Author's Note: ANGST! Tons of it!
Thanks to my dear friend for helping me with this story!

No Chains Holding Me
Chapter 4: Hard To Understand

"You're sure you're going to be alright?" Gibbs was hovering in the doorway of the en suite bathroom in Tony's hospital room. The nurse had given Tony permission to take a shower, but told him to be careful and leave the door open.

Tony refused to remove any clothes until Gibbs had gone. "I-I'm ok," he said shakily. "J-just dirty. Need to wash off. I'll…I'll call you if I need help," he said softly. Both of them knew he wouldn't call.

Gibbs looked at him uncertainly, but finally nodded and turned away. Tony let out a huge sigh of relief and wished that he could close the door. But one of the conditions for him taking this unaided impromptu shower in the middle of the night was he would leave the door open so he could be heard if he fell or needed help.

Tony turned on the water and looked around helplessly. He felt so overwhelmed. He didn't even know where to begin to put the pieces back together. The shower, he hoped, would help. Tony reached his hand under the faucet and grimaced. The water was not hot enough. He turned it up more, sticking his hand back under it. Finally it felt nice and hot—almost too hot. He threw a towel over the shower curtain bar and glanced quickly over his shoulder, making sure there was no one watching him. Then he quickly shucked off his hospital gown and all but leapt into the shower.

He hissed when the stinging hot water made unpleasant contact with his skin. Tony backed up under the spray and nearly groaned in relief. He breathed in and could smell the steam, and relished the fact that it took away the musty stink of the cabin. He could feel the smooth hot water burning slightly on his skin and it took away the feel of the men's touches. He could feel the shower curtain brushing against his arm when he moved around, and it gave him boundaries, instead of being stuck on that endless plane of mattress that seemed to hold him captive and subjected to humiliation no matter which way he turned or twisted.

Tony leaned his head back and closed his eyes. The water washed over him and for just…a…moment…it seemed like things might be ok. He soaped up the washcloth, and began to scrub…

xxx

Gibbs paced nervously and glanced up at the clock. Tony took notoriously long showers normally, but this one was beginning to run long, even for Tony. It was now approaching 3am…it had taken some time to get Tony into the shower in the first place because they'd had to all but beg the nurse for permission to take the damn shower in the first place. But now…

Gibbs knew that his partner needed some privacy. He needed the opportunity to wash off the case and to relax a bit under the spray. They all did it, but this case was leaving a particularly bad taste in everyone's mouth. The Senior Agent in him said that his partner was just losing himself in the shower, relaxing, and had lost track of time. The lover in him said that something was wrong and he needed to check on Tony.

The silver haired man paced another lap around the room, and then let out a long breath and headed for the bathroom.

"Tony?"

There was no answer. Gibbs' gut churned and he leaned against the bathroom's doorway. He frowned at the amount of steam coming out of the shower.

"Hey! DiNozzo! You in there?"

When Tony didn't answer again, Gibbs took a tentative step inside the bathroom. He knew his lover was upset. Knew this whole damn fucked up case had done a number on him—how could it not? But now it was over, and Gibbs just wanted to take care of his boy. His lover had been traumatized and abused, and now Gibbs was in full protective mode—ready to kill anyone who hurt his partner again. He supposed Ducky was right—Gibbs was a bit like a bear with a sore paw when it came to Tony.

But Tony was different. Tony was special and unlike all of his ex-wives.

Tony reminded Jethro of Shannon in many ways. He'd stand up to Gibbs and argue with him, fight and not back down. He was stubborn as hell, but beautiful and oh so sexy. Shannon had been all of those things, but in different ways than Tony was. That was what made this relationship so wonderful. And now Gibbs just wanted to help his partner. Wanted to make it better.

He pulled back the curtain.

Tony had his back to Jethro, face in the water, the rough hospital issued washcloth was scrubbing furiously at his very pink skin.

"Tony? Babe are you ok?"

Tony all be levitated. Where had Jethro come from?

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT OF HERE! GO AWAY!" Tony was yelling before he could stop himself, humiliated at being caught, and ashamed that he'd been snuck up on so easily. What was Gibbs thinking? He didn't need to see Tony like this! He was so…so broken…so scattered…so…so dirty.

Tony dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around his waist and curling in on himself. Gibbs was astonished at how small Tony managed to make himself in the tub. Sobs overtook him suddenly and Tony gasped for air as the pent up emotion struggled to erupt from him in a sudden release.

Jethro realized he may be taking his life (or his relationship) into his hands here, but he had to do something. He carefully turned off the water, making sure to keep himself where Tony could see him. Then he pulled the curtain back and grabbed the towel Tony had put across the bar. He carefully wrapped it around his lover's shoulders, and knelt on his knees beside the tub.

