Chapter Four

The world was brilliant and nothing was ever wrong; the lights were iridescent balls of fuzz floating in the air and the atmosphere was perfect and out of focus, warm and homey; almost delirious. There were so many people around, all of them beautiful, and everything seemed euphoric.

Nico was drunk. Not a new occurrence, but he was the sort of drunk where things are perfect and infinite and unimpeachably wonderful. There was a tall man wrapped around him, he had a nice smile and beautiful mocha skin that was soft to the touch. They had been dancing now for some time, and Nico knew his name started with a 'C' but he couldn't recall it for the life of him. Their bodies were gyrating to the song playing in the background and he had lost his friends about an hour ago.

"God, you're wild." The tall, dark young man whispered in his ear. Nico stared into his coffee brown eyes and smiled hugely. He didn't have a reply, conversation had left him, he was trying to stay in the utter perfection that was his inebriation, how utopian it was, how sharp-edged and colorful things were. "Do you wanna go somewhere a little quieter?" Nico nodded and he followed behind, hand in hand, with the guy whose name was just on the tip of his tongue.

The Blue Cove was the kind of place that encouraged sex. Sex brought customers back. People would buy drinks so they could lose their inhibitions and then go back to the backrooms, so that meant that other people would pay a lot of money to get in to the club to have sex with those people, which meant that Cove could charge almost whatever they wanted for admission and for drinks. The backrooms were private booths sectioned off by black partitions, matched with black sofas and low lighting.

Nico found himself on one of these sofas, his companion whose name started with a 'C' closed the curtain so that wandering eyes wouldn't happen over them. "You're…pretty," The guy admitted as he came in more, staggering and slightly less drunk than Nico. "I mean, I know that's not a compliment for a dude, but you are. I mean, I didn't even know guys could be…I'm sorry, I'll stop talking."

Nico laughed, "No, please. No one ever tells me how attractive I am, it's nice to hear."

"Your sarcasm is duly noted," Was the reply.

"I'm serious." Nico said, all trace of humor gone from him. "I mean, my boyfriend doesn't even text me unless he wants to fuck, my fuck-buddies and I don't really talk, the boy I was madly in love with broke my heart what, four years ago? And I'm still reeling from that, so by all means, it's nice to hear."

"I've got one better for you," The guy sat down and Nico wanted to run his hands through his curly afro hair, it looked so soft and inviting. "The girl I'm in love with used me, took my virginity, broke my heart, and then ran off into the sunset because she said I wasn't ready for a relationship with her." He smirked, a drink that Nico just noticed and that he must have acquired on the way to the backrooms in his hand, "but its her decision, if she doesn't think we're right together than I can't do anything about that."

Nico smirked too, in that moment of confession he knew they were kindred souls, "I bet she was beautiful."

"Gorgeous," Was the reply. "Utterly flooring, caramel skin, long, long black hair. She had these eyes, man. Smoky and exhilarating and they made me question my own existence when she looked at me. They stripped me down to my core, and under her gaze I could see into the universe."

"She sounds dangerous, what was her name?"

"Zia Rashid." Name Starts with 'C' said. "And I liked the danger. Driving down curvy roads a hundred miles an hour, shoplifting, movie hopping, cliff diving, parasailing, we were adrenaline junkies. But, I couldn't keep up with her. She's so alien from everything I am. I'm straight laced, I'm a suit, I work in an office, my parents were archeologists that should tell you how vanilla I am."

"I don't think you're vanilla," Nico kissed his neck. "I think you just met a goddess wearing the skin of a beautiful girl, and we're just mortals. We can't keep up with the divine."

"Was that boy of yours divine?" 'C' finished his drink, he was almost laying on Nico, their lips were close and his left hand was running up and down the length of Nico's right side.

Nico shook his head, "No." He said. "He was just a boy and I was young and my heart was still soft." He pushed their heads together. "Why are you in a gay club if you had a girlfriend?"

That made 'C' smile, "Because I want to be," He said. "I can enjoy the company of a man, especially one as beautiful as you."

"Are you so forward normally, or are you just very drunk?"

"You have so many questions, but I'm usually much more reserved."

CARTER! His name was Carter. "Carter," Nico said and Carter smiled.

