Ambivalence

am-biv-a-lence

noun

- the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone

My eyes blinked, straining slightly as everything was suddenly bright. I realized there was some sort of magic lighting the sky, making the snowy ground glisten and glitter. I was nearly surrounded by tall trees, wall to wall on either side of the path.

I looked around in awe, my boots packing down snow as I carefully padded forward.

My curiosity didn't last, as the cold began to seep in despite my layers. I was soon trekking across the path as quickly as I could without actually running, knowing I would lose my breath way too quickly if I sprinted. From what Toriel had said, Snowdin actually sounded like it was a decently far walk away.

I hopped over a large stick across the path, giving the sled a tug when it got stuck. It shook free, sliding over the branch and I walked forward a few more feet.

crack

Spinning on my heel, my eyes widened when I saw the branch shattered into small pieces. Somehow, it'd been completely smashed. There was no way my sled did it, because the noise had happened after I'd pulled the sled free.

I shook, but I couldn't tell if it was from the cold or not anymore. I felt like I was being watched, a slow tingle crawling up the back of my neck.

My pace was a little quicker as I came down the path, and blinked with confusion as I saw some sort of wooden structure up ahead. It was a wooden bridge, stretching over a few foot long hole that seemed to drop down into pitch black nothingness. Over it, there was a comically large looking set of of wooden bars.

Just as my boot hit the first plank, I heard something behind me.

Freezing, I felt a bolt of fear shoot down my spine. Someone was walking up, from directly behind me. The snow was crunching beneath their shoes, a noise the was amplified by the noiseless ambiance of the snow. Somehow, on this linear path, someone had appeared behind me and was now walking up, slowly and calmly.

My breath quickened, heart drumming in my ears as I listened to their footsteps getting closer and closer. Was it Flowey? Had he somehow grown stupid flower legs and decided to come after me for smart-mouthing him?

I flinched as the person began to speak, his footsteps stopping right behind me.

"Don't you know how to greet a new pal? Turn around and shake my hand," the voice was impossibly deep, and sent shivers running up and down across my back.

Sucking in a deep breath, I felt the cold air hit my lungs, and I slowly began to turn around, making sure my hood was well tucked over my head. I was staring at the ground, at the feet of the person standing in front of me.

They cleared their throat, and a gloved hand was thrust into my view.

I winced at the sudden movement, but I moved my sleeved hand out to grab their hand and -

pphhhhfffbbbttt

"What?!" I jumped back in shock, as a loud series of chuckles came from the person in front of me.

My eyes widened, taking in the sight of the grinning skeleton laughing in front of me, the lights within his eyes sockets dancing jovially. He was my height, and seemed a little.. fluffy, for a skeleton. He wore a large blue wintercoat, but only wore a pair of basket ball shorts that hung down halfway down his calves, showing the bone there before it disappeared into his shoes.

"Heheheh... the old whoopee cushion in the hand trick," he chuckled, clearly proud as he pulled off his mittens and revealed the whoopee cushion he'd hidden inside next to his palm. "It's always funny."

I huffed, unable to stop myself. "You scared me!"

"Heh, sorry, stranger," he shrugged. "Anyways, you're new around here, right? Must be from Hotland or Waterfall. I've never seen ya around before."

"Uhh... yeah," I agreed lamely, shuffling as I realized my cover hadn't been blown just yet. If I could keep my hood up, I might just be able to make it.

"I'm Sans," he introduced. "Sans the skeleton."

"I'm... Nora," I said weakly, unable to think of anything clever to try and add to disguise how utterly human the name was.

"I'm actually supposed to be on the lookout for humans right now," he admitted to me, and I tried not to stiffen up. "But, ya know... I don't really care about capturing anybody, You also looked a little lost."

"I'm not lost," I protested, but I perked up at hearing he didn't want to catch humans.

"Oh, yeah?" he grinned. "You know the way to Snowdin, eh? Lead the way, then. I'm ready to get some grub at Grillbys."

My eye twitched a little, and I could hear him chuckling quietly as I turned back on my heel and simply walked through the large wooden bars, sled clattering against the bridge behind me.

"Where'd you get this thing?" I heard him question, and I frowned with the realization the he literally was going to follow me all the way to Snowdin.

"I made it," I quipped, shoving my hands into my pockets with a small puff of hot air.

"Made it, huh? Impressive," he complimented, and he actually sounded pretty genuine.

