Episode 4: Buck Naked

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or own America's Next Top Model.

"Welcome everyone to America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition, today's episode is "Buck Naked"…chuckle" shouted KayKrissi to the lenses of the camera "I am your host KayKrissi, Cylobaby is my talented co-host, and your super-dee-duper guest judge is ….Mr. Very Big and Enormous…scary."

"And I'm Cylobaby, Kay is trying to introduce the one and only Hagrid, and we can't forget Voldie," announced Cylo. Hagrid scooted his fuzzy chair farther away from the Dark Lord.

"What, the job pays well…being the Dark Lord is hard work and the profit minimal," whispered Voldemort, glaring at Hagrid. Hagrid gulped and Cylo pinched the back of Voldie's spine.

"Harry, Draco…yummy, Krumbley, Ron and Ginny," Kay snorted."Krumbley," she repeated, thrilled with her own joke.

"Me Krum, me Krumbley, Cookies Krumbley, Viktor like cookies," grunted the Seeker.

"Cookies? Where?" asked Ron, waking up. "I thought I ate them all…"

"Shut up, Ron, we all know you're an idiot," Cylo growled.

"Right on," Malfoy said, winking at her.

"Hey, you're supposed to be with me!" shouted Kay, latching onto his arm. He shuddered.

"Just get on with it," spat Voldie.

"Fine with me," Ginny muttered, glaring at Kay. "Just get that boyfriend stealer off of him!"

Harry sniffed, tears gathering in his green eyes. "I thought I was your boyfriend, Ginny."

"Heck no," she said. "Draco's way hotter than you… and he's evil."

"Me and Fuckotter's whore sitting in a tree, S-H-A-G-G-I-N-G," Draco taunted.

"Silence, Draco-pie!" Kay shrieked.

Draco hummed a little under his breath, but the noise died off when Kay smacked him on the head.

"Today's theme is called "Buck Naked" and every model sometime during the show must pose scandalously," Hagrid read off of a small pink sheet, scented with perfume.

"I am not going to skive down into my skivvies, you American perverts," whined Harry while still crying over Ginny.

"Well…not meaning to interrupt on your nagging Fuckotter, but I don't mind showing off my…sexy bod, for those worthy enough to even watch," snickered Draco, winking at Cylo and Kay snarled. The Dark Lord glared at Malfoy in sheer amazement.

"I wish Hermione didn't get voted off this episode, sight" cried Ron blinking "The only lassie left is my sister; I wanted to see some muggleborn junk!"

"Gross, pureblood is the only por….what is this show rated again?" asked Malfoy raising his left eyebrow, slick and blonde.

"The show is rated all ages but…the after party is uncensored, meet me backstage, my Evil-Hunk," Kay drawled suggestively.

Draco gulped.

"Anyways, Harry will be posing with a horse, nude," Voldie announced. "Viktor will be wearing a dunce cap, Ron will have a chicken leg, and Ginny will be will be wearing a swimsuit."

"Hey, that's not fair!" cried Draco. "I have to be NAKED!"

"Trust me, I won't be enjoying it either," Voldemort hissed, shuddering.

"But I will!" exclaimed Kay.

Cylo sighed. "I wish I could see Sirius naked…"

"HE"S DEAD!" Harry shouted. "Good Lord, woman, even I've come to terms with that!"

"Uh huh. That's what you want me to think," Cylo replied, eyes narrowed.

"Let's get started!" said Kay, trying to rip off Draco's shirt.

"Actually, it's time for a short commercial break from our sponsors," Cylo proclaimed.

Hagrid looked confused. "What sponsors?"

"Our reviewers!" said Kay.

"What reviewers?" Hagrid asked, still looking confused.

Cylo shut him up. We're not saying how.

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Commercial:

"Hello, my name is Tracey from the Prevention of Animal Cruelty. The only forms of animal abuse thus far have been hurting dogs and trapping wild bears, that isn't the worst of it all.

"New reports show that people have been posing naked. With horses. Put a stop to this sort of abuse by calling 123-456-7890. Thank you."