"Yes, Nico?" He replied, leaning down and placing his lips on Nico's and for a moment Nico was lost. Carter was an excellent kisser, he was draped between Nico's legs, one of which was hanging off the side of the couch, and he was holding the younger boy close. One arm wrapped around him and the other holding Nico's face. Carter moved down to Nico's neck, biting it, sucking at it, and biting it again.

"Carter," He said. "I am incredibly drunk."

"As am I." Carter replied.

"I'm also sixteen." Carter stopped. There was lucidity in his intoxicated eyes, a resounding sort at that. They had a staring contest for a good fifteen seconds and Carter smiled nervously.

"You're kidding, right?" He asked.

"No," Nico said pulling out his school ID and handing it to Carter. "I've been having a shitty life and I didn't even want to come to the club tonight, but my friends think it'll do me some good. And I'm already putting one guy in danger of statutory, I don't want to do the same to you."

Carter slowly untangled himself from Nico, he wiped his mouth. "You act very mature for your age." He said handing him back his school badge, which Nico put away.

"Early heartbreak, spiraling depression, multiple therapists, and a lot of drugs'll do that to you." Nico laughed. "I'm sorry if I disappointed you, I can still blow you if want me to. I give an awesome blowjob."

"That's not necessary." Carter said. "No, I'm okay; I'll just go home and jerk-off or something."

"Do you still think it?" Nico wondered, leaning back against the couch cushion, he could hear the music still and he wanted another drink because the world was losing its shiny, splendid quality.

"Think what?"

"That I'm beautiful?"

"Of course," Carter looked at him. "So very beautiful, Nico. If you had been around when I was sixteen I probably wouldn't be bi, or bi-curious, or whatever the hell I am. But I've got bad luck. Something tells me I wouldn't be able to keep up with you either." He touched Nico's cheek, caressing it slightly. "Do you know what you are?" Nico shook his head. "You're a god in the skin of a boy. Look at you, you've got this stunning, wounded thing going on with your eyes and this meek, dark, broody thing going on with your smile. I bet people fall in love with you when you walk by, I bet your break hearts without even realizing it." Carter grabbed Nico's hand. "But that doesn't mean you don't deserve happiness, either. With as magnificent as you are wounded and doe eyed I bet you're even more jaw dropping when you're happy."

Nico looked away, "You're one to console me, aren't you? You're broken, just like I am."

"I'm not as broken as you, though, Nico. What this guy did to you, it wasn't just an emotional hurt. I can see it. He didn't just break your heart he left fractures on your soul and it affects your everyday."

"Am I so see through?" Nico wondered. "Have I gotten so pathetic that instead of fucking the hot guy in the club I'm actually telling him about myself?"

"And referring to him as if he's not sitting right beside you. You think I'm hot?"

"So hot." Nico laughed, his eyes tearing up. "You wanna know something? I couldn't even remember your fucking name, I was just gonna have sex with you without knowing your name. And…I don't think I would have cared if you fucked me with or without a condom. That's how low I've gotten. I just don't care anymore. I don't know you, you could have any number of diseases, but I was just about to let you have your way with me."

"Well, one: I always carry condoms with me." Carter smirked, "two: I'm happily disease free. And three: what did I just say? Cut yourself a break, Nico. You're just a kid, you can't have all this shit figured out. I remember when I was a teenager and I was struggling to accept my bisexuality. Every day was torture, but when I realized that there was nothing wrong with me, that I wasn't the one at fault and really that there was no fault at all I finally started to feel better. That's what we always forget, when something doesn't work out it isn't necessarily our faults. You, and I, have got to learn to be happy with ourselves first."

"How fucking old are you anyway?"

"Twenty-two, a dinosaur by your standards."

"No, that's about how old my boyfriend is." Nico said. "Well, he's not my boyfriend, per se. It's a long story."

Carter smiled in a very scholarly kind of way, the kind of way that said he wasn't just smart but that he understood subtlety and subtext. Nico realized he had been blinded before by alcohol at just how attractive Carter was. His lips were full and skin colored, his nose wide, his ears pinned back. Carter had the look of a king; there was a regality in his jaw line and the expanse of his brow. He was dressed like a professor, plaid shirt, tweed vest, khaki pants and loafers – nerd chic, but Nico kind of liked it.

