Chapter Four

Renessmee's Point of View

I was so scared when my dad didn't say anything and even more so when grandpa had to drag him outside. Now that I sit in my room nervous, I feel an undying urge inside the pit of my stomach, one that I know all too often. But I was being ridiculous; I shouldn't have to be nervous. Why was I nervous? My eyes kept wondering my bathroom door where under the counter lays the broken compass that I had purchased months ago for my geometry class but now holds a different use. Every time I looked at the bathroom I had to restrain myself from having to go up and run to the sharp object. When I was about to give into my desires I heard someone at the door and when I welcomed whomever was on the other side of the door, I was surprised to find my father and Carlisle there!

"We need to talk about something…"

"Ok" I said looking down at my bed sheets and twirling my fingers through my stuffed animal. Carlisle came and sat on one side of the bed while my dad made his way to other side.

"Honey, I know you probably do not want to talk about it but we have to talk about some stuff" my dad began, "firstly, does Jacob know and do you plan on telling him?"

I had thought about this a lot today, I wanted to tell Jacob but at the same time I didn't want him to think I was a freak or something.

"Nessie, you know Jacob would never think of you as a freak" my dad said clearly reading into my thoughts.

"So you think I should tell him?" I asked them both.

"I think it would be best if he knew" Carlisle said, "one more person who can support you in your recovery" my father finished as he twirled his finger around one of my curls.

I nodded and by doing that they both knew I didn't want to talk about it anymore so they moved on to the next topic.

"Renessmee, I have a friend of mine who is very experienced in treating what you are going through" Carlisle started but I quickly interrupted.

"I don't want to go see a…" I couldn't bring myself to say the correct word, "a doctor"

I heard my dad give a light sigh before he began talking, "Nessie, I know this is going to be hard for you but I'm afraid this decision is out of your hands. We are just telling you so you can prepare. You know I hate not giving you a choice but this is your health we have at stake here and when your health is involve your mother and I have the last word." He said and I could tell he was hoping I wouldn't argue with him.

"Dad, I really don't like talking about these feelings" I said not meeting his eyes but he knew that was the truth. I hated having to talk about my emotions. I preferred to keep them bottled away for no one to see.

"I know but that is very unhealthy, stuff like suppressing your emotions can lead to stuff like…" he paused, "well like self-mutilation".

I knew I wasn't going to win this argument so I surrendered, "so when do I have to go see this doctor?" I asked Carlisle.

"Well his name is Dr. Caldwell but he will probably ask you to call him Logan and he is also a vampire so you can be completely honest with him about everything, he won't tell anyone and your first appointment is Monday at 4 o' clock in the afternoon"

"So soon" I whispered.

"The sooner, the better" my dad spoke, "and one more thing I'm really curious about is how did you get this far without any one in the family noticing the fact that you self-harm, we would have smelled the blood."

"That part was simple, most of the time I cut myself in the bathroom so the blood washes away quickly and is diluted in water and when I shower rarely any one is home with me so it's not like you would notice and my cuts are not deep enough that they'll continue bleeding. If I apply pressure the bleeding will stop immediately" I said pausing for a moment, "but when I was first starting out I did it at school during lunch in the bathroom"

He nodded and I knew that he was deep in thought, "I really am sorry" I said still not meeting his eyes. It wasn't long though before I felt his fingers touch my chin willing my eyes to look at his.

"Renessmee, I am not mad at you, no one is mad at you, if I am anything it's thankful that you told me about this because it would have been worse had I found out some other way. Everyone in our family loves you and cares for you so when we learned that you were in such emotional pain we were so worried. We don't want you to feel trapped or like you have no one"

"I know you guys are worried about me but I hate showing my weakness so to…deal with the stuff I was dealing with I guess I…did this instead"

Carlisle and my father exchanged glances; this was probably only confirming their statement about me needing to go see a psychiatrist.

"We just want you to know that anyone in the family is here for you- 24/7, no matter what. Never be scared to tell us anything." My father said as he bent down and kissed my forehead.

I knew that my family would do anything for me but I guess all this started because I didn't want to share any of my feelings with anybody. I had straight A's, a rich family as well as a loving family and I also had Jacob. I had the ideal life, so why wasn't I happy? Thinking about Jacob made me think about having to tell him and what I would do if I ever lost him. Maybe I should tell him.

"Dad, grandpa, I really want to be alone right now if you don't mind" I said and with the finishing of my sentence they were both off the bed and walking toward the door.

