Disclaimer: See the first chapter.
I wrote something weird at the beginning. It's a nightmare, not really based off of Satoshi, just something that entered my mind at a late hour and I put it in here.
EDIT: ...Fwhee! I got reviews! Happy DAY! And yes, I changed the HECK outta this chapter. I think it reads a lot better now... and there is a lovely carousel.
Oh, and in my weird beginning interlude thingy, the stuff in italics is real time, not nightmare.
Thanks go out to DarkAngelB, Lord Scribbles, TaKeMyPaInAwAy, gracie320, Princess Reiko, Mutou Yasu and everyone else for your reviews! I'm glad ya like the revamp. Oh, and Lord Scribbles, I can send you an email when I update this fic if you want. Lemme know if you want me to.
(divider)
(open dream interlude)
Nurse? Nurse, I have a problem.
Yes, what is it sir?
I'm... my heart... is numb. Do you have any pills for that? Is there any way I can feel something again?
Sir, I'm not sure I understan-
No, I really need pills. Something to fill the void. Do you have anything like that? Just so I can sleep without the empty place hurting at night.
Sir-
Please! Give me something! Prescribe me something!
You'll have to go to the-
Anything! I want to feel again! Let me feel again!
Sir, there's only one cure and I'm afraid that it's impossible for you. You see, what you need, you are incapable of.
What do I need! Please, I'll pay any price!
You need to be loved. But you cannot love, so I'm afraid there's no cure Satoshi Hikari. You are forever alone. No one can love you, and you cannot care for anyone or he will come out and separate you! You can never care! Learn to be lonely Satoshi! It's all you'll ever be!
"NO! MOTHER! NOOO!"
"...no..."
Please... won't somebody... love me again?
-slides out of bed-
-stumbles to the door and throws it open, a blast of cold air from the empty large room brushing past-
-the door closes, another door opens-
- and slams shut-
-broken footsteps leave the apartment-
(close dream interlude)
(divider)
He avoided me after the incident at lunch. And that would probably hurt... if I wasn't almost immune to what he does and says to me by now. Besides, I'm very persistent. I AM Dark-san's biggest fan, so I have to be. I admit, it isn't for the best reasons in the world that I'm following Satoshi around. Yes, I am worried about him a little, just like I should be... I mean, anyone normal would be, right? Him being so quiet and reclusive.
But another thing I'm hoping for is the notoriety; of being "the one" who got through to Satoshi Hiwatari. Through all those discouraging layers of iciness and apathy. And... if I got him to open up...
Riku'd pay attention to me again, a lot more. I'd be her equal again, not just the kid sister who is too young to even get herself a boyfriend and is going through an "goth phase" as I've heard our mother joke to her. Lately Riku's ignored me for Daisuke, but if I got Satoshi to like me, to open up to me, then she would see me as an equal again, like when we were younger and always competing.
I can't stand watching her anymore, being so happy with Daisuke, a blissful relationship that proves with every breath that SHE WON. She's beaten me in everything, her first kiss, even if it was stolen, boyfriend, she even got the new Hikaru Utada cd before I did!
I've never gotten the kind of love she has from the people I really want to cherish me... When I first asked out Dark-san, he asked if I meant "as friends". His first question, right off the bat.
No you moron!
No...
Isn't that what you need in a relationship, always want in one? To be loved? I wanted to be loved by Dark-san, like probably every other girl in the nation. But he thought that I only wanted to be friends.
Friends.
That cruel word I threw at Daisuke so many times before he confessed. I never realized how much it must have killed that beaming little redhead to hear me, raving happily about Dark-san over the phone to him, while he felt his heart falling to pieces. But now I know what it feels like, Dark-san not even wanting to try to love me...
I'm a fool, I realize as I lie here in the darkness, staring up at the cracks in the ceiling. The red glow of the clock at my side says "1:06", blithely unaware of my angst session.
Riku's snoring softly, drooling slightly and I'm getting annoyed and impatient. Why should she be able to sleep so easily when I can't? I've counted sheep, pigs, horses, little winged Dark-san's, and the cracks on the ceiling but I can't make my eyes stay shut.
I'm seriously considering the option of superglue when there is a noise where a moment ago there was silence. Of course, I shoot up straight in bed, looking around the room frantically, the steel baseball bat I keep under my bed already in my hands, raised above my head actually, in the direction of the noise.
