Sensations

Rated: M (Mature themes)

Pairing: Will be Dasey eventually

Genre: Romance/Drama

Summary: At first I wasn't really sure what was happening, what I had done, and I sort of sat staring at my blood pouring from my body. I watched it drop and puddle on the floor with some sort of sick fascination until the searing pain set it. (WARNING: Deals with self-injury)

Disclaimer: Don't own, just borrowing.

AN: I'd like to thank who ever deemed Lines in the Sand good enough for one of the Dasey comms. It seems it's included in 'the best Dasey fics around' ... or words to that effect. So thanks.

Casey's plan was simply this: Let Derek know that she was there for him and that she wanted to help. As of late he had been having seemingly serious talks with their parents and other siblings but he hadn't come to her for, what she was assuming, was some big heart to heart. So, she decided to go an initiate this talk on her own, beginning with walking into his room without knocking, as was their custom. Derek was in the middle of dressing, or on the last leg of dressing, he was reaching for the wrist band he always wore to cover his scars when Casey closed the gap between them, covering his hand with hers.

"It's all right Derek, I'm here for you. Let me share your pain." Now normally when Casey started a conversation as cheesy as this with Derek he would laugh and tell her that she sounded like an after school special, only at this moment he was trying to stop her from seeing his scars. Again. He knew that she had seen them when she had found him but somehow this was different, being consciously aware of her looking upon his shame... was something inconceivable to him at this juncture. And yet she followed her cheesy line with a hand on his wrist, slowly trying to turn it over towards her.

"Case, don't." his voice came out less demanding and more pleading than he would have liked.

"Derek it's okay, you don't have to hide this from me anymore."

"Yes I do... because... because if you look I'll remember." Derek tried to move away from her but she was surprisingly strong for such a tiny person.

"Wh-What do you mean?" Casey's voice changed from cheesy infomercial to genuine hurt and confusion. A tone that he absolutely hated to hear from her.

"Casey! Just..." Derek trailed off, he knew they were going to have to have this conversation one day and that he was going to have to apologize to her just has he had done the others. "Because if you look I'll remember that you're the reason I cut myself." Not entirely true, but his feelings for her were certainly the straw that broke the camel's back.

"I'm the reason..." She backed away. "What do you mean? Why would you say such a thing?" Good, she was getting angry, angry Casey Derek could deal with. But then tears over took her anger and she was crying. Which was something he couldn't deal with.

"I can't get you out of my head!" He turned towards her, yelling, face only inches from hers. The tears shining on her eyes were his undoing, he crumpled to the floor. The tears he'd been holding back for so long, tears that he had fought back with the pain of knife through flesh, came up to the surface. "I don't know how to deal with these feelings, Casey."

She was crying now too, kneeling in front of him on the floor. "What feelings, Derek... talk to me. Please?" She reached out a tentative hand to his shoulder.

"I... I love you, so much that it hurts and I can't make it stop. I don't want these... I mean I shouldn't have..." His body was wreak with sobs, Casey wrapped her arms around him and held him close to her, crying silent tears over the boy who loved her.

She hadn't had any idea of his feelings. Then again she hadn't know he was cutting either. She was all sorts of oblivious it seemed. The question was then, knowing how Derek truly felt, how did she feel about him. She held him tighter, as he continued to cry, breathing in the musky scent she had come to associate solely with Derek. Perhaps she did love him, she cared, cared so much that the thought of living without him caused an ache deep in her heart, but was that love?

"And what happened then?" Mia asked, she was happy that Derek had been able to confront his feelings... or at least he was certainly on his way to confronting them. Letting Casey know how he felt lifted some of the weigh off his shoulders and on to hers.

"We... uh... we stayed like that for a while, after I..." Derek's voice lowered to almost a whisper. "After, I had, you know, stopped crying." As though it were safe to speak up again, his voice rose again to it's normal timbre. "It's exhausting, crying, I fell asleep, and then she did. We woke up on the floor, confused for a moment. It was silent, I remembered what had happened and I knew she was remembering it." He took a deep breath and continued. "She squeezed my shoulder and left the room without a word."

"How did you feel, when Casey left you alone?"

"Relieved, to be honest." One thing he had learned here with Mia was that the only way he was going to take control of his feelings was to be honest with himself. He was the one with the power. "I was afraid she would say she didn't feel the same, at least this way it's not a no." He smirked a little, some of the old Derek shining through, the Derek that hadn't cared about the world or people around him, the Derek who had somehow managed to fall in love with someone who was supposed to be nothing more than a sister to him. And although he felt like he was no longer that person, those feelings for Casey continued to stay with him like a cancer eating away at him, no matter what change or treatment he went through.

"And if he does say know." She watched as Derek's face fell. "This is something you need to be prepared for Derek. She may not be in love with you, as you are with her. You still have to live with her, you need to find a way, a non-destructive way to deal with these feelings should this come to pass."

He knew it was a possibility, that Casey wouldn't see him as anything more than her annoying step-brother but having Mia ask so forwardly made him realize the full and terrible impact that would have. "God! I'll have to see her everyday, knowing that she knows how I feel. Urg!" He groaned and slouched down in the seat, covering his face with his hands as he did so. "She's going to feel all guilty and try to be understanding." He sat back up and gave me a crooked smile. "You may as well just kill me now Doc."

She smirked back, acknowledging the light hearted attempted at funny. "Derek, I'll think you'll find that Casey is going to be just as confused as you. She's going to have to reevaluate how she feels, she's going to second guess every fight, every touch and try to recall the feelings that came with those. She's going to need time and she may come up with a negative response. And if Casey is all that you say she is then yes, she might try to be more sensitive then normal, which is normal with you turn someone down so as not to add insult to injury. But she may feel the need to elaborate on that because you see each other everyday."

Derek sighed and Mia continued. "Have you thought about what you'll do if she says yes, there are a lot of things to consider, she may love you but be unwilling to enter a relationship. Your situation is complicated, and what about your parents, did you ever bring it up with them?"

His mind was reeling, it wasn't has if he hadn't come up with all these issues himself, it was just that having them all laid out like that made the possibility of him and Casey seem impossible. "I figured that I'd wait to see what Casey decided before running anything by Dad and Nora. Hypotheticals will just get them worried. Especially now."

"That sounds like very mature thinking Derek, good for you."

Derek left that days session feeling both impossibility light and incredibly heavy at the same time. On the one hand everything could work out and Casey would love him too, things would be fine if she felt the same, he was certain of them. On the other hand, like Mia had said, things were complicated. And in Derek's life things seems to get more complicated before the end.