A/N: I'm in a crack-y mood right now, so…
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Sakura's Harem
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 4: Poor Zabuza! Sasuke The Long Suffering!
Disclaimer: I don't own Sakura or anybody else. If I did, this would all be canon.
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"Haku?" Zabuza asked, doing his best to move around, than sinking back into his bed as the kunoichi didn't appear. She was probably off spying on that pink-haired girl again. Thinking back on it, Zabuza really should have foreseen this eventuality. Seriously, having only him as a role-model? For everything? It was a wonder he hadn't noticed she was gay sooner…
But that was beside the point, as he really needed a drink, and the jug was too far away to reach…
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Zabuza's eyebrow twitched. "You told Gatou we quit?" he said.
Haku nodded enthusiastically, prompting Zabuza to have a serious case of 'creep out'. Haku was never that perky. "He did not wish to release us, so I was required to defend myself," Haku said. "He and most of his men are dead now."
Zabuza closed his eyes. This was that girl's fault. He just knew it…
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Sakura and Naruto stared at the kunoichi before them. "You wanna what?" Naruto said, still not sure if he'd heard it right. Sasuke was looking at the girl wide-eyed, twitching slightly. After so long, he could tell a rabid Sakura-fangirl on sight, and he was definitely looking at one that was way rabid. The twitch got worse.
Satsuki glared at the nuke-nin, seeing yet another rival for Sakura-hime's affections. Damn her!
Kakashi just listened.
"We wish to join Konoha!" Haku chirped. It was a good thing she was wearing her mask, or even Sakura would be disturbed by her wide grin. The leer that would be directed at her wouldn't help either.
Zabuza tried not to glare at the pink-haired girl corrupting his Haku. How had he been convinced to do this again? Oh yeah, the puppy-dog eyes look. Curse Haku's cuteness! Curse cuteness-multiplying techniques! "Um, yeah, what she said," he grumbled.
Sasuke nearly screamed when Kakashi said they could tag along.
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"Hey! Leave Konohamaru alone!" Sakura said as the black-wearing Sand-nin continued to pick on the little boy. Naruto was this close to jumping the guy.
Kankuro was about to sneer when something big and heavy wacked the back of his head, and he suddenly found himself on the ground as Temari began helping the little brat to his feet. "Oh, I'm so sorry about him," Temari gushed apologetically to the pink-haired girl. "Kankuro's always getting into trouble for things like this– I'm Temari, by the way. What's your name?"
Kankuro blinked, wondering how hard he'd been hit, because it almost sounded like Temari was hitting on the girl…
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Kin, Temari, Haku and a bunch of other girls there for the chuunin exam stood facing what looked like every kunoichi in Konoha.
"Fellow kunoichi," Tenten said. "You are here because you worship the goddess that is Sakura-hime! Is this so?"
"YES!" the crowd of foreign nin chorused.
"Then let us begin," Tenten said, and Suzume turned on a projector.
"This is Sasuke-teme…" Suzume began to explain.
Zabuza, who'd followed Haku and was currently hiding in the air vents, stared as the lesson continued. "That girl's got a cult worshipping her?" he said, awed. There was a pause. "Cool!"
Sasuke, who'd followed Haku out of suspicion, paled in horror from inside his air vent as the lesson continued. "Oh, kami, they want to kill me!"
Now he was sure of it: Sakura would be the death of him!
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The Hokage stared at the assembled foreign shinobi. "Would you please repeat that?" He said weakly. He could have sworn…
"We want to defect and join Konoha!"" Kin, representing everyone, said. "Also, we'd like to warn you that Orochimaru is impersonating the Kazekage and is planning to attack your village." All the Sound and Sand shinobi nodded, although the latter looked surprised at the news.
As the hokage dealt with this headache, the girls all grinned to themselves. Now, Sakura-hime would be protected…
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"NO! I absolutely refuse to return to Konoha!" Tsunade declared. There was no way she'd go back just because Sarutobi-sensei decided it was time to retire by going into a coma after Oroshimaru's failed invasion. "There is no way you can make me!"
Jiraiya frowned, while Naruto looked ready to explode. Sakura, however, leaned forward into Tsunade's field of vision, hands clasped pleadingly. "Please, I'm begging you Tsunade-sama, please come back. My boyfriend–"
"All right," Tsunade said abruptly, making Sakura pause in mid-speech and Jiraiya and Shizune to choke on what they were drinking. "When do we leave?"
Spit-takes followed.
