Chapter 3
I Need You Tonight Because I'm Not Sleeping
There are so many things I say I want to forget, like all those nights he climbed through my window late at night. But it's not true. I want them. I want to hold onto as many memories as I can. I don't have much else left.
There are really only a few memories that I want to trade in for better ones. But if I did that, I'd have missed out on this life. I would be living in someone else's world.
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Three weeks had passed since school had let out and causal talks of the immanent future had begun at the dinner table. Talks of college, career plans…all those things that should be important but aren't. I have so much more on my mind. There were parties to attend, alcohol to be consumed, drugs to be taken. But it wasn't just about the parties. If I couldn't even figure out the present how the hell am I supposed to figure out my future?
At one point in time I had been a notoriously heavy sleeper. I had been able to sleep through the ear-splitting shrieking of the smoke alarm when I was ten when Charlie failed at spaghetti. But now for the past few years, every slight sound woke me up. I was like a paranoid mother thinking the soft whistling of the wind was her child crying. It has been years since I was able to sleep soundly.
I sat up from my restless sleep, the light cotton sheet clinging to my sweaty body. The silvery light of the full moon illuminated a maple branch, knocked lose by the strong winds of the upcoming storm, tapping on my half-open window. The week had set record breaking highs all around the city, some rain would be nice. I pushed the sheet off of me and ran my fingers through my hair as I glanced at the clock, the red numbers glaring at me hatefully. 2:48, it's getting late. I kicked the cotton sheet that had tangled itself around my feet to the floor as another loud knock on my window got me out of bed.
I tugged the chord of my rickety ceiling fan then made my way across my small bedroom. I opened the window all the way and leaned, smiling. I quietly moved to sit on the window ledge and closed my eyes appreciating the cool night breeze on my moist flesh as I listened to the shrill chirping of the crickets. I was in a tight light gray tank and a pair of pink panties and I still thought I might overheat and die. I opened my eyes and looked up seeing only a few sprinkles of stars through the heavy blanket of the storm clouds. I twisted my neck and looked over to the Masen's house, all the lights off, no noise, no movement, very odd. I waited a minute, inhaling the thick humid summer air before reluctantly climbing back into my room and closing the window. The screen had broken years ago and it never got replaced. It was going to be hotter than hell in my room now but I didn't want it raining into my room while I slept. Or at least tried to sleep.
I sat on the edge of my bed and pulled my hair into a lose, messy ponytail. I wiped the sweat from my forehead rubbed my tired eyes. I miss sleep. I rested my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands. I wasn't going to get to sleep tonight. I groaned softly and fell back onto my bed. I rolled onto my side, facing the wall and prayed for sleep. But the soft and steady rapping at my window forced me to my feet again. I didn't even need to look to know what it was; I instinctively walked over and reopened it. Judging by the time, I knew it wasn't good. His face was covered by shadow when he climbed through my second story window, like he had been doing for years.
And so started what seemed to have developed into a routine for the two of us on those nights. I reached under my bed and pulled out my father's old, worn burgundy sleeping bag as Jacob switched on my bedside lamp. The 25 watt bulb illuminated the room just enough for the two of us to see. I cringed at the site in front of me. I had been right. This was bad. There were dried splotches of rust colored blood on his T-shirt and a trail of fresh blood leaking from his swollen nose. I pulled the first aid kit out and put it on my bed then made my way to the bathroom. I wet a washcloth and returned to find him waiting for me on my bed.
"You're late." I yawned. "I was getting worried." I smiled weakly, examining him for more injuries. His right eye was swelling and a bruise was already forming. "What happened this time?" I asked taking his injured face in my hands and gently washing it.
"The same as usual." He grunted, flinching as I wiped the blood from his fat lip.
"Sorry." I gave him a sympathetic smile. "How's Edward?"
"He'll be all right." Neither of us spoke for a minute while I worked to clean him up. "He always is. We always are."
"How come you're the only one who ever comes to me?" I pondered out loud.
That brought a small smile to his worn face. "I don't know why he doesn't now. Now that he knows that you know. Now that it's all out there in the open with us. But back when it started to get really bad, when you I first came to you, Edward had a huge crush on you. He was too embarrassed for you to see him like that, you know. He was so mad at me when he figured out where I was going. He was so ashamed. I guess he didn't want you to see him like that. He didn't want you to know what it was like."
I scoffed. "Little did he know that I had my own experience in shitty parenting that he didn't know about. But why be ashamed? It's not his fault. He knows that, right?"
"Yeah, I know," he cut me off, clearly he didn't want to discuss it. He never did. I never did either. I could hold my curiosity at bay. It wasn't worth the damage it would inflict to know everything. It would probably hurt me too much to know everything. They may not have been my family by blood, but I'd take them over the family God had given me any day.