"Why don't we use our time back here for something productive? You can tell me everything that's eating at you and I'll listen, unbiased, the whole time. Then, we'll leave out of here and you'll probably never see me again so you won't have to worry about being embarrassed."

"And why would I do that? I've already said way too much about myself tonight and I don't know why I'm telling you any of it."

"Because," Carter said leaning against Nico. "sometimes you can tell strangers things that you don't think anyone else understands. I told you about Zia, hell, I don't even talk to my sister about Zia."

"Well I feel honored," Nico said with a small smile.

"As you should, I don't go around bestowing kindships on everyone. Now, how about we start with this asshole who couldn't see you for what you are. What's his name?"

"Percy." Nico said. "His name was Percy, and you should cut him a little slack, he was fifteen when it happened."

"Which would have made you…?" Carter asked.

"Hm, fourteen about to turn fifteen myself? I don't remember."

Carter's eyebrow arched. "You're into older men."

"Just the ones that catch my eye." Nico laughed.

Carter echoed his laughter, "Alright, well stop flirting and tell me about Percy."

Nico sighed, "He was my best friend all the way up till two years ago, we literally did everything together. I mean, I did not go a day without him. I hardly went an hour without him around. He was like my air, I guess. If he wasn't around I just wasn't right, almost like I was dead. I had this horrible realization that I was in love him, and it terrified me down to my bones. Like, the thought of him hating me because I had fallen for him sat at the bottom of my stomach like sludge. And, of course being the red blooded, All-American boy that he is he started telling me about girls and I was supposed to understand because I was his best friend. We were supposed to, I don't know, go out looking for chicks—do people still call girls chicks?"

"Bit sexist nowadays," Carter said with that smile of his, "and a little antiquated, but continue."

"Well, anyway. One day he and I are in our treehouse, because that's where we always were, and he's telling me about this girl and I don't even remember her name now because I've decided that today is the day I'm going to tell him. I've decided that today is the day I'm going to confess my love for him. But he keeps going on and on about her and I got mad. I got so mad that I started yelling at him, and then before I can stop myself I'm basically sticking my tongue down his throat."

"Bad move," Carter added.

"Very bad. And, if you can't tell, I'm pretty horrible with emotions—,"

"They're very much a symptom of being alive, no one's good with them."

"—so I'm, like, crying before he can even reject me because I can see it in his eyes. He's fucking disgusted with me. And then he's yelling at me and I ran away. I ran away from him because I think a part of me felt like it was true. I was disgusted too, at myself. He had every right to be mad at me, every right. I burst into my house, and I can't see anything because I'm crying so hard, and there's snot and stuff running down my face and my mom jumps up from reading her book and she asks me what's wrong, and I stammer it out.

"Well she gets this look on her face, my mom does, and like the fucking boss she is, she takes me into the bathroom, cleans my face and tells me to wait right there. I can hear her on the phone and she's talking to Percy's dad, who was a scary dude, and she's cussing at him and basically telling him that Percy had better come apologize. I had never heard my mother cuss until then. But, basically Percy's dad says no, and our families used to be really close but I guess I sort of threw that out of the window. Eventually it gets to the point where we can't even be civil neighbors anymore and my parents decide to move here.

"But like I said, Percy was the air I breathed. You might call it withdrawal that I was going through, and am still going through, because he was infused in my fucking DNA. It might be unhealthy how much I need him, but that's the truth of it. He was spiraled and threaded into my deoxyribonucleic acid right along with hydrogen and oxygen and carbon and phosphorous and he was just ripped right out of me. It hurt so fucking bad. It still hurts so bad. Now my parents don't know what to do with me, they're sending me to a child psychiatrist. My sister's probably already told them about my cutting, and my pill abuse, and the fact that my not-boyfriend is six or seven years older than me." Nico sighed again, he had never put it to so many words. He had talked himself to sobriety "So yeah, that's my life, sad as it is."

Carter leaned in and kissed Nico's forehead, "You're stronger than I am." He said.

"Mm." Nico made a noncommittal noise.

