CHAPTER FOUR

Pearl's tuna casserole was a delicious taste sensation, and Steven almost felt guilty for not giving the meal his full attention. But coming up with the perfect setting for the room was far more important. After all, he'd eaten tuna casserole many times before, but this was going to be a first. It had to be perfect. He needed to come up with something romantic and relaxing and fun, to put Peridot at ease, but also something they could enjoy together if she changed her mind. But definitely something primarily for her. For a few minutes, he seriously contemplated asking the room to recreate the set of Camp Pining Hearts, but ultimately rejected the idea. The characters were really the most interesting part of the show, and he had no intention of letting Percy, Paulette and Pierre tag along on their date and without them, they might as well just go camping in the woods for real. Except not really, because the woods were full of dirt and bugs and weird noises. So maybe camping in the room was an option after all, because then he could eliminate those annoyances. But how were they even going to get into the room in the first place without everyone asking awkward questions-

"Steven? Is everything all right?"

Pearl's voice jolted him out of his thoughts and he belated realized he'd been sitting there with a fork of noodles halfway to his mouth for twenty seconds. "Oh, no, I'm fine!" he quickly reassured her before popping the food into his mouth. "Just, y'know, thinking. What are you guys up to this evening?" he asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Oh, Garnet's gone out somewhere and Amethyst and I are going to play cards," Pearl answered, nodding over at the other gem. "She's offered to teach me a new game. Would you and Peridot like to join us?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's gonna be fun!" Amethyst enthused, throwing an arm around his shoulders. "I'm gonna teach her Cards Against Humanity," she hissed in his ear.

Steven choked back a snort of laughter. "It's a tempting offer," he said truthfully. "But we're going on a date."

"Oh." A momentary flicker of disappointment passed over Pearl's features, but she quickly forced a smile onto her face. "Well. Have a nice time."

"Yeah, but not too nice," Amethyst teased, giving him a friendly nudge. "So where are you taking her?"

"Uh, dunno yet," he said a little self-consciously. "That's what I was thinking about."

"Ooh, I know, take her to a haunted house!" Amethyst suggested at once. "Chicks love haunted houses!"

"Really?" he asked doubtfully.

"Yeah, totally!" To his horror, she glowed and then shifted into Peridot's form. "She'll start off going 'Steven, this is a completely illogical pursuit, there's no evidence to corroborate the existence of ghosts,'" she declared, pacing up and down in front of him. "Then BAM! Some guy dressed as Sadako jumps out the shadows and suddenly it's all 'oooh Steven I'm so scared, hold me in your big, strong manly arms!'" And with that, she leapt towards him, only to find herself crashing to the floor at his feet as he hastily stepped backwards. "OK. Life hack, it works better when you don't drop her."

"I'll bear that in mind," Steven said dryly. "In the meantime, would you mind not doing what you're doing?"

"Of course, there are two small flaws with that suggestion," Pearl said as Amethyst rolled her eyes and shifted back into her default form. "First of all, there's no haunted houses anywhere around here. Second of all, that's because ghosts don't exist."

"Well yeah, that's why I specified 'guy dressed as Sadako' and not actual Sadako," Amethyst pointed out. "But I suppose it is the wrong time of year for haunted houses," she grudgingly conceded.

Steven suddenly realized that this was exactly the opening he needed. "Oh, actually, I was thinking, because I don't wanna spend a lot of money at the moment, we might um, just stay in my room." He felt his cheeks starting to heat up as they both turned to look at him, but he carried on talking. "Because it can make anything, obviously. So if we wanted to visit a haunted house, it could make one that was really haunted. Although I probably won't," he finished.

"Yeah, real Sadako could be a bit of a mood killer," Amethyst acknowledged. "And a real Steven killer. But you could still have the fake one," she said hopefully.

"No, I don't think so," Steven said firmly. "I want something nicer. What about you, Pearl, got any suggestions?"

"Oh, ah, erhem," Pearl stammered, caught off guard. "Er... what about a concert?"

"Yeah!" Amethyst agreed enthusiastically. "You could get the room to make actual Ed Sheeran to sing Perfect seventy-one times in a row." She started laughing and even Pearl found herself hiding a smile behind her hand.

"Interesting suggestion. I will not be doing that," Steven said dryly. He tuned out the laughter, picked up his fork and tried to think some more. The room could make anything. So what would Peridot enjoy doing?

All at once, the answer came to him. "Mmph!" he mumbled, flapping his hands, torn between his desire to blurt out his idea and his desire not to choke on his food. After a few second of frantic chewing, he managed to swallow and pushed his plate away. "I know what I wanna do, I have to go and practice it first quickly thanks for dinner Pearl bye!" And before Amethyst and Pearl could react, he dashed into the temple and out of sight.

Inside the room, all was calm. Pink clouds drifted across the sky/ceiling and covered the ground in all directions, as far as he could see. The only thing that looked out of place was the pile of boxes that belonged to Lapis. And as soon as that thought crossed his mind, there was a faint pop and they vanished.

