his eyes. "Besides. I wanted to do something different."

It was moments like this I couldn't help but feel like the luckiest woman in the world. "I believe slow dancing by the river counts."

He turned my attention out to the water and my breath caught, the clouds alight with the setting sun. I rested my head against his shoulder and watched the sky darken, Dusk humming with a mix of feelings that ranged from contentment to awe, all mirrored by Halo and swirling with love.

"I brought your favourite cupcakes," he murmured. "If you want them."

I squeezed him closer. "That sounds perfect."

He brought me to the back seat of the car, finally letting me see inside that basket. Besides the cupcake box was a leek, cheese, and potato frittata— what Cye had been locked up in the kitchen making, no doubt. My favourite recipe especially when relapsing. A thermos with what I assumed was filled with juice rounded out the contents.

My vision blurred with tears. He helped me wipe them away, holding me against his side as I tried to contain sobs. He raked his fingers through my hair, warmth in his touch and if I wasn't mistaken, notes of humility that he was just being a good person, undeserving of such a reaction. I simply held him tighter, trying to convey that thoughtfulness was always touching, no matter how expected it should be.

We ended up in the back seat, both for the warmth and the light as the sky turned purple, basket between us. Carrot cake, vanilla, and raspberry were Sage's choices for today— two of each, frosting topped with a flower reading "happy anniversary" in pink and purple lettering. I picked up a carrot cake one and carefully bit into it, Sage taking vanilla.

A moment latter we dissolved into laughter from the frosting that always inadvertently ended up on our noses.

"There is apparently a way to keep yourself from getting frosting on your nose," I said. "But—"

"Then it's all the same and where's the fun in that," Sage finished. He kissed my forehead. "You've said."

I chuckled. "Apparently a dozen times."

He'd listened to my laughter too much over four years. His fingers trailed along my jaw, tipping my face up so I was looking at him. "What?"

The notes of a sigh I'd been trying to hide with laughter came out. I cast my eyes down and turned my head away. "We can't escape outside forever."

He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "We can escape for awhile longer."

I grimaced. "Once I realize I am escaping…"

"Your anxiety is rising?"

I nodded.

He moved the box to his other side, pulling me closer. "Then we can leave now, if you want."

I shook my head. "Not yet."

"Alright."

We finished our cupcakes and I slid onto his lap, half curled up in his chest. I pulled him down to get his mouth on mine, just trying to forget, just trying to remember what this was like for my upcoming examination. His hand found my hip before going over my side, more than willing to forget his own time on the stand.

It would be nice when sheer desperation didn't cloud our kisses, when we could kiss for love instead of needing to know the other was alright.

Sometimes, I was still scared that's all this was. Saving the other. Lust. Shared trauma and coping mechanisms. Armour.

Sage broke the kiss and turned his head so I couldn't continue it. "There's more."

I stilled at his breathy words, hand fisting in his shirt.

He ran his fingers through my hair, trying to calm me. "There wouldn't be this much desperation if we didn't care for each other."

I sniffed, arms going around his neck so our torsos were pressed together. "I'm just so scared."

"I know." He stroked my back in long, slow motions, continuing to hold me. "Let's go home."

I wanted to say 'not yet' again, drag on this moment, but the thought made nausea catch in my throat. I got out of Sage's lap and went to the front seat, likely too fast for what had been relaxing just a few minutes ago.

He seemed to wonder about asking if I wanted another cupcake, but thought better of it and went to the driver's side. Before turning on the car he leaned over and kissed my temple, impressing compassion and reassurance on Dusk.

"We still had a wonderful afternoon."

I sighed. "Wished it had ended better."

He turned my head to kiss me. "The evening isn't over yet."

I smiled and kissed him back, too relieved for words that my mental illnesses weren't going to put a permanent damper on the day. I was still too used to one outburst ending it all. While four years was a long time, it apparently wasn't enough.

He leaned his forehead against mine, seeing the shadows in my eyes and knowing their source, by now. "It's alright." Another kiss, longer and deeper. "Take as long as you need to heal."

I hooked my hand behind his neck just to hold him. Moments like this where when I could actually believe how much he cared for me, how there was something between us besides the superficial. Anxiety eased away, as did depression— it was just warmth in my chest that I'd learned over time was love. Learned I could feel it even in my darkest moments. He nuzzled my nose, recognizing signs in my body language even I didn't know I was exhibiting.

"I knew what promising to be with you meant," he said softly, taking my left hand and running his thumb over the ring there. "Just like you knew what promising to be with me meant. We might never heal completely, but that doesn't mean we're loveless."

I smiled and kissed him again. "Je t'adore, mon ange."

"Et je t'adore," he murmured back.

We finally parted and wiped the fog off the windows, turning on the car once we realized air conditioning was needed. I shook my head we wanted cold air in mid-October, the nights already at freezing.

As we drove off, I couldn't help but notice Sage took the corners just a little more gently.

It was firmly night when we arrived at my apartment, the days getting shorter as winter approached. We parked underground in the assigned spot for my unit, heading to the doors to continue Sage's mysterious plans.