Jiraiya never figured out what changed Tsunade's mind, although he suspected the fact that Naruto reminded her of her dead brother and the thing about Sakura's boyfriend being in trouble had to do with it. Silly man…
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Even ANBU slip up. That's why no one was watching Sakura when Sasuke decided to defect to Orochimaru.
Knocking her out was the most satisfying thing Sasuke had ever done.
He'd barely ran ten feet before he realized exactly what he'd done. "I'm… I'm free…" he breathed. "No more being her boyfriend, no more complementing her looks, her clothes, her hair, her shoes! No more being threatened by insane cultists girls, no more worrying when my psycho-sister will kill me… I'm free. I'M FREE!"
Fortunetely for him, there was no one around to hear his yell.
Sasuke wiped the happy tears from his face. "Hang on Orochimaru-sama! I'm coming!"
In his mind, "Orochimaru" firmly equaled "no more Sakura, EVER!". Power to kill Itachi wasn't anywhere near the equation…
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"All right," Tsunade said. "Sasuke has left Konoha." Cheers all around as she let herself smile slightly, before becoming serious again. "Naruto-sama and a few genin left to get him back, but I wasn't thinking too clearly then. Obviously, all possible resources must be devoted to this. So, kunoichi of Konoha, as distasteful as it may be, bring back Sasuke-teme and return Sakura-hime's happiness!"
"Hai, Hokage-sama!" the assembled kunoichi of Konoha, ranging from Academy students to jounin chorused. "For Sakura-hime's happiness!"
"Tayuya, are you sure Orochimaru will send the Sound 4?" Tsunade asked.
"Yeah. But don't worry," the ex-Sound-turned-cultist smirked. She looked back at the literal army of girls. "We can take them."
Tsunade nodded. "Good. And," she sighed, "as much as I hate to say it… bring Sasuke-teme back alive."
Everyone groaned. They'd been hoping she wouldn't say that…
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In his barrel, Sasuke felt a chill go up his spine. And it had nothing to do with the Curse Seal…
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"FINALLY, MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ASWERED!" Princess Fatora of Roshtaria cried to the heavens as she laughed, celebrating as she finally regained her spirituality. This seeming bout of insanity was totally ignored by the harem of girls around her, which consisted of Alele, Shayla-Shayla, Afura, Miz, Naname, and even Queen Diva, just to name a few.
Off to the side, Fujitaka-sensei was celebrating his good fortune at having shaken off the marriage-obsessed water-priestess, while Makoto snuggled next to Iphureeta, extremely glad she was completely unaffected by whatever had suddenly made Fatora kami's gift to women.
Rune sighed and wondered how she was going to explain this…
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- To be continued...
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A/N: What? The two are fated to be together.
I originally wanted to make some kind of Zabuza-Sasuke Alliance Against Sakura's Evil™, but Zabu didn't seem like the type.
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Omake, by Pwn Master Paladin----------------------------------------
Sasuke looked at the woman standing before him. "I am here to serve Orochimaru-Sama."
"Yes, I see that Sasuke. Unfortunately, you were too late. I had to transfer to this body before you arrived. However all is not lost. I shall train you for three years. At the end of which, I shall join my soul with your body, and you shall have all the power that you will need to kill your brother!"
Sasuke stared at Orochimaru before something clicked in his head. "Oh, right. Itachi. I actually didn't come here to gain power to stop him. I came to escape Sakura Haruno and her followers/cult."
"I...see. Very well, go with Kabuto and he will show you to your quarters." Orochimaru watched as his/her new body was lead away, before he/she turned to the window. " Sakura Haruno...?"
THREE YEARS LATER
"I am ready, Orochimaru-sama." Sasuke, his body built up after years of training, stood before his master, awaiting the gift of power he was promised.
"Very well. Kabuto, strap him to the transfer table." After Sasuke was strapped down and the transfer began, Orochimaru stared into Sasuke's eyes. "I am afraid I have not been quite honest with you Sasuke."
Unable to respond, Sasuke looked up curiously. The gag on his mouth kept any questions from being asked, but they were clear in his eyes.
"I have no intention of going after Itahci, or even destoying Konoha. I plan on going BACK, and using your body, have Sakura-Hime to myself! MWAHAHAHAHA!!"
Sasuke's eyes widened, before he began struggling against his bonds in a fearful attempt to get out. As Orochimaru finished the last seal, he could only scream out behind his gag "NO!"
Unfortunately for our dear Uchicha, Desire's curse affected ALL females, even if the soul in the female's body was male, and once afflicted, you were ALWAYS afflicted.
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END!
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For all those waiting for updates to my trinity of Harry fics (Uzumaki, Raven and Card Captor), updates have been delayed by crack mood, writer's block and college requirements.
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.