Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
By DMEX
Ch. 4
12 Angry Women
Time: 16:30 PM Date: After the World Tournament
Place: Roshi's Island
(Master Roshi is watching some video and laughing very perversely)
The FBI's Choppers fly onto the island and bust down the door, beat Roshi up and haul him out of the house
Roshi: What the hell are you doing?
FBI Officer: You're under arrest!
Launch: Wait, on what charges?
Roshi: Yeah, you got nuttin on me!
FBI Officer: Sexual Harassment.
(the cops toss Roshi and haul him to jail)
(Harvey Birdman main opening)
-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-
Harvey (on phone): Why was Billy arrested? You're kidding? Well, he's looking at some hard time…
Peanut is watching Project Boobs on his PSP(he downloaded it on Harvey's computer)
Harvey: Will you stop watching that?
Peanut: Why? It's my video? Harvey: Which you downloaded on MY computer!
* (intercom): Mr. Birdman you have some clients.
Harvey: Send 'em in. (Kid Goku and Kid Krillin walk in)
Harvey: What can I do for you boys?
Krillin: You need to help us get Master Roshi outta jail. He was arrested for Sexual Harassment.
Goku: That's a good thing, right, Krillin?
Krillin: NO DUMMY! That's a bad thing!
(Goku is peeing on Harvey's desk)
Harvey (angry): WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN!
Krillin: You'll have to forgive Goku, he's poorly educated and his mannerisms suck, hence he was practically raised by wolves.
Harvey: I'LL TAKE THE CASE! But you owe me a new desk.
-Prison, Block D, Cell 1-
Harvey: Can't say I'm shocked…
Krillin: Master Roshi, we gotta get you outta jail. You'll get killed, or worse!
Goku: Like what? Krillin: The fact they'll rape him in jail.
Harvey: It won't be easy, but I'll get you out of this.
(Goku pat-pats Irwin)
Irwin (angry): WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YO? Goku: I get it now! You're a boy!
Irwin: OF COURSE I'M A F**KING BOY, YO! WHAT D'YOU EXPECT!
-Court-
Judge: Ichigo Kurosaki Bailiff: Oolong
Prosecutor: Mai Valentine Defense: Harvey Birdman
Oolong: All rise for the most kick ass judge in America, Judge Ichigo Kurosaki.
(Ichigo comes in, but everyone boos him)
Ichigo (angry): SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE HELL UP!
(bangs his gavel)
Ichigo: I don't give a f**k who starts. Just somebody do opening statements…
Harvey: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury-
(12 angry women are in the jury. One of them is Kadea from Ninja Nonsense)
Harvey: (pardon) ladies of the jury, my client has been arrested for a heinous crime. If you convict him, it could ultimately ruin his image and the legacy he brings to-
Ichigo: SHUT YOUR F**KING PIE HOLE! Harvey: But I haven't even-
Ichigo: SHUT IT OR I'LL COME DOWN THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!
Mai: Thank you, Your Honor. This old fart who sits here in this courtroom today is a "Dirty Old Man." Convict him and keep women safe for future generations.
Roshi (angry): I TOOK A BATH LAST TUESDAY!
-Court-
Mai: I call Turtle to the stand. (Turtle is at the stand) Mai: Tell the court what you've observed with Roshi.
Turtle: Where to begin…? There was the time Master Roshi was involved in that dirty Playboy cover girl scheme, the money laundering scheme he had with Onsakamaru and let's not forget when he started peeping in the women's locker room at Endsville Pool.
-Court-
Sheamus: Da guy is a pig! I got blamed for him stealin' Beth Phoenix's unmentionables. If ya don't mind, I'd like to put me foot so far up his ass dat he'll be pukin' up shoelaces and his underwear.
-Court-
Onsakamaru: So I laundered some big bucks… Does that make me a rapist? No… (smokes a cigarette) Does that make me a damn good business man? YA DAMN RIGHT I AM!
Mai: SHUT IT!
Onsakamaru: You wanted me to testify and that's exactly what I'm doing! Everyone, bow your heads and pretend to care as I recite the Pimp's prayer.
(Mai is to her boiling point. You can even see the veins popping in her head)
Mai: OBJECTION! THE WITNESS IS MAKING ME AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE COMPLETELY ANGRY!
Ichigo: The witness is to be detained.
-Court-
Goku: Can I get a 50 ounce steak with some cheese fries and a extra large Mr. Pibb?
(Mai face palms herself for Goku's stupidity which makes everyone in the courtroom laugh)
Ichigo (banging his gavel): ORDER! ORDER IN THE MOTHERF**KING COURT!
Goku: Does that come with ketchup? Krillin: Not that kind of Order, Goku!
Oolong: I'm amazed at your stupidity, kid.
Mai (while trying to hold her anger): The witness may step down…
-Court-
Harvey: State your name. Billy: Billy, sir.
Harvey: Please tell the court in your own words what you were doing in Endsville Pool.
Billy (fast): Grim took me to change in the boys room, but Roshi took me to the girls locker room to get some underwear (DEEP GASPS) SO THAT I COULD ENJOY D CUPS! I got arrested for farting in public.
Ichigo: Court is in recess until 9:30 tomorrow morning. (bangs gavel)
-Chef Kawasaki's Parlor-
Goku is on his 47ht bowl and plate of food and extra large Mr. Pibb. Harvey is amazed, yet shocked at how much Goku eats. Mai has a "wtf?" look on her face. Meanwhile Krillin is on his 9th plate and bowl of food.
Mai (shocked): How much does this kid eat? Launch: A lot…
Mai: 47 dishes of food and glasses of soda and a 50 ounce steak… How much is this gonna cost me…?
(Harvey glares over at Peanut)
Peanut: For you, nothing. Peanut (quietly to Mai): If you do a little favor for me…?
-Court, Next Morning-
Ichigo: has the frikin' jury reached a verdict?
Kadea: We have Your Honor. Ichigo: Then hurry the hell up, I got school in 5 minutes.
Kadea: "We the jury find August Roshi, GUILTY OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
Mai: WE WON! Ichigo: Then I sentence your ass to be tortured in Orange City Penitentiary for 7 years!
-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-
Krillin: What do we do now? Master Roshi is going to jail! Goku: Lets just ask them to let him out.
(phone rings) Harvey: Hello, Sebben & Sebben Law Offices. Harvey Birdman speaking.
(Mai is laughing at Harvey on the other end and basically telling him off)
Harvey: I'll never hear the end of this one… (Mr. Krabbs is playing the world's smallest violin)
Harvey (angry): WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE!
(Harvey Birdman Credits)
To be continued…!