CHARMEDED 3.4: THE PHILOSOPHICAL...NESS THAT IS ENCASED WITHIN... PHOEBE???
PRELUDE: COLE'S QUESTION TIME.
INT. COLE'S BIG ARMCHAIR LAND. BUT COLE IS NOT THERE. INSTEAD, ROSE MCGOWAN COMES AND SITS IN HIS SEAT. SHE DOES NOT REALISE THAT WE ARE ROLLING, SO TALKS TO THE PERSON BEHIND THE CAMERA.
ROSE: Is my hair okay?
SHANNEN(OS): No! It's stoopid as usual.
ROSE: I really feel uncomfortable with her being around me all the time.
HOLLY(OS): Well, you did try to replace her, and now you're replacing Cole.
ALYSSA(OS): Rose, you know, Cole didn't do anything to deserve this.
JULIAN(OS: You know, Cole isn't my real name.
ALL: Shut up!
ROSE: Look, it's what I do! I hunt out people and take their jobs. So what if I'm evil and should be shot! Shannen had her back turned so I snuck into her place. You win some, you lose some. C'est la vie!
SHANNEN(OS): Alright, that's it! I'm sick and tired of you attempting to be clever and using stupid foreign cliches! Die!
SHANNEN ENTERS, JUMPS ON ROSE AND BEGINS THROTTLING HER. THREE SECURITY DOODS IN WHITE COATS GRAB SHANNEN AND PUT A STRAIGHT JACKET ON HER. THEY BEGIN TO DRAG HER OFF.
SHANNEN: This isn't over, McGowan! Hey - this is surprising comfortable!
HOLLY(OS): Serendipity?
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.
INT. LIVING ROOM. PHOEBE IS WATCHING THE TV. PIPER ENTERS.
PIPER: Hey Pheebsie, what you watching?
PHOEBE: The Never Ending Story. It's this great movie about-
PIPER: I know. I saw it when I was eleven. Boy, was it ever a disappointment.
PHOEBE: What do you mean?
PIPER: Well, if it lived up to its name, I'd still be watching it, wouldn't I? Seriously, Phoebe, you may as well quit while you're ahead.
PHOEBE BLINKS A FEW TIMES, AS IF SOMETHING SHE ATE HAS JUST TAKEN EFFECT...
PHOEBE: Wow. I guess The Never Ending Story not being never ending is just one of those things...
PIPER: What do you mean?
PHOEBE: Oh, you know, like how the word abbreviation is so long it has an abbreviation! And how 'phoenetically' is so hard to spell and say!
PIPER: Hey - I didn't realise you were so philosophical these days!
PHOEBE: Philosophy, oh, dear poor poverton Piper (that was called alliteration in speech, my dear) thou hast forsaken me to request for that old charm you associate with thanking Prudence for creating thus; a new fantastico brain called... Phoebe.
PIPER LOOKS STUPEFIED.
PIPER: Huh?
PHOEBE: It's the new me. Prue created me.
PIPER: How? You're all clever and stuff! I don't like it!
PHOEBE: Well, you should find yourself having to get used to it.
PRUE ENTERS AND, IN A WORD, CLOBBERS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD WITH A BROKEN TENNIS RACKET.
PIPER: Nice racket! How's it broken?
PRUE: Oh, from the last time I, in a word, clobbered Phoebe over the head with it.
PHOEBE: I, uhhh, sss... cheese... cookie... I wanna go get some skooshy cream!
PIPER: Hey she's back to normal!
PRUE: I know. Who'd have thought she'd actually benefit from the time I made her swallow a dictionary, a thesaurus and a fourteen-volume encyclopedia. It actually made her cleverer! But-
SHE TK'S PHOEBE INTO THE WALL.
PRUE: I'm sure I can get her back to her old self.
LEO ORBS IN.
LEO: Hi!
LEO ORBS OUT.
PIPER: Hmmmwell fine. D*ck.
PRUE: What the f*ck's been going on between you two? You'ver been cold to each other since Leo came out!
KT(OS): Leo came out?
PRUE: KT, just because you write and film the series, it doesn't mean we don't have our own lives behind the scenes.
KT(OS): Actually, it kinda does... doesn't it?
PRUE TK'S KT INTO A WALL, WHICH INCIDENTALLY IS ON CAMERA. KT GETS UP, DUSTS HERSELF OFF AND NOTICES SHE'S BEING FILMED.
KT: No, no, no! I'm not supposed to be on this show! Shannen you bumbling fool!
SHANNEN: Screw you, bitch!
KT: I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
SHANNEN: Oh please, like you can beat me and my powers.
