My earliest memory is flashing lights and screaming. It isn't the memory that damned me, but the one that keeps me alive. The ambulance rushed to my house and took away my mother. I remember asking my father what was wrong, why mommy was leaving.

He got down on my level and held my shoulders. "Your baby sisters and going to be born tonight."

We went to the hospital and nurses watched me while my dad went in to help with the birth. That night I met my two baby sisters and I swore to live my life for them. Even at that age, I was taking life too seriously.

My second memory is when I was… I think it was when I was seven, maybe eight. I don't know for certain because I prefer to not think about it.

I was walking home with my mother. I was late getting out of martial arts so we took a shortcut. There was no one around when they ambushed us and left my mother's dead, desecrated body lying on mine.

My name is Kurosaki Ichigo and I haven't spoken since the day I watched my mother killed and raped.

-o-o-

My earliest memory is singing. My mom used to sing to me all the time and my dad would just laugh and grab a beer. He wasn't an alcoholic or anything; he just had a tradition of drinking one with dinner.

My sister was there, I think. Her name was Harribel and she was a lot older than I was. I'm about the age she must have been then.

My various cousins were there, so I think it was a family event. It was fun, it was happy. I remember playing all kinds of games with Harribel and my cousin Stark. It didn't matter that they were both much older, they treated me like I understood and I loved them.

My next memory is walking home with a friend. I think his name began with a U. I just know I haven't seen him since that day.

I bid him farewell and entered my house. It was dark and I was happy because it was my birthday. I guess I just figured it was a surprise party. I found the light switch and flipped it.

My name is Jeagerjaques Grimmjow and I've been drinking and doing drugs since I came home to find my family slaughtered in my living room, heaped together in a perverted embrace.

-o-o-

The two knew eachother, of course. Broken souls seem to always have a sense of the presence of another. They never acknowledged it because they had their own problems. They didn't need the others'.

Ichigo was walking home with Tatsuki, his best friend. She rambled on about her other best friend, Inoue Orihime. He began to think she had the idea of setting them up but he didn't do anything to disrupt the conversation.

Tatsuki had always been good to him, even after he shut everyone else out. She just figuratively and sometimes literally jammed her foot in the door way so he couldn't close her out of his life. She was a goddess, really.

"Ahem. And uh, I'm pretty sure you know what tomorrow is…" she trailed off awkwardly, rubbing the back of her head. Ichigo blinked and thought before coming to a conclusion: a school dance. He nodded and Tatsuki began fiddling with her collar.

"Same deal as last year, then?" she asked, almost nervously. "I mean, I'm okay with skipping. It's not like I'm going there for a reason or anything."

Ichigo settled for an indulgent smile at his friend, showing he wasn't fooled. She scoffed and threw a punch that he deftly avoided. "Okay, so Orihime's gonna be there and I don't want her to be alone with a sleaze like him!"

Ichigo cocked his brow to indicate his interest.

"Ishida Uryu," she answered, not needing any more prodding than that. "So you'll go with me? As friends of course."

Ichigo smiled and shook his head in affirmation.

They stopped at Tatsuki's home and she grinned bashfully before running in, not bothering to say her goodbyes. Ichigo smiled and continued on his way.

He blinked tawny brown eyes as he surveyed the street he was walking on with the sort of gravity one would never expect from a male teenager. He had a shock of orange hair on his head that many took as a sign he was just a typical delinquent. If only they knew, he thought wryly. As loud as his appearance might be (especially with his love for bright colors) he'd never be a loud mouthed idiot, if only because he could not, would not speak.

He returned home safely and tucked his schoolwork away safely before changing his clothes and moving to the living room. His father was already there and so was Karin. Judging by the sounds, Yuzu was in the kitchen, making them dinner.

"Hey, Ichigo," Isshin greeted, flipping channels. He looked at his son carefully. "How was school?"

