Author's notes:
Thanks to everyone who's reviewed this, but especially Washu1 for your thoughtful words on my stories, and eccentric, who's reviewed every chapter of this story. Sorry this took so long, and I hope it lives up to expectations!
Dulcey
***************
Frasier offered to make dinner that night, but I insisted on doing it. He had had a long flight, after all, not to mention Frasier's cooking brought back too memories of our marriage, of dinners eaten by candlelight and being able to be together without worrying about ruining our friendship, or reopening old wounds. I hadn't given up hope that we might not have that again someday, but even if we could, we couldn't have it right now. Not yet.
After dinner, another awkward period ensued. Frasier was yawning, and I knew he was tired from his flight. I was tired myself, having gotten next to no sleep the previous night. I still hadn't been able to think about Brian, where he was or what he was doing. What would he think if he knew Frasier was here right now?
I pushed the thought from my mind. I had made my decision weeks ago, when I slept with Frasier. I'd loved him all along, and as hard as I'd tried with Brian, I'd never been in love with him. I'd loved him, but it was a more comfortable, familiar love, like with a favorite cousin. He had never made my stomach fill with butterflies, or my heart race like a silly teenager's.
He wasn't Frasier.
**************************
Lilith and I said our goodnights and retired to our respective rooms. It was still early, around ten thirty, but I was worn out from my flight, and from being in this entirely unexpected situation. Twenty-four hours ago I'd been comfortably settled in my life in Seattle, and now I was back in Boston, attempting a reconciliation with my wife. I'd sworn I'd never go back, and yet here I was. And strangely enough, it didn't feel wrong at all.
My father thought I was insane when I told him where I was going. I couldn't really blame him-it sounded crazy to me too when I thought about it. I was jeopardizing my entire life in order to be with my ex-wife. But what Dad didn't understand was that this was Lilith. This woman knew me better than anyone ever had, and probably ever would. Even though I couldn't justify this to anyone, I knew I was doing the right thing.
That was all I knew. I didn't know how to go about with this, how to rebuild a relationship that had been shattered by infidelity and betrayal. Ironically, we were starting where we had ended all those years ago. How could we make a marriage out of loneliness and a one night stand? Legally, Lilith was still married to Brian. Mustn't forget that little detail.
I threw off my covers and got out of bed. I'd been lying awake obsessing for the last hour, and as tired as I was, I'd never get to sleep if I kept this up. I needed a drink to slow down my thoughts and relax me enough to fall asleep.
As I stepped out into the darkened hallway I heard a muffled sound coming from Lilith's room. She was crying, and it never failed to break my heart. I abandoned my thoughts of alcohol and rapped softly on her door.
There was no response. She continued to cry from within her room, and I raised my hand to knock again when I stopped myself. Lilith was extremely vulnerable right now, and I knew far too well how attractive she was to me in that state. That was the whole reason we were in the position we were in now. If I went in there and saw her crying, I was going to want to hold her. If I held her, I was going to want to kiss her. And if I kissed her, there would be no stopping anything else from happening.
I turned away from her door and walked briskly toward the kitchen. I wanted a drink of alcohol very badly, but forced myself to settle for a glass of milk. I hated hiding here like a coward, but it was for the best, I told myself. It wouldn't do either of us any good to sleep together tonight and regret it in the morning.
And yet against my better judgement, I found myself remembering those nights when I had sat in this same chair and tried not to think about Lilith sobbing two rooms down. I thought about how I'd laid on the couch in my study and listened to her cry, longing to go to her but too proud and angry to let myself. I had thought that would pass, I had thought things would get easier. They hadn't, and I'd often wondered if my callousness on those nights had been responsible for my divorce.
Again I found myself walking down the hall toward her door. I knocked, and slowly opened the door to see Lilith curled up on the bed, her hair disheveled, her shoulders shaking.
I crossed the room and picked her up, cradling her body to me. "It's okay," I whispered, smoothing her hair back and drawing her head to my shoulder. "Everything's going to be all right."
