I do not own Twilight, SM does. I'm just having some fun with her characters.

Chapter 4: Sweet Dreams and Homemade Porn

BELLA

Edward and I entered the house together. We went upstairs to his room, where Emmett was setting up the static night vision camera on a tripod in the corner of the room.

Emmett saw us enter and gave us his signature big-dimpled smile. Edward smiled back warmly, but unfortunately, Emmett saw that as an opening to show his true self.

"You know, my last girlfriend used to refer to me as a tripod," Emmett chimed in randomly.

Yes, being as that my mind was usually in the gutter, I picked up on his little innuendo immediately. Edward looked a little confused, though. I just shook my head, looking at the floor.

"Emmett, this is Edward. He's the one we get to watch sleep tonight," I said, sounding completely embarrassed by my partner in crime.

"Right on, man, nice to meet you! I sure hope you don't sleep naked, though. That'd be a little awkward. I mean don't get me wrong and all, I'm very comfortable in my sexuality, but staring at some other dude's junk all night might cause me to go blind or something. There was this one time…"

"Emmett!" I shouted, cutting off his stupid rant, "Can we please just focus on getting this stuff set up so we can get out of here and let these poor people have their evening to themselves?" I asked in a huff.

"Uh…sure, yeah…sorry, Bella," he muttered.

I'd swear I loved Emmett to death, but he just drove me insane sometimes. He tended to screw things up all of the time and was completely oblivious to it. For example, we were on another case once, where a woman claimed to be hearing voices in her basement when nobody was down there. Emmett took it upon himself to sleep down there all alone for a night with a digital recorder to see if he could capture any of the so-called voices. Now, anybody else could have handled such a task with no problems, but since Emmett was involved, let's just say that it didn't go over so well. All eight hours of digital recording were compromised in one way or another. If he wasn't sawing logs loud enough to wake the dead, he was farting or mumbling something about Ewoks and Smurfs in his sleep. I pitied the poor woman who ever had to sleep with that on a daily basis.

Emmett finished setting up the equipment, while I stood there squirming in my pants a little, trying to figure out what to say to the six foot two, green-eyed, panty-melting, God-like man standing next to me. Fortunately for me, he looked just as uncomfortable as I did.

I quickly looked around the room, hoping to find something of interest we could talk about to fill the awkward silence. I glanced over my shoulder to the Scooby stuff. Jackpot!

"So, Edward, I see you have incredible taste in iconic cartoons of the eighties. I happen to be the biggest Scooby fan of all time," I said hoping that a common interest would help ease the weird tension pulsing between us.

He smirked at my comment and walked over to the shelves holding all of his memorabilia. He picked up what at first glance looked like an odd-shaped brown vibrator, complete with the French tickler. Upon closer inspection, though, I saw that it was actually a plastic Scooby figure, sitting on its hind legs, with his tail sticking up. Yeah, I think maybe it was time for some glasses, or at least a de-guttering brain cleanse. However, if they did actually make Scooby Doo vibrators, I would so be the first in line to buy one.

"I love Scooby, everything about him. No matter what obstacles are in front of him, no matter how afraid he is, he always comes out on top. I wish real life was that way," Edward spoke so softly I was not sure if I was meant to hear it.

Okay, so maybe he was just a little bit geeky. It didn't matter, though, because he still made my tongue sweat at the sight of him. I couldn't wait to have hours of Peeping Tom time when we reviewed his tapes.

"Everything is set up and ready to go, Bella. We can make like a bread truck and haul buns out of here now!" Emmett bellowed from the hallway, already haulin' buns.

"Just try not to think about the camera being in your room, Edward. I'm sure you won't even notice it. If I'm being honest, I don't think we're going to find much of anything, anyways. Most of the time, these things have perfectly logical explanations, and we'll figure it out and put you're mother's mind at ease," I said trying to sound professional, while secretly wishing I could join him in that bed tonight and make a little homemade movie of our own. Yeah, probably not gonna happen, but a girl could dream, couldn't she?

"That's much easier said than done, Ms. Swan. But I do appreciate your enthusiasm. I'm just clinging to the hope that I don't do anything incredibly retarded in my sleep, so I can actually face you again after you see the tapes. It'd definitely be a travesty to not be able to see you again," Edward spoke in sort of a low, seductive voice, but it came off sounding like he might have been constipated more than anything. I thought it was endearing how cute he was, trying to be all suave and charming, when all he really had to do was smile at me, and I would have probably jizzed on the spot.

