16 INTERESTING THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH PLANTS
Sliding down the hallway on the hardwood floor in your socks is sport, god damn it, Kuroo. Bokuto much preferred the art of floor sliding over Kuroo's sock-carpet static electricity trickery. And he was going to think about this disagreement for several hours as he slid back and forth down the hall in his Bowser Jr. socks.
It was pretty fun, and the mindless activity kept him occupied for longer than it should have. At least, it was fun until Daishou suddenly opened his door and collided with Bokuto.
"Ow!" Daishou fell onto the floor with Bokuto awkwardly splayed across him.
"Bad idea…" Bokuto muttered into Daishou's shoulder. He pushed himself up onto all fours and stared down at Daishou.
"What the heck was that?" Daishou asked. He did not look particularly happy about being knocked and pinned to the floor and probably wasn't one to appreciate Bokuto's art and sport of sock sliding. "And could you get off of me?"
"Ah! Sorry!" Bokuto scrambled off Daishou faster than he could scramble eggs (which was pretty fast - he'd timed himself before). He sat on his knees and Daishou picked himself up from the floor. "I was practicing."
"Practicing…?"
"Yeah! Practicing my…" he looked up and noticed Daishou's bedroom door was left open (as a result of their catastrophe), but inside his room were houseplants everywhere. Elephant ear plants stood on either side of his door, the long leaves hanging in front of the doorway like another set of doors. Cacti lined the bookshelves and flowers covered the windowsill. There were tall, tree-like plants in every possible corner, vines poured out of his closet, and he seemed to have a section of his room devoted entirely to succulents. At least three hanging plants hung from his ceiling, one of which had long ferns that extended several inches towards the floor. Every single possible surface had some sort of plant on it – including his bed, which had two bonsai trees on it.
"Whoa!"
"What?"
"You've got a JUNGLE in your room!"
"Oh, that," Daishou said flatly.
"Kuroo, you gotta see this!" Bokuto cried out.
"What is it?" Kuroo called from the living room, eating cereal by the handful out of the box like a heathen, "because if it's Daishou I've seen that far too many times."
"No, it's his room," Bokuto said, pointing excitedly.
"I swear to god if he has kinky shit in there..." Kuroo replied, rushing over to look anyways.
"It's just some plants you morons," Daishou muttered, irritated.
"Holy shit. What the actual fuck. Daishou you're probably the number one cause for rainforest death," Kuroo deadpanned, stepping into Daishou's room. Daishou scowled. "Why, though?"
Daishou shrugged. "Snake likes it."
"You've got a fucking jungle in your room. How are they not all dead?" Kuroo said from inside the room, almost invisible behind the plants.
"The power of love."
He laughed dryly, "hah, do you even have that?" Kuroo's voice was sour.
"Clearly. I've been in three loving relationships while you've been in a grand total of zero."
Kuroo ignored his remark. "But how do you expect to get laid when you have like nine plants on your bed?"
Bokuto laughed but Daishou just raised his hands and said, "hey, listen, you never know what kinky shit people are into. Now get your sad, deflated ass out of my room, I have shit to do."
Daishou ushered Kuroo out of his room and closed the door.
Kuroo blinked at the door once, twice, and then looked over at Bokuto with a serious expression on his face. "Oh my god, dude, he totally fucks the plants."
"Whoa! I can hear you!" Daishou yelled from the other side of the door.
"Ahaha! You didn't deny it!" Bokuto laughed.
"Plantfucker!" Kuroo yelled. "Daishou's a plantfucker!"
"Wait, wh–"
"Plaaaantfuckeeeer!"
"Stop calling me that, I don't fuck the plants!"
"PLANTFUCKER!"
The door swung open and before they knew it Daishou was up in their faces, infuriated. "Listen you little shits, I do not fuck the plants."
"Little shits? Grow another ten centimeters before you go around calling us little, Daishou." Kuroo grinned down at him and rested his elbow on Daishou's shoulder to emphasize the height difference.
Bokuto barked out a laugh and pointed his finger at him. "Haha yeah, Daishou, you aren't very intimidating at your height."
A very flustered Daishou shoved Kuroo off his shoulder. "At least I don't have to resort to awful hairstyles in order to make myself seem taller." The pair in front of him gasped. Before Bokuto could interrupt with complete confidence that his hair was definitely awesome, excuse you Daishou, Daishou quickly regained his cool and said, "I do not have sex with my houseplants, you barbarians. Besides, I think we all know who the kinkiest person in this apartment is." He looked pointedly at Kuroo.
Kuroo gasped. "Me? Sinning? In my good Christian household? I'll have you know I've never participated in a sexual or self-satisfying act in my life."
"Sure," Daishou and Bokuto scoffed at the same time.
"Believe what you want, but it's true. Now I expected that response from Daishou, but Bokuto, my friend," he exclaimed dramatically, "you've betrayed me."
"Anyways," Daishou twisted his way out of the conversation and backed in towards his doorway, "I have serious business to attend to, so I can't let you two distract me any longer."
"Oho, serious business, huh?" Bokuto teased.
"Do not-"
Kuroo leaned towards Daishou, smirking, "Plantfucker," he whispered. The glee he got from Daishou's pained expression couldn't compete with anything at the moment.
"This is going to become a thing isn't it?" Daishou asked, defeated.
It did indeed become a thing.
Daishou woke up the next morning and found a drawing of a plant and something he liked to think of as a cactus (it was most definitely not a cactus) taped to his door. Whenever he passed Bokuto in the kitchen he would yell 'plantfucker' at the top of his lungs, and Kuroo from wherever he was in the apartment would yell it back.
And for god's sake he couldn't even "discreetly" watch a movie from behind Kuroo and Bokuto. Every single time a plant came on-screen it was the same thing.
