The next few weeks passed in a blur for Loki.
The team attended party after party (Tony's idea), crossing the world almost daily. Loki assumed the endless barrage was to get all their minds off the gem locked away in their home.
A numbing routine soon developed.
Preparing, embellishing suits with accessories, scarves, whatever fit the fluctuating weather as they traveled. Straightening ties, smiling at powerful donors to Stark Industries, and ignoring tabloid reporters hovering outside the events like vultures looking for the latest rumor to spin about the world's most unique, dysfunctional family.
Once inside whatever venue the swirl of greeters, rich puffed CEOs in companies Loki couldn't bring himself to care about but smiled at anyway, younger interns who nervously asked for a picture or autograph, anyone in between. Losing the team in the crowd, spotting them occasionally, smiling stiffly, or loosely at someone he didn't recognize. The efforts he made to not lose Tony after a troubling pattern began to develop.
The alcohol, he counted each one of Tony's drinks, quietly turning away servers when his friend began to sway. Fear eating away at him as he gripped Tony's arm, keeping both of them present, and Tony steady. Fear that this was likely his own fault.
Afterwards, the difficult extraction of the team, packing hurriedly into a sleek black bulletproof van with hurried, tired, goodbyes and continued avoidance of the paparazzi's cameras. Loki always gripped Tony tightest, kept him most upright, when cameras were nearby. The muted ride back, sloppy, slow conversations that betrayed exhaustion. The trek from the car back to whatever place they stayed for the day, a nice hotel or one of Tony's many properties.
Much later, sitting on a bed that was not his own. Knowing that within seconds that he could return to his bed in the Tower, knowing that was not the point of this. Wondering if they were punishing him, if this was one big prank, that they would pull the wool from his eyes and say they taught him a lesson about not trusting your teammates. Wondering how he could miss the point so spectacularly. Fingers tracing the golden encasing he had molded around the Space Gem that he wore around his neck. Guilt, knowing he should tell them, he wanted to tell them when the time was right.
Telling himself that it would be fine, that the Space Gem was not like its counterpart. He had stolen it away because it wasn't safe on Asgard, but it was safe with him, he continued to convince himself of that. He could master it, unlike the Mind Gem, which scared the rest of the team, he could master this one's power for their needs without worry.
His fears that they would not understand. Knowing that every day he waited he made it harder, made them less likely to believe him, made it more likely that someone on Asgard would realize he had replaced the now shattered Tesseract with a duplicate.
The situation made him sick to his stomach. But he deserved it, he had brought it upon himself.
00000
Whirlwind nights had defined Tony's youth; sad ones, angry ones, the occasional happy ones, he had experienced them all. He knew what he was doing to himself, he was the resident expert at drowning his feelings in expensive liquor. The stress mounted and the vodka tasted better with every sip.
The worries that Loki was still accessing the Mind Gem, that it had permanently affected him, affected all of them. The fear that he could lose his weird little family unit because of some stupid alien stone.
In each drink was a way to forget the fears a little more. Nights devolved into a haze, but he always woke up in a bed he belonged in, safe, if nauseous, and with half remembered memories of the night before. He never asked, he knew how it looked, he saw the glances Steve gave him when they first encountered each other in the morning, or sometimes afternoon, especially if he already toted a half finished glass of whiskey. He never questioned how he ended up safe in bed, in pajamas that he often didn't knew he owned, it was another worry he didn't want to have to drown.
The distance in Loki's eyes, it scared him the most. His worries that it was connected to something more than the gem. Even though Thor and some modicum of his own common sense told him that they had done the right thing, part of him worried that they had torn the addictive gem away from his friend too quickly and in doing so had destroyed something that had been there before. Fears that one day Loki would just up and disappear and that their team, his family, would crumble.
He didn't want to sit with his worries, so he drank until he lost count of each glass.
AN: Split a long chapter into two, next part going up soon as long as my internet cooperates.