"I know, I know. That sentiment is overused and has absolutely no meaning left, but I think you are. You are strong, Nico. You've weathered through this and you're still standing, doesn't matter how battered or bruised you are, it just matters that you haven't let it beat you yet. Instead of laying down and letting it happen you refused and kept going. Doesn't matter what reason, doesn't matter what you did to yourself, you kept going and I fucking applaud you." Nico blinked. He did so again because his brain was processing, how could he be expected to respond to that? He looked at Carter who had such a fervor in his eyes that all Nico could do was nod. "I'm glad you agree," Carter said standing up and grabbing Nico by the arm. "Now I think it's way past your bed time. You and your friends need to get out of here, man."

Carter pushed back the curtain and pulled Nico along with him. "Wait." Nico said. They stopped. "Can I ask for one more favor?" Carter turned around and Nico pulled him down into a kiss. Carter didn't pull away, he kissed him back, smirking into it until it finally broke.

"Hell of a favor," Carter grinned.

"If I really never get to see you again then I want to at least say I kissed one good guy in my life, is all." Nico said. "I don't even know, you've blown my fucking mind."

"There are a lot of good guys out there, Nico. Don't let one bad experience with love ruin them all. You're too good for that."

"You don't even know me, Carter." But Carter's smile wouldn't let him even say that without looking away.

"I know you well enough now, Nico. I know you're too good to be so sad. It is my firm belief that everyone deserves to be happy." Carter grabbed him by the hand this time, "Now come on." When they were back in the main part of the club they were almost immediately confronted by one Frank Zhang.

"Oh, thank God. There you are." Frank heaved a heavy sigh of relief. "You ran off."

"I did not," Nico objected. "We just got separated. Luckily, I met this dude."

"Carter," Carter introduced.

"F-Frank," Frank replied shaking hands with him.

"You sixteen too, then, Frank?" Carter asked, amusement flickering in his eye the moment Frank blushed. "I'll take that as a yes; go round up everyone else I'll walk you guys out."

"Rachel and Leo are outside, they thought you might have gone to the car." Frank said.

"You guys worry too much," Nico said offhandedly.

"No." Frank countered, "No we don't. Are you ready to go?" Nico smiled minutely, because Frank was such a good friend to have been worried about him.

"Yeah," He said. "Let's go." So all three of them walked to the door, Frank casually staring Carter down and Nico smirking even more to himself because it was always funny when Frank found someone attractive. When they got outside Leo and Rachel both looked up and then looked relieved to see Nico. "Hi guys,"

"What happened to the buddy system, dumbass?" Rachel greeted. "If we all get separated you try to stay with Leo and Frank stays with me, it's not a hard thing to work out."

"It happens," Nico answered. "I was in the back with Carter." Instinctively Rachel looked over his shoulder.

"Well hello."

Carter rolled his eyes and shook his head, "This is all of you guys?" He asked.

"Yeah," Nico said. "These are my friends."

"You guys are good to drive? Or should I drop you off?"

"Depends. Your place or mine?" Leo wondered.

"Wow." Carter couldn't help but laugh. "You're a very forward thinking group of youngsters, I'll give you that. But, seriously, you guys are okay to drive?"

"I'm good, if no one else is." Nico said.

"Alright, cool. I'm getting out of here too, it's pretty late." Carter ran a hand through Nico's hair. "Take it easy, kid. Remember what we talked about, m'kay?"

"Alright, it was good to meet you Carter." Nico said, he was pretty fond of the guy. Standing there with his friends they watched Carter walk away.

"We could be mad at you," Rachel said. "but instead I want to hear every last detail about that young man."

"Please be very specific." Leo chimed in.

"Shh!" Frank said. "I'm still staring at his ass as he saunters away."

"He was pretty perfect," Nico said with a grin.

"Did you guys…?" Leo asked.

"Nah," Nico admitted. "In my drunken stupor I told him I was sixteen, he backed off. We talked for the rest of the time and that was pretty cool."

"Did you get his number?" Rachel wondered.

"Can I have it if you're not gonna use it?" Frank asked.

"No and no." Nico said, still grinning. "Guess it was just one of those things that happens just the once."