I stare at the flashing blue lights in front of me and slowly lower the bat.
I could've just beaned the phone.
Two weeks ago, Riku, being obsessed with all things that are her namesake, downloaded a "Simple and Clean" phone ring from the Net (as a tribute to Riku of Kingdom Hearts of course). That would be the disturbingly high-pitched jargon that's playing at the top of it's little speakers from our nightstand.
WHO IN THE WORLD IS CALLING AT ONE IN THE MORNING!
I lean over to grab the phone, but my gracefulness at one in the morning isn't all it's cracked up to be, and I fall out of bed, my legs tangled up in the bed sheets. My elegant descent elicits a loud 'thump' and a groan from Riku. Heh, serves her right, sleeping through her own phone ring.
I reach up from my resting place on the floor, fumbling with the receiver and finally managing to get a grip on it, dragging it down to where I lie on the floor.
Probably a wrong number anyway.
There's nothing but heavy breathing, panting almost. Maybe it's a nightmare, and I'm not really aware I'm asleep, and I'm dreaming about having a stalker. Nah...
"Hello?" I half-whisper, practically making out with the phone in an attempt to remain quiet. "Is someone there?"
If this is a pervert, I'm going to kill him right through the phone line. I swear I will. I'll take the baseball bat and kill him right through the-
"Harada...?"
I almost drop the phone but catch it just in time, then have spare time to try and scrape my jaw off the floor.
Why is he calling me! Especially now?
"Hiwatari?"
In my shock, I've forgotten to add an honorific, but he doesn't correct me, seeming almost dazed. Maybe he fell out of bed again and whacked his head on something. Perhaps I should call the paramedics.
"Harada-san, why am I calling you?" He asks simply, as if he's asking why the sun rises, except Satoshi would never ask such an inane question. I'm beginning to wonder if this IS some screwed up dream from eating that funny cheese before I went to bed.
"Well if YOU don't know, I really don't. Do you know what time it is?" I question and he's silent for a moment. I can hear faint music playing. Hiwatari is kind of a strange guy to sleep with music on though... especially the music I'm hearing. Not his type of music at all.
"No... but it's dark... and cold..." His voice says softly, still confused; I can hear crickets in the background. Where IS he?
"Did you have a nightmare and leave your apartment? Where are you?" I ask, because frankly, I'm beginning to have doubts that he's in his apartment. And if he's half-asleep, that's not a good thing.
"Yes..." He says, surprising me with an answer to the first question. "It, the nightmare, didn't make much sense, and I thought coming here would make it better."
"Satoshi, where ARE you?"
"I went to the carousel." He says quietly and I feel my eyes grow wide, blinking quickly in surprise.
The carousel...
The carousel is in the outskirts of town, a couple blocks from where Hiwatari lives. It was built a few years back, a Hikari work of art on a gigantic scale. The design is simple, the only "magic" being the fact that it eternally plays music, turning round and round. I've heard rumors that Satoshi made it, as a project for an art class; but those are just rumors, it could've been another Hikari.
It's too cold out there for him! The realization suddenly hits me over the head. It's nearing winter, and even if he's wearing his uniform, he could get really sick!
"Satoshi-kun, stay right there. I'm coming to get you." I say firmly and hear him catch his breath immediately.
"What!"
"Just stay there."
"Wait, Risa!"
I hang up the phone before he can finish his sentance, grabbing my jacket from the back of the chair it's been lounging on since I got home from school. Riku turns over, groaning.
"mnnnnnn-iisaaaa, where ya goinnggg?"
"Out. I have to help a friend. I'll be back." I'm already flying out the door, another jacket in my hand for Satoshi.
"Nn." She grunts and turns over. Thank you dear sister. Heh. I tiptoe out of the house, then break into a dead bolt as soon as I'm out on the streets, heading towards the carousel. Even before I get there, I can see his familiar blue head of hair, shining brightly in the moonlight.
"Satoshi!" I call, jogging up to a halt in front of him. Almost immediately, his eyes tip me off that he is completely and totally awake. Something else is wrong too, but I can't place what... He stares at me, first in surprise, then in an expression that is completely foreign to his face.
Embarrassment.
"Harada..." He says quietly, looking away.
"Risa." I correct automatically and the formerly hesitant gaze shoots over to glare at me. What a surprise. I hold out the jacket, smiling coyly.
