A/N: Thanks for all the amazing reviews! I wish I could have updated sooner. I feel terrible. Sob.
But here's to hoping you like this instalment just as much.
Jacob sat alone in the Ten-Minute Break room, flipping through Playboy magazine, and sighing as he stared at all the gorgeous women. All the other characters were in fanfics at the moment (yes, Esme and Carlisle FINALLY got a fanfic!) and he was extremely bored, and in need of female companionship.
As if on cue, the door flew open, and Bella came running in, looking as if she had just received a slap across the face. Her eyes were wide, her jaw dropped, and she looked utterly horrified.
"Hey Bells...what's up?" Jacob asked casually. "Shouldn't you be in that Bella/Edward/ OC fic?" Bella opened and closed her mouth several times before answering.
"...I got killed off!" she finally cried out. "I got killed off!"
"Aw, that sucks," Jacob shrugged. Bella was shocked.
"No, you don't understand, Jacob...I got killed off! ME! I'm Bella freaking Swan! I never get killed off! OUR ONLY FEAR IS LOSING YOU my ass!" Jacob ran to Bella's side, patting her shoulder and hushing her.
"Shh...Bella, relax. It's okay. We all get killed off sooner or later!" he assured her calmly.
"Not me! Everyone loves me! HOW COULD I GET KILLED OFF?" Bella shrieked frantically.
"How did you die?" Jacob wondered.
"Edward! He lost control and ATE me just so he could stay with the slutty OC!! He's supposed to die! Not me! I'm the one who's supposed to lose control as a newborn and kill him so that I can hook up with a slutty OC! Not DIE!" Bella slumped into a chair, holding her head in her hands and breathing deeply. "Oh God...I think I'm having a stroke!" Jacob sat down beside her, rubbing her back and helping her breathe.
"It's okay Bella...baby..." Jacob said, letting his hands run lower, as an idea struck him. "Edward is just a big huge jerk anyways! You need someone nicer...someone human-er...someone, like, say...me! Jacob/Bellas are pretty hot, you know..."
Then Alice walked in, followed by Esme and Carlisle, who were back from their one-shot. Jacob immediately jumped away from Bella, who wasn't paying attention to him anyways.
"Well that was short-lived," Esme sighed.
"Just be glad we got something," Carlisle replied. Then they spotted Bella, who was still breathing heavily.
"What's going on?" Esme asked.
"She got killed off," Jacob replied.
"Me! I got killed off, Alice!" Bella began again, leaping up. "How could they DO that to me?"
"Relax Bella, we've all been killed off at some point," Carlisle assured her.
"Some more than others..."Jacob added bitterly.
"But I'm BELLA!" Bella cried. She sighed, sitting down again, "Someone get me a paper bag."
"Sorry honey. After that last fic, I think I might need some rest!" Esme said.
"Why? What was so bad about it?" Alice asked.
"We got a puppy. A FUCKING PUPPY, ALICE!" Carlisle hollered. Esme patted his shoulder.
"Deep breaths, Carlisle. It was only a one-shot," she reminded him.
"Yeah, but now it's gonna inspire little girls to write MORE puppy stories!" Carlisle groaned, also sitting down, "Don't people know that I'm a CAT person?!"
Then the door opened and Sam and Emily came walking out, looking annoyed.
"Well that story sucked!" he announced. "I didn't even get any tongue!"
"Sam, honey, it was rated K," Emily reminded him.
"Still! You'd think middle schoolers could go a little further than hugging!" Sam complained. Then they spotted the hyperventilating Bella. Emily frowned.
"What happened to-"
"Don't get her started..."Jacob warned.
Then the annoying, droning voice came over the speakers:
"TEN-MINUTE BREAK FOR THE FOLLOWING FANFICS: GOSSIP GIRL, ERAGON, HARRY POTTETR AND TWILIGHT."
Edward suddenly came dashing through the door frantically. He looked around, then spotted Bella, and went bolting across the room.
"Bella!" he cried. Bella looked up...and scowled.
"You bastard! You killed me!" she shouted.
"Ooh! Drama in the Twilight corner everybody!" Dumbledore called. Before they knew it, every other book in the room was gathered around Bella and Edward.