KT: Oh, I have some powers of my own.
SHANNEN LOOKS NERVOUS.
SHANNEN: Um, what?
KT: Alright, I'm gonna give a flashback warning. (shouts) WARNING! FLASHBACK! Done and done. Now, Shannen - cast your mind back to the first ever episode of Charmeded.
* * *
PIPER: What? Who died and made you... all of us?
PAIGE: Prue, actually.
PIPER: ... that's very true. So. What powers you got?
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-
PIPER: Hey...
PAIGE: Dreamwalking, Healing Touch, Shapeshifting, Possession and Weather Control, and my personal favourite, Flower Arranging.
PIPER: Wow that's quite a repertoire you got there!
* * *
KT: I wrote Paige's character's powers based on my own.
PAIGE ENTERS.
PAIGE: She's right, you know. Pfft, what kinda idiot would actually BELIEVE that I could do anything as cool as dreamwalking, weather control and flower arranging?
PIPER LOOKS ASHAMED.
PAIGE: Oh yeah - you! Halliwell, you buffoon.
PIPER: Stop calling me that!
PAIGE: Halliwell.
PIPER: Nyyyahhhh!
PIPER JUMPS ON PHOEBE AND BEGINS BEATING HER TO SH*T.
PHOEBE: Ow! Piper get off me! It's not Paige, it's Phoebe!
PIPER: So? Maybe I didn't mean to jump on Paige.
KT RUNS OFF SCREEN. THANK GOD. SUDDENLY THERE IS A 'POOF' OF SMOKE AND A DEMON APPEARS.
PHOEBE: Oh no.
PRUE: (monosylabically) Uh oh it's a de-mon help us quick.
DEMON: Stop taking the piss!
PIPER: Name?
DEMON: Siamese.
PIPER: Reason for being here?
PHOEBE: It's obviously to destroy the Charmeded Ones you idium Piper!
SIAMESE: Actually, I just like the show.
PHOEBE: Oh...
PIPER: NOW who's the idium?
SIAMESE: But since you mentioned it...
SIAMESE THROWS PHOEBE THROUGH THE WINDOW. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE WHILE SIAMESE LOOKS AT PIPER AND PRUE AS IF EXPECTING PRAISE.
PRUE: Sheesh well any of us coulda done that.
SIAMESE: Oh.
SIAMESE THROWS PIPER INTO A LARGE CAULDRON WHICH RANDOMLY APPEARS. PHOEBE CRAWLS BACK IN.
PIPER: Hey where'd this cauldron come from?
PRUE: Uh, it's not mine! Or is it...?
SIAMESE LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER THE CAULDRON.
PIPER: What's that smell? Is someone cooking?
PRUE ROLLS HER EYES.
PIPER: Smells good... could do with some chutney or something to bring out that juicy aroma!
SIAMESE: You're the boss!
PHOEBE: Who's the boss?
A FAINT DRUM ROLL IS HEARD. THIS TIME IT IS PRUE WHO THROWS PHOEBE OUT OF THE WINDOW.
PRUE: Look, Siamese, you're cooking Piper.
PIPER: Oh, the irony!
SIAMESE: Huh?
PIPER: I'm a cook and I'm getting cooked!
PRUE: Shut up!
PRUE GETS A REMOTE CONTROL AND POINTS IT AT PIPER.
PIPER: No! Prue you can't-
PRUE PRESSES 'MUTE'. PIPER CONTINUES TO SPEAK BUT IS NOT HEARD.
PIPER: ...
PRUE: Right. Siamese. Does this mean that once she's done you're gonna want to eat her?
PIPER: !!!
SIAMESE: Uh, yeah! Then what would be the point of... oh f*ck it, I can't be bothered! I'm off. I'm sure she tastes like crap anways.
PIPER: ...*^£%*$*&...
PRUE: Oh, wait, Piper I wanna hear that.
PRUE PUTS PIPER'S VOLUME BACK ON.
PIPER: Screw you you f*cking di*ckhead *sshole b*tch! I'll taste better than anything you've ever laid your poverty stricken eyes on you f*cking... f*cking DILLHOLE!
SIAMESE: Sounds like you have a bit of a problem there!
PIPER LOOKS INCREDULOUSLY ANGRY. SHE IS ABOUT TO LET SIAMESE HAVE IT WHEN PRUE PUTS HER BACK ON MUTE. WHAT WE THEN SEE IS A VERY FUNNY DISPLAY OF PIPER MOUTHING OFF AND CURSING TO HER HEARTS CONTENT IN COMPLETE SILENCE.
PRUE: Piper has issues.
