A/N I hope you guys enjoy this. Thank you for all the reviews. When I'm not sleep deprived I will reply to you guys. Until then, you'll just have to trust that I love all of your wonderful reviews. Sailaway, there will be some flashbacks from when she broke up with him in the next chapter. Um, there are two chapters left of this story. R/R, enjoy!

I haven't spoken to Marissa in three weeks. She's been over at the house and we've caught the other's eye, but we don't really acknowledge each other. I know she's trying to give me my space and is hoping it will all blow over with time, but she's going to be in for a major letdown when she finds out that my feelings are going to stay the same until the day I die, which will hopefully be soon. The search for the gun so far has turned up inconclusive. It frustrates me all the time that I can't find the gun. It's like the universe just doesn't want me dead or something.

I'm at the doctor's office right now waiting for them to call me in. Kirsten is sitting beside me fidgeting with her hands which can only mean she's up to something. I look over at her and raise my eyebrows. "Is there something you want to tell me?" I ask. She shakes her head and I roll my eyes. "I know it's something because you refuse to look at me and you're messing with your hands, so why don't you just save yourself the trouble and tell me?" She opens her mouth to speak, but then the door opens and in walks Marissa. She shuts her mouth and smiles instead. "Oh," I say disgustedly, a sigh escaping me.

Marissa comes and sits in between me and Kirsten, earning an even bigger look of disgust to come about on my face. "Sorry I'm late, I was changing Larry and making sure everything was okay for my mom…"

Kirsten gives Marissa a half hug and says, "All that matters is that you made it. I'm sure Ryan is pleased, aren't you Ryan?" She looks over at me with a look that told me to be nice, but I didn't really feel like listening to her.

"Nope," I reply, leaning back in my chair.

"It's nice to see you too," Marissa mumbles under her breath, thinking I can't hear her.

I roll my eyes and ask, "What makes you think you even have the right to be here?"

Kirsten sighs and says, "I invited her."

"I'm not talking to you," I say, glaring at the two of them. Kirsten looks as if I physically hit her, but Marissa just stares me out of disappointed eyes.

"I don't need to put up with your anger anymore. You two have some issues you need to work out, so I'm just going to leave," Kirsten says, standing and refusing to look at me.

"Kirsten," I say, more of a whine than anything.


"No, you two stay here," Kirsten says, and then walks out before she can cry in front of me.

"Nice going, you hurt Kirsten too," Marissa says, shaking her head in disgust.


"You're one to talk about hurting people," I say through clenched teeth, refusing to look at her.

"The longer you hold that inside of you, the more it's going to eat you up and before long you're going to realize that there's no need to be angry at me," Marissa says, staring at me intently.

"There's no need to be angry at you?!" I yell, earning the glare of the receptionist. I sigh and lower my voice. "It seems like I have every right to be mad at you."


"That may be true, but you have no right for being mad at Kirsten," Marissa adds, shaking her head again.

"She's butting in where no one wants her," I reply, staring straight ahead.

"I want her in my life, and she wants me in yours and hers, so obviously someone wants her," She says angrily.

I ignore her statement and continue. "She thinks that we're going to get married or something, and she's getting prepared for you to be her daughter-in-law, but I have news for you both…it's never going to happen. I think I'd rather marry anyone than you and the sooner you realize that, the happier we'll all be."

Marissa doesn't say anything, just stares down at her hands. I wonder if she's about to cry, but don't let it get to me. After everything she deserves to feel my anger right? She started all of this, after all. She didn't have to do what she did. She could've let me help her.

"Ryan Atwood, the doctor's ready to see you now," I hear someone say. I stand and stare at Marissa who composes herself and then stands, offering me a smile.

"Hopefully we'll get some good news," She says, her eyes glistening. I have to wonder if she was just talking about the doctor.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mark checks some things on Ryan but I don't really know what. I just sort of sit there in the chair provided with my arms crossed over my chest thinking about what Ryan said in the lobby. I know I shouldn't let his anger get to me, but it still hurt to hear him say that. Wasn't it just last year that we were talking about spending forever together? I know it's my fault and that I'm the one that pushed away, but I just wish that he could see why I did that. It wasn't for my enjoyment, because living a life without him was pure hell, but it was that I wanted to make a better life for him. That obviously backfired.

"I'll be back in a little bit with more information," Mark says, and then looks at me. "So, dinner tonight? I know of this nice little Italian restaurant that I'm sure you and your mom would love."