I opened my mouth to reply, but it died off in my throat as, in the distance, I spotted another skeleton marching towards us furiously. This one, however, was tall and thin, with a large plate of armor over his chest, and had very tall, fair bone structure.

"Oh, it's my bro," Sans said simply, as we both halted in our tracks.

At the pace he was approaching, I was afraid that the other skeleton knew I wasn't a monster. But, I was wrong, as he practically blew by me. I swiftly tugged my sled to me, out of his foot range as he stopped in front of Sans with a huff.

"Sup?" Sans asked, grinning.

The taller skeleton stomped a foot. "You know what's 'sup', brother! You haven't been recalibrating your puzzles! You just hang around outside your station. What are you even doing?!"

"Following my new friend," he shrugged.

FRIEND?!

"Friend?!" the taller skeleton swung around, mimicking my mental cry perfectly, and I jumped as his gaze landed on me. "Oh! Sorry, I did not even realize you were standing there!"

Dude. You passed me to get to your brother!

"I.. uh, it's okay?" I said, more like a question towards the end of it. "Just trying to get to Snowdin."

His face brightened, and I blinked rapidly as he struck a heroic pose before my eyes. "Aaah! Do you need assistance, little monster?! I, the Great Papyrus, can ensure you make it there safely!"

"...is this real life?" I whispered quietly to myself, subtly pinching myself to see if it hurt. "Owe!"

"Oh, now why did you do that?" the tall skeleton, whom I now knew was named Papyrus, asked worriedly.

I shook my hands rapidly. "N-nothing!"

Turning on my heels, I started to try and walk away. My sled, however, stopped suddenly, and I was jerked back with a loud gasp, twisting slightly on my ankle before falling down into the snow. I instantly clutched my hood, making sure it didn't come down.

"OHNO! I'm so sorry!" Papyrus shouted, reaching down and picking my up like a rag doll. "MY BOOT WAS CAUGHT ON YOUR ROPE!"

I yelped as he held me high in the air, my legs dangling uselessly. "I-it's fine! Please put me down!"

He set me down, but quickly lifted my back up when I let out a gasp of pain, the ankle I'd twisted instantly beginning smart the second I'd put my weight on it. He instantly looked guilty, letting out a soft noise sounding suspiciously like a "nyeh-heh-heh" kind of laughter.

"Oh!" he gasped, and I gave a small cry as he cradled his other arm under my legs, and then set me down on top of the sled.

I blinked up at him and Sans, who was snickering quietly to himself through this whole ordeal. "U-uhmm..."

"I shall pull you on this wonderfully crafted sled!" Papyrus shouted, laughing triumphantly and holding his gloved hand out for the rope.

I don't have time for this... but now, my ankle's hurting. If I can't walk on it, it'll take me even longer to hobble there and back.

"Sure..." I said weakly, untying the end of the rope from my wrist and handing it over. "I guess, thank you. I appreciate it..."

For a while, Papyrus pulled me along in the snow easily, chattering something about the Royal guard and his friend, some lady whose name started with a "U". Sans, however, walked behind us lazily, hands in his pockets as he just kept up pace with the dragging sled.

"What were you doing all the way out here, little monster?" Papyrus asked suddenly, from over his shoulder. "Do you not know that humans can potentially come this way?!"

"I... live out this way," I skirted around, looking to the side wearily. "My f-... My mom is sick, very sick. I was on my way to Snowdin to try and see if I could find her some medicine."

Papyrus turned around with a sad gasp as he stopped dead in his tracks. "Then we are on the clock! You must make it back to her soon, yes?!"

I nodded wearily, and I flinched as I felt Sans sit down on the sled behind me. Heat rose to my face as his legs and arms trapped me in, sitting securely behind me on the sled, and a warm breath hit the side of my face as he whispered.

"Hang on tight, kid."

My hands instantly went to the sides of the sled, watching with a wide-eyed stare as Papyrus laughed triumphantly to himself, tying the roped around his chest tightly and knotting it a few times. I had a slight realization as to what was going to happen, and felt myself tense.

"Hope you made this thing sturdy, kid," Sans commented offhandedly. "We wood-n't wanna crash now."

I blinked stupidly, before a giggle escaped me as I caught on that he was joking with me.

"SANS! No puns, it'll distract me!" Papyrus stretched unnessicarily, before flipping his red scarf away from his front and bracing his legs.

