AN: I had this written up, so thought I would post it. It's one long conversational scene – which I hope isn't too boring to read! Thanks to everyone who is still reading, it's an enjoyable fic to write. Also, I apologise in advance for any typos/errors in this part, I've proofread but it's late, so my editing ability may be a little compromised. All constructive feedback welcome and appreciated.

Part 4

The view through the solid glass doors and over Addison's back deck was strikingly beautiful. With the sun gradually dipping lower in the sky, a kelaedoscope of yellow and orange danced across the horizon. Naomi was curled up in the corner of the sofa, slowly sipping on a glass of merlot although Addison, at the opposite end, held only a glass of water.

"You know I'm a control freak", Addison offered as an explanation for her non alcoholic choice.

"Control?" Naomi asked, eyebrows narrowed in confusion. Not that she disagreed or disapproved of her choice not to drink, it was just surprising. It had been a long time since she had seen Addison decline a glass of wine particularly in the midst of a crisis.

Addison laughed gently and didn't elaborate, just allowing her gaze to return to the slow sunset. They had been sitting there for hours, distractedly watching a poorly performed midday movie and flicking absentmindedly through magazines. Addison had slept briefly throughout the afternoon, drifitng to sleep for a few minutes before rousing suddenly and repeating the cycle. "I certainly didn't get these views in Seattle or New York," she said after a long silence.

"It is spectacular," Naomi agreed. "I'm not sure I've ever asked but are you pleased you decided to move here?"

Addison nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess so. I couldn't have stayed, I don't think. I couldn't have done what you and Sam did."

"Probably wasn't our finest decision. It was hard, the first year. Still is, I guess."

"It's weird I think, to go from having a husband to not having one. There's some automatic security that happens with having a partner; you know someone will show up if you need them to – it's like they have to, even if they don't want to."

Naomi nodded. "Yeah, I often wonder who's name I would put down if I was being admitted to hospital or something. Who would be my next of kin."

Addison laughed lightly. "I went to a family practice a couple of months ago, just to get some tests done and I gave your name as my emergency contact. How depressing, I'm in my forties and completely alone."

"You and I both – I'm hardly going to put Sam. Besides, I would be far more reliable than any man, husband or not."

Addison smiled and nodded. "You are. Very," she stated softly, shaking away the negative dialogue that suddenly forced itself into her mind. At any opportunity it seemed the self loathing exploaded inside of her; as soon as she had a moment of reflection, it was there, flashing across her vision. "Sometimes I wonder, how I got here," she eventually conceded, wide eyes glancing quickly at Naomi and then back to the darkness that was deepening outside.

Naomi let the words linger for just a moment and then calmly asked, "Here?"

"Yeah, here," Addison said, shifting her position to lean back on the lounge with her feet outstretched in front of her, slippered feet resting on the coffee table. "How did I end up with a failed marriage, a string of meaningless affairs and nothing to show for it, just a decent career and financial security? I'm not sure that's what I ever wanted, was it?"

"I don't think any of us go into a marriage or a relationship expecting it to fail. I certainly didn't."

"But you have Maya. You have something so good, something amazing to show for your marriage. And you built an incredible business, with loyal friends. You do connections Nay, I'm not sure I do."

"So I must have imagined this twenty odd year friendship, yeah?" Naomi pressed lightly.

Addison sighed heavily, answering, "Because of you, because you have the patience to put up with me. The months I went without calling or emailing; there were times that I didn't even answer your messages. I just...I fail at anything that doesn't involve a scalpel in my hand, that's the truth. The reality of my life."

"Firstly, there were just as many times when I didn't get around calling you and let's face it, my ability to ask for what I need is a serious character flaw. I know and I always knew, that you will be right next to me in an instant, if I ask." Addison opened her mouth to argue, to debate the innapropriateness of needing to ask, but Naomi rushed to continue. "Secondly, what is it that you've failed at Addi? A marriage with a man who you had a relationship with, based solely on the fact that you should have been together, that it was expected or it should have worked? You and Derek, you looked good on paper, you made a good story but it wasn't that simple. You might have cheated first, but he was hardly perfect. Don't think I didn't see the way he made you feel less than him, because I did. We all want our marriages to look perfect to the world, but they seldom are."

"But it was my fault." The statement was so brief yet so strong. No context was going to sway the self blame. "Everything has been my fault."

Naomi again let the silence sit between them, sipping quietly at the red liquid slowly emptying her glass. "This; this wasn't your fault," she eventually said softly and deliberately.

Addison didn't respond immediately, just stood and walked into the kitchen and returned with an empty glass. She reached out and gripped the wine bottle by the neck, tipping it hurriedly until wine tumbled out and into the glass, splatters of the crimson liquor spilling onto the floor and table. "You don't know that," she said, releasing her clenched jaw to mutter the words and take a long continuous gulp.

"And what is it, that you did?"

"I screwed up, I had another chance and I screwed it up." Addison's words were rushed and etched with anger. She was so frustrated with herself and her inability to do what was required of her, the basic and innate feminine role that crossed species and millions of years.