I took a half step back as an overwhelmingly familiar feeling flooded me, air turning thick with red tinted fog. This was too close, too uncannily similar to what I'd grown up with, too like what had started this all in the first place. Sage similarly froze, caught between protecting me and wanting to run from his own ghosts.

Instinct took over when an armoured hand grabbed my arm and wrenched it back.

I wasn't going to get taken again.

I dropped down to one knee, reaching over my shoulder and hooking my hand over the Guardian's breastplate. It flew over my head into one forming in front of me at the same time Sage yanked two mooks against each other and turned them into a knot of plate metal. He heaved the whole hunk into a third going after him, me uppercutting my second.

It reached behind itself. Dusk flashed to life just in time to take a slash from a Nether Sword. I smiled in grim satisfaction when the acidic hissing I had grown so used to only manifested at the tail end of that slice, Dusk instantly healing the mostly clean break without a speck of gold.

Sage's shout and more clanging increased the urgency. I growled at a newly forming tin can at my back, ducking to avoid a kidney strike. It left me open for a slice across my leg, flames shooting down my nerves. Dusk's power crackled along formerly invisible threads, red quickly overtaken by purple.

A punch straight to a tin can's chest snapped the cult's influence, the suits collapsing in a cacophonous crash. I paused, noticing just how much they were different than they had been. Samurai type suits of armour weren't part of the cult's arsenale, and the colouring didn't look like it came from this world.

They vanished in trails of smoke, hissing drawing out more memories and making me backpedal into Sage's side. He gripped me in return, holding me so tightly I would've been worried about bruising had Dusk not still been on. My arms wrapped around his torso both to cling and comfort. As much as I hated the feel of armour on armour, neither of us were about to take ours off.

The doors to the basement burst open, Ryo, Cye, and Kento spilling out in subarmour, themselves.

The obvious question of 'are you okay' was preempted by how Sage and I never held each other this tightly unless something had happened. Cye was the first to say anything, going around the group to get a better look at us. "Are you hurt?"

I nodded, Dusk poking at Halo to try and find Sage's injuries. He'd been hit, I could feel it, but I couldn't find any burns. Just lingering Nether Spirit influence Dusk kept trying to pull out.

The air was back to normal and I knew there could be people coming by any minute, but it didn't feel safe to power down yet. Sage's hand found my forearm, armoured fingers wrapping around the thin limb and healing the burn in a flash. A test of my leg revealed that was dealt with, too.

He hadn't let go of my arm or powered down. Glancing up at him, I could see the unbridled terror in his eyes, both that we had been attacked period, and where it had been. Underground had always been his weak point, and here was another trauma in a new subterranean location. I wanted to reassure him it was over with words but even my mental voice was frozen; I could only transmit images I was safe. From the way he pulled me back against him and clung, he couldn't speak, either.

Ryo put a hand on our shoulders, not out of his subarmour, himself. "C'mon. Let's get you two inside."

I nodded and pulled away just enough to walk towards the stairs, Kento holding the door open. The thought of being in a confined space with no escape was too much for all of us, right now. Ryo stuck close to Sage and I, guardian instinct tripped from the fight. I'd moved to the top floor of the building, meaning there were over a dozen floors to go.

Adrenalin wore off somewhere around the third flight, everyone stopping when I stumbled. My whole body shook from fear, having eaten enough this week for me to feel the full extent of my anxiety and PTSD. Moments like this reminded me why I relapsed in the first place. Flashbacks threatened to take me over from undefined sources. My body very much did not want to be here and trembled uncontrollably to let me know the extent of my feelings. Dusk retreated, unable to stay on during an anxiety attack of this intensity. The others powered down, trying to distance themselves from the fight.

Sage scooped me up, leaning his forehead against mine once I was settled in his arms. For the first time since the attack, he found his voice. "It's alright," he murmured, half to himself. "I've got you."

—

The sun might as well not have set, Dusk and Halo were throwing out so much light. Sage needed it to sleep, so I sacrificed Dusk's normal darkening abilities and simply burrowed under the blankets, face against his chest and close enough to feel his thundering heartbeat. Dusk dug into her reserves and shielded Halo, the others hovering too close to the edge for my comfort. They needed sleep as much as we did, but I'd already resigned myself to not getting much after Sage's third nightmare.

I tried to comfort him into a restful state when his hands tensed on my back, fingertips digging into my muscles in a desperate attempt to know I was with him.

Either he was too far gone or Dusk was too tired to be an anchor— he turned out of my grasp only to try and reach out to me when he turned back, arm snagging in the blankets.

He woke up with a start, tears already in his voice as he cried out. I pulled the covers down to stroke his hair before his eyes managed to focus, helping him find me again. His breathing deepened to a pant, eyes filling with moisture.

I pulled him against me, him hiding in the crook of my shoulder. "I've got you, Seiji. I'm here."