"Ah," he said, and then stood up a little straighter and folded his arms. "Right. OK room, it's time to lay down some ground rules. And first of all, I want you to stop doing that thing where you try and read my mind, it's creepy and you keep getting it wrong. So from now on, I want you to only obey my verbal commands, OK?"

He waited. Nothing happened.

"Um... so, room, give me a sign you understand me."

There was another pop and the tiny whale suddenly appeared in front of him. "Understood," it said blandly.

Steven exhaled in relief and nodded. "Good. That's good. OK. So, um, next, I also only want you to obey my commands when I give you a keyword. And that word is..." He hesitated and tried to think of a different one, but nothing came to mind. "Ah, what the heck. The keyword is clod. So room, give me a sign that you understand."

He waited. The tiny whale stayed silent.

"Clod."

"Understood," the whale said at once.

"Yes!" Steven did a small and rather undignified victory dance before collecting himself. "OK room, listen up. This is what I want you to do..."

xxx

Meanwhile, Peridot was in her own room, trying to decide what to wear. Specifically, what underwear to wear. The panties she was currently wearing were decorated with little snowflakes, and while they were cute, they didn't quite fit the mood she was aiming for. She stirred the contents of her underwear drawer, discarding ones decorated with bats, fish and Pokeballs until she found a plain, black pair. But were they too plain? Too dark? Rejected. A red pair of panties. Red underwear was supposed to be sexy, right? But did it clash too much with her green skin? Rejected. Thong? Rejected. She'd worn it once for half an hour before changing into something that didn't make her feel like she was being sawed in half. It wasn't exactly a sexy feeling.

She picked up the last pair of panties, navy blue and decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars, and rejected them for being navy blue and decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars. Nothing was suitable. She had nothing to wear.

For a moment, she seriously considered not wearing any underwear at all. After all, if everything went as intended, she wouldn't need panties for long. But what if she stepped out of her room and a freak gust of wind blew up her skirt and Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl saw and guessed she was planning sexy shenanigans with their foster son? It was an unlikely scenario, but it could happen.

All at once, her mind was filled with doubts. What if she took off her clothes and Steven took one look at her naked, spotty body and decided she was hideous after all? What if the room really did make another Peridot, a prettier, smarter, better Peridot and he liked her more? What if he wanted the other Peridot to join in? What if she made weird faces? What if she made weird noises? Or worst of all, what if she couldn't do it with him watching and the whole thing ended up being awkward and uncomfortable for both of them-

She clenched her fists, straightened up and glared at her reflection in the TV screen. "Peridot Facet 2F5L, you are being unreasonable and illogical," she told herself sternly. "Steven loves you. He has proven that on several occasions, and if you really think he's going to change his mind because of a few spots, then he deserves a better girlfriend that you." She continued to glare at herself for a moment, then her expression softened. Of course she didn't really doubt Steven. She was just nervous. Even her search for the perfect pair of panties was more an excuse to procrastinate than anything else. "Steven won't make you do anything you don't want to do," she reminded herself. "If you get in that room and decide you don't want to do this, that's perfectly fine."

But... she did want to. That was what really scared her. Even though she'd lived on Earth for several years now, knowing that she had the freedom to do whatever she wanted still sometimes frightened her. Surely there had to be a limit to how much happiness and self-indulgence she could wallow in, it couldn't possibly be allowed to continue forever!

But of course, she reminded herself, it wouldn't be allowed to continue forever. One day soon, the Diamonds would come for the Cluster and the peace would end. Brutally and painfully. Therefore, the only logical course of action was to enjoy the time she had left as much as possible. Starting with tonight.

And so she picked up a pair of white panties she'd previously rejected for being boring, changed into a pale yellow dress and matching sandals, and stepped out of her room. Amethyst and Pearl were still loitering in the kitchen, but there was no sign of Steven. She glanced towards the temple door. "Is he in there?" she asked.

"Yep, thinking up a haunted house for your date," Amethyst said cheerfully.

"A... haunted house?" Peridot blinked and gave her a quizzical look. "I'm sorry, a what?"

"It's not a haunted house," Pearl reassured her. "Probably."

"A real spooky one," Amethyst continued with relish, ignoring Pearl and throwing an arm around Peridot's shoulders. "Gonna knock the spots right off of you."

Peridot scowled and stepped aside, brushing Amethyst's arm away. "I'll pass," she said stiffly.

"It's not a haunted house!" Pearl said again in exasperation. She glanced at Amethyst and then sighed. "Probably. Just... enjoy your date."

"Thanks," Peridot muttered and headed for the door, silently vowing that if Steven had indeed conjured up a haunted house, she would go straight back to her own room and spend her evening sulking in front of the television instead.

She knocked, and the door split open. Steven poked his head out warily, then grinned when he saw her. "Hey! You ready?"

"...Yes," she said slowly, and tried to peer around him to see what was inside the room. "Unless it's a haunted house."

