A/N This is one of the hardest stories I've ever had to write... It's a very emotionally complex ordeal, and I have issue with deciding how everyone would react, the feelings behind a lot of this, the confusion and hurt for everyone involved. I literally wrote this chapter over about four times, and I'm still not completely happy with it. Let me know what you all think.

It still hurt. Even as she lay there in Finn's arms, their lips mashed together and tongues searching each other's mouthes, her kisses desperate and his hesitant but compliant, it still hurt. She thought maybe if she did what Brittany did, if she gave herself to another, that she might feel better. She might feel that they were even, she might understand what Brittany got out of it. But it wasn't helping; in fact it didn't do a damn thing but make her want to scream and cry out with frustration.

Instead of stopping like her brain was telling her to, she deepened their juncture, teeth gnashing at his, wrapping a leg around Finn's waist and reaching a hand between their tightly pressed bodies to fumble with the zipper of his jeans. Her motions were frenzied, her entire body shaking as she attempted to wrest Finn of his clothing. She had to, she had to know what it felt like for Brittany, savor the knowledge that she could be just as cold and cruel if she wanted to.

Gasping for air, Finn stopped her and pulled away, pushing her gently from him. She cried out at the loss of contact, but he did nothing to soothe her, keeping her at bay with one hand on her upper arm, grasping her hard so she couldn't move any closer.

"What in the hell are we doing?" Finn asked breathlessly with a shake of his head, turning over on his back and staring at her with a mixture of confusion and distress.

Santana ignored everything about his reaction, reaching for his face and trying to kiss him again, frantic. He jerked away and then took her by both wrists and sat up, urging her further away from him with a little push. He shook his head profusely, bringing a closed hand up to his forehead as he tried to regain control over what was happening.

"Santana, no. This is wrong!" he said sharply, and she could tell he was having a hard time containing his emotion. "I'm not sleeping with a married woman and I'm not letting you make this mistake either. I'm a fucking idiot for letting it get this far; you're upset, we were drinking..."

Her breath hitched in her throat as tears began to prick her eyes. Santana froze, looking at Finn as if she might just pass out right there. She didn't care. She didn't want to think about it, she just wanted to do it. Couldn't he tell she needed this, needed to hurt Brittany like she hurt her? Needed to feel something else other than what she was feeling at that moment? Anything was better than this constant pain she was in.

"Finn, please, please," she pleaded, her voice wavering waterly as she started to cry. "I need you..."

Again she went for him, practically throwing herself into his chest. Instead of shoving her away like he had been, he caught her and clutched her tightly to him, a hand moving to smooth down her hair.

"No, you don't. You don't need me at all," he said firmly, although his voice far from even, too overwrought. "This isn't about me; this is about Brittany."

At her name Santana started to weep, and Finn sighed, resting his chin on the top of her head. She still clung to his shoulder, balling up her hands in the fabric of his shirt and sobbing noiselessly. He let her go on as he patted her back and tried to comfort her.

She felt his chest heave as he exhaled deeply, recognizing the fact that he was upset with what they were doing easily because she felt the same way. Finn was a good guy; he would never have done this if she hadn't been so insistent, and everything had moved so fast that it would have been hard for him to stop her sooner... She'd known ever since she led him into the bedroom that he didn't want to, that they shouldn't be doing this, but in her desperation she had ignored what she knew was right. She forced herself because she thought it might make the incessant ache in her heart stop. Obviously it didn't, because now she felt even worse, adding shame and guilt to the multitude of emotions she was experiencing.

"It was me, I made you..." Santana said quickly, a hiccup breaking up her sentences. A rush of remorse overtook her, but she couldn't deny her skewed reasoning. "I just wanted her to hurt like she hurt me. But I love her too much to do it..." She sagged against him, unable to hold herself upright from the crippling pain raging in her heart. "How stupid is that? That I still love her so much I can't even cheat on a cheater?"

"You're not that person, Santana, I know you're not," Finn assured, finally calming down after wrapping his mind around the situation.

"How could she do this to me? If she loved me, how could she? I can't understand," Santana said softly, her voice breaking. "I love her. I built my life with her, my entire life. How could she do that to me? She didn't even just break my heart, she broke me, Finn. So much that I tried to put the moves on one of my best friends just out of spite and hurt. I can't understand."

