I'm sorry rebels, it's really been a long time. There's been a lot going on.
This idea is from starwarsrebels (guest)
Warning! This chapter contains negative, suicidal thoughts, self harm and suicide attempts. If you really hate that kind of thing than don't read. I know, sounds depressing, but I'm not feeling at my best at the moment... with... stuff going on, so yeah.
I hope you enjoy!
Little things have started to get at me. At least I hope they're little things. But they aren't. I know the crew is getting angry with me and I know they don't want to be involved in my problems. But that doesn't mean I don't have any. I don't have parents, a home, I don't have anyone. I was finally happy when they took me in, Kanan and everyone. I trusted them and they hurt me. They hurt me so bad.
I walk through the hangar and Zeb laughs. He never misses a chance to mock me, my height my stature... Hera tells me to ignore it, that he's just having fun, but I know that if I mock him, he'd hit me really hard. The bruises I get.
And then there's Jedi training. Kanan criticizes me, haves a dig at me... he says I'm under confident, but criticizing and jeering at my mistakes doesn't boost my confidence it makes it fall. I hurt, hurt, hurt. I hurt so badly. And it gets from bad to worse. I heard them, the crew, talking about me. The things they said were horrible. They betrayed me. I can't trust them anymore, least of all, Kanan. I really hoped he would play the role of a father, but it hasn't worked out like that.
I'm alone, swarmed by my own depressive, negative thoughts. My fault... this is entirely my fault. I should have stayed on the streets and not interfered with things that weren't my business. Maybe then I wouldn't be here.
So I cut. My sleeves get longer, I get thinner, smaller, quieter... yet no one notices. Why would they notice? They act like I not here. I'm hated. They hate me, and I hate them. I'm surrounded, yet alone.
The blood trickles down my wrist, yet the pain comforts me. Satisfying... yet not satisfying enough.
Which is why I've packed my stuff. Kanan wants me out. He wants nothing to do with me. Fine. I'll go.
XXX
The coast is crystal clear, so I get out of the room, the ship. I get out and I run. I don't hear any footsteps behind me, I don't hear the panting breaths, as I'm too busy with my own thoughts. I head straight for a road, still oblivious by the following footsteps. I'm useless, a piece of dirt on the back of someone's shoe. So that piece of dirt is ready to die.
I close my eyes and breathe heavily, calmly. Maybe I will finally be able to rest in peace. I make my jump.
A hand closes around my arm, pulling me up and my heart skips a beat.
"Ezra!" my eyes are glued shut and tears clog beneath them. "Look at me!" I feel myself being shaken really hard and I whimper. I open my eyes and see Kanan's face, cold and hard, staring at me. "What did you try to do?" He says in disbelief, a look of horror etched upon his face. He isn't shouting. Why won't he shout? If he screams or shouts at me it would be less scary. It would be less scary if he even hit me. His small, quiet voice means anger. Danger. I look down.
"I'm sorry Kanan." I whisper. "But I don't want to do this anymore." Kanan looks at me for a second before steering me towards a quiet, deserted alleyway.
"And you thought... killing yourself... would be the answer?" He just stares. He grips my arm and I hiss in pain. He looks down at the blood soaking through my shirt and pulls the sleeve up to see the cut marks of the razor etched deeply into my skin. Kanan facepalmes. "Ezra..." He begins, but pinches the bridge of his nose and turns around to walk away. Without thinking, I burst into tears, and Kanan turns back around in surprise. "Don't go!" I wail. Kanan walks towards me and sighs.
"Ezra, you do realize this isn't acceptable." I look up at his face.
"You don't understand." I sob. Kanan rubs my arm softly. "Then explain." He says gently.
"Everything was too much." I blurt. "I didn't want it anymore. The pain and suffering I felt. The way I felt as though I wasn't wanted... it was too much. Too hard for me. I wanted to end it." I close my eyes. "Please... don't be mad." Kanan hugs me.
"Oh? Mad doesn't even account for it." I giggle weakly. "But Hera needs to know." I yelp.
"What? Can't it just be our secret?" I look up and give Kanan my most biggest puppy eyes and he raises his hands in defeat.
"Ok, ok. Whatever you say." I laugh and hug Kanan again.
" You're the best."
Too fluffy? Oh well...
Not too much. XD
Remember, I love to hear your reactions, as well as your ideas. And yes, I read all of your comments :)
-Fear