"I never knew Edward had a crush on me." I laughed continuing the conversation on a lighter note, a happier note.
"Yeah." His smile faded.
"I never would have guessed. Sometimes he acted like he barely even liked me at all." This was how things usually went. We never really discussed the situation at hand. We never really discussed anything important. We wanted to keep our complicated lives as simple as possible.
"Nope. He had a huge crush on you. Borderline infatuation." There was a short pause in the conversation. "I think he still likes you."
"No way," I said a little too loud. "He's got Tanya other girlfriends and... we're practically related."
"And there's me," he reminded me.
"And there's you," I agreed, stopping my nurse work on him. "But it's not like that for us, is it?" I asked, we never took the time to define our relationship. It was a friendship that evolved into something a little bit more every day.
"I don't know what it's like for us," he shrugged and reached for my hand. "I know what it's like for me."
There was a silence that fell over us. Neither one of us knew what to say to the other. "And what is it like for you?" I asked, not wanting to put my two cents in just then.
He groaned in frustration. "God, I don't know. Bella, I like you. I really like you but I don't know what that means. We're best friends. Don't people say they don't want to ruin it with a relationship. But we kind of already are in one, right?" he didn't stop to let me answer, he just kept rambling. "I mean, we see each other all the time. And we hook up on the regular. And we haven't been with anyone else in awhile. And I don't think I want to be with anyone else." He finally stopped to take a breath. "And we're always here for each other. I like that."
"I like it too," I agreed softly. Still not wanting to add my opinion, because I didn't know what it was.
"So..." he said, trying to prompt me to answer. But I didn't have one.
"So..." I copied him as a cop out.
He let out a heavy sigh, understanding my silence. I had a lot to think about. "But yeah, there's me. He can't have you. Because if one of us is going to get you, it's me," he said with finality. Our relationship wasn't completely defined but he had put himself out there. And I was the wimp who couldn't finish it off. I couldn't express my feeling because I didn't know what they were. Did I like him? Yes. Did I love him? Yes. But I loved Edward too. I wasn't in love with Edward. But was I in love with Jacob either? I don't know. We're too young and messed up to figure things like that out yet.
I smiled at him and changed the subject. "So is he staying at Tanya's?" I said, putting a bandage over one of his cleaned wounds.
"Tanya is just an occasional midnight fuck for him. She doesn't know what's going on. I don't think he's ever confided in anyone really. He keeps this all in. He doesn't want anyone to know. Not like I do. But you've had your own shit too. And you're one of us." I could tell he was pressing me to express myself but I wasn't ready yet.
"Edward is just feeding everyone the traditional brotherly boxing match excuse?" I noted. He cringed as I applied some disinfectant to his few small cuts. "Where does he stay when he gets out of the house?"
"I don't know. He likes to keep all that shit to himself. He crashes with some other kids I guess. You know how he can be."
"Aren't you worried?"
"About Edward? No. He can handle himself. He has been for years. And if he wanted help, he could find it. It's surprisingly close." He looked at me through his long eye lashes.
"I know you don't really need to be worried about him," I shook my head, my eyes not leaving his face. "But don't you worry about everything. It all seems to be getting worse." He didn't respond. He just sat letting me nurse him. "I don't think it's broken." I commented, carefully inspecting his nose. I smiled at him weakly, dropping the subject. I replaced the supplies in the first aid kit and snapped it shut, sliding it back under my bed.
"Thanks." He returned my smile.
"That's what best friends are for." I could see he wanted to respond but he just closed his mouth and smiled. I wrapped my arms around him. He inhaled sharply as I placed my hands on his back. I knew what that meant. I pulled away and crawled behind him, gingerly pulling up his T-shirt to reveal the large purple bruises forming from his shoulder blades and down. I pulled his shirt over his head and looked over his shoulder to see matching bruises forming on his stomach up to his ribs. "Jacob..."
"It's not that bad." He grunted and jerked at the feather light touch of the pads of my fingers slowly moving along the giant bruise on his back.
Even if he wouldn't admit it, it was hurting him. I knew it was. I gathered a few extra pillows and put them down on the bed and pushed him forward softly and slowly, making him lie on his stomach on top of the pillows. I produced a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a bag of cotton balls from the first aid kit. "Are any of the ribs broken?"
"I don't think so." He shook his head and buried his face in my fluffy dark cobalt pillow. I gingerly sat on the backs of his thighs, straddling him as I ran an alcohol soaked cotton swab along the bruise lightly. It helped cool his flesh as it quickly evaporated, helping ease the throbbing of the bruised muscles and flesh. We didn't say anything. We didn't need too. I tossed the used cotton swab into my garbage pail and kissed his cheek.