His breathing turned ragged; I was sure the only reason he wasn't sobbing was years of holding in his emotions around others. Secretly I hoped, one day, he would feel comfortable enough to cry around me. I tried to saturate Halo in comfort, but I plain old hadn't been sleeping from the images behind my eyelids. There was nothing left in me to give.

Strata reached out to us before Rowen came into the room, closing the door behind him. He sat down on the bed by Sage's legs, hand going to my boyfriend's side. "Seiji, we're all here. You're not alone."

Halo's shuddering eased, Rowen knowing what to say more than I did. He stayed and comforted Sage until his breathing evened out, Sage no longer hiding in my arms.

"We… probably should talk about this," Rowen said quietly. "Tessa went to get the others up."

Silent reassurance we hadn't woken them passed through the armour connection, relieving both mine and Sage's guilt. The two men had known each other longer than Tessa and I had; their bond showed especially strongly in moments like this.

Sage couldn't even find his voice to thank Rowen verbally, despite the gratitude flowing between them. I squeezed Sage's hand as we walked down the short hallway to the living room, comforting him the only way I could in one of his extraordinarily rare non verbal episodes. They normally didn't last this long.

I ended up with Tessa on one side of me, Sage on the other. Rowen had left his position from hovering by his wife to be beside his brother. Sage and I needed each other, but half of our minds were tormented by how exhausted we were and unable to protect ourselves, let alone somebody else.

Ryo practically stood guard, Wildfire radiating his protective instinct. He was nearly as triggered as the two of us, but for him, staying up to take care of others helped instead of hindered. Sage slowly but surely relaxed at the layers of external protection around Halo, much to my relief.

I shifted to lean against Tessa, knowing how much she had been a part of this little idea. 'Thanks, sis.'

She smiled at me, the expression tinted with her own tiredness, and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. 'Anytime. Like I've said, he's my brother.'

Cye waited for us to breathe somewhat normally again before speaking, having the most formal training in dealing with neurodivergence. Still, he was cautious about startling us; the softness of his voice was much appreciated after the clanging and echoes of earlier this evening. "Think you're up to talking about it, now?"

Halo was still a wordless void, while Dusk had spent the past few hours trying to put labels to the experience. It landed on one term and I knew I had no choice but to start there. "Tin cans. They tried to grab me again. I…" So many concepts caught in my throat, from how it was too similar to what had happened for my first kidnapping attempt to how I was able to fight back, but none of it came out. Another concept made itself clear, giving me another place to start. "They had Nether Swords this time. They just vanished."

I felt the room's collective growl, all other armours roaring with a 'you will not hurt them' impression. Sage found my hand and squeezed it, me relaxing at the protectiveness and finally able to speak in more complex sentences. "They couldn't have been Guardians. Those need real suits. They looked different, too."

The gears in Rowen's head turned just enough he was able to continue. "And if you said they vanished, they're more likely to be the youjakai versions we're used to."

That, apparently, tripped something in Sage. He tightened his grip, tugging my hand towards him. The tears in his voice were unmistakable to me. "They tried to keep me from you."

They were unmistakable to Rowen, too. He cupped a hand behind Sage's neck and pulled him closer, Sage more than willing to accept the comfort.

Memories from both of us bounced between our armours, less intense but still enough to make me shiver and snuggle into my sister's side. "It was red, this time. Normally the cult hates red."

Dawn went full out draconic, fury and warning evident in her growled-out tone. "Mom."

Kento was equally wrathful, hands tense and ready to snap into fists at any moment. "So, what're we gonna do about it?"

I let out a single bark of laughter. "Nothing."

Tessa shook her head, thankfully broadcasting her agreement with me through Dawn because otherwise I would've sworn she disagreed with me. "We can't take this to the cops like last time. There's no evidence the soldiers were ever here, and no one would believe us. We'd look like nut cases and at the worst, the trial could fall apart because we'd call our credibility into question." She sighed and leaned her head against mine. "We'll have to stay on our guard going forward."

Now I was thinking, trying to reverse engineer motive. I flicked the nail of my forefinger against my thumb, dark realization dawning. "They were trying to get me out of the trial."

My sister's grip tightened, smirk evident through the connection. "Obviously they don't know you very well—or the rest of us, really."

Kento punched his open hand. "Yeah. It's going to take more than that to put us down."

Sage finally settled into the lightening mood of the room, able to pull away from Rowen and draw me closer to his side. "You'd think they learned their lesson, by now."

He was still scared, but at least he was able to speak relatively clearly again. I rolled my eyes to not draw attention to it. "My mom's involved. Since when does she ever learn?"

"When Hell freezes over, apparently," my sister quipped, helping break the darkness further.

I smirked, finding the fire Sage loved about me so much deep inside my soul. The night was going from trauma to fuel thanks to the people around me, mind finally realizing I had recourse once it registered I wasn't alone. "She shouldn't have done that, though."

Everybody looked at me, curious and wary. My smirk only got bigger, dangerous gleam in my eyes.

"Now I've got a reason to spill every last thing she's done."

Translations:

Je t'adore: I adore you

Et je t'adore: And I adore you