A/N Once again, thanks for the many favorites and alerts but especially to the reviewers who took time to comment on chapter three. jhuikmn08, Julefor, isinkintohearts, KeyLimePie14, XxcoupleMseddieX, thank you all. Your comments and insights are appreciated. While I don't do team writing your reactions and responses help me improve the final product.

A special tip of the helm to jhuikmn08 who provided some key direction and even text for this draft.

Fourth draft. This is it, I think he's done. It's getting muddy and slow—fatter than I like, really. Time to choose. At some point you have to either say, "I'm gonna send this," or "no, nothing to be gained by going public." In Freddie's case the life he saves may be his own.

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly. Dan Schneider does, and I've figured out which one of you he is. Shame, Schneider, lurking to harvest ideas. You'd never catch WhiteKnightro living vicariously through another writer's creations.

iCan't Send This

Chapter Four: Fourth Draft

To: hamfan

From: Fbenson

Subject: On My Mind

Lady Sam,

This letter was supposed to be perfect, but after working on it for a week I'm pretty sure it isn't. I think I have to stop now. Sometimes I have these dreams where I'm in school and my whole grade is riding on this one assignment that I can't get right. This letter is like that. I need to get it right, but perfect is off the table. This letter started out as one thing and it kind of went somewhere else. I think that's what you and I are doing. If you remember nothing else from this letter remember this:

I'm so happy I think I'm going to be continued in another Freddie somewhere, but this has to be about both of us, YOU and me. I'm sorry if anything here makes you mad or worse, sad. Mad Sam I can handle. Sad Sam is way harder for me. When I think of you being sad I feel it in my chest, I want to change everything to make it better. I've felt that way since the whole Missy thing. I didn't know why then, but I understand better now.

If I sent the previous drafts of this letter you'd probably throw me under the first truck that came along. I think you will only break my arm when you read this one. It has a lot of stuff that will make you mad, but I can't be scared that you'll break my arm—I don't think you would do that anymore- but I don't want you mad at me either. It isn't that you being mad at me isn't something I'm used to, I just want us to agree that whatever we fight about, it isn't more important than what we are doing now. Which is pretty weird if you think about it, I mean, you and I have always had a well, we tend to be on different sides, publicly, but inside, I think we are a lot alike. I see you rolling your eyes, Sam, stop it.

I actually like arguing with you about almost anything. It's always fun, even when you conclude or start the argument with some kind of assault and battery. But now I look at your eyes when we square off. Your eyes flash when you're mad, did you know that? An angry Sam is so hard not to look at. I look at you a lot now, I stare a lot, I love to watch you walk, and I think that's weird too. But I can't stop, ether. I think I get the exotic bacon thing.

I'm really confused Sam. I'm trying to figure out where I am, where we are in this. I know how you don't like it when I think, when I explain things like the shatterproof glass in the basement that time we were prisoners, but it's something I do. Just like you have to pick the lock to Carly's apartment even though you have a key, or how you don't eat the crust of a pizza slice until you stuff it with meat. Does it drive me nuts sometimes? Sure it does, but it's part of the package. You get with someone you get all of that person, the crust and the meat.

We've been dating a few weeks now. Sam Puckett and Freddie Benson are dating. That's like saying Batman and the Catwoman are going to work together to end world hunger. I'm Batman in that picture by the way. You will probably call me the Dork Knight. The first time I wrote that you were the Joker, but Catwoman and Batman have more of a frenemies thing going on. Hey, you wanted to date a geek, Puckett.

Thanks for kissing me that night.

Not the first kiss, our first kiss with anybody, but the one during the lock-in. I didn't know how to feel about when it happened. If I could do it again, I'd kiss you back, but I wasn't sure what you were doing. I kinda thought you might have been setting me up, doing something on a crazy dare, I dunno, something. I mean, Sam, you checked yourself into a facility because you saw how—well you had some doubts. When I asked you about it you told me you hated me and liked me with just about the same breath.

Thanks for keeping kissing me. I don't know if you are enjoying it, but you keep coming back so that has to mean something because you don't do things you don't like to do. You say what you want. I don't know if I can ever do that, but I hope I can. I don't know where this "we" thing we have become is going, but I think it's special and I want it to last.