"Come on you sleepwalker, a nightmare's not THAT much to get upset over..." Abruptly, I realize what's wrong. His eyes are shiny, unnaturally so. Red blotches are on his face so maybe he's been...
"Satoshi, have you been crying?"
"No!" He snarls immediately, glaring at me with icy blue eyes... that are still so bright. I stare at him calmly and he looks away again, eyebrows knitting together in an angry frown.
Oops. Touched a nerve there.
"I'm sorry I called you when you weren't needed-" He starts, tone very VERY controlled.
"But obviously I was!" I observe brightly. I don't know who elected me, but evidently it's my job to keep him annoyed. Heh. This is actually kinda fun... even if, he was hurting. That nightmare must've really been something.
"-Risa." He finishes the sentence, with a barely watered-down glare.
Huh?
He... he called me Risa! Voluntarily! YES! SCORE ONE FOR MEEEEEEE!
Satoshi still won't meet my eyes, but he takes the coat from me; pulling it about himself for warmth. And it's just dawned on me that... I grabbed a girl's coat. And it fits Satoshi like a glove.
I can't hold back my laughter and even when I get back to my house, after making sure Satoshi got home okay, I'm still shaking with giggles.
(divider)
When I wake up (late, and still quite exhausted) the next morning; Riku already has the radio blaring, the DJ yelling that the song is "My December" by Linkin Park as the music threatens to overwhelm him..
Headache... major headache... must kill Hiwatari...
"RIKU!" I holler groggily, sounding rather hung-over, above the normally-quiet-but-not-at-this-volume song, slide/thunk loudly out of bed, and twist the volume knob violently.
Solitude...
"I was listening to that!" Riku says immediately as her music moves down to a level out of ear-splitting range; I glare at her. I forgot to remove my black eyeliner last night, so I'm supposing I look rather menacing. Riku's face says so anyway.
"I'd like to SLEEP in PEACE Riku!" I growl, getting my point across but my oneechan appears to think it'd be in her best interest to blackmail me instead.
"Well, if you hadn't been OUT all night, maybe you wouldn't be so cranky!"
Grrrrr... I'm not going to put up with this! I hoist myself to my feet, and stumble off to the bathroom, uniform in hand.
"You're going to be late to pick up Hiwatari-kun!" Riku calls after me, always having to have the last word.
Shoot, Hiwatari! I forgot!
I fly through the shower, yank on my clothes, first backwards, then a hurried adjustment, skip breakfast, and make it to Hiwatari's door with my hair still wet! Heh, not bad if I do say so myself.
So what if I am after him because I'm lonely, or he's a "conquest", or even to ease my own guilt. I'll make sacrifices, and I'll be there for him, even if it means flying through the morning and missing my favorite meal of the day..
I look up at the apartment door, waiting for him to come and answer, half-expecting him to be groggy and disoriented. In a place like this... with no one to wake you up, or make breakfast on occasion, say "welcome home" when you get back from school...
I wonder how Satoshi does it.
Isn't he lonely?
He's still human... he HAS to be lonely without real parents, without friends besides Daisuke, without White Dark-san.
Without love.
But before my thoughts can get into the truely sappy and deep musings (as if they weren't already), the door is opened and my self-termed "project" looks out at me.
"Harada-san, why are you on my doorstep?" Satoshi asks icily, as if he doesn't even REMEMBER the previous day when I know that he does. I can see it in the way he keeps glancing around slyly, trying to make sure no one is watching. Trying to stay untouchable and perfect. He hasn't put on his glasses yet, and I'm contemplating his attractiveness without them on... there's nothing hiding him now, so I find him quite hot-
Gah! What am I thinking! Get a HOLD on yourself Risa! Bad girl!
"I'm here to pick you up! We're going to school right?" Forced cheerfulness always seems to work, smiling brightly even though I know he'll just get annoyed by it.
It's fun to torment him.
Alright, it's rather cruel fun to Satoshi, forcing him to walk me to school or endure the embarrassment of having a stalker. But it ensures that I can get closer to him; get past the outer shell that repels everyone but Daisuke.
Then again... Daisuke was also Dark-san, and Dark-san is Satoshi's enemy. So an enemy should be good at piercing defenses, abusing the maker... but Dark-san wouldn't do that! He may be Satoshi's enemy but he wouldn't hurt him...
My thoughts have officially become screwed up.
Satoshi just blinks at me. "Harada-san, I didn't ask you to come here."
