Chapter 4: Loveless
My face felt like it was on fire, my heart was ready to burst, my throat was dry, I had started to shake all over, my emotions had gone mad as I awaited his answer. There was a long, awkward pause in which I suspected that he hadn't heard me, however after a few minutes, he looked me in the eyes, raised his brows slightly and said, "Grell? What did you just say?"
"I-I-I-I…" I attempted, but my voice trailed off. His golden eyes sparkled in the candlelight. I looked into them longingly, for they were the very key to my soul. I was losing my composure, I felt like pudding, ready to faint at any moment. My knees felt as if they would give out, I had almost lost control of myself. Still, he sat, staring at me with those gorgeous eyes. It was hard to tell just what he was thinking because his expression remained the same.
Finally, after a few moments, he began to talk. "I love you too, Grell." he started, his soothing voice only made my body shudder more, "You're like the brother that I never had. You are more than just my faithful butler, you are my trusted and loyal friend and advisor." His words buzzed in my ears. He just said he loved me, but as a brother or friend. He didn't understand what I meant, I must make him understand, I thought. A sudden rush of passion overwhelmed me as I leaned forward to look at him face on. I had completely forgotten my place as his butler. I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't hide my true feelings any further.
I took one more look into those mesmorizing honey colored eyes, held his face in my hands and lunged forward, placing my lips against his. I could feel his long lashes against my cheeks as he blinked his eyes in surprise. All of my feelings were surfacing. I was lost to the moment. I wanted more. I wanted to kiss him forever, touch him all over, feel his arms around me, for him to return my love that I had tried to hide all these years. My heart pulsed with my mad desires so loudly and furiously, that he probably could hear it too. I continued with the kiss, becoming a bit more aggressive than I should have, forcing my tongue into his mouth. I thrashed it about, taking in his sweet taste. I wanted more.
In my wild, passionate desires, I had grown a bit bolder, as I ran my hands down his neck to his shoulders, our lips still connected. More, more, I want to feel more! My mind shouted as I let my hands push further down his sides, sliding from his shoulders, to his hips, then to his thighs. I could feel myself becoming quite excited, I pushed my hands closer and closer, until I had reached his area; I had been dreaming of this moment for the last two years. All forms of personal restraint had gone out the window as I began to fondle him gently with the palm of my right hand, still holding onto his thigh with my left. It must have been his pure shock that had let me get this far without him trying to stop me, he hadn't tried to resist me at all until he finally snapped back to reality and pushed me off. As I stood back up, the expression in his eyes had changed. Where once were eyes filled with love and respect, now were eyes filled with disgust.
"What on earth did you do to me!?" He shouted. "You are my butler, not my lover! And furthermore, you are a man, just like me. When I said I loved you, I did not mean it in this manner! All these years, I confided in you. I trusted you. And this is what you do?" I noticed that his eyes glittered as if he were holding back tears. "Know your place, servant!", he snapped in an angry voice that I had never heard from him. His words stung, resonating in my ears, playing over and over on repeat.
Confusion, embarrassment, self hatred, all of my emotions seemed to have reached their limits. I no longer had the power to do anything. My heart had shattered into a million pieces. Though I knew all along that my love would not be returned, I still had a small shred of hope that he felt something. Tears began to stream from my eyes. This was the end, I thought to myself, still standing by his bed, sobbing softly in the awkward silence. Many minutes passed until I felt a soft hand touch my arm.
"Grell," he began in his soft and gentle voice once more, "I think it would be best for the both of us if we keep this a secret. In exchange for this, I will not punish you. Instead, I will be transferring you to work at another estate. They are a family aquaintance who is in need of extra help. As I stated before, I love you as a friend or brother, but nothing more. I am a man; not just any man, but an Earl." I sniffled as I wipped away my tears with the back of my glove. The shock and alarm from before had diminished, his voice was soothing and loving. "I will send you over tomorrow. I think this is for the best."