I thought to myself that I had better get out of here fast, before I did end up asking him to make that adult movie starring me, him and a ghost named Jim. I didn't know who Jim was, but it rhymed, and it definitely sounded like it could have been the name of an awesome porno movie. Okay, now my inner monologue was rambling...I needed to get out of here.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow when we come by to review the tapes. Goodnight, Edward."

"Goodnight, Bella."

EDWARD

This really sucked.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get the image of Bella Swan out of my mind; therefore, I had massive wood that would not go away. I was being recorded while I slept, which Bella would be watching tomorrow, and I would surely have a happy freaking teepee pitched for her in my bed if I couldn't get myself under control.

I was standing in my bathroom, trying to think of anything that was not Bella, desperately trying to shrink the swelling going on down south. Shriveled saggy boobies, gangly chin mole hairs, dad in a pink tutu flogging the dolphin…yep, that did it.

Finally feeling somewhat normal, I strolled out of the bathroom and climbed into bed. I decided to lie on my side, facing away from the camera, just in case. I couldn't seem to shut my mind down long enough to drift off, though. I couldn't believe the attraction I'd felt for this woman that I had only just met. She was amazing. When she touched me, I would swear I thought I was going to spontaneously combust on contact. I wondered if she felt the same way. The blush on her cheeks tended to make me think she just might.

After lying there for what seemed like a century, I finally gave up trying to do things naturally. There was no way I was going to fall asleep without a little help. I got up and wandered back over to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. I found just what I was looking for…the green death, otherwise known as NyQuil. I figured that should knock my ass out for a few hours. I grabbed it and took a few long pulls straight out of the bottle. I made a disgusted face, as I slammed it down and cringed. Man that stuff tasted like shit. Feeling a little more confident in the fact I might be getting some deep sleep now, without embarrassing dreams getting me worked up, I went back out and plopped down into my bed. I snuggled into my pillow, and before long, I was in the land of the unconscious.

I woke with a start the next morning. I looked around my bed, quickly making sure there were no tents pitched or telltale wet spots anywhere on my sheets. There weren't. Hallelujah! I had managed to make it through the night without doing anything embarrassing, at least that I knew of. I didn't even have the usual case of morning wood. Feeling a rush of confidence, I threw my blankets back and hopped out of bed. I was about halfway to the bathroom, before I realized something was off, literally. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked down. Oh, for the love of NyQuil-induced comas! Where in the hell were my pants? Cockzilla was staring at the floor in all his naked glory. Not forgetting the fact that I had a camera pointing right at me, I glanced up at it with a look of sheer terror and sprinted for the bathroom. Dear God! I could only hope my mom and dad's tape was remotely as humiliating as mine. How was I going to look Bella in the eye ever again? My life sucked.

BELLA

I went over to the Cullen home first thing after I'd woken up. I couldn't wait to start reviewing the tapes on this case. Watching someone sleep was typically pretty boring and tedious, but I couldn't seem to wipe the smile from my face thinking about watching Edward sleep. I didn't see him when I went to the house, unfortunately. He must have left already. Oh well, I had hours of uninterrupted Edward gawking time ahead of me. I couldn't wait.

After I had the tapes, I stopped to pick up Jasper on my way home. He volunteered to help me review the recordings. I much preferred his help to Emmett's, since Em tended to have the attention span of a two-year-old with ADHD, and the maturity to match.

Jasper and I settled in on my couch, each with a laptop, and popped up the footage from last night and began watching. Of course, I had the footage from Edward's room, and Jasper took the footage from his parents' room. Since not much went on at night, it was easy to catch something out of place in the room, so we set the video to fast forward, so we weren't sitting there for eight hours being bored out of our minds. If we saw anything out of the ordinary, we'd stop and back up and watch at regular speed.

It looked to me like Edward was having a hard time going to sleep. Not that I could blame him. It was a little creepy knowing someone was watching you. After about an hour of tossing and turning, it looked like he had gotten frustrated and went into the bathroom for some pharmaceutical help. He fell asleep pretty quickly after that. I sat there and looked at his peaceful sleeping face and realized how completely smitten I was with this man I had just met. I think if he was not too creeped out by me, I might just ask him out when this was all done with.

About three hours into the night, according to the time stamp in the corner of the screen, I noticed something. A white mist-like haze drifted passed the bed and then disappeared. A minute later, I saw the end of the bed dip, like someone had sat down on it. The indentation progressed up the bed slowly. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. In all of the footage we'd documented so far, I had never actually caught anything unexplained. My heart started racing.