"Five dollars to come see Bella and Edward have a real fight for a change!" Aro called, jumping up onto a chair.
"Aro! We are NOT selling tickets to this!" Jane scolded.
"Not for five dollars! Are you kidding? This is worth at least ten," Demetri snorted. Jane glowered at him. "Er, I mean...no fight! Nothing going on! Move along everybody!" The crowd dispersed, grumbling as they returned to their corners.
"Bella, I'm really sorry," Edward insisted. "Everything was horrible after you were killed off anyways! The author got tons of flames, and the story's been dropped!" Bella looked at Edward...and smiled.
"Well, in that case...I forgive you!" And she and Edward shared a hug, causing all the other books to let out sighs of 'Aw!' while Jane, Jacob, and most of the wolves gagged.
"No one ever flames when I get killed off..." Jane grumbled.
"Amen to that," Jacob sighed.
"Aw Jane, I'm sorry no one likes you," Bella said sympathetically. Jane sighed.
"Maybe I should move into Eragon," she grumbled.
"Sounds good to me," Felix shrugged. Aro slapped him, from his post on the chair.
"No Jane! If you go, who will I frustrate because their powers don't work on me?" Bella reasoned.
"Edward," Jane offered.
"Edward? Why?" Aro asked, looking down at everybody.
"Because everything annoys Edward," Jane pointed out. The others all nodded.
"She's got a point there," Jacob stated.
"Okay Jane, go join Eragon. We don't need you," Aro decided.
"Cool. It was nice working with you guys!" And Jane walked off.
"So...now we're down a character," Alice stated.
"I guess this means Tanya will become more popular," Jacob said.
"Tanya..." Bella growled angrily. Carlisle hushed her. The others frowned.
"What's her problem?" Esme asked.
"She has this thing against Tanya, because she and Edward have had more time together in stories even though she never even configures in the book. She's only mentioned." Alice explained.
"Actually, most authors interpret the prejudice as jealousy," Carlisle added, "Because she and Edward had that whole thing going."
"I just don't trust Tanya, because we all know she's a skank!" Bella cried.
"Can deny that one," Carlisle agreed.
"I'M THE MAIN FRICKIN CHARACTER! SHE'S NOT EVEN IN THE BOOK! IT'S NOT FAIR!" Bella screamed furiously.
"Jeez, is today National Bella Flips-Out Day or something?" Jacob grumbled, as Alice slammed her hand over Bella's mouth.
"That's every day," Aro corrected.
"Hey, has anyone seen Emmett?" Alice asked, frowning, "We've already lost Jasper, Leah, and Rosalie…"
Aro, who was still standing on the chair, took a quick head count.
"OMDE, we're missing Felix too!" he exclaimed.
"Maybe they're in the secret room of OCs!" Bella suggested her eyes wide.
"Please, Bella. That joke is SO old…" Edward groaned.
"Don't tell me the Harry Potter people took THEM too!?" Embry cried.
"That joke as well…" Esme sighed.
"Four chapters of sitting around doing nothing really is pushing it for an author," Alice said, "Why isn't anything happening? Wait…wait…I'm getting something…"
"WHAT?" all the characters crowded around Alice.
"No, I'm not. That was the moment when the author decides to have me say that werewolves are involved, so I can't see a thing."
While all the characters were grumbling, Emmett and Demetri burst inside, as did Harry Potter along with Dobby.
"I got it!" Emmett shouted, waving a piece of parchment paper over his head.
"Ew. Emmett, how can you touch that thing?" Edward asked, pointing to the parchment.
"It's not gross!" Emmett retorted, "It's just a piece of computer paper that someone spilled tea on!"
Edward rolled his eyes.
While Edward and Emmett had were arguing about paper, all the other characters went back to their separate tables, in an anti-climatic, boring parody fanfic type way.
Bella slumped down in the chair next to Jacob, who was staring at the Gossip Girl characters.
"Damn, Jenny is looking fine..." Jacob commented, completely ignoring everyone else, forgotten over Bella's melt down.
"Jacob!" Bella cried.
"Hey, it's like, okay to say that now!" Jacob defended. "You know, 'cause of all the fanfics that involve me with a thousand other OCs from crossovers and all that shit."