"Mmmm," Naomi nodded calmly, slowing her voice and reducing the volume to try and subtly deminish Addison's resentment. "I get that this pregnancy didn't succeed, okay, I get that. But what is it that you screwed up? How are you responsible?"

"Because...because I left it too late. Because I didn't have a baby when, when I had the chance and I kept it a secret and I questioned Nay, I questioned whether I should even do it. And then I wanted to but then I didn't know how to...I didn't even know how to tell you or anyone else. And because I thought that something would go wrong; it always does. Who thinks that? Who has a child growing inside of them, who has wanted a baby for so long; what kind of person questions then? What kind of person expects to fail?" She shook her head in disbelief. "I did; I just thought that I would screw this up and I did. It shouldn't be a surprise, it shouldn't be anything. I expected this. Everything I want, it always screws up." The words tumbled out and phrases mixed in to one another; a rush of complicated thoughts and concepts that hadn't quite been thought through enough to be articulated coherently. Naomi simply nodded her acknowledgement of the monologue, focusing on leaning forward to refil her own glass, stopping to draw a tissue out of a box sitting next to the sofa to absorb the drops of wine. Addison swallowed multiple times in succession, the thin lip of the glass pressed to her mouth. "Drink myself into oblivion," Addison muttered, snatching the bottle, "it was my first instinct, not sure why I resisted."

"There's a lot of things, that I don't know but I do know you, Addi. And I know that you would do nothing, absolutely nothing, with the intention of harming anyone or anything."

Addison gave a sarcastic half laugh and stated, "Other then abort an innocent feotus."

Naomi shook her head. "Ever since I've known you, you've worked at convincing me and anyone else you came across, that having a termination is one of the most selfless decisions a woman can make. How come you have different rules for yourself?"

"I don't know. I don't understand any of this, I just feel..." Addison trailed off, glass already half empty.

"Feel what? Finish your sentence Addison, you don't need to filter."

"But I don't know," Addison responded, meeting Naomi's eyes. "I have no idea how I feel. I'm so lost, Nay. I'm so...something, I've never felt like this."

"I think Violet would call it grieving."

"I hate it. I hate this." Addison held on to the anger although they both knew it was only because it was an easier emotion to manage than sadness. Sometimes pain is just too intense, it rips at the soul until you feel like you'll disintegrate. Just disappear into a void. "I just want to turn back time and make sure this never happened. Put a bloody condom on him, how stupid was I?"

"And if we had a magic wand, sure. But we don't."

"Who's stupid plan is this? It's cruel. Tell me that I can't have children, that there's no hope only to give me some fluke miracle and then take it away anyway." Her voice broke slightly but she washed the emotion down with another refill; the empty bottle discarded to the floor.

Naomi nodded. "It's not fair," she said softly.

"No," Addison said shaking her head, "it's not fair. None of this is fair." She pushed her palm into the arm of the sofa and breathed heavily, trying to contain her misplaced anger. "I just feel pissed off."

"And hurt. Sad."

"Yeah well, it doesn't change anything." Her words had a slight slur to them, the hastedly consumed wine on an empty stomach having the desired effect. Though the outcome was less a feeling of relaxation and more the inability to compartmentalise her thoughts and emotions.

"It's okay to be upset."

"But that's it, I don't want to be upset."

Naomi smiled. "It's not a matter of wanting to Addi."

"You don't understand – I want to hit something. I want to throw something, I was to smash every thing that I can find in this house, into a million pieces." She escalated quickly, hands curled into tight fists and punching repeatedly at her thighs. Naomi moved cautiously, lowering her feet to the floor and reaching out to place her hand on Addison's arm. She recoiled, her breathing sharp and rapid. The empty bottle of wine was in her hand and thrown across the room before Naomi had a chance to intervene. It happened so quickly, as if in one swift motion until it fell from her grip; and then time stood still. The bottle drifting through the air, tumbling in a slight arc and meeting the wall with a large thud. It caught the edge of a photo frame, knocking the frame to the floor. The glass shattered, splinters spreading wildly and remnants of wine immediately evident on the walls, a stark contrast to the perfect white. Addison covered her mouth with trembling hands as her eyes widened and stared unblinking at mess. The noise of the glass smashing was so sudden and brief, but the silence that followed seemed emptier somehow. Frightening and empty. "I'm sorry," Addison whispered, her voice barely audible.

Naomi just moved close to her, one hand on her back and the other gripping her hands and pulling them away from her mouth. "Feel better?" she asked quietly.

Eyes still wide eyed, Addison nodded. "A little."

"We have to drink another before you can go again," Naomi said softly, rubbing her back and entwining their fingers. Addison gave a small smile in response, tears pooling in her eyes. "Maybe we'll go white this time; that's going to be a bitch to repaint."

With a relieved and tearful chuckle, Addison shook her head as if in disbelief and droppred her ear to Naomi's shoulder. "Don't go. Okay?"