Did you ever think we would kiss so much? I mean, after that first kiss it was back to the game. Man, kissing you is really, really cool. Not just because you're pretty, but, well, I've only kissed a few girls, but it feels special with you, I don't want to compare it to anything else. And, well, how many guys have you kissed? I wonder about that sometimes and I tell myself it's none of my business, but I think that it is becoming my business, and I don't get that at all. I used to know the rules and I don't anymore.

I never expected to be in this place. Not with you. I expected to be with, well for a while I thought it would be Carly, but this, this, it's pretty cool. It's way cool. Cooler than I ever thought I'd get to.

You know I don't have a lot of experience with girls, I mean I've had a few dates and I can talk to girls better than I used to, but I never thought I'd end up with someone like you. I mean you rock, you and I when we are together we kind of –fit. I don't think we are different at all. Crazy as it sounds I think we are a lot alike. When I was chasing after Carly it seemed like she was the right type, y'know? Good grades, college bound, being pretty was a bonus, but when we dated for that hour or whatever it was, it was, empty or something. You knew that. You are wicked smart Sam Puckett, in ways that standardized tests can't measure.

You are pretty amazing to me in so many ways. You are funny. I've never told you that. You are creative, some of the best iCarly bits have been yours. The other night we were watching that awful movie, I like bad movies for some reason, but watching them with you was, like, wow. You made watching them so fun. I tried my best to keep up with you, but dude, you are quick. It was like every dumb thing those characters did you had something to say. I knew I couldn't keep up, so I just kept feeding you facts about the actors and directors and you just ran with it.

You are also really strong. I'm not referring to that proportionate strength of a spider thing you have going on, but you have an inner muscle that I really envy. I admire you. You do things that I would never do, and because I've been with you I got the benefit of being around that strength. Jumping out of a plane (okay, you pushed me but I would have jumped on my own, eventually) staying in that roach motel, breaking into the photo studio, confronting the Dingo writers that were swiping our stuff, I would never do those things. You break the rules a lot and you get things done. I think I'm learning a lot from being around you.

Surviving your mom. My mom is her own kind of handful, but when I met your mom, when I see what you have grown up with, I see how incredible you are. I want things to be better for you. I want to invent a time machine and go back and make your dad stay. I want to tell him how incredible you are and how he should stay so he can see you grow into this wild, exciting person who, I really think is going to make a difference in life, I know because she has made a huge difference in mine.

That rap you did at Kenan Thomson's house was incredible. My point is, you keep reaching inside yourself and pulling out these moments. Sometimes I want to shout how amazing you are. I never knew I felt that way. I don't think I've ever felt that way about anyone.

On the Internet I found the video of the pageant you won. I should have been there that night. You can dance, Sam. I can't dance. I mean I can stand and do that slow shuffle thing, but nothing that takes any kind of rhythm and coordination. Would you be interested ever in dancing well with me? I'd do the work. I'd work hard to dance well with you.

We are a couple, I think. Yeah, I'm almost sure of it. And I have to tell you I NEVER thought those words would apply to you and me. Don't get me wrong, I like it, and that's part of why I'm writing. I like dating you, I like YOU, more than I ever thought I could when doing the show or being tricked, or slapped or pelted with objects. I'm still kinda cheesed about the electric shock pen that dropped me, but, anyway, I never thought of you and me like that, y'know, the good way?

I've never asked you when you started liking me. Something that scares me and I never want to tell you this, I wonder if this came on so suddenly maybe it will go away the same way. I really hope not, because I like this. I like it a lot.

I want to cook for you sometime. I have a lot of recipes that I found on the Net. I'm not too bad. My mom works some pretty crazy shifts at the hospital so I had to learn to fix stuff for me and then her. I can rock spaghetti crust pie, and my hamburger casserole came in second place in a contest mom entered it in. I use sweet Vidalia onions and ricotta cheese which I added on my own. I was very proud of that. That night on our first date you made a sound with the food. I was jealous that something could produce that. I wanted to do that. Yep, I was jealous of a plate of pasta. Maybe I need to go to Troubled Waters.