I shrug and say, "Sounds great. I'll talk to my mom about it in a little bit."

He nods and says, "Okay, I'll call you then."

When he walks away I see Ryan staring at me in disbelief and jealousy. I laugh and he bitterly asks, "What's so funny?"

"You," I reply. He raises his eyebrows and I giggle. "Mark--"

He cuts me off by saying, "Oh, so you're on the first name basis…great."

I giggle some more and say, "Ryan, Mark is Steve's brother. He's been helping my mom and me out since Steve got arrested."

Ryan frowns and his eyebrows furrow. "I didn't know Steve had a brother.'

I shrug and honestly say, "I didn't either until I met him."

"So that's why you guys were talking that one time in the hallway?" Ryan asks, realization dawning on him. I nod and he says, "Oh."

"Why, did you think I seriously would consider going out with him?" I ask softly, staring into Ryan's eyes. It pains me to see how guarded he is around me now, and I can't make it into his soul like I used to. When he doesn't say anything I softly murmur, "I could never date anyone but you."

He doesn't say anything and Mark comes back in. He smiles at us warmly and then looks at Ryan. "So now that the examination is over, is there anything you want to talk to me about? Any pain?"

Ryan nods and says, "It hurts to walk and my back constantly hurts too. How long until that goes away?"

Mark frowns and says, "I can up your pain medication, but it's not going to go away anytime soon, if ever at all."

Ryan stares at him blankly and asks, "What do you mean, 'if ever at all'? I'll be fine to do everything I used to right?"

Mark sighs and sits down in his rolling chair. "I told you when you were in the hospital that things were going to be difficult, but tests show that the bullet that got you in the back hit a nerve. You're lucky to be walking at all."

"So you're saying if I ever wanted to play basketball or any other sport again I won't be able to?" Ryan asks, staring intently at the doctor. I put my hand over one of his but he flinches and pulls away.

"I'm sorry, I thought I made it clear last time…" Mark says, clearly at a loss.

"You've got to be kidding me," Ryan says, standing up and pacing a little bit. I see how such a small act causes him pain and I try to comfort him in some way again, but he shakes me off.

"With extensive physical therapy you could start playing again, but you'd never be as good as you once were," Mark says, letting a long sigh escape his lips. "I'm sorry, I wish there was more I could do.."

"There isn't," Ryan snaps at him. He glances at me with agony burning in his eyes and my heart breaks for him. He walks towards the door and says, "I can't be here."

"Ryan…" I say softly, my voice a broken whisper.

He doesn't turn but freezes right where he is. He looks down at his shoes and then says, "I just need to be alone right now."

I watch him walk away and turn to Mark. "You probably could've said that in a better way," I say with a sigh.

He nods and says, "I didn't mean for it to come out that way.."

I shake my head and say, "I know."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When I showed up at the Cohen house without Ryan, Kirsten started to freak out. "You actually let him go off on his own in this state?! I thought you knew better than to do that! He could be hurt!"

I roll my eyes and say, "He's fine, Kirsten. He just needs his space."

"No, what he needs is family. He doesn't know what he needs," Kirsten argues.

I shake my head and go sit on the couch. "He's fine."

"We don't even know where he is! He could be anywhere and without a car in his condition!" She starts pacing back and forth.

"I know exactly where he is," I tell her, closing my eyes.

"How?" She asks, settling down enough to sit down on the couch next to me.

I smile a little and open my eyes. "It's the same place where I go when I need to think. He's going to be alright. I'll go get him in a couple of hours. Until then, he just needs to sort things out for himself."

"You better be right about this," She says, letting out a huff.

I laugh and say, "I'm one hundred percent sure I know where he is."

"Does he know that you know?" She asks, glancing over at me.

I shake my head and say, "No, and he'll never know. He needs to think that he has the upper hand for once, and I can give that to him." I look over at the mother of the boy I love and softly say, "It's the least I can do."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I had been sitting at the lifeguard station for two hours when I finally saw someone walking towards it. I wasn't surprised when I saw Marissa making her way up the ramp. She looked like she was out of breath and worried. "I've been looking all over for you! You had me worried sick!" She says, sitting down at the spot next to me.

"I didn't say you could sit down," I mumble.

She smiles and points out, "But you didn't say I couldn't."

We're quiet for a few minutes before I finally break the silence. "I can't believe it's never going to be the same, that I won't be able to walk or play like I used to."