"Someone's got a crush," Rachel said with a smile.

"I'm just appreciative. He called me beautiful."

"And you didn't sleep with him? You're losing your touch, man."

Nico shrugged, "Is that really such a bad thing?" He looked at all of them, the sun was beginning to come up. "Come on, you guys can crash at my place." They hopped in Leo's jeep, the old thing purring to life as soon as the key was turned.

Sometimes Percy dreamed. It wasn't an every night sort of thing, but when he did they were normally dreams he would wake up from sweating and with tears in his eyes.

Tonight was like that.

He had gone to bed a seventeen, almost eighteen, year old eleventh grader and had been magically transformed in his unconscious to a fifteen year old standing in front of someone who used to be his best friend.

Even in his memories Nico looked like a little cherub. He had always had those watery eyes and those rosy cheeks that made everything in Percy want to protect him. That sense of protection swelled over him looking back through the years, something he should have squashed a long time ago.

Back when they were friends Nico had made Percy feel funny, strange even. He had caused certain reactions that were only supposed to be warranted by female company to arise in him.

Those feelings had scared Percy to no end. The way he heard his father talking about "queers" and his hatred of them told Percy that it was wrong to feel that way. It was just wrong. So he ignored it to the best of his ability, he didn't want to leave Nico alone completely—he couldn't do that, Nico was his best friend after all and they really needed each other. So instead he treated Nico like he was very fragile, and in Percy's mind Nico was fragile. He was bullied almost daily by Luke Castellan, the local golden boy and his gang of older boys. Nico had always been small for his age anyway, and it didn't really help that Percy grew so fast and his friend just dwindled in size before his very eyes.

And Percy…well, he just needed Nico around. Nico made his chest all tight and warm and fuzzy, and he made his heart flutter and they had so much fun together, and Percy wouldn't outright admit it but sometimes he would think that Nico was prettier than any girl.

But that's what terrified him. He couldn't think those things about another boy. His dad would hate him, his mom probably would too but she wouldn't say anything aloud about it. That's the kind of woman his mother was, she would never want to make him feel unwanted even if she didn't want him. He loved her so dearly and he never wanted her to feel like that, and he admired his father so much. It really hurt that he couldn't be happy with his thoughts of Nico being sweet and lovely and one of the best things to wander into his life and have a good family life too.

It seemed impossible.

The dream, though, is what Percy was focused on mostly. That time Nico had kissed him still haunted him, those lips like a fever so hot pressed against his, and the sense of urgency, in the kiss it was almost like Nico was begging for something and it was definitely something Percy couldn't give him.

"Hello, Percy, Earth to Percy," He blinked.

Percy Jackson was almost eighteen, not that that really mattered because he still had a year to go in high school. He thanked his mom for starting him late just about every day. He was tall, he guessed, since he stopped off at about six-foot-one. He blinked his sea green eyes at his friend Grover, who was much taller than him, again and then eloquently said, "What?" To which Grover rolled his eyes.

"You've been spacing for like half an hour, man." He replied. Grover had a very hippie sort of look to him. His hair was shaggy and the thin goatee around his mouth just screamed "flower child" but Percy enjoyed his company. They were night and day, really, Percy was the captain of both the football team and the soccer team, he was second for the swim team, and kept an extremely busy schedule. Grover, on the other hand, was a mellow sort of guy who kept Percy grounded to the world around them.

Grover had hair that was the same color as tree bark, and eyes that were so dark they were black. His skin was olive toned and if he shaved he might have even been handsome considering that facial hair wasn't for everyone—it was definitely not for him. He perpetually smelled of patchouli, but the art room always smelled like that and since that's where Grover hung out the most it was no small wonder, and his clothes had a "never been washed, already been worn," sort of quality to them.

A person would be hard pressed to find Grover without his crotched Rastafarian skull cap and Percy had the sneaking suspicion that his friend was into things that were a little more illegal on this coast than they were on the West. But, even if he was he always seemed to be sober any time he and Percy hung out.

"Sorry," Percy smiled. "I was just thinking."

"Thinking? That's not like you at all." Grover pulled an astonished face then smiled when Percy punched his arm, "What? You gotta get to practice or something?" They were sitting in Percy's bedroom watching T.V., well Grover was watching it Percy had been lost in memories of a time gone long by.