"Tony…" he reached out to touch Tony's hair but Tony flinched away.

"GO AWAY! GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I ASK YOU TO DO ONE MEASLEY LITTLE FRIGGIN THING AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO IT? ARE YOU STUPID? LEAVE ME ALONE!" Tony unleashed his full temper and fury out on his partner, gasping and heaving for breath, his body still wracked by sobs.

Jethro didn't listen, and for the first time since their relationship began, he didn't stop when Tony told him to. He carefully reached out and wrapped an arm across Tony's chest and lifted him up. Tony heaved a gut wrenching sob just as he sat up and it nearly broke Jethro's heart to watch it. But he had to do it—he had to watch it. He had to bear his lover's pain because he hadn't been there to protect him in the first place. This was his fault.

Gibbs pulled Tony close and Tony resisted weakly, still sobbing, shaking his head pitifully, but Gibbs held on. "You need to get out of the tub before you catch a cold," he said softly, running a hand over Tony's hair.

"You need to leave me the fuck alone," Tony snarled, pulling away from the loving embrace. "I don't want your help. I don't need you! Don't you see that? How can you want me? How can you want to help me? I'm dirty! They ruined me Jethro! Leave me alone! You can't want me…not like this…just go away…"

Gibbs hooked an arm under Tony's elbow and together they stood up. Gibbs supported his lover as he stepped shakily from the tub, and for a moment Gibbs was worried Tony might fall.

"Go away," Tony moaned. Tears streamed down his face and he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Please God just leave me alone," he whispered. He was so damn tired.

"Let me help you back to bed," Gibbs said softly, "and then I'll leave."

Gibbs quickly and efficiently got Tony's hospital gown back on him and he noticed how pink Tony's skin was. "Got that water pretty hot Tony. You nearly scalded yourself."

"Had to wash it off…dirty…had to get them off of me," Tony whispered, almost to himself.

Gibbs carefully helped Tony back to the bed and pulled back the covers. The nurse had brought them a heating pad for Tony's aching back. He turned it on and adjusted it carefully then handed it to Tony.

"I'm gonna give you some time," he said softly. Tony pulled the covers up higher and didn't respond.

Gibbs turned to the door, and sadly made his way into the hallway.

xxx

Gibbs sipped the stale, colored water that was supposed to resemble coffee from the cafeteria and grimaced. It was horrible. He paid the cashier for the coffee and a bottle of slightly cooled ginger ale—they didn't have any cold, but Gibbs thought it would help settle Tony's stomach. He thanked her, and headed back upstairs. For a moment he considered calling Ducky to see what he should do, but Gibbs was no idiot. He knew exactly what his friend would tell him to do. Get Tony talking. That was the next thing that needed to happen.

Gibbs took the long way back to Tony's room, strolling idly down the long halls, trying to give Tony as much time to himself as he needed. He glanced at a clock as he walked past and saw that he'd been gone nearly fifteen minutes.

He wrapped his fingers around his cell phone and for a brief moment again considered calling Ducky, but the old man was asleep, as he should be, and taking care of his mother, as he should be. Jethro let go of the phone and let out a long breath. He'd have to suck it up and learn to verbally communicate himself.

He had to be there for Tony. Had to support him. Tony didn't seem able to do it for himself.

xxx

Tony felt the muscles in his back start to relax, even as his skin heated up to an almost uncomfortable level. The heating pad had reduced settings on it, so that it couldn't technically burn you…but Tony's skin had already been slightly scalded and tender when he'd gotten the heating pad in the first place. He hissed as he moved and his sore body made its presence known.

He glanced nervously at the door, wondering where Jethro had gone to. Way to go dumbass, he thought to himself. You snarled and growled and yelled and cussed…he probably left your sorry self and has gone home to go to bed. Part of Tony wished that Gibbs would go home and go to bed. They were all exhausted after this last case. It had been difficult for all of them. But Tony knew Gibbs didn't sleep whenever he was undercover—just as he didn't sleep if Gibbs was undercover.

As he lay in the semi-dark room, the monitors happily bleeping and chirping, letting the whole hospital know that he was, in fact, still alive—at least physically. His heart was beating and his lungs were taking in air, but Tony wasn't sure he hadn't lost his spirit. He felt so tired. So emotionally drained. So damn scared. He wanted Jethro to come back—to tell him again that it would all be alright, and that he would protect Tony and keep him safe. Empty words to be sure, because there was no way a wonderful man like Jethro was gonna stay with a fucked up mess like Tony for very long.

The door creaked open and Tony looked up hopefully, only to drop back slightly when he saw that it was the nurse coming in and not his partner.

