"I'm not going out with you no more, Draco!" Ebony screamed randomly during breakfast Sunday morning in the Great Hall. Nearly all the Slytherins gasped in mock horror.
"Huh?" Draco was rubbing his temples in an attempt to quell an insistent headache.
"I've found a new love! In...Vampire!"
"The fuck?" Harry choked on his pumpkin juice. Ron accidentally snorted his pumpkin juice in laughter. Yeah, some supportive friends he had.
"That's it, I freaking had it," Hermione stood from her seat. "If you can't play the bad guy, Harry, and tell her how you actually feel, then I will. Ebony!" The gothic girl turned toward Granger.
"Look, Ebony, first of all, Harry is not a vampire. He's a normal wizard who happened to defeat Voldemort and saved the whole of the Wizarding World from the Dark Ages," The ex-Dark Wizard's name had a few students flinching. "He can't stand you but he's too nice to say anything to you, so please just leave him alone."
"Yeah, some bad guy, Granger. You practically begged her to just stop being annoying," Malfoy muttered as he reached for the butter with his knife.
"Shut up, fucking prep!" That quickly silenced all the Great Hall residents except for the Slytherins who were oohing to get a rise from Granger.
"Um, Hermione," Harry tried tugging her back down to her seat.
"You imbecilic, impudent, ill-mannered, impious, idiot!"
"Your mom!"
More oohing.
"Riddikulus!" Hermione pointed her wand at Ebony's face. The spell made the makeup on her face swell and mix, leaving her lips down to the bottom of her chin black, her eyes thickly rimmed with several red and black circles, and the rest of her face an unhealthy shade of gray.
"What did that do?" The girl sneered, unable to see the ghastly result and making her face ever-more-so like one belonging to a freaky homicidal clown.
The whole of the student body stood mesmerized for a length of ten seconds before they all burst into a lengthy bout of uncontainable laughter. Hermione huffed in resignation and sat down next to an awestruck Harry.
"Wow, you're evil."
"We're going to get revenge, Harry."
"Wait, what? You mean that wasn't enough?"
"No, that was for me. We have to get revenge for you now." Harry gaped at his friend like a fish out of water.
"Then I'm assuming you have a plan?" Harry finally asked.
"Nope." Harry groaned and watched as Ron tried to keep his food from going down the wrong tract.
"Why is she so melodramatic all the time? Oh wait, it's because she's gothic. Wait, that doesn't make sense either!" Draco once again attempted to massage the irksome headache out of his head after he put the finishing touches on his potions paper. Slughorn may hate his guts, but Draco was quite determined in getting top marks on his potions NEWTS.
"What I can't believe is that she went through the entire day without noticing what happened to her face. If only Binns hadn't decided to tell her about it in order to make the students stop laughing and actually pay attention in his class." Pansy tapped thoughtfully on her chin with a manicured fingernail. "Well, it's not like anyone pays attention in his class anyway." She added as an afterthought.
"Her reaction was worth it though."
"Wait, Drakey, do you actually not care about being 'dumped'?" Pansy asked, emphasizing the word 'dumped' by making air quotes with her fingers.
"Truthfully, Pansy, I couldn't be happier," Draco replied as he took out his Arithmacy book. He was on a roll today.
"Yeah, but she dumped you. Aren't Malfoys suppose to be all like, 'oh, I dumped her first' or something? Not to mention that she did it in public."
Draco knocked ink all over his parchment, which he hastily magicked back into the bottle. "You just want revenge, don't you?"
"Same goes for you, Drakey Poo." So that's what that incessant headache was about.
"Then I'm guessing you have some crazy revenge ploy for once?"
"I thought you never ask."
Harry pulled the invisibility cloak tighter over his head as he walked furtively out the portrait that led to the Gryffindor rooms.
I can't believe I need to use the invisibility cloak to get freaking food. Harry had went through the entirety of the week trying to avoid his self-appointed girlfriend. It's like she had a Maurader's Map of her own. Or she actually succeeded in using a tracking charm on him; Harry quickly crossed that choice out after noting she would probably mispronounce something and end up with an extra head or something just as terrifying-as if she needs another mouth to spout more nonsense. After the first day of the girl's pining, Harry felt something akin to sympathy for Malfoy, unable to see how he was able to survive this for two weeks. Classes and night time were the only times Harry was actually safe from Enobi's stalker-like wrath. He couldn't go to breakfast or dinner, or anywhere else, without her trying to woo him with her slutty-like, grammatically incorrect self. This is far from girl troubles. This is harassment.
Harry's stomach growled, like it was telling him to stop thinking about his wretched life, so the Boy Who Lived briskly walked toward the kitchens.