"It's not a haunted house," Steven said firmly, and stepped aside to let her pass. "I mean, I guess the real one could be haunted, I Googled it to make sure I got it right and it's like, a thousand years old, so it wouldn't surprise me if it was. But this one isn't."

Peridot shot him a look of confusion, but then her eyes slid past him and locked onto the palace and the glass pyramid. "The Louvre?"

"Yep!" Steven smiled proudly. "I know how much you like art."

"Yes, but..." Peridot trailed off, still a little confused. True, she'd always wanted to go to the famous art gallery, which was just a little too far from a warp pad to visit easily, but it was still a real location they could travel to at any time and although she'd never admit it aloud, she had been expecting something a little more unique. "Yes, I suppose Earth does have the advantage over Homeworld in this area," she said instead, trying to force a little more enthusiasm into her voice.

"Well, I also know you think there's a few old pieces that could be, y'know, cleaned up, improved upon, that sort of thing," Steven continued, beginning to smirk. "So. The first thing we are going to do here... is paint eyebrows on the Mona Lisa."

"What!" A thrill ran down her spine and Peridot quickly looked around to make sure none of the nearby tourists were listening to them. "Steven, we can't! We'll get in trouble!"

"Not in here," he assured her, and took her hand. "Come on!"

And so with a lot more enthusiasm, she allowed herself to be led into the museum. Steven's quick skim of Wikipedia hadn't really enabled the room to come up with a particularly authentic recreation of the place, but as she'd never been there herself, it didn't really matter that nothing was where it was supposed to be, and she didn't question it at all when they walked straight through a single door and found themselves face to face with an larger-than-life copy of the most famous painting in the world.

For several seconds, they just stood there and stared at it. "I see what you mean about the eyebrows," Steven finally said. "Or rather, I don't see."

Peridot leaned forward a little more and examined Mona Lisa's brow critically. "It would such a simple fix," she grumbled. "But no, nobody's allowed to correct it because then it would be worth less money. Hmph! Money! Such an inefficient system!" she scoffed.

The enormous hospital bill popped into Steven's head and he shuddered. "You're telling me. So, what do you need for this?" he asked.

Peridot gazed at the painting for a little longer before coming to a decision. "Paint and a paintbrush."

"Really?" Steven asked in surprise. "Huh. I thought you'd need more than that. Something to remove the varnish, at least."

"Oh, yes, some of that too," Peridot quickly added, and blushed as Steven stared at her. "OK, if I must be entirely honest, I don't actually know how to restore a painting like this. But that doesn't matter," she quickly continued. "Because I just want to paint some eyebrows on her."

Steven laughed and gave her a quick kiss. "Wait here. I'll just have a quick look in that storeroom over there," he said, pointing to a door further down the wall. "I'm sure it'll have everything you need." Then as he walked away, he said under his breath, "room, make sure there's everything Peridot needs in the storeroom. Clod."

The room obliged beyond expectations, and he returned to her a few moments later with not only paint and a brush, but also a palette, a jar of some smelly liquid, presumably for removing varnish, a cloth, a step ladder and an old fashion beret he immediately placed on top of her pointy hair. "It's all ready for you, madame artiste," he said with a terrible accent and a theatrical bow.

Peridot laughed and began squirting oil paint onto the palette. "And I even have my muse," she quipped as she began climbing the ladder.

"Am I really your muse then?" Steven asked, enormously cheered by that statement.

Peridot flushed and quickly turned her attention back to the painting. "Some of my work may have been inspired by you," she admitted, raising her paintbrush towards the canvas.

Steven opened his mouth to ask which ones, but before he could say a word, the quiet was suddenly broken by a roar of rage. Peridot jumped in fright and fell off the ladder, leaving the Mona Lisa with a streak of paint down her face, and he just managed to catch her before she hit the ground. They turned towards the voice and saw a furious security guard charging towards them.

"Zut alors, bagette de fromage!" he bellowed, waving a baton threateningly.

"Ack! Run!" Steven half-dragged her down the long room before he came to his senses. "No guards! Room, no guards! Clod!"

Behind them came a faint pop and when Steven dared to look back, the guard had gone.

"You said we wouldn't get into trouble here," Peridot complained, climbing back to her feet and brushing off her dress. "You said."

"I did, sorry," Steven said ruefully. "I guess when I told the room to add a few people here to make it a bit more realistic, I should've specified no guards." He sighed and gave the wall closest to him a pat. "Can't really blame the room, I suppose. It did give me what I asked for."

"Is it safe now?" Peridot asked, looking up and down the room.

"Should be." Steven held out a hand to her and they started walking back towards the painting. "I said 'no guards', not just that guard, so it should be OK now. But just to be on the safe side..." He paused, trying to think up the best wording, then said, "room, I don't want anybody trying to stop us from messing around with the art. Not the guards and not the tourists either. Clod."

"So... it's definitely safe now?" Peridot checked.

"Definitely safe now," Steven promised and smiled at her. "C'mon now, hurry up and put some eyebrows on Mona Lisa, I wanna stick googly eyes on Michelangelo's David when you're done."