SIAMESE: Well... bye then.
PRUE: No way! We're gonna vanquish you!
SIAMESE: Catch me! Oh, one last thing - until Phoebe vanquishes someone, make mine Charmeded!
SIAMESE RUNS AWAY. SECONDS LATER, WE HEAR AN ANGUISHED SCREAM. PRUE AND A DRIPPING WET PIPER FOLLOW SIAMESE INTO THE HALL.
CUT TO: HALL. THERE IS A PILE OF DUST ON THE FLOOR AND PHOEBE IS STANDING LOOKING UPSET.
PIPER: Pheebs you vanquished her! How?
PHOEBE: All I wanted was a goodbye hug...
PRUE: Oh I get it. I'd rather die too!
PIPER: I guess we can't 'make hers Charmeded' then, cos that was a vanquish Phoebe did alone!
PHOEBE: No one likes me!
PIPER AND PRUE LAUGH AT PHOEBE.
ROLL CREDITS.
* * *
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Will they ever stop laughing at Phoebe? Will Cole ever stay for more than sixteen seconds? Will Phoebe get a life and will Piper realise her flesh has melted and her hair has singed off. Find out next time on Charmeded.
* * *
PHOEBE: I'm a puppy!
PRUE: Well, Pheebs, the new rule in this house is that whenever you see a dog you gotta kick it.
PIPER, PHOEBE, COLE AND LEO ALL KICK PRUE.
PRUE: Hey what's the idea?
COLE: Like you said, whenever you see a dog you gotta kick it!
* * *
COLE SHIMMERS IN.
COLE: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty! There - I stayed on for more than sixteen seconds!
HE SHIMMERS OUT.
* * *
VOICE OVER GUY: And all that's most likely not on next weeks Charmeded! See ya!
Hey to whoever lives in the UK, isn't it weird how all-out living is going to advertise Charmed? I've seen loads of adverts on every channel as opposed to the usual (lol) "three is a magic number" one - which is by far the best, and you wanna know why? Cos Prue's there!
So I'm watching all the new adverts, and I'm actually feeling pure hatred. Seriously, I am. I am gonna not like Charmed, all because of that b*tch-wh*re McGowan!
Why, Shannen, why?
And it's made even worse because living's all like "the forth and best series ever". Bastards.
Sorry to any Paige fans. Oh, wait, no I'm not!!!
Lots of Love and APPP, kt
PRELUDE: COLE'S QUESTION TIME.
INT. COLE'S BIG ARMCHAIR LAND. BUT COLE IS NOT THERE. INSTEAD, ROSE MCGOWAN COMES AND SITS IN HIS SEAT. SHE DOES NOT REALISE THAT WE ARE ROLLING, SO TALKS TO THE PERSON BEHIND THE CAMERA.
ROSE: Is my hair okay?
SHANNEN(OS): No! It's stoopid as usual.
ROSE: I really feel uncomfortable with her being around me all the time.
HOLLY(OS): Well, you did try to replace her, and now you're replacing Cole.
ALYSSA(OS): Rose, you know, Cole didn't do anything to deserve this.
JULIAN(OS: You know, Cole isn't my real name.
ALL: Shut up!
ROSE: Look, it's what I do! I hunt out people and take their jobs. So what if I'm evil and should be shot! Shannen had her back turned so I snuck into her place. You win some, you lose some. C'est la vie!
SHANNEN(OS): Alright, that's it! I'm sick and tired of you attempting to be clever and using stupid foreign cliches! Die!
SHANNEN ENTERS, JUMPS ON ROSE AND BEGINS THROTTLING HER. THREE SECURITY DOODS IN WHITE COATS GRAB SHANNEN AND PUT A STRAIGHT JACKET ON HER. THEY BEGIN TO DRAG HER OFF.
SHANNEN: This isn't over, McGowan! Hey - this is surprising comfortable!
HOLLY(OS): Serendipity?
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.
INT. LIVING ROOM. PHOEBE IS WATCHING THE TV. PIPER ENTERS.
PIPER: Hey Pheebsie, what you watching?
PHOEBE: The Never Ending Story. It's this great movie about-
PIPER: I know. I saw it when I was eleven. Boy, was it ever a disappointment.
PHOEBE: What do you mean?
PIPER: Well, if it lived up to its name, I'd still be watching it, wouldn't I? Seriously, Phoebe, you may as well quit while you're ahead.
PHOEBE BLINKS A FEW TIMES, AS IF SOMETHING SHE ATE HAS JUST TAKEN EFFECT...
PHOEBE: Wow. I guess The Never Ending Story not being never ending is just one of those things...