All my life I've been pretty sure what I was going to do. I'm a nerd and I'm going to college to do some nerd thing. You have shaken all that up. Sometimes I look at you laughing with Carly, drinking an Uber Blueberry Blast (how do you do that? Why don't you weigh 300 pounds? But I will keep buying them for you, because they seem to make you happy, and you being happy has become super important to me) anyway, I see you sleeping on the couch or watching TV and I see my life as this whole other thing with limitless possibilities. When I'm with you I think, _If I can be with this wild, gorgeous lady, there isn't anything I can't do._ You are a lady Sam. I'll take a butter sock to anyone who says otherwise. I know you don't need me to protect you, but I would do that.

I'm pretty confused these days and I like that. I mean, I have to plan stuff and lay out what I'm going to do. It's like putting the show together, or designing computer code. It has to be structured. You aren't like that. I can't put you in an If, Then, Else, statement because you do things that I don't always see as even possible.

I'm really surprised to be sitting across from you some nights or side by side watching TV. Like I said, I look at you a lot. The other night you fell asleep on me when we were watching the download of the new _McGroin_ movie. I can't believe you had me download copyrighted material. That's a crime, but it was fun. And I made you smile. I broke the law and made you smile. I'd do it again for sure.

I don't know what happened in _McGroin_ because I sat there and I watched you sleep. You took these tiny breathes and I noticed your skin. I looked at the pores and I touched your cheek, so smooth. You have beautiful skin, Sam. I know, guys who talk that way usually offer candy then open their raincoats, but hey, break the Freddie arm of your choice. Then get this, I whispered your name, "Samantha" and you smiled. That smile of yours is becoming something I, wow. I'm getting carried away here. Anyway I watched you breathe, Sam, I don't know how long we did that, but, I felt so much that night: Warm, strong, safe, confident, fragile, part of something.

What's your ship? Remember when Carly made us watch TwiBlood? She said she was looking for ideas, for the show, but she sure did shush us a lot. And thanks for coming up with the idea of me as the vampire. Man, the women really dig it when I do that guy. But I've pretty much stopped, so no worries. Although if you see Janice Bruckner she's kinda stalking me about it.

Anyway, I can't see how any woman could resist the wolf dude. When he and what's-her-name were building the bikes they had something, like when you and I work on a show. Sam, if wolf-guy showed up shirtless in the rain and you said to me, "I have to go with him" I'd hold the door for you. I get it. I don't get what women see in vampire guy, what did you call him? "Fish belly white"? Did you pick me as him because you were attracted to me then? How did you know I could do it? Are you attracted to him? Would I really let you go with shirtless wolf guy? No. No way.

Man, I DO think too much.

Butter. I sound like a girl. I mean, I'm a guy, and we are supposed to be a certain way. And I am that way, but I have these other thoughts and feelings that don't seem guy-like and I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear that stuff from me. But I want to say them. If I don't tell you, how will you know? I mean, friends tell each other things, and we are friends, I'm pretty sure of that now, I wasn't always. But you don't want to know, you like me a certain way, but what if I'm not the way you think I am? You and I played a game for a long time and I learned the rules, but this new game, I'm loving it, but I don't understand it.

To be clear, I'm not a coward, Sam. No man could be with you and be a coward. I just can't tell you when I'm afraid. I know you don't respect fear. And honestly nothing much scares me these days except you. Not the old way, when we were kids and you'd beat me up, I learned how to take a pounding and get back up. Thanks hon (that feels weird to say). I'm dating someone who used to beat me up. So glad it's you and not what's-his-name who made quarterback. What scares me is what if we aren't going where I think this could go. And going there scares me too.

Okay, so, here's the first thing on my mind: Panties. I know you don't like the word, but, man, how do I type this? I've been thinking about panties. I mean, your…panties. I swear I don't mean this in a dirty way, my heart is beating so fast right now. I'm thinking thoughts that I never, that well, sure I think those thoughts, I'm a guy, but I never thought them about you. I mean, you are pretty, shoosh, you are way past pretty. That night at the lock-in when I was looking you in the eye it was like I turned a corner and suddenly you were there looking the same, but totally different too. I don't get it. It's why some people write poetry I guess. Anyway I'm getting away from your panties, uhm, well, I don't mean it that way, but I never thought these kinds of thoughts about you before, I probably should have, I feel like maybe I wasted some time.