"And if you remember seeing the boy named Danny, please inform the police."

End

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"Welcome back to America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition. We are your hosts KayKrissi and Cylobaby," Kay and Cylo screamed at once.

"Easy on the eardrums, women," muttered Voldemort, hands on the sides of his head.

"You don't even have ears," taunted Kay.

Voldie looked offended. "Uh huh. They're holes in the side of my head."

"Shut up or you'll have one more hole in your head," Cylo growled, advancing on the poor Dark Lord.

"Ron, you're first," Hagrid grunted.

"No," Ron objected.

"Say what?" said Cylo.

"You said I'm posing with a chicken leg. I hate chicken. What type of wizard do you think I am that you think I'll settle for just plain old chicken?"

"You settled for Hermione," Kay reminded him.

"Oh yeah," he said, looking shocked at the revelation.

"Fine, Ginny, you're first," Kay said, pointing at the only remaining girl.

The redhead shrugged and whipped off her robes to reveal a black one-piece.

"I dunno, Kay, I think that's a little too scandalous for the show, don'cha think?" Cylo said, inspecting her. "I mean, you can see her legs."

"That's scandal with a capital C," Kay said. "C'mon, Cy, sex sells."

Draco blinked and turned to Harry. "Are they kidding?"

"Cover her up!" Harry exclaimed. "She's a lady!"

"I sell sex," Krum grunted, smiling.

"Vicky, I'd totally go gay for you," Ron said.

Draco let out a scream. "What's wrong with you people? She's in a BATHING SUIT! And Krum is a freak."

"Ron!" Harry exclaimed. "I thought we meant something!"

Ron raised an eyebrow with difficulty (it was a skill a little beyond his abilities). "Get rid of the scar and we can talk."

"What about those hugs?" Harry pleaded.

Ron frowned. "You mean the time I was trying to pick the food off your sweater?" Ron asked.

Harry curled into a ball and sobbed to himself.

"Um, Jerry Springer called. He wants his show back," Kay said, lips pursed.

"C'mon Ginny," Cylo said. "Let's go to the shoot."

The boys watched them walk away. "Draco! Stop looking at Ginny! She's indecent!"

Draco exploded. "She's wearing a bathing suit!" he shouted. "She's not freaking naked!"

Ron covered Krum's ears. "Stop lying Draco. You're messing up the minds of the innocent," he hissed.

Krum giggled.

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After the shoot:

"Elimination round," Cylo called. "One of you will be eliminated from the running to becoming America's next top model. Draco, step forward."

Kay displayed a racy picture of Draco. "You looked hot in this one," she said, giggling. "This is for my wall."

Draco rolled his eyes. "I'd have looked just as hot in a bathing suit," he muttered, rather uncomfortable for one so arrogant before.

"Next person is Krum," Cylo said.

Kay revealed the picture. "You were amazing in that dunce cap. You almost really looked dumb," she said, amazed.

"Uh, what?" Krum asked. "Krum like ice cream cone."

"Next is Ginny Weasley," Cylo said.

Kay sniffed. "You were so brave to go in front of the camera in just that," she said, showing the picture of Ginny in a bathing suit.

"You're insane," Draco muttered.

"Will Ron and Harry please step forward?" Cylo said.

"You two were the bottom two," Kay said. "Ron, you looked like an idiot. Harry, you looked hideous."

Harry let out a sob. "This hurts worse than anything that's ever happened to me!"

Voldie sighed. "…Back to the drawing board…"

"Though we really wanted Harry out because he should never be nude, EVER… We decided not to because, well, his name's in the title. So Ron, you're out."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ron cried.

"Cylo, would you like to do the honors?" Kay said.

Cylo bounded to her button board and her finger hovered over 'Fire Pit.' "Fire, fire!" Cylo bellowed, snapping her fingers before pressing the button.

"Join us next time for America's Next Top Model!" the two hostesses said together over Ron's lingering screams.

No animals were harmed in the making of this episode. Wizards however….

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Just so you know, we do respect Daniel Radcliffe for expanding his career, but the opportunity to mock him was too great to resist. Thank you.