A/N: Here's the next installment. Jacob/Bella-only shippers - please bear with us. Everything happens for a reason. Remember, we labeled it Jacob/Bella - you will get Jacob/Bella. Promise. We also want to ask you to be open and try to see Leah through our eyes. We always found that S.M. put her in a really bad light, but she's so much more than the angry, bitchy girl.
Chapter warning: Discusses autoaggression (DSH). Don't read if this offends you in any way.
Thanks to our amazing beta JUL5857. She's having a hard time with us German gals. LOL If you find any errors, blame it on us and our last-minute changes... *giggles*
Nic & JB
P.S. We're so happy about your reviews. If yours isn't answered yet, blame it on me only. I'll be a good girl and try to catch up on answering your reviews. *blushes* I'm such a nut... Nic.
.
Song Idea for this chapter: Massive Attack, Psyche
.
.
Chapter 3
~ So let it Be ~
.
The leech lover did want she could do the best: She ran away. Leah hadn't expected any different from her. With her coming here she had managed to break Jacob even more. He stood motionless and stared after Bella. His hands were clenched to fists. He was shaking, itching to run after her.
"Shit," Leah uttered. "I'm sorry, Jake." Her compassion came from the bottom of her heart.
They both could hear Bella trashing through the woods and Leah put her hand on Jacob's shoulder when Bella fell with a cry and he jerked forward on instinct. They also smelled the faint scent of her leech which made it completely clear that she hadn't come on her own. At least, the leech had respected the treaty line, because if he hadn't neither she nor Jacob wouldn't have tolerated the breach of treaty. No, not today.
Jacob vibrated with suppressed anger and when he heard Bella's strangled "Take me away from here," he flinched and hunched over. Car doors closed, and then the car roared to life, speeding away with screeching tires.
"FUCK!" Jacob yelled, finally letting go of his fury. His fists smashed into the tree nearby, randomly first, then deliberately hackling it to shreds. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
"Don't, Jacob. You're hurting yourself." Leah wrapped her arms around his middle, trying to make him stop, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't pull him away. Nevertheless, Leah was determined to not let him go on like that. No matter how much he hurt over the leech lover, inflicting damage on yourself never did any good. She knew from her own experiences.
.
.
.
Jacob didn't care that Leah tried to pull him away, nor did he really recognize Leah in his wrath. He wanted to hurt. It was all he ever felt anyway. His fists made contact with the next tree.
He was upset and disgusted with himself for the words he had spat at Bella. He hadn't wanted to be such a jerk, but shame and regret made him lash out without thinking. If he had paid more attention to the things around him, she wouldn't have needed to find him with Leah. How much had she seen? How long had she watched them? He couldn't stop thinking about the way Bella had looked at him and the horror in her eyes finding him like this…
Why had she come? What did she want? What made her leave her wedding party and come after him? Had she finally come to her senses and wanted to let him know that she had chosen HIM?
Jacob laughed bitterly. "It doesn't change a thing," she had said, before she turned around and fled. Her words echoed in his ears, mocking him, taunting him. It doesn't change a thing. But of course not... She didn't love him enough. He wasn't what she needed. He wasn't enough. Wishing she would choose him was a hope beyond hope.
So why, for crying out loud, why did she come here? This thought wouldn't leave him alone. She must have had a reason. At least, she should have had the guts to explain herself. But no, she ran away as if he wasn't worth the effort. She ran away as if he didn't mean a fucking thing, as if he was nothing. She was so damn good at running away, running back to her leech husband.
Jacob couldn't take it anymore, and he pummeled the third tree methodically. Left. Right. Left. Skin meeting bark, bone meeting trunk. His skin wasn't impenetrable; he felt his skin break and start bleeding.
"Jacob, don't," Leah said and moved beside the battered fir. He had forgotten that she was here and he stopped so he wouldn't hit her instead of the tree. Looking up, he recognized her compassion and concern which made him feel even worse. He didn't need her pity, and he sure as hell didn't want her to feel sorry for him.
Lowering his head, attempting to hide his emotional turmoil, he noticed the raw flesh of his hands. He was bleeding like stuck pick. "Fuck," he muttered and all strength and fury left him when realizing the darn senselessness of his situation. His legs gave out under him and he dropped to the ground. Burying his bleeding hands in his hair, he pulled his head onto his knees, wanting to disappear, to dissolve into nothingness, to turn back the time and make things undone. He should have jumped when he had the chance…
Jacob noticed he was crying, bawling like a baby to be precise. Not only did he have to endure this pain, his memories, and his regret, she was making him weak in the worst way. She made him cry and he hadn't cried ever since the night his mother died. He felt emasculated, humiliated, and the worst part was that he wasn't alone in this moment of weakness.