"No, nothing like that, just…" He sighed. "It's nothing."

"Sounds like something to me, brother." Grover replied wisely. "You know you can tell G-man what the problem is." Then he sat up and leaned a little closer, "Or better yet, who the problem is? Annabeth finally getting on your nerves?"

"What? No!" Percy's girlfriend Annabeth was…she could be a bit high strung sometimes. But that was only because she had a lot on her plate. The Young Genius Society of America was constantly evaluating her success in school and if she wasn't getting Ivy League letters every day she would throw herself headlong into studying for hours and hours at a time.

"Then what the problem is, bro?" Grover asked. Percy looked up and out of his window, something that for the past almost three years he had forbidden himself from doing. The house across the street was just as empty as it had been since…since then. "Your neighbors bothering you?" Grover wondered.

"No, no one lives there anymore." Percy responded. He had moved on with his life, it was for the best. That's why he had a girlfriend, that's why he tried so hard in school and had all of his extracurricular activities.

It was for the best.

He studied hard even when his dyslexia tried to kick in and the words on the pages would jumble but, he would squeeze his eyes shut tight and force himself to focus, if that didn't work he would put the book down for a few minutes and come back to it later.

"Come on, Perce, you gotta confide in me. Who else you gonna tell, Luke Castellan? Connor Stoll? Your other sports buddies?" It was true, Percy was friends with a lot of the schools athletes, every quarterback needed his running back and wide receiver. A lot had changed since junior high. But, it wasn't like he and the guys actually shared things together, unless they were sports stats, RBIs, or how many homeruns during a season Pujols had gotten, stuff like that.

"I was just thinking about an old friend is all," Percy said. "He moved away."

Grover nodded, happy to finally have gotten the information, "You guys still keep in touch?"

"No, I'm pretty sure he hates me. Let's leave it at that." Percy replied.

"Fair enough," Grover said stretching languidly, his bones popping in all the right places causing him to groan in appreciation. Pulling a cell phone out of his pocket he must have checked a message because the next moment he looked up and said, "Oh, I gotta split, my lady wants me to come over. Text me later, buddy." They slapped hands together in way of parting and Percy watched Grover go, sighing to himself he stood when he was sure the tall young man was gone and he closed the blinds. He stood beside the window for a moment; he should have never looked out of it.

There was a knock at the doorframe, two quick, precise taps. "Hey, champ, saw Grover left." He looked over his shoulder. Standing there where his father used to stand was another man; he had thick, black, horn-rimmed glasses that sat just in front of his intelligent grass-green eyes. His face was relatively young looking, though he had recently celebrated his forty-fourth, and Percy could look him in the eye as they were the same height. His name was Paul Blofis, and he was engaged to Percy's mother. He had windswept blond hair and an expressive brow, one that drew together when he saw the look on Percy's face. "You okay?"

Paul was a smart dresser—well, dorky in Percy's opinion, but the cardigan laid over top of the all white button down and the ironed black slacks accompanied with the shiny black loafers looked nice on him. For the past year now he and Sally had been dating and then they made it official after surprisingly asking for Percy's permission. Paul tried to be fatherly, but it was very obvious that he didn't have children. Still, Percy appreciated that he tried. His biological father had moved out at the end of Percy's ninth grade year and his parents had divorced that Summer.

Pushing away from the wall he sat on the bed, "Yeah, I'm okay." He answered. "Just kind of want to be alone for a while." Paul nodded and smiled in a way that made the skin around his eyes crinkle.

"Okay, well you know where I am if you want to talk." He said. Percy nodded back at him and then sat on the window nook that used to seem so much bigger. He pulled his knees up to his chest.

If he could take it all back, he thought to himself, he would. But, he quickly pushed the thought out of his head. He couldn't be bothered to dwell on the past, he had homework to do. Then he had to schedule some drills for his teams, and if he was lucky Annabeth would be free and he might take her to see a movie.

He had to keep busy.

Always busy.

Author's Notes: This was an emotionally exhaustive chapter. I don't think I'll ever be right after writing it. Ugh.