"Carlisle and I will be downstairs, let us know if you need anything" grandpa said as he left out the door closing it behind them as they left. When I knew they were downstairs I got my phone and sent a text message to Jacob.

"Can you please come to my house?"

It was a simple text and he wouldn't know that anything is wrong but his reply was almost instantaneous:

"Sure babe, anything for you! I'll be there soon. ;)"

I smiled as I read the text.

While the minutes passed waiting for Jacob I thought about what I would tell him and practiced it while I paced my bedroom floor.

"Jacob, I self-harm" I said staring at myself in the mirror for a minute and then mumbling, "no, that's too straight forward"

I kept pacing the floor of my bedroom digging through my mind for the right words to tell Jacob when all of a sudden I bumped into something hard and burning hot, "Sorry babe, I thought you heard me come in" he spoke, "what's on your mind?"

"Jacob" I swallowed the lump in my throat, "you'll love me no matter what…right?" I needed to hear the confirmation.

He instantly lost his humorous face and became serious, "Of course Nessie! Always! Why would you even ask that?" he asked as his hot hand caressed my cheek. I looked away from his eyes and down at the floor, "I just needed to know" I said in almost a whisper. I swallowed another lump and with a new found determination I turned around having every intention of telling him but once I saw his eyes I melted and couldn't do it….but I had to anyway, I would force myself to tell him. This would be a test to see if our love could withstand something like this.

"Jacob, it has been a very rough two years in high school and…" I paused, "as time passed I hope it would become less difficult but it was the complete opposite! It only got harder and harder! The guys are calling me a slut and whore; they also say I have several STD's. The girls at school tell me I'm ugly and I should go kill myself!" tears were falling down my cheek but I quickly made them disappear.

"Nessie, why didn't you tell me this before, I could have done something. Your parents could have home schooled you, you could have changed schools. I don't want you struggling by yourself when you have so many people who support you" he came over and wrapped his arms around me but I didn't lift my arms to hug him back.

Now or never I thought in my mind and as he pulled away I bit my lip and said "Jake, they've done a lot of damage, much more than I can fix on my own, they've damaged my self-esteem, my confidence, my hope but most of all they damaged me by making me do something that I swore I would never get addicted to….but eventually did" I pulled up my sleeve and showed him my arm revealing all the little imperfection that were hidden underneath it.

He was speechless for a while but it wasn't long before he began to move towards me and once again bring me into a tight hug, "I will never let anyone say another bad thing about you ever again and if I do see them saying something bad about you, they will deeply regret it!"

Tear fell lightly onto his shirt as I cried, "I'm so sorry Jake, and I've hurt everyone"

"Hey, hey" Jake said pulling away and lifting my chin, "I'd take all the hurt in the world for you if it meant that you wouldn't hurt this much. I love you more than I can explain and that's all that matters to me." He bent down and kissed me on my forehead. I stood there in his arms for a while before he pulled away and looked at me.

"We need to talk though…" he said as he sat down at the edge of my bed, beckoning for me to sit next to him.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked nervously.

"Well for starters, do you parents know and for how long have they known?"

"Umm…they've known for about an hour so not too long. I told Carlisle this morning and he insisted that I tell the family so he called them and told them to come home early from their hunting trip. Then Carlisle and my father told me that I should tell you-" Jacob was quick to cut me off.

"Wait! You weren't planning on telling me at all?" he spoke and I could feel the anger beginning to radiate off of him.

"No, I eventually was but…" I stopped afraid to say the next part fearing he might think it's for the best, "But…I didn't want you to think I was a….a freak" I said in something far softer than a whisper!

The anger quickly dissolved from his eyes understanding that I wasn't lying to him just fearful of what the outcome would be "Renessmee Carlie Cullen, you must not realize how much I truly love you! Nothing you say or do will make me think otherwise"

I smiled down at my hands as I heard that and he lifted my chin brining his lips to mine, "I love you" he whispered into my ear, "and don't you ever doubt anything less than that".

After that we laid down in bed, just enjoying each other's company until the light in the room began slowly disappearing and before I could tell I was in the dark and the moon was shining through the glass. I dozed off right but not right before feeling Jacob kiss my forehead.

Author's Note: Hello Everyone! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! The next one will be about her first visit to the psychiatrist and how she handles it. How do you think Nessie will react to going to see a psychiatrist? As well I promise you that there will be more Jacob/Nessie scenes as the story develops. So please review and remember that once again those who review will get a preview of the next chapter.

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