He slightly lifted his head, wiping his wet cheeks dry at his pants. Leah sat beside him. She wasn't too close, let him have his space and he was grateful for that, but still she was witnessing his breakdown.
"I'm sorry. It was not my place to send her away," she said, cautiously, as if expecting him to explode again.
Jacob shrugged his shoulders. "Don't be sorry," he responded, feeling raw and stripped. "She left to become a leech. She doesn't belong here anymore…" His voice broke.
Leah shifted, her head turning bright red for a change. "She came to see you. Maybe, if I hadn't… and she hadn't seen it…"
Jake jerked around and looked at Leah fully. "Leah, stop. Don't even start with that." Eyeing his swollen, bleeding knuckles, he stated coldly, "She only came here to ease her conscience. I've had it with her I'm sorry's. I mean nothing to her. I wasn't enough. I'm not what she wants and I certainly don't need her pity."
"I know how you're feeling, Jacob. I know how much you hurt." Leah slowly inched closer and took his hands between her own, inspecting the damage he had done to himself. He let her. It would only be a matter of minutes, an hour at max, until his wounds were healed anyway.
When she turned his hand, looking at it from all sides, she revealed the insides of her wrists. Small, pale lines—scars from long-healed cuts—crossed the tender flesh repeatedly.
"Leah." He inhaled sharply, grabbing her arms so fast, she couldn't pull them away anymore. Jacob searched his memories, trying to remember if he ever caught a glimpse of Leah inflicting those wounds on herself.
She blushed embarrassed and jerked away, wrapping her arms around her knees.
"Why did you…?" Jacob asked and Leah pressed her lips into a thin line, making it obvious what her scars were about. "Because of Sam?"
"Yes," Leah answered briskly.
Jacob could tell that she wasn't up for a conversation and that she hated to even think about Sam and how he had treated her, but he had to ask anyway. "Did you do it because he left you?"
"What do you think, Black?" Leah yelled at him, eyes shooting daggers. "That's none of your business. Let it go, alright?"
"Stop being a bitch again, Clearwater. We're in the same boat, remember?" Jacob responded, rubbing his temples. His head started to hurt, badly. "Tell me. Does it get better some day?"
Leah laughed, loudly, sharply and desperately. "Do I look alright to you? No. It doesn't. Not for me anyway."
Jacob cocked his head to the side and nodded. He could emphasize so much. "That's what I thought," he whispered hoarsely. He might not have imprinted on Bella, but his feelings ran just as deep, and comparing his feelings for Bella with Leah's feelings for Sam, he knew that Leah had suffered the same.
"What made you stop, Leah?" Jacob asked, gliding his fingers over his wrists. "Why did we never see anything of it when we are phased?" He realized how difficult it must have been for Leah. She had nobody to talk to and the whole pack treated her less than civil. Gosh, what pricks they all were. He felt a rush of emotions going through him and he truly was interested in what she was thinking and feeling. He wanted to know, wanted to learn what went on in Leah's head. After all, maybe… just maybe he could try to forget about Bel… her.
"I didn't want him to have that power over me. In hurting myself I gave him that power." Leah declared, shrugging her shoulders, and laid her cheek onto her knees. Then she whispered, "I stopped because I was hurting my parents with what I did to myself. My father was totally out his mind when he found me cutting myself that one day." She closed her eyes, trying to hide that painful memory from him. "I don't think about it ever. I'm not proud of what I've done and I don't want anyone to know. I banned if from my thoughts."
Unexpectedly, she grabbed his hand, pressing hard, making him wince in pain. "Don't you ever, ever tell anybody about his," she threatened him fiercely, before she let go of his hand.
"Dammit," he cursed, shaking his throbbing hand, but nodded, understanding the pain and despair she was feeling. Then he inspected his hands again, the cuts and bruises were healing quite nicely and he wondered what his father would say if he ever found out what he were about to do tonight. His running away had been hard enough for him already. What if he had pulled through with his death wish? Would his father have been strong enough to survive losing his only son? His sister, Rachel, was coming home next week. She for sure would prefer still having a brother then… How was it again? Suicide was a coward's way out? The guilt Jacob felt crashing down on him was immense.