He shrugged to let the man know that it was the same, usual, boring routine. He sat next to his father and tried to get into the program he had turned on. They stayed like this until Yuzu bustled in, smiling.

"Hello, Ichi-ni!" she greeted. "Dinner is ready!"

"Good girl, Yuzu!" Isshin praised and his daughter beamed. Ichigo smiled at her as well while Karin remained impassive. They moved to the dinner table and dug in.

Yuzu and Isshin chattered and Karin grunted out a few responses when prodded. Yuzu even retrieved a miniature white-board so that Ichigo could write out a quick summary of his day.

Ichigo thoughts things were going pretty well actually. He felt really good for once. When they were finishing up, Isshin called to his children, "Today is surprise family movie night!" and Ichigo was all for it, for once.

He nodded and Yuzu smiled but Karin's face deepened into a frown and she stood abruptly, slamming her hands on the table.

"What are you doing, father?" she spat venomously. The Kurosaki family looked shocked and it only fueled her anger. "Why do you insist on acting like everything is okay? Look at us! You're a child that refuses to grow up, Mom's dead and Yuzu's acting like a miniature mother for me and Ichigo. Oh, and don't get me started on him! He's messed up so bad that I honest expect him to go out of control any minute!"

Ichigo recoiled in shock and Yuzu yelled out, "Karin-chan!"

Isshin's face became impassive and Karin just sneered at him. He shook his head slowly and sighed. "Karin, you are not to disrespect your mother like this. She has passed away but I'm sure she still wants you to mind your father. And stop taking your frustrations out on your siblings. They are doing the best they can to cope.

"Now, go to your room and don't let me hear from you until you are ready to apologize to us all."

Karin sneered at them all and walked out stiffly. They sat in silence until Ichigo stood up abruptly and walked away, ignoring his sister and father when they called out to him. He jammed his feet in his sneakers and was out the door before they could stop him.

He didn't run – that would only get the cops called considering the general prejudice of the public – but he briskly walked away from his only home. He didn't have a goal in mind. He just knew he had to get away from the house.

He wasn't messed up, he knew. He might be mute but that didn't mean he wasn't the same. He still had dreams and hopes for the future, he just couldn't dislodge his voice to tell people them. He wasn't messed up. If he was messed up he'd be doing bad things instead of spending every day dreaming of paradise.

So caught up in his musing, he was startled to find himself in the spot where he watched his mother… His breathing sped up and he was pretty sure he was having a panic attack. He knew he had to get away but his feet wouldn't move.

Oh god, oh god, ohfuckinggod- Ichigo was propelled out of his panicking by a force barreling into his side, knocking him and the other person to the ground. He only saw blue and heard cursing before he was being hauled up and dragged into a dead run.

He let go of the man's hand quickly and ran on his own, running from the past. Judging by the shouts, Grimmjow ran from the police. To each his own.

They ran through the sleepy town for god knows how long and Ichigo felt good. He was tired and out of breath, but he felt good. He wondered if he should take more crazy runs to keep him healthy.

When Grimmjow finally slowed to a stop, he looked at Ichigo in disbelief. He looked like he wanted to comment but couldn't until he regained his breath. When he did, he looked away and grabbed a something from his pockets and swallowed it before facing the orange haired teen.

"You could have just run off," he grunted. "You didn't have to follow me."

Ichigo just shrugged.

"Say something, stupid," he growled.

Ichigo pointed to his throat and shook his head. Grimmjow's brow furrowed before he realized what he was being told.

"You won't talk?"

Ichigo shook his head.

"You can't talk."

It wasn't a question but Ichigo nodded anyway. Grimmjow grunted and shivered. "Whatever, just get home. See you 'round."

Ichigo stood there and watched Grimmjow walk away. When he was out of sight, Ichigo slowly made his way home, contemplating what he was going to do about Karin. He wasn't upset like he was earlier so he could think a lot clearer.