"But I'm still here, aren't I? Don't you want me here?" I say smartly, my eyes getting "feminine", or at least that's what Riku calls it. Her terminology for my expressions is so annoying.
"No. I don't. But you can come." He mutters sullenly, and heads back inside. I follow him, like the little stalker I'm turning out to be. He vanishes into his bedroom, the same, empty-looking room he disappeared into the other day.
"Hiwatari?" I call in the general direction of the room as I wander over to look at the books scattered on the table, and get an annoyed "hm" from the closed bedroom.
"Why did you call me last night?" I continue, despite his less-than-captivated response. A bible, self-help books, anti-depression... very un-like-Satoshi books are all over the table. Maybe he's just keeping them for a friend- no, Daisuke wouldn't be reading these kind of books. So... I guess I don't know Satoshi like I thought I did if he's reading all these and I don't have a clue.
Next to the books lies a picture of Krad, wings flaring widely in surprise, his eyes wide and startled, like a deer caught in headlights. He must not have expected the camera to flash when the picture was taken. I pick up the picture, my eyes slipping over the long blonde hair, bright eyes, white wings...
I'll never forget Krad... he was amazing... violent, psychotic and multiple other things, but he was like a work of art... maybe he WAS a work of art, twisted by the minds of the poor Hikaris...
Satoshi sure is taking his time answering...
"That is not your question to ask." A calm voice comes from behind me and I nearly tear the picture in my shock. Fortunately, Satoshi plucks the photo out of my hands, tucking it into the back of one of the books before I can do anything.
"Satoshi!" I press a hand over my heart. "You trying to kill me! Be a little noisier!"
Satoshi looks at me like I'm crazy, a faint smirk tracing his face.
"I have to be quiet to catch you snooping into things which aren't your business Risa Harada."
"It's Risa! And it is too my question to ask!" I shoot back quickly, pleased with my recovery. Ha! Take that Satoshi!
"I'm sorry I disturbed your sleep." He says dutifully and turns to leave; bookbag already slung over his shoulder casually, yet perfectly, like Satoshi always is. I run to catch up, following him noisily down the clanging stairs.
"What happened exactly?" I press, not wanting to give this up. I know, he's a solitary person and all that, but to actually send him out into the cold of night...
"It was nothing Harada. Give it up." He replies, giving me a glare that says "Drop it. Now." I wonder if he has numbers for those... I'd find it hard keeping them all straight. I should ask him! But... later. Not now.
"Sa-Hiwatari-san, I'm just worried about you." I mutter, not really even trying to keep the faint offence out of my tone. He shouldn't be so terse. He opens the door to the street without responding to my statement, not even acknowledging he heard me. We keep walking, in silence. I don't want to restate what I just said, and he isn't exactly being TALKATIVE.
"It was..." He starts suddenly, and then thinks again, hesitating.
"The nightmare... it was partly out of my mind and partly remembered. My mother was in it."
He's... telling me? Without me even pressing the issue? I listen with rapt attention, despite worrying that I'm getting too involved. It's just his nightmare after all, not a marriage proposal!
"She told me that I wasn't allowed to care about anyone." Satoshi isn't looking at me, staring at the sky bitterly. "Because then he would come out and hurt them, to protect me. Krad never did understand human relations. But the Hikaris understood what he couldn't, or simply WOULDN'T, tolerate and raised their "prodigy" that way. They didn't let me care, and if I don't care about anyone... why should anyone care about me?"
He smirks.
"Risa you fool, why are you stalking me? You can't possibly care for someone who can't care for you. Don't you realize you'll just get abandoned?"
It's so unlike him... it hurts me to watch him. I want to smack him and hug him all at once!
"But... Hiwatari-kun, Krad-kun doesn't exist anymore... so you can care, if you choose to."
His step falters for a second and his flawless icy blue eyes flash back at me. The expression lurking in their depths is a new one, tinged with hope and real thanks.
Only a moment, before it vanishes again.
But it was there.
Does he… trust me?
(divider)
Edit: YAY! That was a LONG chapter for me. And, as is obvious, much played with. I like the new dream and talking about it though. It's not so random now!
You know, in hindsight, Risa and Satoshi's relationship is rather like Elizabeth and Darcy's in Pride and Prejudice! Nevermind the fact that I truely did not like that book, but still! It reminds me of them muchly...
Review! Yes, review again!