"Oh-"

fuck

He took off a like a shot and I screamed, I couldn't help it. I don't know how he was actually running that damn fast, but snow was flying on either side of us and everything was passing by in nearly a blur.

Sans chuckled at my reaction, leaning his head on my shoulder and gripping the sled with his skeletal hands.

I had no idea how we weren't flying off, until I felt a slightly familiar hot pulse coming from the sled. I glanced down and noticed a very, very subtle blue light glowing around the sled. One of them was using magic to keep us stuck to the surface of the sled, and nearly imperceptiably, too.

How am I able to feel their magic like this? Humans don't have magic. Or, shouldn't.

Papyrus was laughing loudly and triumphantly, and I got a small glance of a couple seriously confused dogs in robes watching as we went flying by. They shared a glance and gave shrugs, looking back towards the way we came.

Laughter bubbled out of me without my permission, and I laughed loudly as everything whirled around and gave me a large rush of adrenaline

I couldn't help noticing how Papyrus weaved us by several puzzles and traps, and I realized just long it would've taken me to get to Snowdin without their help. I was still mulling over it as we came over the top of the mountain, a sleepy looking town nestled down the path and completely covered in snow.

Just as we were coming up on it, I heard a not-so-good noise.

My head snapped up, and I felt my eyes widen as I spied the roped tied around Papyrus' waist beginning to fray at a weak point, coming unraveled rapidly before my eyes.

"Papyrus-"

"Bro-"

Before Sans or I could even get a warning out, the rope gave a loud whipping noise as it snapped, and Papyrus stopped in confusion, no longer feeling our weight pulling behind him. His eyes bulged rather comically, however, as we literally swept his legs out from under him, causing him to land completely over the top of us both, and continue sailing down the sloped path.

I closed my eyes, trying to pretend I wasn't about to die in a completely ridiculous and stupid fashion.

At least I'm going to die having fun.

But I felt the sled jerk, almost like someone had pulled a break, and I cracked an eye open just in time to witness us come to rather comically slow, skidding halt in front of the Snowdin sign. I was tingling again from a fresh pulse of magic, and I realized whichever one of them had been keeping us on the sled had now pulled us into a stop.

"Ny-nyeh... heh," Papyrus's eyes were rolling around dizzily. "I did say I'd get us there fast, did I not?"

I face planted into the snow, arms spread out wide as I hugged the unmoving ground beneath me.

Sans chuckled. "Yeah, bro, yeah you did. Nice sled, kid. I almost expected it to break on us."

I gave him a thumbs up, before lifting my head out of the snow and wiping my face with my sleeves. I was careful not to mess up my hood or accidentally knock my hair loose. "Christ on a stick... that was fantastic!"

Laughing, I stood carefully, making sure to be mindful of my ankle, and held a hand out to Papyrus. He looked a little stunned, but reached up to take my hand. I helped him to his feet, grunting slightly at how heavy he was for a skeleton.

"Snowdin's store is just there, connected to the Inn!" Papyrus said proudly, making a grand gesture towards the store entrance.

I smiled softly, touched by just how helpful these two had actually been. Despite fearing them at first, I was glad I'd met them. "Thanks, I appreciate the help getting here."

"Of course, tiny one!" Papyrus flexed his nonexistent arm muscles, and I felt a small twinge of guilt.

Technically, I'd deceived them, by not telling them what I really was. I knew I was just trying to keep myself safe, like Toriel would've wanted, but it felt wrong of me to continue lying to them after they'd been so kind to me.

I kept my head high, though, as I took my frayed rope back from Papyrus and drug the sled to the entrance of the store, leaving it near the door as I carefully walked inside. A large rabbit-woman stood behind the counter, and gave me a welcoming wave and smile. "Hello! Can I help you find anything?"

"Uh, y-yes, actually," I limped over to her carefully. "I was looking for some kind of medicine. My mother is extremely sick with a fever."

She tutted, her ears drooping sadly. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! We do have some cold medicine though, in the back. Let me go grab some for you, okay?"

I nodded sheepishly, watching as she disappeared behind a curtain and into the back room. I felt a little exposed standing in the middle of her shop, hands in my pockets as I carefully shifted my weight to one side, trying to ease off my twisted ankle.

The bunny woman came back, a glass bottle filled to the brim with a thick, purple-y liquid in her hand. She set it on the counter, and waited patiently for me to pat myself down for my money. "That'll be fifty gold, lovely."