When he walked in, Yuzu and Isshin charged out of the living room to greet him with relieved shouts and hugs. He wriggled out of their embraces and retrieved his board and wrote, "Is Karin still awake?"

They nodded in confusion and watched as he walked upstairs. Out of their site, he knocked on the girl's door and when he didn't receive a reaction, he just opened the door and walked in. Karin glared up at him.

He sat on Yuzu's bed and wrote "Hey, Karin."

She just glared.

He erased it and tried again, "Do you remember my voice?"

She looked less hostile and more confused. She shook her head.

He erased and wrote: "I'm sorry."

"For what?" she bit out.

"That you feel so neglected. Can you try to imagine what my voice is like?"

"I'm not…" she sighed and relented. "Yes."

"Then image that voice of mine telling you I love you."

Karin scowled and looked away.

Ichigo erased the message and took one of Yuzu's markers and wrote on a scrap piece of paper, "I LOVE YOU KARIN."

He tucked it away in her hand and hugged her before retreating with his white-board. Using the board, he told his father and sister good night and returned upstairs. While passing by, he heard crying from the girl's room.

That night he didn't dream.

-o-o-

Tatsuki came over after school to help Ichigo dress up for the dance. He'd take whatever she handed him and model it for her until she settled on a white long sleeved, dress shirt and some dark grey jeans. It wasn't exactly formal but it was comfortable and that's all Ichigo really cared about.

When it got closer to when they were supposed to leave, they went to Tatsuki's house so she could put on her dress. Seeing his amused look, she snapped, "It's a dance! Girls are supposed to wear dressed for dances! Boys can get away with anything!"

Ichigo grinned and texted her, saying, "So go in jeans and a T-shirt. Make a statement."

"No thanks," she scoffed when she read the message. "Anyway, it's time to go! Orihime might already be there!"

She dragged him down the stairs, calling out goodbyes to her brothers. Ichigo just waved as they passed. He knew that they wouldn't misconstrue their sister going with Ichigo to a dance as anything romantic.

After all, he was pretty sure he was only interested in the same gender… Not that anyone knew that.

The dance was awkward when they got there to say the least. Not that it was awkward for them, but it seemed like all the guys were clustered together and all the girls were the same. It was like being in kindergarten all over again, Ichigo thought.

Tatsuki rolled her eyes at the mass of people and dragged Ichigo to the bowl of punch on the table, serving both of them. Neither was concerned they would be thought to be a couple because everyone already knew that they were just friends. Not to mention, there was a rumor floating around that Tatsuki was a lesbian.

Ichigo took his offered cup and retreated to a table in the corner to watch the crowd. Tatsuki went off to search for her slightly ditzy friend and her date. Ichigo didn't envy them in the least.

No one paid him any attention. They acted as if he didn't exist most of time. It wasn't hurtful, they'd be nice enough if he approached them with a message written down, but he knew he made them uncomfortable.

After all, he wasn't normal in the least and they could sense it, even if they weren't aware of it consciously.

He sighed and took a long drink of the punch and made a face. It was nasty so he inconspicuously watered the fake plants. The cup was rolled away so he didn't have to venture to find a trash can and he didn't have to take the blame. Lazy move, but he was just here for Tatsuki.

He was tapped on the shoulder and he jumped, not expecting it. He looked up… and man, did he have a long way to look! This man couldn't even be less than seven feet!

"Care to dance?" the man asked, leering down with a creepy smirk. Ichigo blushed and remembered Tatsuki made him promise to be nice to anyone that wanted to dance because she wanted to see him with a nice partner.

Still blushing, he shyly nodded. He could dance. Not extremely well, but well enough. As the man pulled him into a hold and awkwardly moved with him, he realized he could out-dance him in this, but he didn't try to take the lead.

"Name's Nnoitra," he grunted out. "I'm from another school but I'm here with a girl who left a while ago to find her old friend or something like that. I saw you and decided I could take advantage of these situations."

