I think this is what really happened after the show was over...let me know what you think! " ) Bensler

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The Tenth Year

by Bensler

Chapter 4 – Lunacy

Friday, October 24

Lunar – of, involving, caused by, or affecting the moon.

Lunacy - intermittent insanity, formerly believed to change in intensity with the phases of the moon.

Lunatic – a person afflicted with lunacy; an insane person.

Elliot's mind contemplated these terms related to the moon. Earlier in the evening, it had shone brightly down upon them as they exited the hotel. Taunting them, laughing at them. Reminding Elliot of his of long lost dreams; reminding him of the heinous act his mentor had committed.

His mentor was a murderer.

Elliot had just come from central booking where he looked on as Dick Finley, former marine, former astronaut, his former mentor and hero, was photographed, fingerprinted, processed through the system and thrown into a jail cell. He could not believe his friend had it within him to murder someone. Finley had killed astronaut Marga Janssen, her corpse found afloat in the waters of Battery Park.

His mentor was a murderer.

Unable to wrap his mind around the fact that his friend, the man he had known, idolized, trusted, and even named his son after, was guilty of murder, he shook his head. That he had killed Janssen out of envy, jealousy over her advancing career while his own waned seemed even more callous, more wicked.

His mentor was a murderer.

And his partner was to have gone on a date with him. Finley had been hitting on Olivia since he met her. When Elliot had shown up at Finley's hotel room and seen in the background the tall, slender woman with the short chestnut colored hair, leaving Finley's bed, as Finley opened the door, his heart had stopped. He knew Dick had asked Olivia out and for a split second, he thought the woman was she. It only took those few seconds for his heart to jump into his throat and his breathing to become shallow as his chest constricted with an almost insufferable pain.

The thought of Olivia with anyone, let alone someone that had been so important to him, who had ultimately betrayed him, caused pure jealousy to flow through his veins, a fact he did not even attempt to deny. He was jealous enough that Dick was taking Olivia out for dinner and more upset that she had agreed to go with him. He tried to tell himself it was just his protective side of their partnership, but he knew it was more than that. Much more.

Elliot made the woman leave and he was angered all over again that here was Finley just minutes before Olivia was to arrive engaging in a tryst with another woman. Elliot was infuriated that the man had such a shallow respect for women in general and Olivia in particular. Then to make matters worse, Dick tried to make light of things by joking about asking Olivia out.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry about Olivia, you know, I-I should have checked with you before asking her out to dinner. I mean…if you're not gonna make a move." Dick was all smiles and laughter as he tried to brush off Elliot's obvious anger.

"Dinner with Olivia is off," Elliot growled in a low, menacing voice.

"I think that should be Olivia's decision, don't you?"Finley countered.

No. No way was she going to dinner with a murderer and Elliot was going to get a full confession out of him before either of them left the hotel room.

The thought that Olivia was about to go to dinner with a murderer churned his stomach and made his blood run cold. If anything had happened to her, he would never have forgiven himself. After all, he had introduced her to Dick. When he thought back to how proud he was for her to meet his old friend, a man he had looked up to and very nearly worshipped, remorse overtook him. Here he was a seasoned detective and not only is he totally taken in by a murderer, he introduces him to his partner, thereby endangering her. The rage flew all over him again as he remembered the first thing Dick had said about Olivia as he ogled her, 'Who is this gorgeous woman?'

Sitting on the hard, wooden bench in the hallway outside the booking area, Olivia was getting fidgety. It had been an hour and she absent-mindedly turned her watch around and around her wrist, wondering how much longer it would take. Elliot did not want her to come with them when Finley was booked. She was somewhat slighted by that but let it slide given how disconcerted he seemed. She had ridden back to the precinct with Elliot in the cruiser as he followed the squad car that held Finley. She thought back over the trip from the hotel to the precinct.

---

The ride had been silent. Twice she had asked him a question and twice it had gone unanswered. Knowing it was pointless to try to get anything out of him in his present state of mind, she consoled herself with the knowledge that eventually he would explain everything.

His hands tightly wound around the steering wheel, his eyes glued to the road ahead as the muscle in his jaw gave away the tension, anger and turmoil that enveloped him. Though she tried not to turn and look directly at him, she could still see the small trickle of blood coming from the deep cut on his right cheek. Rummaging in her purse, she could not help it any longer, finding some tissues, she leaned across the seat and gently dabbed at the blood. He winced.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to hurt you," she whispered as she pulled her hand away.

Catching her hand in his, he lightly squeezed it before letting it drop. "You didn't hurt me. Just surprised me, that's all," he glanced at her quickly but then his eyes settled on the road again as his hand went back to the wheel.

"Surprised?" she asked taken aback at his disclosure. She shifted a bit, leaning into the corner of the door and seat, pulling at her dress hem that seemed much shorter than it had before as it slid up to mid thigh. Now, she searched his face, waiting for him to explain, or at least look at her again.

"Yea. I…uh…I didn't think…you still cared," his voice was gruff, thick with emotion.

"El?" she could not believe he would think that much less say it. "Where'd that come from, huh?"