"Look Daishou it's your new boyfriend," Bokuto said.
"If anything it's his 301st, as you can see he is already in a dedicated and loving relationship with 300 other plants," Kuroo snickered.
"Daishou, how could you?" Bokuto asked, completely serious, "Margaret and her brothers and sisters thought you loved them."
Daishou sighed, incredibly exhausted of this shit. "If you're implying that I would date siblings at the same time, that's just gross and wrong."
"And fucking plants isn't?" Kuroo raised an eyebrow.
Daishou's had Enough™. It was time to strike back.
A couple of days later, as Daishou leaned over the counter to grab a banana, Kuroo walked into the kitchen drinking coffee out of one of his 67 coffee mugs that filled the entirety of the kitchen cupboard. This one had some dumb-ass hashtag on it and made him look like a white mom trying too hard to be hip and pronounced memes wrong as a joke.
"Now Daishou, it may be tempting, but please don't fuck the fruit," Kuroo smirked and took a long swig of his coffee.
"Whatever you say, daddy," Daishou snapped back. Kuroo immediately flushed blood orange and started choking. Daishou grinned and strolled off into his plant filled bedroom while Kuroo wheezed on the floor. At long last he had something he could use.
The next time plantfucker was shouted at him he shouted daddy kink right back and thank god it seemed to have the same effect it had the first time.
Daishou miraculously still had Kuroo's number and proceded to kinkshame him daily. More than once using the phrase 'u filthy little man'. Kuroo, unfortunately did not let this go unnoticed. While Daishou went on rants about the perils of daddy kinks like he was a priest giving a sermon, Kuroo sent him multiple pictures of succulents and cactuses saying things like, 'succ-ulents' and 'u like this kind of prick rite?' which only made Daishou kinkshame him further.
The only problem in this war was Bokuto. He seemed to be utterly kinkless, and any insult or innuendo thrown at him just went right over his head. He provided Kuroo the upper hand which pissed Daishou off to a ridiculous extent. Daishou decided he needed to win this war at any cost, so he tried to persuade Bokuto over to his side.
"So," Daishou said, "you and I both know Kuroo has a daddy kink. I mean it's obvious."
Bokuto simply laughed and replied, "Sorry, no fraternizing with the enemy."
"Am I really the enemy? Or is the real enemy the disgusting sinner living in our own home?" Daishou asked, slinging his arm around Bokuto's shoulder – an act probably meant to be friendly but it was really more along the lines of 'creepy guy hitting on you at a bar'. Bokuto seemed to think the same thing and looked at Daishou's hand as though it was an unwanted picture of a limp dick rather than a seemingly normal appendage.
"You're one to talk, plantfucker," Bokuto responded, quickly ducking under Daishou's arm and escaping. Daishou scowled.
"You probably have a foot fetish anyways," he yelled at Bokuto's back. Bokuto just laughed.
Goddamn, he really is unkinkshamable.
Daishou turned to go back to his plant-filled room when he saw the bitch jar sitting on the table. A lightbulb went off in his head.
Kuroo was just trying to eat his cereal in peace but no, god hated him fucking Daishou had to join him for what was otherwise a calm morning. And of course Daishou had to be grinning like the fool he was, unnerving Kuroo while he tried to eat his motherfucking Cheerios.
Finally he snapped. "What is it?"
"I have a present for you," Daishou said, shit-eating grin spreading as Kuroo sputtered pathetically. Daishou placed a perfectly wrapped present in front of Kuroo, then stood up and left for his room.
Kuroo glared at the present and whispered 'motherfucker' to himself. He tried to ignore the presence of the gift for a few agonizing minutes, but curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction definitely did not bring him back.
Inside was a mug that said '#1 Daddy' in gigantic font across it.
Kuroo screamed.
The next day, Daishou opened his door, still in a good mood from his genius scheme, when he saw a little cactus stationed outside his door. It was actually kind of cute but it was ruined by the card underneath it:
Dear plantfucker,
I wouldn't with this one if I were you, it'd hurt.
Love,
your daddy ;)
Daishou inhaled deeply, closing his eyes and restraining himself from losing his shit. He glared at Kuroo's door and vowed to end this in blood. He picked up the plant and brought it inside his room to water it.
The following night started out fairly normal, for Bokuto and Kuroo, at least. They had somehow gotten ahold of (as in, Bokuto had illegally downloaded) all the episodes of Cory In The House with Japanese subtitles and were now marathoning it on the couch while Daishou watched from behind them in the hall. Unfortunately, Kuroo noticed him.
"Hey there, plantfucker," he greeted snidely.
"Daddy kink," Daishou snapped at him.
Kuroo inhaled and placed his palms together, "Boi, for the last time, I do not have a daddy kink."
"For the last time, I do not fuck the plants."
"How do you water them then? Hm? Hmm?"
Daishou went to shove Kuroo jokingly, but he misjudged and tripped over the low coffee table, then fell directly on top of Kuroo. He struggled for a few minutes, gradually growing redder as Kuroo laughed. Daishou slipped and suddenly his face was inches away from Kuroo's.
"Should we kiss to make it less awkward?" Kuroo blurted out.
"No? What the fuck?"
"I was kidding, asshole," Kuroo shoved Daishou off of him.
Then the weirdest thing happened. Daishou plopped down in front of the couch and watched TV with them, openly and in view for the first time since they moved in together. They made jokes and laughed until 2 in the morning. Then Daishou insisted they watch Shrek. When All Star started playing they all sang it together, and when the movie finished they all passed out where the were sitting.
The next morning, Kuroo was drinking coffee out of his #1 Daddy mug and Daishou was filling up a watering can.
For the first time in five years, they shared a genuine smile.