No, Jacob wouldn't put his father through this. He would welcome the pain about Bella's loss as pain had been part of him for so long already, ever since she chose death over him. So be it, he thought grimly, the pain he felt in his heart at his moment almost crushing him completely. She had ripped his heart to pieces, but he would live with whatever there was left. After all, giving up wasn't in his nature.
"They will all know we got it on…" Leah murmured, eventually breaking the silence, twisting a strand of her hair in her fingers. "Sam will be so pissed off when he finds out."
"Yeah," Jacob agreed, a sudden feeling of rebellion and triumph perking up in him. She had given him what his brothers lusted for. It wasn't a secret that Leah fueled their fantasies. It also wasn't a secret that Sam still thought about Leah, that he couldn't forget about her completely. He waved his hand dismissively. "I guess they'll have to live with that."
"Right," Leah chuckled. "But I almost feel sorry for Seth…"
"Hmm." Jacob really felt uncomfortable about that, wondering how he would be feeling if his brothers had sex with his sisters. He shuddered at the thought. That really would be awkward.
"I wasn't too rough with you, was I? I'm sorry, if I…" Jacob blurted out, thinking that he had handled Leah like a madman.
"No. No," she assured, smirking. "You were great. Really!"
He couldn't help himself but to be honestly proud of himself. After all, it had been his first time, but when he relived those minutes he was suddenly overcome by the realization that they had sex without using protection!
"Shit!" he called out and jumped up. His heart hammered in his chest as he faced Leah who stared at him in annoyance.
"What's wrong with you, Black?" she drawled irritated.
"I didn't pull out," Jacob confessed, wishing the ground would open and swallow him up. "I'm such a fucking idiot! Leah…" he gulped. "I'm taking full responsibility, alright? If you… if…"
"Shut up," she interrupted, and even though it was still dark, he could see her face darkening in a deep red. "In case you didn't recognize. I'm a dead end… Don't worry. You won't get me pregnant."
Feeling awkward and relieved likewise, Jacob sat down next to Leah and nudged her with his shoulder slightly, attempting to comfort her. Should he ask her about it? Ask, if it mattered to her? After all, it could be a tender subject. Jacob realized how little he actually knew about Leah and for some reason, he wished it was different.
Of her own accord, she said, "Phasing pretty much fucked up my life and all of my plans. I wanted to go to College so that I could help my Dad running the Tribal Affairs. I even had my scholarship at WSU. When I was 30 I wanted to be married to Sam, live in my own house and have our first child." She shook her head, balling her hands to fists. "Look where I ended up. I'm stuck on this reservation with no father, no college degree, and no fiancé and... and…"
Her voice broke and Jacob wrapped his arm around her shoulders, expecting her to shrug him off. To his surprise she leaned into his touch, for a moment only, and then she pulled back, asking, "What were your plans?"
Jacob shrugged his shoulders, picking at his crust-covered hands. "Nothing spectacular. Mainly, graduating school, maybe working as a mechanic. Later on opening my own car shop… Only after phasing did I realize how my live could have turned out if I hadn't…"
For a moment, Jacob and Leah just sat together, each plunging into their own misery.
Her next question caught him off-guard. "I was wondering if what happened earlier was a one-time thing?" she asked, suddenly sounding insecure and vulnerable.
At a loss of words, Jacob shrugged his shoulders, again, curling and flexing his aching fingers, feeling the bones cracking underneath the sore skin. "Dunno," he finally croaked.
"I will probably always love Sam," Leah began. "Hell, I don't know if I even want to date ever again…"
Jacob remained silent, feeling uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation.
"But, you know…" Their eyes met and Leah said bluntly, "Fucking you was the best thing that happened to me in a long time, and it made me forget about him quite effectively."
"Is that so?" For a moment, his face lit up as he grinned sheepishly.
"Yeah," she answered.
Then, they fell silent again, sitting beside each other, each thinking their gloomy thoughts.
Jacob wasn't sure if he wanted to indulge in anything close to a relationship yet, or ever, even when it was only about simply meeting their physical needs, but on the other hand… Leah was right. The sex had distracted him for a while and he needed to forget about Bella—if that was even possible.