"I mean, why would you? You know…care? Look…uh…I…you…things have been…well, strained between us this last year or so and…well…I ruined your date and…" he pulled into a parking space in front of the precinct and watched as the uniforms took Richard Finley out of the squad car and headed up the steps of the precinct.

"Elliot…" she felt the words she wanted to say stick in her throat.

She wanted to tell him that no matter how strained, how awkward things were or ever got between them, she would always care. Always. And that this was dinner with someone she had just met, not really a date in her mind and even if it were, he mattered much more than a date with anyone, even a famous astronaut.

He opened the door and she started to do the same. "Liv, I…I don't want you in there when they process Finley," his eyes locked with hers.

"But I…" she started to protest.

"Please…give us a minute and then come in and wait for me," he asked pleadingly.

She nodded. She had no way of knowing he simply did not want Finley to be able to see her at all much less how she had dressed up for him. Finley did not deserve that pleasure, that ego trip.

"And we'll talk later, okay. I gotta catch up with them," he nodded at the officers and Finley.

"Promise?" she asked quietly, unbuckling the seatbelt and opening the door.

He jumped out and came around to hold the door for her, "Promise."

He gave her a small smile and wished he could tell her how pretty she was in that silvery blue dress. But given that her reason for dressing up was about to be booked, he thought he should not bring attention to her attire no matter how good she looked. Maybe especially because of how good she looked.

- - -

The door opened and she looked up but it was not Elliot. Disappointed, she slouched back against the hard bench, re-crossing her legs and wishing she had on jeans or slacks or at the very least a longer dress. She resumed running the last several day's events through her head, finding judgment for herself because she never even suspected Finley and normally she prided herself on being able to read people quite well. Was she slipping or was she simply enamored because a famous astronaut had asked her to dinner? Replaying their conversation, she knew she was captivated by Finley's charm and generous compliments.

"Now, you've been my partner for what, ten years now, and you've never once told me that you know an astronaut," she playfully chided Elliot.

"Oh, like I need the competition," Elliot had responded.

"Well, looks like you're doing just fine to me," Finley told him as he smiled at Olivia.

Later when he asked her out, she was taken aback.

"I would love to go. Shall I call Elliot, and see if he can join us?"she asked.

Finley smiled, "Oh, I think you and me can handle this."

Her stomach flip-flopped at the thought of what might have actually happened on the date. What she might have done. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall and almost at the same moment, she heard the door open again. Opening her eyes, she saw Elliot scanning the room, looking for her.

When he found her, he headed her way and she stood to meet him. This was not the Elliot she knew. This Elliot looked dazed, crushed. Standing silently for a moment he searched her face, then looked away, his right hand wrapped around the back of his neck.

"El? You okay," she lightly rested her right hand at the crook of his elbow.

Turning back to her, he took her by the arm, "Let's get out of here."

Once they settled in the car, he cranked it up and headed toward her apartment. Not ready to go home, she suggested they stop somewhere to get a drink.

Elliot shook his head, "Not tonight. If I start drinking, I'll get drunk, have to sleep in the crib, or get cab home, Kathy will be mad…and…well, it's just not a good idea right now." He also did not need alcohol in the emotional state he was in and Olivia being there, too, would be asking for trouble. The kind of trouble his wife had worried about for years.

Nodding in agreement, she leaned her head back on the headrest. She thought that would give them a chance to talk. He had promised they would, but perhaps it would be better to wait until tomorrow. Deciding to let him call the shots, she said nothing else. Fifteen minutes of silence passed and then they were pulling up in front of her building.

Elliot quickly parallel parked and shut off the engine. Staring straight ahead, he said nothing. After several more minutes of silence, she took this as her cue to leave and opened the car door as she spoke.

"Uh…I guess I'll head on up…thanks for the ride…" she reached beside her for her purse with her left hand.

It happened so fast, she did not know what to think. Reaching across her, he pulled the door shut. "Don't go," he remained leaning over her his hand on the door handle, his blue eyes darkened to midnight. "Please."

She nodded slowly and leaned back into the seat, their eyes locked. He was so close; she felt the heat from his body and her breath caught in her throat.

"Okay…" she managed to whisper weakly.

He held her gaze for a minute or so longer and then leaned back in his own seat. He scrubbed at his face with both hands and then pinched the bridge of his nose as he let out a deep breath through pursed lips.

Olivia had no idea what to say. She wished something would come to her so she could make this all seem like it was no big deal, but she knew it was to Elliot. He had just lost his hero. A man he had aspired to imitate. A man he thought so worthy of adulation, that his firstborn son was the man's namesake.

Staring out the window at her building, he finally spoke. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm so, so sorry," he turned and looked at her.

Puzzled by his apology, she responded, "This is not your fault, El. You have nothing to be sorry about."

"Yes, I do. You were meeting him for dinner…what if…Liv, if something had happened to you…I would never…"

"Well, I didn't go…and even if I had, I'm a big girl and a detective and I have a badge and the gun that goes with it. Nothing would have happened, Elliot. Nothing. You have no reason to be sorry because none of this is your fault!"