Ichigo smiled a little and the blush faded from his cheeks.

"Come on, at least tell me if such a beautiful man is angry with me," he teased and Ichigo's blush returned.

He shook his head and pointed to his throat. The man caught on.

"Lost your voice? You sick?"

He shook his head.

"Oh, just can't talk?"

A nod.

"That's cool."

The song ended and Ichigo stepped back to look up at Nnoitra and smile. He bowed his head to show his thanks.

"Okay, you get back to your table. Gotta go find Nel. You see her you let me know… Somehow."

Ichigo took out his phone and offered it to him. Nnoitra beamed and put his number in. "Okay, so she has green hair and a giant rack. Just lemme know if you see anything like that."

He departed with a cheery wave. Ichigo smiled and returned to his table. Tatsuki was already there with an orange haired girl and a dark haired male.

"So, dancing with a gangster," Tatsuki glared. Ichigo must have shown his surprise and Tatsuki's glare softened. She motioned to the empty chair and he took it gratefully. "He's bad news."

Ichigo pulled out a pen and wrote on a napkin, "Didn't know." Tatsuki read it and scoffed. "Obviously. But Ichigo, he's a guy…"

"And…?" Ichigo wrote.

"You're gay?" Tatsuki whispered. Uryu suddenly looked a little uncomfortable.

Ichigo nodded and wrote, "Didn't know it was a secret. Thought you had already guessed."

"Well, no, I didn't. Thanks for making me feel stupid though," she grumbled. "Anyway, this is Orihime and Uryu."

Ichigo nodded to each of them. Uryu nodded and Orihime beamed and said a breathless, "Nice to meet you."

"So," Tatsuki began. "Now that I know you're gay, can I start setting you up on blind dates?"

Ichigo glared at her and mouthed the word "No."

"Aww, you're no fun!" Orihime giggled. "Oh, Uryu, would you like to dance? I love this song!"

"Of course, Orihime," he answered and took her hand to lead her to the dance floor. By now other couples had worked up the boldness to dance.

"So?" Ichigo wrote and shoved it at Tatsuki.

"So nothing," she grumbled. "He's okay. A bit of a prude, but that's good. They're good together."

Ichigo didn't have anything to respond to that with so he just nodded and looked out at all the dancers. He saw a flash of pale green and looked curiously to see a rather well-endowed woman walking onto the patio of the gymnasium. Ichigo took out his phone and texted Nnoitra.

"Awesome, thanks!" he responded almost instantly. Ichigo smiled at it and Tatsuki raised her eye brow at it. He didn't feel like explaining so he just stuck his tongue out at her. She retaliated and they both grinned at eachother.

The dance was pretty uneventful until about ten. Someone started to hit on Orihime and Uryu wasn't having any of it. A fight ensued (that he won, surprisingly) and Uryu and the other male were escorted away by the security. Tatsuki made her good byes to Ichigo and took Orihime home.

That made Ichigo nervous, but Tatsuki was already marching through the crowd and he couldn't unclog his voice to yell after them. He was scared for them, two women alone at such a time at night. He didn't hesitate and began pushing his way through the crowd.

He made it outside and looked around for the two but couldn't see them. He started out in the direction they probably went but was stopped before he got too far.

Someone from the alley he was running past grabbed him and pulled him back into the darkness. He flailed backwards in surprise but his arm was only grabbed and swiftly dislocated. He would have screamed if he could.

He recognized the three men around him as upperclassmen from his highs school. They probably knew he couldn't scream for help. Desperately he wished he hadn't quit his martial arts lessons so young.

The pain incapacitated him. He pressed his back to the wall but it did not good. The men were already there, pulling at him and forcing him down. He was confused but it wore off quickly. He knew what was coming from watching his mother-

Another panic attack was coming. He just knew it and it made him helpless to the men ripping at his pants. He couldn't even find the energy to kick at them in his oxygen starved brain.