"Oh, Frasier," she choked, and then she was crying. I held her close to me, pressing my forehead to hers and wiping away the tears from her cheeks. "I'm such an awful person. You shouldn't be here. You should save yourself while you can."
"Lilith, what are you talking about?" I demanded. "You're not an awful person and I'm not going anywhere."
"You should," she insisted, drawing back from my shoulder. "I ruin the lives of everyone who loves me. I ruined yours, and now Brian's."
The tears returned in full force. I tried to hug her again, but she pulled away from my touch. I understood. This was something I couldn't help her through. Whatever happened with Brian, she would have to do alone.
When her tears dried, she let me draw her back to me. "I'm sorry," she whispered, burying her face in my neck.
I dropped a kiss on her forehead. "I won't pretend like I can fix this, or that anything I can say will make this any better," I told her. "But you don't ruin the lives of everyone you love. And I don't want to hear you say that about someone I care about so much."
She sniffled and looked at me. There were still teardrops in her eyelashes. "I don't deserve you, Frasier."
"What did I say?" I scolded her, laying her back down in bed and pulling the covers over her. "I'm not leaving until you promise to stop beating yourself up so much."
Lilith gave me a little smile. "Well, in that case."
Ordinarily the sight of that smile would have been enough to make me kiss her, damn the consequences. That was how I always got into trouble with Lilith, what started us down the road to heartbreak and regrets. But things were different now. We were trying to build something here, and I couldn't just throw it away for another one-night stand.
"You need your rest," I told her firmly, tucking the covers around her the way she always liked them. "I'll be here tomorrow."
She looked at me with those beautiful eyes. "Thank you, Frasier," she whispered. She yawned, and I caught myself thinking that she yawned cute. For God's sake, what was I thinking? How could anyone yawn cute?
And I was starting down that road again. I kissed her quickly on the forehead. "Get some sleep now, all right?"
"All right," she agreed meekly. "I love you, Frasier."
I said it because it was the only thing I could say at the moment. "I love you too, Lilith."
I touched her cheek and left the room. When I climbed back into my own bed, I fell asleep almost instantly.
Thanks to everyone who's reviewed this, but especially Washu1 for your thoughtful words on my stories, and eccentric, who's reviewed every chapter of this story. Sorry this took so long, and I hope it lives up to expectations!
Dulcey
***************
Frasier offered to make dinner that night, but I insisted on doing it. He had had a long flight, after all, not to mention Frasier's cooking brought back too memories of our marriage, of dinners eaten by candlelight and being able to be together without worrying about ruining our friendship, or reopening old wounds. I hadn't given up hope that we might not have that again someday, but even if we could, we couldn't have it right now. Not yet.
After dinner, another awkward period ensued. Frasier was yawning, and I knew he was tired from his flight. I was tired myself, having gotten next to no sleep the previous night. I still hadn't been able to think about Brian, where he was or what he was doing. What would he think if he knew Frasier was here right now?
I pushed the thought from my mind. I had made my decision weeks ago, when I slept with Frasier. I'd loved him all along, and as hard as I'd tried with Brian, I'd never been in love with him. I'd loved him, but it was a more comfortable, familiar love, like with a favorite cousin. He had never made my stomach fill with butterflies, or my heart race like a silly teenager's.
He wasn't Frasier.
**************************
Lilith and I said our goodnights and retired to our respective rooms. It was still early, around ten thirty, but I was worn out from my flight, and from being in this entirely unexpected situation. Twenty-four hours ago I'd been comfortably settled in my life in Seattle, and now I was back in Boston, attempting a reconciliation with my wife. I'd sworn I'd never go back, and yet here I was. And strangely enough, it didn't feel wrong at all.
My father thought I was insane when I told him where I was going. I couldn't really blame him-it sounded crazy to me too when I thought about it. I was jeopardizing my entire life in order to be with my ex-wife. But what Dad didn't understand was that this was Lilith. This woman knew me better than anyone ever had, and probably ever would. Even though I couldn't justify this to anyone, I knew I was doing the right thing.