"Just because people have done it doesn't make it okay," Bella pointed out.
"Good enough for me," Jacob shrugged. "It's your fault anyway. But it's not like any of those Harry Potter chicks are anything great."
"True," Bella agreed.
"Now that elf from Eragon on the other hand..." Jacob said, gazing over at Arya.
"Forget it, Jake. It's not like we'll ever have a crossover," Bella remarked.
"Ok…wanna make out?" he asked, grinning.
"Ew. Stop it…"
"Bella, we need to talk," Edward declared, ending his argument with Emmett immediately after seeing Bella with Jacob.
"What about?" Bella asked innocently.
"Innocently? Why's she so innocent?" Edward demanded.
"Edward!" Bella whined.
"Right. Sorry." Edward turned back to Bella. "I don't want you hanging around Jacob. He's a werewolf and he's dangerous."
"Edward, how many times do we have to have this discussion? It's included in every other fanfic!" Bella insisted.
"That's what all characters say when they're really cheating/about to cheat!" Edward cried.
"You don't trust me?" Bella asked, pouting, as her eyes began to well with tears.
"Okay, how over-dramatic is that?" Edward snapped.
"Edward, stop interrupting the author and end this God damn scene so we can move on with the story," Emmett grumbled.
"Okay, okay," Edward sighed. "Bella, I do trust you. I just don't trust Jacob, because we all know he's a slut." Bella shrugged, nodding.
"Hm…Yeah." she agreed, remembering their latest conversation.
"Hey!" Jacob cried. "You stupid author, defend me! I thought you loved me!"
"What? Oh yeah…um." I stopped, catching the death glare from Jacob. "Bella, Edward...shut up."
"Well that was simple," Edward commented, "Where was this story going again?"
At that exact moment, the annoying voice came over the intercom.
"ATTENTION ALL CHARACTERS OF TWILIGHT AND HARRY POTTER. PAINTBALL WAR TEAMS HAVE BEEN DECIDED BY EMMETT AND DOBBY. PLEASE CHECK FOR YOUR NAME IMMEDEATELY."
There was a mad scramble as all the characters of the aforementioned stories tried to get a look at the list.
TEAM TWILIGHT:
CAPTAIN: Dr. Carlisle Cullen
Bella Swan
Edward Cullen
Esme Cullen
Emmett Cullen
Aro
Jane
Felix
Demetri
Sam
Embry
Mike
Victoria
& Jacob
TEAM HARRY POTTER
CAPTAIN: Ron Weasley
Hermione
Dumbledore
Voldemort
Snape
Malfoy
Dobby
Fleur
Ginny
Luna
Lupin
Sirius
Cedric
Crabbe
Goyle
& Hagrid.
REFEREES: Alice Cullen and Harry Potter
"Why do they get more people?" Edward inquired, sounding annoyed.
"Because," Emmett replied, logically, "They're stupid."
"Crazier things have happened…"Bella started to say, "Or maybe not."
"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS! TEN-MINUTE BREAK IS UP! PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THE FOLLOWING LISTING OF STORIES AND CHARACTERS NEEDED..."
"TWILIGHT..."
"ERAGON CROSSOVER..."
"SCORE!" Jacob cried, leaping up, and running to the door excitedly.
"CHARACTERS NEEDED: Edward, Alice, Emmett, Esme Carlisle, AND Jacob..."
"HECK YES!"And Jacob went bolting out the door.
Edward grudgingly pulled himself off of Bella.
"We are SO not finished yet," he insisted, as he stormed off.
"Carlisle...we're in a story that's not a one-shot!" Esme cried.
"And there are no puppies!"Carlisle added excitedly. The two skipped out the door giggling hysterically, as the Eragon characters followed them, looking concerned.
"Get used to it," Bella warned them as they cautiously walked through the door behind the Twilight crew.
"ATTENTION! THERE IS A CORRECTION! IT WAS Bella, NOT Jacob WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE FIC! THANK YOU."
Bella leapt up.
"I'm coming Edward!" she called happily as she skipped off out the door.
"God dammit!" Jacob grumbled, crossing his arms.
A/N: The next chapter WILL be the paintball war!
Review please.