"I was serious about what I said before. About us leaving," I whispered in his ear.
"I just want to get some sleep right now," he sighed ignoring me as usual. I don't know why he avoided talking about it. There wasn't anything else we could have done, other than sit and waste our lives away in that town. I don't know what he had been so scared of. I still don't.
"I'll sleep on the floor tonight." I said softly, accepting that he wasn't going to answer me. Just like I was unable to answer him.
"You don't have to," he said sitting up slowly.
"It's fine." I smiled as I stood. I pulled off his shoes and socks and helped him out of his pants. I kissed his cheek again and pulled the white sheet up over his bare back. "Love you. Sleep tight." His only response was a soft moan but I knew what it meant, 'thanks, love you too'. These nights made me feel like a helpless mother. It was mentally and emotionally taxing. God only knows how he felt through all of it. I just wanted to be able to tell him that it would get better and know that it would. But I wasn't exactly an optimist myself. And I know better. I didn't see anything getting better in the near future. Not until we were able to get away and make a life for ourselves. And even then we still have those memories to weigh us down.
I sighed and crawled into the sleeping bag. The heavy cotton inside lining absorbed my body heat making me sweat even more. I crawled out and settled on the cooler burgundy outside. It had to be close to 3 am now, but now with Jacob in my room I felt safer and knew that maybe I would be able to get some sleep. At least I knew the boys were safe, for the moment. But I'd have to make sure that he was awake by 6 to make sure he could sneak back into his house undetected before his father left for work and his mother left for church. I wish there were something more I could do. I didn't like the helplessness. I wanted to be able to stop it, to prevent it instead of just cleaning up afterwards. I hated it. I hated every little bit of it. But little did I know that it wouldn't last for much longer.
I woke at 5:30 like clockwork. Like my body knew it had to be up to prevent more shit from happening. It was still hot as hell and my stomach was twisted into knots. Jacob was still sleeping in my bed, the white cotton sheet tangled at his feet, leaving me with a clear view of his back. It looked worse than it had last night. I don't know he put himself out like that. There had to be some way to stop it. It killed me to see him be put through that time and time again.
I opened the bottom drawer of my dresser and pulled out a clean T-shirt and pair of pants for Jacob. When he had started climbing through my bedroom window at night he had brought over a supply of his clothes and other essentials. I washed the ones he discarded at night, folded them then they made their way into the drawer. I had become an expert at removing blood stains and repairing holes.
I sat beside the bed, resting my head on the pillow Jacob was drooling on and watched him sleep. His steady breathing was relaxing. I cracked a small smile when I saw the small, hardly noticeable grin on his battered face. I hardly ever saw him smile anymore. There really wasn't any reason to smile anymore. I didn't want to have to wake him from his peaceful, happy slumber but if I didn't want to risk making things worse, I had to. I gently ran my long fingers though the dark messy hair. His dark brown eyes fluttered open and glared at me.
"Good morning," I whispered with a smile.
"I was having a good dream," he groaned and buried his face in the dark blue pillow.
"I could tell. And I'm sure it was all about me." I could hear his muffled laugh through the cotton filling of the pillow and rolled my eyes.
"Of course it was about you. You're the only good thing in my life," he said meeting my eyes.
I wished I had something to say to that but instead I changed the subject. "Come on. It's almost six," I urged, gently poking him in the side being careful not to hurt him. "Wake up, sleeping beauty."
"I thought you were sleeping beauty," he groaned rolling onto his side. He tried to keep a smile on his face as he moved around in bed but he failed miserably. He cringed at every move but he tried to hold it back. He didn't want me to worry and know how much pain he was actually in. "You're the girl."
"Nope." I shook my head as I helped him pull the black T-shirt on. "Can't be. I hardly ever sleep and I'm not beautiful."
He held my face in his hands and smiled at me. "I think you're beautiful." He brought his lips to mine and we kissed. I kept it chaste and simple, not wanting to hurt him anymore.
"And I think you're full of shit." I smiled and kissed him softly. "How are you feeling?"
He shrugged. "I've been worse."
"Can you get back on your own?"
"I think I can handle walking next door." He laughed as he opened my window.
"Be careful." I said, kissing him once more as he swung his legs out the window. I could tell it took a good amount of effort from the slow and almost lazy way he did it.
"As always." He smiled and jumped into the tree.
"See you tonight?" I asked leaning out the window.
"Of course." He smiled. I watched him climb down and slowly make his way across the yard. I could tell he was in pain just by the way he walked. He probably had a cracked rib, but that's nothing he hasn't suffered through before. As soon as he disappeared safely into his house I walked away from the window and collapsed onto my bed. Maybe I'll be able to get another hour of sleep before I have to get ready for work.