"I don't think you should have to understand it. She shouldn't have done it," Finn said simply. "What is there to understand about that?"

"I think I need to leave," Santana said suddenly, pulling away from Finn and getting up, reaching for her shirt on the floor. The fact that Finn could be right, that it could be that simple pained her more than anything. She was embarrassed to still be standing in Finn's presence, knowing what could have happened here tonight. What was she thinking?

"Santana..." Finn scrambled up after her, grabbing her arm loosely. "Don't. It's late; you're in no condition to drive right now." Santana stopped, shirt hanging limply in her grasp as she hung her head, face flushed.

"I can't stay here, not after..."

"Listen, hetero-revenge was a bad idea, and we both know that. Let's just forget it happened, okay?" Finn suggested, his eyes pleading with his friend. "I already failed you once as a friend tonight, don't let me do it again. You and Maya are welcome here as long as you need. It's the least I can do."

She considered his offer for a few moments, her head swimming. She needed somewhere to go and she knew what happened wouldn't be happening again any time soon... She'd scared herself enough as it was, just knowing she was capable of considering something like that as a viable option for coping. How did she become this person? How did she drag Finn into this?

"Stop thinking about it and just say yes," Finn spoke up, breaking her train of thought. He was watching her carefully, as if she might explode at any second. She felt she might do just that.

"Okay," she replied after a length. She was still unsure, but she couldn't be trusted to make any choices tonight. She sat back down on the bed, and Finn patted her on the shoulder tenderly. He looked at her with apologetic eyes, his brows knit together in worry.

"I'm sorry, Santana. For everything."

"I'm sorry I'm such a fucking mess and you have to pick up the pieces," Santana retorted, wiping her face with her free hand to brush away the tracks of her tears.

"Hey, stop," Finn ordered in a quiet voice. "Shit happens, okay? I'm here for you, and Maya. Whatever you need."

She'd almost forgotten her sleeping daughter, bedded down in the guest bedroom down the hall. She was just as much a victim as Santana, if not more so. Her utter incompetence to give her daughter what she'd never had, a functioning family, made her want to lay down and die right then and there. If she couldn't do right by her own child, how could she expect to fix this giant catastrophy?

Finn was ready for her this time, drawing her into his arms and cooing at her, attempting to soothe her.

"You can talk to me, San. Just let it out," he urged, tightening his grip on her as her whole body shook. When she spoke it was brokenly and barely audible, but he made it out well enough.

"I feel like I'm failing Maya. She deserves a happy family, and I had to take her from the only home she ever knew, out of school, away from her friends and her mom..." Santana trailed off, her eyes brimming with tears yet again.

Maya was her pride and joy, her everything now. She knew her daughter was one of the reasons she never confronted Brittany about her infidelity until it just couldn't be avoided any longer; it would mean destroying their lives as they knew them.

A twenty eight year old could work through it (as hard as that was turning out to be) and could understand enough to know that this wasn't the end of everything, no matter how much it felt like it. But for a child it wasn't that easy, and Santana wanted to protect her for as long as she could. Even after she found out what Brittany was doing, she didn't let the interactions between them change, afraid Maya would notice a shift and question her, start doubting her family's stability.

Even now they were pretending everything was okay, Santana simply telling her daughter that they were going on vacation and Mama couldn't come because of her work. She couldn't keep it up for forever, she knew, but for now she was going to try to keep her little girl as untainted as possible.

Finn sighed, resting a hand on her shoulder. While he understood Santana's pain, he also thought it was silly for her to feel bad for doing the one thing she was best at: being a mother. Mothers wanted what was best for their children, or what they think is best. Santana was doing what she felt was right, and Finn really couldn't argue with her logic.

"You did what you had to do, Santana. No one is going to blame you for that. And Maya is too little to understand what is going on. To her, this is an adventure."

There was a long pause, Santana mulling over Finn's words. She cast her eyes downward, unable to look him in the eyes, the meer thought of what she was about to say making her want to cry again. She hadn't allowed herself to entertain this thought, let alone say it outloud.

"What if it's permanent?"

"Is it going to be?" Finn asked slowly, knowing how much even considering that option pained his friend. She shrugged her shoulders noncommitally, and he pressed further. "Do you want to work things out with Brittany?"

"I love her, Finn, I always will... But I don't know if it's worth it."