That was all I knew. I didn't know how to go about with this, how to rebuild a relationship that had been shattered by infidelity and betrayal. Ironically, we were starting where we had ended all those years ago. How could we make a marriage out of loneliness and a one night stand? Legally, Lilith was still married to Brian. Mustn't forget that little detail.
I threw off my covers and got out of bed. I'd been lying awake obsessing for the last hour, and as tired as I was, I'd never get to sleep if I kept this up. I needed a drink to slow down my thoughts and relax me enough to fall asleep.
As I stepped out into the darkened hallway I heard a muffled sound coming from Lilith's room. She was crying, and it never failed to break my heart. I abandoned my thoughts of alcohol and rapped softly on her door.
There was no response. She continued to cry from within her room, and I raised my hand to knock again when I stopped myself. Lilith was extremely vulnerable right now, and I knew far too well how attractive she was to me in that state. That was the whole reason we were in the position we were in now. If I went in there and saw her crying, I was going to want to hold her. If I held her, I was going to want to kiss her. And if I kissed her, there would be no stopping anything else from happening.
I turned away from her door and walked briskly toward the kitchen. I wanted a drink of alcohol very badly, but forced myself to settle for a glass of milk. I hated hiding here like a coward, but it was for the best, I told myself. It wouldn't do either of us any good to sleep together tonight and regret it in the morning.
And yet against my better judgement, I found myself remembering those nights when I had sat in this same chair and tried not to think about Lilith sobbing two rooms down. I thought about how I'd laid on the couch in my study and listened to her cry, longing to go to her but too proud and angry to let myself. I had thought that would pass, I had thought things would get easier. They hadn't, and I'd often wondered if my callousness on those nights had been responsible for my divorce.
Again I found myself walking down the hall toward her door. I knocked, and slowly opened the door to see Lilith curled up on the bed, her hair disheveled, her shoulders shaking.
I crossed the room and picked her up, cradling her body to me. "It's okay," I whispered, smoothing her hair back and drawing her head to my shoulder. "Everything's going to be all right."
"Oh, Frasier," she choked, and then she was crying. I held her close to me, pressing my forehead to hers and wiping away the tears from her cheeks. "I'm such an awful person. You shouldn't be here. You should save yourself while you can."
"Lilith, what are you talking about?" I demanded. "You're not an awful person and I'm not going anywhere."
"You should," she insisted, drawing back from my shoulder. "I ruin the lives of everyone who loves me. I ruined yours, and now Brian's."
The tears returned in full force. I tried to hug her again, but she pulled away from my touch. I understood. This was something I couldn't help her through. Whatever happened with Brian, she would have to do alone.
When her tears dried, she let me draw her back to me. "I'm sorry," she whispered, burying her face in my neck.
I dropped a kiss on her forehead. "I won't pretend like I can fix this, or that anything I can say will make this any better," I told her. "But you don't ruin the lives of everyone you love. And I don't want to hear you say that about someone I care about so much."
She sniffled and looked at me. There were still teardrops in her eyelashes. "I don't deserve you, Frasier."
"What did I say?" I scolded her, laying her back down in bed and pulling the covers over her. "I'm not leaving until you promise to stop beating yourself up so much."
Lilith gave me a little smile. "Well, in that case."
Ordinarily the sight of that smile would have been enough to make me kiss her, damn the consequences. That was how I always got into trouble with Lilith, what started us down the road to heartbreak and regrets. But things were different now. We were trying to build something here, and I couldn't just throw it away for another one-night stand.
"You need your rest," I told her firmly, tucking the covers around her the way she always liked them. "I'll be here tomorrow."
She looked at me with those beautiful eyes. "Thank you, Frasier," she whispered. She yawned, and I caught myself thinking that she yawned cute. For God's sake, what was I thinking? How could anyone yawn cute?
And I was starting down that road again. I kissed her quickly on the forehead. "Get some sleep now, all right?"
"All right," she agreed meekly. "I love you, Frasier."
I said it because it was the only thing I could say at the moment. "I love you too, Lilith."
I touched her cheek and left the room. When I climbed back into my own bed, I fell asleep almost instantly.