"What the hell are you doing?" a voice barked out, sounding angry. Ichigo couldn't look to see who it was as he was too busy struggling to breathe. His mind warped his savior into just another rapist that would join the other three in…

But no, even with his rapidly darkening vision, he saw the newcomer began laying into the three, throwing punches with deadly accuracy until they were all unconscious and on the ground.

He stalked over and Ichigo could just barely make out the face he had just seen last night. The man carefully helped him up and Ichigo gasped for breath.

"You asthmatic or something?" he grunted. Ichigo shook his head and began to shake Grimmjow recognized the symptoms from his own troubled past. "Panic attack?" he guessed and was rewarded with a nod.

He supported the smaller male as they left the alley. He directed them to an all-night café place. When they were in there, Grimmjow sat him down and straightened him up. Ichigo began breathing a little easier, so the other decided he was well enough to leave. He ordered two teas and took them back to the table.

Ichigo had mostly calmed down by this point. Grimmjow silently handed him his tea and began sipping at his own. Despite the time of night, there were still many patrons so they didn't get as many looks as they might have and for that Grimmjow was thankful.

"You okay?" he asked Ichigo, noticing the trembling had not stopped. He looked up at him with slightly wet eyes and then back to the tea he was bought. He sipped at him and didn't show any other signs of life.

"I know sign language, okay? Can you talk to me like that?" he snapped.

Ichigo shook his head and patted his pockets, pleased to find his cell phone still there. He typed out a message and showed it to Grimmjow.

"I never bothered to learn."

"Fine then," he grumbled and handed the phone back after putting in his number. "Use the phone to tell me if you're okay. I put in my number, just send me the message."

Ichigo took the phone and tapped out another message. Grimmjow's phone beeped once and he checked it.

"Just a little in shock. Concerned about my friends, they took off before me."

"I'm sure they'll be okay. You're talking about those two chicks, right?" he asked and received a nod. "Then yeah, they'll be fine. That short one's really fierce, I hear."

Ichigo smiled a bit and nodded. He sipped more of his cooling tea and sent Grimmjow another message.

"Thanks."

"No problem, Orange," he rumbled. "But I gotta ask for a name now."

"Kurosaki Ichigo."

"As in the Kurosaki clinic?" he asked. "I used to go there as a kid. Real nice lady there. Your mom?"

"She's gone now."

"Sorry to hear," Grimmjow said in disappointment as he read the message. "Really. She was one of the nicest people I knew. She helped me through some hard times."

Ichigo smiled; that certainly sounded like his mother. He sent another message, saying, "She'd be happy to see you doing so well."

For some reason, he frowned at that and fidgeted. "I think she'd be ashamed," he confessed and pushed his sleeve up to show the track marks littering his inner elbow. "Tonight's the first time I've been sober in awhile."

"I think she'd be ashamed of me too," he messaged. Before Grimmjow could ask, he got another one saying, "I don't talk and I've become really weak. I think she'd be ashamed of me."

"Why don't you talk?" Grimmjow finally asked and Ichigo smiled sadly before sending the next message.

"I got to watch my mother be killed and raped. I think that if I ever find it in me to speak again, all I'd do is scream."

Grimmjow read this and went white. He put his phone down and rubbed his face, trying to make himself braver for what he was going to confess.

"My whole family is dead. They were killed while I was in school. It was my birthday," he said, removing his hands from his face. "Every time I sober up, I get depressed. But every once in a while, I do it, no matter how much it hurts."

Grimmjow stood up abruptly and reached for Ichigo's hand. "Come on, let's fix you."

Ichigo didn't hesitate before grabbing Grimmjow's hand and allowing himself to be pulled out of the café. They ran and once again, Ichigo didn't care where they were going.

They stopped at a train station and Grimmjow bought two tickets to somewhere near the coast. The conductor gave them strange looks at their lack of baggage, but let them on. They rode through the night and it was early when they jumped off the stationed train. Grimmjow started running and Ichigo faithfully followed.