My money.

I flushed with horror, as I realized that, somewhere, along the sled ride, I'd lost my gold. It'd been in one of my pockets, I knew it was there, but now, as I fished around through each possible crease and pocket I had, I realized it was gone.

"No..." I whispered, panicking. "I swear, I just had it-"

She gave me a pitying look, her face falling slightly. "Sorry, hun, I can't-"

"Hey kid."

I shrieked loudly, spinning on my good heal in terror. Sans stood behind me, grinning widely and chuckling at my reaction. In his hand sat my sinched money pouch, outstretched towards me. "You dropped this outside."

A huge sigh of relief left me, and I gave him a thankful look as I gently took it from his hands.

"Thank goodness. Thank you so much, Sans," I said, leaning forward and placing my hand on his shoulder briefly before turning back to the counter.

"Do you have any bandages, as well? I sort of rolled my ankle and I should probably wrap it up," I said, after I counted out the gold for the medicine.

She nodded, whiskers lightly twitching as she reached below her counter and pulled out a decent sized roll of bandages. I looke around and hobbled around for a few extra things, grabbing some loaves of bread and some other food that wouldn't perish too quickly. Since I would be walking back, it would probably take me all night to make it back to the Ruins.

After all that, plus the medicine and bandages, I was left nearly penniless.

To my surprise, Sans was standing outside the store when I left, and watched as I loaded up my sled. I used the cut of rope that'd been tied around Papyrus to strap my goods down, making sure they were secure and wouldn't go sliding off.

"Thanks for being so kind to my brother."

I faltered, looking up in surprise. "Why are you thanking me? It's common courtesy. Besides, he's really nice. Who wouldn't be kind to him?"

He shrugged a little. "Some people think he's a little too excitable."

"I think it's a good quality," I defended, my chest flaring up as I thought to closely of my own brother. "He has a very boisterous voice, yes, but he has such a fun-loving attitude. That's hard to find anymore. At least, not commonly."

Sans was nodding along with my words, looking thoughtful. "Yeah, he's pretty cool. Wants to join the Royal guard. He thinks if he captures a human it'll help boost his chances."

I glanced down, pretending to busy myself with my already secured sled.

"Look, kid, I know what you are."

Freezing, I felt my heart-rate pick up in my chest. Sans was looking down at me, smile still there, but a little less friendly then it'd been before. "You sorta stick out like a sore thumb. But most monsters don't look to far into people who hide their faces. I do."

Swallowing thickly, I stood up slowly. "...What does that mean, then?"

He shrugged. "That depends on you. You're the first human I've met. So far, you've made a pretty good impression. I don't see any need to tell anybody anything... but if you're going to cause trouble..."

He glanced back up, and I stumbled back a gasp of surprise as his gaze captured mine. His right eye light had faded out, and the left had began to glow a brilliant shade of blue, almost as though a small fire was burning inside his socket. The aura that came off of him felt heavy, almost oppressive.

"You're gunna have a bad time."

We stared off for a moment, and I was trembling in my boots.

For a moment, I thought he was going to engage me and bring out my soul. I'd only seen it once after my intial encounter with Flowey, and that'd been when one of the first other monsters I'd encountered in the Ruins and it'd been very, very brief. Toriel had come and glared at the Froggit, and it had shied away until my soul finally receded back.

After that, pretty much all the Ruins monster knew me and eventually learned my name.

My soul gave a trembling pulse. I realized now I was feeling protective, and my soul was trying to emerge to protect me. I could feel it, on the precipice of popping out, and I brought my hand to my chest defensively.

Sans faltered, his grin falling for a second as though he'd felt something off.

Then, Napstablook came floating up out of the ground between us. "N-Nora, I-oh.. I-I'm sorry. I interrupted you t-two."

"It's okay, Blooky," I told him, watching how quickly Sans glowing eye flickered out and the normal eye lights returned. "We were just saying goodbye. You read to go?"

My ghostly friend nodded adorably, and "sat" on top of my bundle of groceries.

"Goodbye, Sans," I said curtly. "Thank your brother again for getting me here so fast."

He nodded slightly, gazing at Napstablook curiously before glancing back at me. "Yeah... see ya around, kid."

Sans didn't move as I started pulling my sled, trudging my way back up the winding path we'd gone sailing down just moments before. I could practically feel his eyes burning holes into my back, and I quickened my pace despite my protesting ankle.