"Are you feeling better after your shower, Mr. DiNozzo?"

"It's Tony," he said softly. "And I kinda feel like I need another shower, but I think I'm too tired to try," he said tiredly.

The nurse looked slightly confused, but didn't comment. "Why don't you get some sleep," she suggested softly. "I'm sure you'll feel better when you wake up."

"Bet not," Tony snapped. "Can you please just go away," he grumped.

He heard the nurse make her quiet exit and a moment later the door opened again. "For the love of Christ," Tony snapped sitting up to face whoever was coming in.

Jethro stopped in the doorway, cup and bottle in hand, a shocked and hurt expression on his face. "I um…" he looked down, "I'll go…if you want," he said softly. "I just thought…maybe…"

"No! No please…uh…don't leave," Tony said lamely, reclining back on his side. Jethro watched him for a long, careful minute, then nodded and shut the door behind him. He crossed the room slowly and held out the bottle of soda as he sat down.

"Picked that up for you," Jethro said softly, awkwardly. "Thought maybe you'd be thirsty."

Tony nodded. "Thanks," he said softly. "I uh…Jet I'm…about earlier…"

"I didn't mean to scare you," Gibbs said softly, staring into his coffee cup. "I wouldn't ever do that on purpose. But I got worried when I called for you and you didn't answer. I think maybe you couldn't hear me with the water running."

"I didn't hear anything," Tony said softly. He twisted the bottle of ginger ale open and set the cap down on the rollaway table. It was warmer than Tony liked his soda to be, but he wasn't going to complain. Jethro noticed Tony's stiff movements—stiffer than they'd been before the shower.

"Did the water burn you," Jethro asked softly.

Tony looked shocked for a moment. "How did you…" he sighed. "Maybe," he said softly. "Yes," he admitted. "It just felt like…I dunno like I couldn't get it hot enough."

"How hot did it need to be Tony?" Gibbs kept his voice soft, unaccusing. He was curious—he wanted to know what was going on inside of Tony's head—he wanted to know because he wanted to help, and he couldn't help if Tony wouldn't talk to him.

Tony shrugged slowly. "Needed to be hot enough to wash it off," he said.

Jethro was slightly confused. He hadn't seen anything on Tony. "Wash what off honey?"

Tony took a sip of his soda and thought for a moment. Then he suddenly threw up, gagging and retching horribly, all over the bed…

Flashback

"C'mon man, what are you, some kinda pussy? It's just whiskey. What kinda man don't drink whiskey?" Lane sneered at Tony.

They hadn't been there long…Tony was still soaked to the skin, thanks to his dunk in the river. He needed to get some dry clothes on before he froze or caught his death.

"Cold Tony?" Jeffrey suddenly appeared at his side. He snatched the bottle from Lane and took a sip. Well…it looked like he took a sip… "Ahhhhh, this'll warm ya right up buddy," Jeffrey said, his voice smooth as silk.

Tony smiled nervously and nodded. "Um…ok," he said, accepting the bottle. He turned it up and grimaced at the lukewarm temperature of the alcohol. He swallowed down a sip of it, and winced when it burned all the way to his gut. There was something about it though…something tasted funny…

"Drink more," Jeffrey encouraged, shoving the bottle back to his lips. "Really, we don't mind sharing, do we Lane?"

Lane offered a smile then—a smile like a shark and he shook his head. "Don't mind at all," he said. "I'm sure you'll return the favor somehow…"

Jeffrey mumbled something about going to find Tony some dry clothes. "You just keep drinking that whiskey—I'm gonna check the bottle when I come back—you better have drank some! It'll warm you up!"

Tony sat on the bed and sipped more whiskey as Lane watched him closely. The drink was bitter and burned his throat, and he tried to pass it back to Lane. "Here," He said, surprised by the slur in his voice already. "You drrrrrink it," he said softly.

A few minutes later, the bottle slipped from his listless fingers and dropped harmlessly to the floor. Tony nearly toppled off the bed, leaning forward after it. "Ohhhh," he said, reaching for it.

Suddenly he was hauled backwards on the bed. Jeffrey smiled over him as he climbed up to straddle his hips. "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah about that returning the favor for us sharing the whiskey," Jeffrey drawled. "We're gonna go ahead and collect. But don't you worry your pretty little head about a thing…in fact…why don't you have some more of this," he poured more whiskey into Tony's mouth, chuckling when he choked slightly on it, "You know body heat is another way to warm up right?"

End Flashback.

Tony gasped and heaved and Jethro grabbed the nearest thing he could find—the dishpan for dirty washcloths and towels—and shoved it under Tony's face. Tony retched and heaved, expelling everything he had in his stomach to the bowl.