"Hey, Jasper, you've got to see this, come here!" I shouted.

I hit rewind, so he could see it from the beginning. We sat there, perplexed at the sight before us. After a few minutes of what looked like knee indentations working their way up the bed towards Edward, the blankets started making a very slow descent towards his feet. Inch by inch, more of his body was revealed. After about five minutes, the blankets were bunched up down around his feet. He didn't stir, obviously in a very deep sleep.

"Can you believe this?" Jasper said with a look of awe on his face.

"I've never seen anything like this in my life," I replied with my eyes bugging out of their sockets, frozen on the screen in front of me.

Just when I didn't think anything could get cooler than what we had just documented as supernatural evidence, it did. I saw the elastic waistband of Edward's pajama pants start inching slowly down his hips. With each passing minute, a little more of his flesh was revealed. I couldn't even have blink if I'd wanted to. There in front of me was Edward in all of his naked male sexiness. Even limp, his penis could only be described as magnificent.

I suddenly felt a little uneasy. I felt like one of those dirty guys at the nudie bar that went into that private room, stuck his money in the slot, and watched some poor naked girl in a room with one-way glass. I think Jasper was having the same feeling. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him cringe.

"Okay, I know being a dude and all, I shouldn't have my eyes plastered to a screen full of sausage, but I just can't look away," Jasper's face had a look of disgust, excitement and confusion all rolled into one as he spoke.

"I know what you mean. I can't believe what I'm seeing. Not only do we have documented evidence of a spiritual nature, but I get a cheap thrill in the process. I've never seen a more beautiful wiener in all my life." Oh shit! My verbal filter was off. I couldn't believe I'd just said that out loud.

My comment finally prompted Jasper to look away from the screen. He looked over at me with his eyebrows raised in question, yet an all-too-knowing look on his face.

"You've got the hots for our client, don't you?" Jasper asked with a giant cheesy grin.

"Look at that magnificence on the screen. How could I not?"

"Well, then let's get back to the show and see what happens next," Jasper said, as we both turned our attention back to the screen.

Another five minutes or so lapsed, and Edward was just lying there with his pants around his ankles and his limp manhood exposed. Then I noticed the bed dip again up by his hip. Moments later, what was previously a limp noodle, started slowly erecting into a majestic skyscraper of flesh. Edward was now at full mast, still sound asleep.

My jaw hit the floor. What in the hell was happening? It was obvious that Esme had been right. These men were being molested in their sleep by some unseen force. I think I might have been in over my head. It was much easier being able to debunk the paranormal than actually dealing with the reality of it. I'd never thought I would have to.

Edward started squirming a bit in the bed, obviously being celestially pleasured. He let out a low guttural moan and flipped suddenly over onto his stomach, his glorious backside now on display. Once he flipped, all movement and sound stopped.

I continued watching on fast forward throughout the rest of the nights' footage. Edward managed to kick his pants off completely at some point and rolled back over onto his back. I was not sure which view was better to be honest with you. He had an incredible backside, but holy hell did he ever have a nice pork sword going on. He eventually got cold and pulled the blankets back up over himself, and from there on, the video was pretty boring. Until he woke up that was.

It was the cutest thing I had ever seen in my life. He shot straight up from a sound sleep and started looking around frantically. His hair, which was usually in a state of disarray, was even more so now, looking sort of like a bird's nest on his head. He patted around in the sheets looking for something, but seemed to be pleased when he couldn't find it. Hmmm, that was odd.

By this point in time, to be honest, it had sort of slipped my mind that he was naked under those blankets. That was until he got up. He didn't seem to notice at first, as he stretched and scratched the back of his head, making his way towards the bathroom. All of a sudden, he stopped abruptly, looked down, jerked a bit in realization as he shot a panicked glance at the camera, and then ran for the bathroom.

About an hour later, I noticed the camera pan around to the right and stop, facing the wall. I guess Edward had had enough of the voyeurism for one night.

I turned and looked over at Jasper.

"Well, that was certainly interesting. How did Edward's dad sleep last night?" I asked Jasper.

His face was contorted in some weird way that made him look like he was smelling a really bad fart or something. He looked at me and turned the laptop screen in my direction.

"You're not going to believe this," he said wide-eyed.

I watched the screen in stunned amazement at what was happening in the Cullen master bedroom...

A/N: Sorry about the cliffie, but it had to be done. Let me know what you think!