Tears were burning in my eyes by the time I reached the top, and I was huffing out in sheer effort.

"N-Nora-"

Once I knew for certain we were out of view, and alone, I collapsed to my knees and cried. Napstablook hovered worriedly, tears springing to eyes almost instantly as I began to cry.

I'd never been so scared, except for in the presence of Flowey. Sans had gone from a happy go lucky kinda prankster, to a threat in the blink of an eye. The part of me that'd felt sorry for hiding my race was now glad, wondering how badly Papyrus would've reacted if that'd been Sans'.

Napstablook settled on leaning on my shoulder, little hand rubbing my back.

"I'm s-sorry, Blook. I was just," I wiped at my face, a little angry. "I was scared."

He didn't say anything, but continued leaning on me until I'd gotten the tears to stop and cleaned my face off with my sleeves. While I was already on the ground, I fished out my bandages and quickly wrapped my ankle, wincing as the cold air touched my bare skin.

Soon, it was dark but we were trudging on. I was trying to remember the path Papyrus took, and I did successfully navigate us around a couple of puzzles. But with the dark came more cold, and soon I had Napstablook snuggled between my hoodie and sweater.

"You sure you're not hot in there, Blook?" I asked, uncertain as I rested my chin on his head, trudging forward sluggishly. His magic already kept him at a warm temperature, despite being a ghost. So he really didn't feel the cold like I did, and he was like a little heater.

"I-It's okay. You're f-freezing, Nora," the little ghost commented, peering at me comically from over the edge of my hoodie collar.

I laughed a little, before feeling it catch in my chest. I wheezed a little, coughing into my arm so that I wouldn't cough directly over Napstablooks head. His gaze grew more concerned, watching me almost like an owl.

"I'm okay," I whispered tiredly, my head bobbing a little as I felt sleep tugging at my eyes. I had to keep going, there was no time for me to stop.

I trudged on through the night, telling Napstablook of how afraid I was of Sans and Papyrus at first, then how silly they ended up being. He giggled as I got the part of Papyrus tying himself to the sled, and his eyes went wide as I told him just how fast Papyrus had run, getting us to Snowdin in record time.

By the time we made it to the door, the sun was rising and I was nearly asleep on my feet. My nose was running like a river and I'd started having coughing fits. I was half tempted to try some of the medicine I'd gotten for Toriel, but I was worried it'd make me fall asleep before we got some to her.

I was very thankful for Napstablook. I would've been by myself nearly the entire journey if not for him, and the little guy made a really great friend. He kept me going, talking to me on through the night and encouraging my story telling.

"Well, the door is probably sealed again," I practically slurred, wavering on my feet as we approached the door. "But our one-two-punch should fix that!"

"Our what?" Napstablook blinked a little.

"Ya know... our magic-y conductor thing... whatever weird stuff happened on our way out," I reminded, squinting my eyes at him as I tried to focus on him clearly. "Have you always been able to make it look like there's two of you?"

"N-Nora..." Blook was looking worried, but I shook my head.

"Gotta make it," I whispered, and stretched my hand for the door.
Napstablook touched my arm like he had before, and I pressed myself against the door, letting my sleeve fall back so that my bare skin brushed the stone.

The pulse that I was feeling around magic happened very quickly, and softly, to the point where I barely even felt it beneath my palm. But, this time, the door didn't open. No magic drew from Napstablook like before, and we stood there in empty silence.

"I..." Napstablook floated away, looking even more worried. "N-Nora, it didn't open..."

I glared at the door, but instead fished into my pockets. "There has to be a way. We got out, we have to be able to g-get in."

Pulling out my little flip phone, I dialed Toriel's number. I'd feel bad for waking her, but I wanted to get her feeling better. And, the door staying shut had planted a seed of worry within the pit of my stomach.

I listened to the empty rings with my heart pounding in my chest, and my palms sweating.

"N-nap... blooky," I whispered, as I tried ringing her a second time when the line cut dead. "The room is spinning."

My body fell against the door, and I was slowly sliding down it, hearing a dial tone once more blaring out through the tiny plastic speakers. My head was beating to the rhythm of my heart, each pulse pushing a wave through my vision, and I twisted round so that my back was against the cold stone of the door.

"N-Nora! Nora, p-please!"

Blook...

"H-...old... n-

Toriel...

"Kid?"

I'm so tired. I'm sorry.