They ran through the sleepy town to the cliffs of the outskirts. From this vantage point, they could see the ocean and they watched at the sun got close to breaking the horizon.

"This is where I come when I sober up," Grimmjow said, looking at Ichigo intensely. Ichigo looked back with as much gravity as the other. "I used to live in that town back there. This is my good spot. I don't hurt here and you shouldn't either.

"Scream, Ichigo."

Ichigo didn't say anything, just watched at the sun burst over the horizon. He watched for a time and then retrieved a stick and wrote on the ground, "What hurts you?"

"All those liars out there," Grimmjow said after reading it. "They all say they're my friends, they're my family, that they love me. They're shallow and I hate them."

Grimmjow found himself agitated at the look Ichigo was giving him and was starting to regret bringing him out here. He growled and turned away to go back to town, Ichigo be damned.

Ichigo watched him grow with mounting frustration. He wanted Grimmjow to stay, but didn't know how to make him. He was weak, just as weak as he'd been when the men killed and raped his mother.

He screamed.

-o-o-

Ichigo was tired. His father had just finished yelling at him for not coming home last night. Ifonlyheknew.

Ichigo didn't speak. He hadn't made a sound since he stood on the cliff with Grimmjow. After he screamed, Grimmjow looked at him with so much regret that Ichigo began to cry. The man stayed and took him back to the station when he finished, but Ichigo was silent again. The mourning was done with, but his voice was still stuck.

Probably because Grimmjow stayed in that town. Ichigo couldn't help him while he was that far away. And that was all Ichigo wanted to do: help Grimmjow.

Ichigo just sat in his room for hours. Tatsuki tried to come over to try to talk to him but he just looked at her and she couldn't face it. She had spent years fighting the agony that threatened Ichigo, but this was different. This was something she didn't know.

He looked at the clock and realized that exactly 24 hours ago, he was almost raped and he knew what he had to do. He stood up and filled a small bag with things he needed and snuck out of his room and down the hallway. He pulled his shoes on and had just opened the door when he was interrupted.

"Ichi-ni?" Karin asked from the stairs. Ichigo looked back at her and gave her an almost hopeless smile. "Don't you remember what you wrote to me about? You said you loved me, don't you remember? This isn't love! Scaring me like this isn't love!"

Ichigo took the white-board from the table beside the door and wrote, "Do you remember how I asked if you could remember my voice and you said no? Well, memorize it now."

He waited for her to finish reading it before saying, "I do love you, Karin, but there's someone else out there that needs love too."

Karin looked stunned and Ichigo couldn't blame her. He gave her a smile and left, shutting the door behind him. He ran to the station and was on a train to the coast before any thought of not going to Grimmjow struck him.

The ride was silent and contemplative. When the train stopped, he was off and running so he didn't miss Grimmjow. He ran to the cliffs and wasn't surprised to see Grimmjow there. He was on the phone.

"Nel, I don't care what you say," he spat. "You're lying. You don't care. You're nothing but a shallow bitch."

He hung up and Ichigo strode forward. Grimmjow turned and sneered at the orange-haired man. Ichigo didn't stop until he was close to Grimmjow.

"You need to get over yourself," Ichigo spat, startling Grimmjow. "Quit whining and being an angsty little emo brat. You need to grow up because there arepeoplewholoveyou!"

Grimmjow scoffed. "Yeah right. You don't need to feel guilty; I helped of my own free will. No pity."

"Will you grow up?" Ichigo demanded and grabbed Grimmjow's hand to spin him to face the sun. "Look at that and remember that your family loved you. Your friends now love you. Grimmjow!"

Grimmjow looked at him and Ichigo glared into his blue eye with his own brown before biting out, "And remember, Grimmjow.

"I love you!"

And with that, he smashed their lips together.