He still loved Bella and he couldn't imagine giving his heart to another woman, but he had to try to move on. He had to try for his father and maybe even for his friends, his pack. Problem was, right now he couldn't see a future for him that had no Bella in it. The thought hurt so much. It was impossible.
He studied Leah's features. If she had survived losing Sam and his father had survived losing his wife, shouldn't he be strong enough to survive losing Bella? Again, he saw how attractive Leah was and the longer they sat here the better he got to know her, learning that she was just as interesting and attractive on the inside.
.
.
.
It was still dark, but being in tune with nature they could feel the new morning coming. His eyes fell on a cobweb covered in dewdrops. Tiny water droplets ran along the web, finally merging into one large droplet, suspending from a delicate thread. How much more charge could it take before it would tear? Would the thread rip at all or was it more likely that its heavy burden dropped down, threatening it no more?
Early morning birds started to sing their songs, totally oblivious of what the day would bring to them. Looking forward and living each day as it was coming was in their nature. Should this new morning also be the beginning of a new period in his life? Did he really want to let go of Bella? Was he ready?
"Bella is… was… it for me." Jacob finally said with a sad grimace at the break of dawn. "We would have been right for each other. I was her natural path."
"I know that." Leah stood up and wrapped the torn shirt tightly around her body. She laid her head back and inhaled deeply, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. "You're not the jerk I thought you were, Jake…" She said, looking at him over her shoulder.
Jacob cleared his throat, feeling awkward when he realized that he was staring at her long, toned legs. "You're not that bad, either."
"We can be friends…" she suggested, her voice wavering just a little as she started walking up and down in front of him.
"Friends?" he asked, dumbfounded. When had Leah ever offered someone her friendship? He honestly couldn't remember.
"Yeah, friends with benefits," Leah said bluntly, running her hands through her hair. "A girl has needs, you know?"
A feeling of guilt rushed over him. He felt as if he was betraying Bella. Fuck her, he thought, feeling bitter and snorted sarcastically. Bella had run away, she had married another. He should move on. He wouldn't wait for her, alright? She wouldn't come back anyway. SHE was throwing her life away. SHE wanted to be one of them. Why the fuck was HE feeling guilty? What the hell was wrong with him? But he knew it would never change, he would never be able to purge himself of Bella. Bella was his entire existence. He loved her with every ounce of his being. He would have to learn how to live with this pain in his heart… Always.
Suddenly, he had the feeling that his emotions were going to slither out of control again, and he couldn't allow that. He wouldn't cry, not in front of someone, not ever again. He was done being the pathetic wimp who was pining for a girl that would never love him back.
He straightened up and addressed Leah with a stern voice, "No strings attached."
"No feelings involved," she agreed, stopping in front of him.
He didn't like that he had to look up at Leah. It made his skin crawl. It didn't feel right. He shifted his position, trying to ignore the feeling, but his wolf still was too close to the surface and he couldn't stop the low growl.
Leah crouched down, sensing his irritation. A gush of air brushed over him, bringing her scent to his attention. He could smell their mingled juices on her body and damn, if that wasn't a turn on. His eyes quickly moved over her and he recognized the slick trail of wetness dampening her inner thighs. Fuck, he wanted to do her again.
Remembering how his pain had moved into the background when they were fucking, he took her hand and pulled her closer. "We should seal our deal," he rasped.
"We should definitely do that," Leah answered in a low, seductive voice and leaned in for a kiss. Their lips met, igniting the same fire as before.
[Deleted scene due to graphic content. Find entire chapter on TrickyRaven dot ning dot com]
They wanted to forget and feel some peace of mind and satisfaction as they both were too emotionally exhausted to go on like this any longer without being able to fight against it.
.
.
.
That night, they forged a bond that would work out quite well for them. At least they hoped.
Jake learned that sometimes you found friends when you the least expected it. Leah made him remember that there were people in his life he could trust completely. He would let go of Bella and accept that he had lost her to another man, that she was responsible for her own actions. He knew that he would carry his love for her in his heart forever. He learned to accept that life indeed would go on without her, but most importantly, he learned that having lost a fight didn't necessarily mean being defeated.
Losing Bella made him bitter, but also very strong. He secretly promised himself that he would never ever give his heart away again—no woman should ever be able to hurt him like this.
Leah knew what she was getting herself into. She didn't expect or demand that Jacob fell in love with her. Their newfound relationship was based on their physical needs only; her heart would always belong to Sam.
.