PIPER: What do you mean?
PHOEBE: Oh, you know, like how the word abbreviation is so long it has an abbreviation! And how 'phoenetically' is so hard to spell and say!
PIPER: Hey - I didn't realise you were so philosophical these days!
PHOEBE: Philosophy, oh, dear poor poverton Piper (that was called alliteration in speech, my dear) thou hast forsaken me to request for that old charm you associate with thanking Prudence for creating thus; a new fantastico brain called... Phoebe.
PIPER LOOKS STUPEFIED.
PIPER: Huh?
PHOEBE: It's the new me. Prue created me.
PIPER: How? You're all clever and stuff! I don't like it!
PHOEBE: Well, you should find yourself having to get used to it.
PRUE ENTERS AND, IN A WORD, CLOBBERS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD WITH A BROKEN TENNIS RACKET.
PIPER: Nice racket! How's it broken?
PRUE: Oh, from the last time I, in a word, clobbered Phoebe over the head with it.
PHOEBE: I, uhhh, sss... cheese... cookie... I wanna go get some skooshy cream!
PIPER: Hey she's back to normal!
PRUE: I know. Who'd have thought she'd actually benefit from the time I made her swallow a dictionary, a thesaurus and a fourteen-volume encyclopedia. It actually made her cleverer! But-
SHE TK'S PHOEBE INTO THE WALL.
PRUE: I'm sure I can get her back to her old self.
LEO ORBS IN.
LEO: Hi!
LEO ORBS OUT.
PIPER: Hmmmwell fine. D*ck.
PRUE: What the f*ck's been going on between you two? You'ver been cold to each other since Leo came out!
KT(OS): Leo came out?
PRUE: KT, just because you write and film the series, it doesn't mean we don't have our own lives behind the scenes.
KT(OS): Actually, it kinda does... doesn't it?
PRUE TK'S KT INTO A WALL, WHICH INCIDENTALLY IS ON CAMERA. KT GETS UP, DUSTS HERSELF OFF AND NOTICES SHE'S BEING FILMED.
KT: No, no, no! I'm not supposed to be on this show! Shannen you bumbling fool!
SHANNEN: Screw you, bitch!
KT: I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
SHANNEN: Oh please, like you can beat me and my powers.
KT: Oh, I have some powers of my own.
SHANNEN LOOKS NERVOUS.
SHANNEN: Um, what?
KT: Alright, I'm gonna give a flashback warning. (shouts) WARNING! FLASHBACK! Done and done. Now, Shannen - cast your mind back to the first ever episode of Charmeded.
* * *
PIPER: What? Who died and made you... all of us?
PAIGE: Prue, actually.
PIPER: ... that's very true. So. What powers you got?
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-
PIPER: Hey...
PAIGE: Dreamwalking, Healing Touch, Shapeshifting, Possession and Weather Control, and my personal favourite, Flower Arranging.
PIPER: Wow that's quite a repertoire you got there!
* * *
KT: I wrote Paige's character's powers based on my own.
PAIGE ENTERS.
PAIGE: She's right, you know. Pfft, what kinda idiot would actually BELIEVE that I could do anything as cool as dreamwalking, weather control and flower arranging?
PIPER LOOKS ASHAMED.
PAIGE: Oh yeah - you! Halliwell, you buffoon.
PIPER: Stop calling me that!
PAIGE: Halliwell.
PIPER: Nyyyahhhh!
PIPER JUMPS ON PHOEBE AND BEGINS BEATING HER TO SH*T.
PHOEBE: Ow! Piper get off me! It's not Paige, it's Phoebe!
PIPER: So? Maybe I didn't mean to jump on Paige.
KT RUNS OFF SCREEN. THANK GOD. SUDDENLY THERE IS A 'POOF' OF SMOKE AND A DEMON APPEARS.
PHOEBE: Oh no.
PRUE: (monosylabically) Uh oh it's a de-mon help us quick.
DEMON: Stop taking the piss!
PIPER: Name?
DEMON: Siamese.
PIPER: Reason for being here?
PHOEBE: It's obviously to destroy the Charmeded Ones you idium Piper!
SIAMESE: Actually, I just like the show.
PHOEBE: Oh...
PIPER: NOW who's the idium?
SIAMESE: But since you mentioned it...
SIAMESE THROWS PHOEBE THROUGH THE WINDOW. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE WHILE SIAMESE LOOKS AT PIPER AND PRUE AS IF EXPECTING PRAISE.
PRUE: Sheesh well any of us coulda done that.
SIAMESE: Oh.