She remains silent for a moment and then softly says, "I thought you wanted to be an architect."

I nod and say, "I do, but I always imagined that my kids would look up at me as the cool dad that could play basketball in the driveway with them or that can run beside them as they learn how to ride a bike." I sigh. "But now I'm just going to be the dad that got injured in war and is now boring."

"You're still going to be the great dad," She says softly, taking one of my hands in both of hers. I don't pull back and she smiles a little. "You're going to be the dad that all of the other dads are jealous of."

I shake my head and say, "No, I'm just going to be the cripple." I sigh and lean my head back against the lifeguard station. It briefly crosses my mind that if I was to kill myself then I wouldn't have to worry about this, but so far it doesn't seem like finding the gun is very likely so I'll have to deal with this for now.

Marissa shakes her head and says, "No, you're going to be a great husband and a great father…whoever the lucky girl is."

I turn and look at her to find her staring at me in that way that gives me the creeps; almost like I'm some divine being. I look down out my hand in hers and contemplate removing it, but just can't. I'm tired of being angry at her all the time. "Thanks," I murmur quietly, refusing to look at her face.

She leans her head on my shoulder and I tense but don't say anything. She takes this as a small victory and starts to play with my hand. She traces a line on my palm and says, "This means you're going to live a long life…and this means you're going to be married for a long time."

"Oh really, does it say who to?" I ask, wondering how far she'll take this game of hers.

She shakes her head and quietly says, "No, it could be anybody."

I smile slightly, happy that she didn't make this about her for once. We remain quiet for a little bit and I look down at her left hand, the promise ring catching my eye. "You still have this?" I ask, running my thumb over it. I feel shivers make their way down my spine.

"Yeah, I wear it everyday," She says softly.

I don't know if it's the way she's being so mellow or the fact that she still cares enough to publicly show that she belongs to me, but for that small moment I soften towards her. I look at her and see her staring out at the water, her head still rested on my shoulder, her hands still holding mine. I don't know why I feel the need to speak, but I find myself saying, "Thanks….for not making a big deal about everything. I know Kirsten's worried but you being so calm makes things easier."

She turns her head so that she's looking at me and nods. "It's no problem," She says, her eyes staring into mine. Before I know it she's looking into the depths of my heart, just like she always used to. I wonder how she managed to get past my walls today.

She rests her head again and lifts my hand. She presses her lips against each individual finger of mine and then takes one of my fingers and presses it to my lips. I raise my eyebrows and she giggles a little bit. "I know you don't want to hear it, but I really do love you," She says, kissing my fingers again.

I swallow the lump forming in my throat and say, "I know."

She smiles and leans in to kiss the center of my palm. Her kiss feels like a physical brand, almost as if she's making me hers. Despite my anger, I come to the conclusion that she's not as bad as I made her out to be in my head. When she pulls her lips away, I close my fist and she kisses my knuckles. I keep my fist closed until we leave, believing that maybe I could keep her kiss with me forever.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I don't know what happened to Ryan while I was gone, but I guess he bought my "I've been searching for you for a long time," act. I drive him back to the Cohen house and when we get there he doesn't get out right away, just stares forward. "So…thanks again," He says, sounding almost nervous.

I smile and say, "It was nothing, really. Tell Kirsten I told her so though."

"Told her what?" He asks confusedly, his eyebrows furrowing together.

I laugh and say, "Nothing."

He raises his eyebrows at me and smiles a little. He looks at me for a minute before rubbing the back of his neck and saying, "So…I was thinking…"

"Mhmm?" I murmur, watching him curiously.

"Well, today, after the initial anger, turned out to be pretty nice," He admits, which I can tell is hard for him to do. I bite my lip to keep myself from smiling widely, which would probably just damage my progress.

"Yeah, I agree," I say quietly, searching his eyes.

"So I was thinking…" He trails off, looking down at his left hand in his lap. "Well, maybe it might be fun if we go to dinner sometime.."

It's almost impossible for me to contain the joy bursting out of me, but I do and say, "Oh, well, that sounds like a good idea."

He looks over at me and smiles a little. "Okay, Monday at seven? I'll pick you up?" I nod and he starts to open the door, then turns back to me. "Actually, you can drive now…why don't you pick me up?"

I smile widely and say, "Sounds great." He nods and I say, "Goodnight, Ryan."

He looks at me for a long moment, the expression in his eyes unreadable. He nods and softly says, "Goodnight, Marissa," and then walks away.