Ch 4

"Maybe I should leave town "she told herself as she drove her car towards llanfair. Miles had dropped her off to get her car and she carefully and quickly left the LPD parking lot, she didn't want to run into him again, not ever again, seeing him would only cause more pain at this moment. More pain…She laughed at those thoughts of being in more pain, but continued to ignore for a few minutes, for the time being.

She continued to drive to llanfair when out of nowhere she felt... felt a bit panicky... almost like she couldn't breath as she approached the drive. She stopped the car and looked up to the house... her eyes watered and she didn't know why... or even how... she without thought turned the car around and drove... she wasn't sure how or why she ended up at her cottage... but she was there in a matter of a few minutes.

Now she stared at his place, a place she loved, a place she forgot all about almost as soon as she and john came to be. She walked towards the door trying to remember if Nash was still living there... racking her brain she remembered something about him moving out and she searched the plant that still sat on the front porch after all this time.

"Okay.…it has to be here...gotcha" she said with a triumph smile s she pulled the key out of the plant. She opened the door and went inside.

Looking around her memories, good ones, bad ones, they all came rushing back at her.

Christian, Roxy.… John... they all came full circle to her life now. She walked thru the house and over towards the living room,

" I see the free loaders didn't like to clean," she said with a smile as she went to the kitchen for some cleaning supplies she hoped would still be under the sink.

John sat at his desk staring at a file, a case in front of him. Not really remembering what the file said or what the hell was even going on in his mind, his heart. He reverted his attention to the window... the one to the hall outside... the one to the desk she should be sitting at... the desk, the job she no longer occupied.

He reached into his desk and pulled out her desk plaque, a picture of them he had found in the trash by her desk when he came in a few hours ago... when he had gotten back from the big fight, fiasco at the Palace, at Miles Lawrence's room.

Studying the name in front of him he traced it with his fingers, over and over again as if tracing her, pieces of her, her curves, her soft hair, her beautiful face and he remembered just how lucky he was at one point in his life. One point to have someone like her in it... to have her love him but then... then he remembered other stuff... the bad... the lies they both told at times, the mistrust. He opened his eyes and looked at the picture this time. His face in the picture... a slight smile, a small one... probably the only time he had ever smiled in life...she had been the only one to make him smile... to ever really make him happy since Caitlin died and he... blew it...they blew it.

Lost in thought he heard a knock on his door and he put the picture away quickly. He turned and looked as Bo walked into his office.

"What's up Boss?" he asked unenthusiastic as he stood.

"This" Bo handed John her signed resignation. A soggy piece of paper stating... the blunt truth...' I've given it my best... but... sometimes your best isn't good enough…I quit'

John closed his eyes briefly as he already knew in his heart that she had quit, that she wouldn't be coming back to this place, her job here... to him. It was written in her eyes... in her words as they ended things, as she ended all things related to them.

" I figured" was all John said as he walked to his desk, sat and grabbed a file, started to ask questions, change the subject and fast. Fast before his avoidance caused him to break in front of someone... something he never did in front of others... well...not in front of anyone but her.

"What's going on John? Does this still have to do with the evidence cover up?" Bo looked to the man in front of him, he was trying hard to hold it together and although knowing how wrong things had become between the two of them... Bo knew the kind of love they had, the tortured sort of love that was beyond measures.…the power of it...in it.

"No... I don't think so... well... yeah. . Sort of the evidence thing but... its about your niece... maybe you should ask her" he told him and Bo watched him carefully, a coldness, darkness... more dark, more cold then usual, then ever.

'I tried... but... she isn't answering her phone...thought you'd know where she was"

"I know where she was... probably still is..." he told him remembering for a moment her walking out of Miles bedroom in his suite.… wearing his clothes... a shirtless miles standing in front of him. Although knowing that... sleeping with someone else so fast, was something Natalie would never do... knowing he was wrong... he couldn't help the jealousy... that was still very much inside of him.

"Where then? Cause I called your place too... she didn't answer the phone"

John took a deep breath. " She doesn't live there anymore" John spoke softly and looked to Bo's shocked expression.

"Where does she live then John? Did she go back to Llanfair? Cause they haven't seen her either?" Bo saw the expression on John's face. He studied him and waited for an answer but one never came. Instead John ignored the question, questions, they were too painful to answer at this point. Other than being with Miles Lawrence, in his room last night , he hadn't a clue on where or what she was doing today and it was driving him crazy.

"I've got work to do... excuse me" was all john found to finally say as he walked quickly from his office leaving Bo there standing dumbfounded.

Natalie's Cottage

Natalie finished cleaning the place, she walked around it and again couldn't help remembering things... her life here once upon a time.

Thoughts of how she loved this place, how she and Christian were at one point in life suppose to make this their home, raise a family here.

"Christian" she said his name out loud. Shook her head. " How things change... over the years... I thought He and I were It for me... the forever and ever type... but... I guess I was wrong... the same as thinking... feeling John was my soul mate" Natalie walked through the living room, into the foyer and she could see his face, Johns... the day they found the pictures of Caitlin's murder... plastered all over her walls... she shook her head again.

"I guess he could never love the same after her?" she asked herself out of the air. She hadn't thought about him still loving Caitlin, or any of that since... since... well... for a long time. She closed her eyes briefly, reopened them " and I won't start thinking about it again now... no more thinking about John... about things... that hurt... only finding myself... for me... for no one else"