SIAMESE THROWS PIPER INTO A LARGE CAULDRON WHICH RANDOMLY APPEARS. PHOEBE CRAWLS BACK IN.
PIPER: Hey where'd this cauldron come from?
PRUE: Uh, it's not mine! Or is it...?
SIAMESE LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER THE CAULDRON.
PIPER: What's that smell? Is someone cooking?
PRUE ROLLS HER EYES.
PIPER: Smells good... could do with some chutney or something to bring out that juicy aroma!
SIAMESE: You're the boss!
PHOEBE: Who's the boss?
A FAINT DRUM ROLL IS HEARD. THIS TIME IT IS PRUE WHO THROWS PHOEBE OUT OF THE WINDOW.
PRUE: Look, Siamese, you're cooking Piper.
PIPER: Oh, the irony!
SIAMESE: Huh?
PIPER: I'm a cook and I'm getting cooked!
PRUE: Shut up!
PRUE GETS A REMOTE CONTROL AND POINTS IT AT PIPER.
PIPER: No! Prue you can't-
PRUE PRESSES 'MUTE'. PIPER CONTINUES TO SPEAK BUT IS NOT HEARD.
PIPER: ...
PRUE: Right. Siamese. Does this mean that once she's done you're gonna want to eat her?
PIPER: !!!
SIAMESE: Uh, yeah! Then what would be the point of... oh f*ck it, I can't be bothered! I'm off. I'm sure she tastes like crap anways.
PIPER: ...*^£%*$*&...
PRUE: Oh, wait, Piper I wanna hear that.
PRUE PUTS PIPER'S VOLUME BACK ON.
PIPER: Screw you you f*cking di*ckhead *sshole b*tch! I'll taste better than anything you've ever laid your poverty stricken eyes on you f*cking... f*cking DILLHOLE!
SIAMESE: Sounds like you have a bit of a problem there!
PIPER LOOKS INCREDULOUSLY ANGRY. SHE IS ABOUT TO LET SIAMESE HAVE IT WHEN PRUE PUTS HER BACK ON MUTE. WHAT WE THEN SEE IS A VERY FUNNY DISPLAY OF PIPER MOUTHING OFF AND CURSING TO HER HEARTS CONTENT IN COMPLETE SILENCE.
PRUE: Piper has issues.
SIAMESE: Well... bye then.
PRUE: No way! We're gonna vanquish you!
SIAMESE: Catch me! Oh, one last thing - until Phoebe vanquishes someone, make mine Charmeded!
SIAMESE RUNS AWAY. SECONDS LATER, WE HEAR AN ANGUISHED SCREAM. PRUE AND A DRIPPING WET PIPER FOLLOW SIAMESE INTO THE HALL.
CUT TO: HALL. THERE IS A PILE OF DUST ON THE FLOOR AND PHOEBE IS STANDING LOOKING UPSET.
PIPER: Pheebs you vanquished her! How?
PHOEBE: All I wanted was a goodbye hug...
PRUE: Oh I get it. I'd rather die too!
PIPER: I guess we can't 'make hers Charmeded' then, cos that was a vanquish Phoebe did alone!
PHOEBE: No one likes me!
PIPER AND PRUE LAUGH AT PHOEBE.
ROLL CREDITS.
* * *
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Will they ever stop laughing at Phoebe? Will Cole ever stay for more than sixteen seconds? Will Phoebe get a life and will Piper realise her flesh has melted and her hair has singed off. Find out next time on Charmeded.
* * *
PHOEBE: I'm a puppy!
PRUE: Well, Pheebs, the new rule in this house is that whenever you see a dog you gotta kick it.
PIPER, PHOEBE, COLE AND LEO ALL KICK PRUE.
PRUE: Hey what's the idea?
COLE: Like you said, whenever you see a dog you gotta kick it!
* * *
COLE SHIMMERS IN.
COLE: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty! There - I stayed on for more than sixteen seconds!
HE SHIMMERS OUT.
* * *
VOICE OVER GUY: And all that's most likely not on next weeks Charmeded! See ya!
Hey to whoever lives in the UK, isn't it weird how all-out living is going to advertise Charmed? I've seen loads of adverts on every channel as opposed to the usual (lol) "three is a magic number" one - which is by far the best, and you wanna know why? Cos Prue's there!
So I'm watching all the new adverts, and I'm actually feeling pure hatred. Seriously, I am. I am gonna not like Charmed, all because of that b*tch-wh*re McGowan!
Why, Shannen, why?
And it's made even worse because living's all like "the forth and best series ever". Bastards.
Sorry to any Paige fans. Oh, wait, no I'm not!!!
Lots of Love and APPP, kt