And lo and behold, Harry's life just became more wretched. Harry quickly stopped in his tracks as he saw Ebony crying right in the smack middle of the fucking hallway, puddles of blood growing larger and larger on either side of her. Harry was unable to get past her without stepping in some of the blood that stained the floor. Bugger, that was going to be a pain to clean up, even with a good scourgify charm.
"Why do I have to be so beautiful? Why? All the preps are jealous and Vampire's so shy that he doesn't want to be with me!" Ah, you wish. Harry had to keep from snorting out loud in incredulity. At least you got the me not wanting to be with you part right.
"Oh no! He must be cheating on me with Draco!"
The fuck, no I'm not! Harry worked hard to refrain himself from saying his thoughts out loud, among other things, as another fountain of blood started shooting from her eyes. She must have lost quite a few gallons by now. Is that even normal for vampires? Nope, I quite doubt it.
"I'll catch him doing it right now!" The girl drenched in blood quickly got up and ran off, in the fucking opposite direction of the common rooms. Merlin, what an idiot.
Harry quickly cast scourgify on the floor and resumed his journey to the kitchens, this time running in order to lessen the chances of running into her again. He was in for a different surprise when he arrived to the kitchens.
"Malfoy? Oh, come on, I barely escaped Enobi a minute ago." Harry tugged off his invisibility cloak and asked a nearby house elf for some food.
"Oh, Potter. Well, it's not like you're the only one with the idea of eating after dinner," Malfoy answered, taking another bite from a sandwich. "This actually tastes pretty good, despite its plebian origins."
"Why are you here?"
"Because I skipped dinner. I'm assuming you did as well. Nice to see you run on something else other than pure brawn."
"Why'd you skip dinner?"
"The same reason you did, Potter. I've been running a bit low on sleep so I'd rather hurry up and finish this sandwich than answer your stupid questions, if you don't mind."
"Why are you avoiding Ebony?"
"Who wouldn't want to avoid her? Geez Potter, you're making me believe the girl bursted half your brain cells in the past week. That's a laugh though, some girl causing more troubles for the great Harry Potter than the Dark Lord."
"You didn't answer my question."
"I may have told her that you were cheating on her with me. And then I proceeded to tell her that I was going to commit suicide."
"What!"
"I'm kidding-"
"Oh."
"About the last sentence."
"Wait, what?"
"Potter, I'm starting to believe you've lost the ability to speak sentences that have more than five words."
"Why in the world did you say something like that?"
"What can I say, annoying you is one of the highlights of my life," Draco replied while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
"I hate you."
"Bite me."
"Gladly," Harry dashed toward the Slytherin, a clenched fist aimed at the git's head. The blonde quickly stepped back, dropping his unfinished sandwich to grab his wand. Oh, we couldn't have any of that. Harry ducked as Malfoy yelled a stinging hex that collided with the kitchen wall. House elves were running around, trying to protect exposed cooking ware and food and begging for the boys to do the hexing somewhere other than in the kitchens. Harry ducked under a table and aimed an Expelliarmus at Malfoy, which he was able to dodge and sent an Expelliarmus right back at him. The Slytherin's spell missed Harry as he threw himself at the Slytherin, sending them both crashing to the floor.
The wind was knocked out of Draco, leaving him gasping as Potter slammed his back onto the floor. "The hell, Potter?"
"Sorry, did that hurt?" Potter asked sarcastically as he pinned both of Draco's arms down with his knees.
"Quite so, will you kiss it better?" Then a shriek echoed from the kitchen doorway.
"Eek! Like oh my God! Yaoi!" Ebony wailed, pointing at the compromising position the two were in.
"The fuck, it's like she knows everywhere I fucking go," Potter hissed.
"Ditto," Draco chimed.
"I totally knewed thats you were cheating on me, Vampire!"
"Please don't start crying again," Potter feared he was going to develop a deep case of hemaphobia.
Too late, the girl was leaking blood from her eye sockets once again. The metallic smell nearly had Potter dry-heaving, since he didn't have anything in his system; at this rate, it was very unlikely he was going to get anything in his system.
"Can you get off me, Potter?" Draco squirmed around under him. "My arms are going numb."
Potter actually blushed, muttered something about 'stupid, pathetic Slytherins'-Draco was going to get him back for that comment later-and hastily rose to his feet.
"Not going to help me up?" Potter grumbled something unintelligible-Draco was probably going to have to get him back for that too-and offered a hand to the snarky Slytherin. Draco then had a brilliant idea. He grabbed the offered hand and then forcefully yanked on it when he was halfway up, jerking Potter straight towards him and crashing their lips together.