Jethro reached around and rubbed Tony's back gently. "Easy Tony," he murmured softly. "Keep breathing, just try and relax. We can talk it out, shhhh it's ok."

Finally the horrible retching stopped and Tony leaned heavily against Jethro's side. Jethro moved to support him more, and gently eased him back on the bed. He tossed the heating pad away, knowing that sometimes when people get nauseous, heat makes it worse. He quickly poured a cup of water from the pitcher and raised it to Tony's lips.

"Easy babe, easy…just water…cold water too…shhhh…it's ok let me help you…I know it's hard…please let me take care of you," Gibbs pleaded softly.

Tony let Gibbs help him drink, but he was so exhausted he could barely manage it, even with help. His head was splitting and he didn't even want to think about what he would see if he closed his eyes. His fingers were uncoordinated as they reached clumsily for the cup, fumbling with it and nearly sobbing in frustration.

"Just rest," Gibbs said softly. "I'm right here, and I have got your six, and I am not leaving you. I'm right here." He ran his fingers softly through Tony's hair.

"Why are you doing this?" Tony croaked hoarsely.

"Why am I doing what?" Gibbs was confused.

"Why are you being so nice to me," Tony whispered brokenly. "Why are you still here?"

Gibbs cupped Tony's face in his hands and looked at him. Looked right into his eyes. "I'm here because I love you," he said. He kissed Tony's cheek, and Tony flinched and squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm here because I love you," he whispered again.

How could that be though? How could Gibbs still love him? A thought occurred to Tony…of course! Gibbs didn't realize what had happened yet! Oh God, but that meant that Tony would have to tell him…and then Gibbs would leave…maybe he was here because he felt like he had to be? Yes, yes that made more sense—Gibbs actually wanted to leave—he would prefer to be at home in bed, but out of some twisted sense of obligation, Jethro felt like he needed to stay with Tony—he needed to assuage his own guilt!

"Go away," Tony whispered. Tears filled his eyes as this realization cemented itself in his mind. Gibbs was only there because he felt guilty—he felt obligated. Well Tony was no one's obligation. He wouldn't be indebted to Gibbs over this. "Please," Tony whispered, shoving weakly at Gibbs. "Just leave me alone. It's better this way."

"How the hell do ya figure that DiNozzo?" Gibbs retorted. "I love you ya idiot! I want to stay with you and make sure you're alright because I love you. That so hard to understand?"

Tony looked at him like he'd grown another head. "Yes," he said softly. "Yes it's damn hard for me to understand. I don't understand why you're staying here with me—why you'd want to stay here with me—I'm dirty Jethro. The things they did to me…they ruined me…and I don't need you here trying to make yourself feel less guilty. That's not going to help me!"

"Tony you aren't making any sense! I just…dammit why won't you talk to me about this?"

"Because I feel bad ok? Because I hate myself for what happened! It's my damn fault! I…" Tony broke off in harsh sobs again. Damn these tears…this emotional roller coaster was going to kill him. He struggled to push Gibbs away, even as the man wrapped him in the warmest, safest, most comfortable embrace he'd ever known…

"Stop it," Tony whispered harshly, as he collapsed against Gibbs' chest, fully enveloped in the embrace. "Please…stop being so nice to me," he moaned.

"I love you though," Gibbs said, kissing the top of Tony's head. "And you've been through something horrible. Of course I'm going to be nice to you."

"You'll hate me," Tony whispered. He was so tired. He swore he could go to sleep right there, leaned against Jethro's chest. He'd done it before—many times. But not under these circumstances. This was different. Now everything was changed. "I didn't mean to," Tony moaned softly, more tears sliding pitifully down his face. "God help me I didn't mean for it to happen."

Gibbs blinked. "Tony I could never blame you for being raped, Sweetheart," he said, trying to reassure his partner. "I don't blame you at all honey. It wasn't your fault."

Tony buried his face against Jethro's shoulder, knowing that in just seconds he'd be forced away and never allowed back into the safety of the older man's arms. He relished it for just a moment. "Is my fault," he insisted. "Should have done something. Should have stopped it."

"Tony…Tony listen. You were drugged. You couldn't have stopped what they did to you. This is not your fault."

"I couldn't have stopped what they did," Tony said softly. "But I could have stopped what I did." He looked up at Gibbs, his heart shattering into a million pieces.

"What did you do Tony? Tell me what you're so upset about?"

Tony closed his eyes, and several tears trekked down his face. "I um…I…when they…" he huffed out a frustrated breath. "I'm not sure I can tell you," he whispered.

TBC…