So, panties, the other day in the studio you bent over to pick up some cables and I looked down at your back, and, I, uhm, I don't think you were wearing, I could see…

Yes I was looking at your, well you have a great, not big or anything, but fantastic… It's not wrong to look at that part of you. I think I can do that now can't I? I mean you are more than just a perfect…

Panties. You don't wear panties-at least not that day. That is your business, not mine, but, like I said before, I love to watch you walk, Sam, and lately I keep thinking about you walking around in panties.

There! I think that makes me a pervy, scurvy, dude but I needed you to know what kind of guy you are falling asleep by. It wouldn't be right for you not to know.

I'm sending this after the Dairy Cramps concert on Saturday—I bought the tickets already.

So, one down. If you are still reading, here's the next thing, and it's really important. I've been thinking about where this "we" thing is going. What if we do something and we can't go back? I mean that.

Do you remember Sherry Collins and Mike Sultan? The couple that found each other in 7th grade and were great together, inseparable, until two months ago when she got pregnant? Okay, they got pregnant, he was there too. I was in a room with them last week and they were awful together. Mean, angry, cruel. I can't get it out of my head. I don't want that to be us.

Not the pregnancy thing. I don't want that either, not right now, well, you know what I'm saying. I'm talking about the mean thing. Our mean can't be real Sam. Not now. We have been friends for a long time. Because I thought you hated me I wasn't worried that our friendship was in any kind of jeopardy (I never want to explain that last sentence to anyone, ever). But now that we are a couple, we are different. I don't want to go back, but going forward looks like that rope in the gym that coach makes us climb during PE finals. I can climb the rope, but when I look down, that fall looks so hard.

The other night when we got back from eating at Nacho Business we tried to watch the end of _McGroin_ and I don't remember what happened on the screen, but I will never forget what you and I were doing, what I saw, what I felt. I've never been drunk in my life but I think that must be what it feels like because I was not who I think I am.

I would never hurt you Sam, but that guy I was that night. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I mean you weren't complaining, you seemed excited, kinda drunk too. But you have become something else to me in a really short time. I don't know what is bigger than best friend, but you are there, and I don't know what to do.

Here's my big problem: What if you don't feel the same way?

If finding out I'm a skeevy guy, like every guy I've ever been in a locker room with (and thanks for getting me out of that locker that one time—Uhm, why were you in the guy's locker room?), anyway, if the fact that I'm a perv, and kind of scared, if you read this and think, _this chizstick is not worth mama's time_ I understand.

Thanks again for having the courage to kiss me that night. Kissing you has made some big differences in my life.

This letter isn't perfect. I would change lots of things about it if I were smarter or had an editor or something. In fact I'd change lots of things: the last three chapters of Galaxy Wars; Objective C so it didn't lock me into the Pear OS; I'd change Biggs into a nicer teacher. The only thing I wouldn't change is you, Sam. I honestly can't think of a thing that isn't right.

Bet your sitting there doing that Hip Hop voice you do where you say, "He's so stooopid."

Thinking (too much) about you, Freddie.

web address: icarlyDOTcom

"These aren't the 'noids you're looking for"—Nug Nug.

You are Freddie Benson and you have worked for a week composing this letter. You move the pointer over the Send button and you wait there. You aren't sure how long. You sit back in the chair in your room and take a deep breath. Your hands are shaking. You look around at all the toys and models and posters of heroes who take a chance, who do the right thing, who go against the odds and risk everything. You smile because you know more than ever that that is fantasy.

You click send. You do it because it is for her. She has to know where you are. She deserves the best you can give her. You will never do less.

It is almost five full minutes before your stomach feels like a weasel is trying to claw its way out and you are sure you are the biggest, dork/nub/ dishrag that has ever walked the rainy streets of Seattle.

"What did I do?" you say aloud to the room filled with the artifacts of your childhood. Items that are part of you forever, and yet somehow, being left behind.

A/N Yeah, he sent it. He's no coward. He may be the bravest guy I know-next to me anyway, but that's a standard you can't hold anyone to.

The above was my original ending, but then I thought, You bring these good people on board then kick them off in the middle of nowhere? No. On this train faith will be rewarded. So, the next chapter is Sam's response. Nobody should work this hard on a piece of writing and not get a review :)