"No…it is my fault. I should…I should have known…I should have been able to tell he was…he was…not a good man…I'm…I'm a detective…and I couldn't see…I…I…" he stumbled over the words and slammed his hand against the steering wheel. "I should have known, Liv!"

"How? How could have possibly known, Elliot? You haven't seen him in years. You had no idea what kind of man he had become…you were basing everything on the good man you knew him to be," she tried to make him understand.

Snorting, he shook his head, "That's just it. I let what I knew him to be, cloud my judgment. I know better than that…I know better…never assume anything. He should have been one of the first suspects!"

"If you want to go at from this angle, then I'm just as much to blame as you are. I'm a detective, too, and I didn't see it either."

"Because you trusted me, Olivia! But I should have seen it! I should have known!"

"El, you had no way of knowing. I know the man you idolized was a good man and…" she started.

He interrupted, "No, he wasn't, Olivia! He killed someone! He murdered a young woman!"

"I don't know what happened to Finley to change him, but I know you. You are a good man, El," she put her hand on his arm that stretched to the steering wheel. "And he had to have been a good man at one time or you would never have admired him so much. Never."

"I looked up to him…he was there for me…" his voice faltered as he spoke.

"And he was good for you then. He encouraged you to join the Marines, to get a college education, to be a man. He affirmed you, Elliot, and he was what you needed at that time in your life. That he changed, became a man you can no longer emulate, is not your fault. And it's not your fault that you still saw him as the man you knew him to be. It just isn't," she explained.

"I really let him down when I backed out on the NASA opportunity. That's what he had been grooming me to do," he told her.

Her eyes traveled over his face. The pain etched there stabbed at her heart. His eyes were now closed and he rested his head on the back of the seat. "Why did you back out?" she asked quietly.

Sitting up, he looked out the window once again and sighed, "Kathy was…I don't know…by that time we had Maureen and…Kathleen was on the way…I just didn't feel like it was something I could do with a young family."

"So you made the decision that was best for your family. That's what a man does, Elliot. Finley should have understood," her eyes stayed on him.

Turning to her, his laugh dripped with sarcasm, "That's just it, Liv. I wasn't a man. I wanted to go to NASA with every fiber of my being. Kathy didn't want me to go. She didn't want to leave New York City, her family and friends. She told me if I accepted the training spot, I would go alone and she would file for divorce and I'd never see my kids. I didn't want…I couldn't…lose my kids, Liv. I just couldn't. So I took the coward's way out and stayed…went to the academy instead. I'd planned to be a cop long before I met Dick Finley so it was okay…I just put my dream of space away."

Olivia was quiet as she processed what Elliot had just revealed to her. He had given up his college hockey scholarship to find a job, marry Kathy and raise their baby. One dream down in order to be a man and take responsibility for his actions. Then later, he willingly gave up yet another dream for his kids…and her. Kathy would have left him he if followed his dreams. She was having trouble digesting the fact that he had lived with Kathy's threat of leaving him and taking the kids for much longer than she had ever known. She wondered how many times and how often Kathy Stabler had played that hand over the years to control him, to keep him in line. To keep him at home. She was suddenly filled with an intense dislike for the woman who had always been jealous of her.

"You are not and were not a coward, Elliot Stabler. That's last thing anyone could accuse you of being. It took a real man to let go of your dreams, not once but twice, and do what you had to do to preserve your family. If anyone's a hero, El, it's you," she smiled and touched his cheek with the back of her fingers.

Though he turned away quickly and wiped at his face, she did not miss the single tear that rolled down his cheek. He scrubbed at his face again and then looked back at her.

"What would I do without you, Benson?" his voice was gruff with emotion.

Calling her by her last name was his way of putting things back on a more even keel, putting distance between them and the forbidden. They were dangerously close to the feelings they had so far managed to cover for the most part and hold at bay for most of the ten years they had been partners.

"If I have my way, you'll never have to find out," she threw back at him.

"Then I hope you get your way," his grin lit up her night.

Smiling back, she playfully punched him in the shoulder, "Goodnight, El." She opened the car door and got out.

"I'll walk you in," he got out of the car, too.

"That's okay. It's late. I'll be fine," she headed for the stoop.

"Blink your lights when you get inside," he called out, leaning across the top of the car.

She stopped and grinned over her shoulder, "You just gonna sit here all night until I do?"

"Yes, I am…and you know it."

Though this was now a familiar part of their ritual, he recalled the first time he had asked her do this. During the time Richard White was stalking her their first year as partners, the first time he realized how much he cared about her.

She smiled and ran up the steps. He watched until she disappeared into the building. Minutes later, her lights blinked and he saw her wave from the living room window.

His eyes drifted from her to the full moon shining down upon the stillness of the city. The brilliance of it now reminded him not only of his dreams of the past but also of his dreams of the future. Smiling broadly, he thought of those dreams and a certain woman that dominated those dreams. Perhaps these dreams were the embodiment of sheer lunacy, perhaps he was the lunatic for holding them, but this time - this time he was going to see his dreams to fruition.

Looking back toward her window, the curtains now drawn, he whispered, "Goodnight, Liv."

~ ~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~ ~ ~