Part Four

Rachel got to the hospital. She took her spot beside Quinn. "I talked to Santana today. She yelled at Finn for bothering me. I wanted to tell her that you are alive. But it isn't my place. I know you are going to wake up though. You have to. I need you to. Quinn, I've been thinking a lot. About you. I know you threw slushies at me. I know you hurled insults at me. But I saw you Quinn. The laughter never reached your eyes. Even though, you were doing those things to me, I wanted to hug you. I wanted to tell you that it would be okay. That you would be okay. When they told us you were dead, I cried. I spent every minute crying. All that potential lost. You are an amazing woman, Quinn. Amazing. I think I might love you, given the chance."

Quinn looked at Natalia. "Did you hear that?"

"What?" Natalia asked looking amused.

"You are an amazing woman, Quinn. Amazing. I think I might love you, given the chance."

"Rachel! Rachel, where are you?" Quinn started searching.

"It is only you and I here, Quinn. Who is Rachel?"

"She is this girl I go to high school with," Quinn replied as she sat down.

"Why don't you tell me about her?"

"What's to tell? She gets made fun of a lot. Mostly by me and the other cheerleaders."

"I see. How does that make you feel?"

"Is that what this is?" Quinn laughed. "Therapy?"

"No. It is whatever you want it to be."

"I will visit you every day. Your mom said it was okay if I did. She is actually kind of cool. I know you weren't expecting to hear that. Your mother really does care about you. I care about you Quinn. I always have. I always will." Rachel looked at Quinn lying so still in the hospital bed. She placed her head on Quinn's chest. She wrapped her arms around Quinn. "I just wish you would wake up. I want to talk to you. I need to know why you apologized to me. I need to know what lie you are living. Please Quinn just wake up."

"Okay so this isn't therapy? I don't get it."

"What is the last thing you remember, Quinn?" Natalia asked.

"I wrote a note. I cut my wrist. Then I climbed on a chair preparing to die."

Natalia nodded. "Yes, you did."
"So I'm dead?"

"Do you feel dead?"

Quinn smiled. "No more so than I did before."

"So you felt dead before. Is that why you wanted to kill yourself?"

"No. Yes. I don't know."

"You don't know why you wanted to die?" Natalia looked concerned.

"No, I mean I do know. Just… it's hard to explain. This sure seems like it is therapy."

"Hmmm… maybe, it is then. It could be therapy of sorts. The boss doesn't tell me these things. I, personally, am just trying to understand. I never did understand this concept of suicide. You have a life. I think you are meant to live it."

Quinn laughed. "I wish it were that easy."

Natalia looked genuinely confused. "It isn't?"

Quinn shook her head. "I wasn't living my life."

"Oh? Whose life were you living?"

"I don't know. Someone who wasn't me. I was mean. I didn't want to be mean but I felt like I had to be."

"Why?"

Quinn chewed her lip. "My religion. My family."

Natalia scoffed. "Your religion? Really? Why does everyone blame God? That isn't fair."

"I'm not blaming Him. It's my fault. I am the sinner."

"Oh. I see. Now, we are getting somewhere. How are you a sinner?"

"I'm gay."

Natalia shook her head. "Love isn't a sin. Who the fuck comes up with this shit?"

Quinn looked utterly shocked. This girl didn't seem like the type to swear.

"I'm not supposed to swear, strictly speaking. However, the boss accepts that sometimes anger & confusion can take over. Even for us."

"For us? What does that mean? You are human, aren't you?"

Natalia just smiled. "So you are gay. Is that why you did it?"

"Kind of, I guess. Not exactly though. I mean it is a big part of it but… I think I am in love with a girl I spent years tormenting."

"You tormented someone and you think loving is a sin?" Natalia looked completely thrown for a loop. "I will never understand people," she mumbled.

"Rachel is…"

"Rachel!" Natalia smiled. "That is the girl you were calling for. The one you thought you heard."

Quinn smiled back at her. "Yea. She is an amazing woman. She is beautiful and sweet. Despite all the torment she has been put through she holds her head high."

"So, I'm not sure I understand. If she is so wonderful why did you torment her?"

Quinn hung her head. "If I told my family how I felt about Rachel, they would disown me. And high school… it is just as cruel."

"Oh. Hmmm… Well, if you could go back, what would you do?"

Quinn gulped. What would she do? Would she change anything? Yes she would. "I would tell Rachel that I am sorry. I would beg for her forgiveness even though I don't deserve it."

"Would you tell her how you feel about her?"

"I… I don't know."

"How about your family and friends? Would you tell them you are gay?"

"I… yes. Yes, I'd be true to who I am. I mean, you really think God is okay with that."

Natalia smiled. "I know He is. Baby doll, God is love. He loves all His children. He created you. Do you feel like you chose to be gay?"

"No. I tried not to be."

She smiled. "No more than anyone else chose to be straight. No you are who you are. God loves you."