Life with Naruto
Disclaimer: I totally own Naruto… wait, what are you doing?! No, don't take Sasu-hime away!! ARGGGH FINE! I totally DON'T own Naruto!!
Chapter Four: The One with the Sasu-hime Arc in it Somewhere…
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"Luke," Naruto said solemnly, "I am your father!"
"NO!" Sasuke gasped, "I'll never turn to the dark side!"
"You sure? We have capes! And cookies!"
"Not for all the chocolate chip, macadamia nut goodness in the galaxy!"
"Then, young Skywalker…you. Shall. DIE!!" Naruto attacked with his plastic light saber.
"Bzzt, bzzt!" Sasuke yelled.
Sai blinked. "Sakura-san, is this what they call playacting?"
Sakura sighed. "No Sai. This is what they call cosplaying."
"The difference being…?"
"GWAHAHAHAHA"
"Dobe you baka! That's not how Darth laughs!"
"A little more insane, a little less mundane," Sakura smiled.
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"You will call me the Fear!" Naruto told Sasuke. The Uchiha appraised him critically. He knew letting Naruto watch so much WWF had been a bad idea.
"The
Fear is what you shall call me!" Naruto repeated.
"No."
"I am the Fear!"
"You," Sasuke informed him, "Are the usura-tonkachi of Konohagakure."
Naruto blinked back tears his lower lip trembling. "You're mean!"
Sasuke showed him the finger.
"I'm telling sensei!" Naruto wailed.
Sasuke sighed. "Tattletale."
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"Rawr!" Naruto said, poking his roommate. Sasuke tutted. "What now?"
"I'm a tiger! I have a tiger in me, dattebayo!" Naruto said proudly, poking him again, "Rawr!"
"Kyuubi's a fox, you dope."
"Oh. What do foxes say?"
Sasuke
smirked. "They go…peeee-niiiiii-sssss."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"Peeee-niiiiii-sssss…"
(Bear in mind it's an English word…and they're speaking Japanese, heh)
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Sasuke flopped onto his sofa, picked up the remote, pointed it at the blank patch of wall, and clicked.
The wall remained blank.
"Naruto?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"Where's the TV?"
He shuffled into the room, looking guilty as sin. "I ate it because I was hungry…?"
"Naruto…" Sasuke warned.
"Or…I sold it on eBay for ramen money?"
"Naruto," Sasuke sighed, "All the chakra in the world can't fix what I'm about to do to you."
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"Sasuke, look! I brought us a cat!"
Sasuke blinked at the ugly grey mass in his best friend's arms.
"Why…"
"She was in the alley, all alone and defenseless! Kids were throwing stones at her," Naruto said, teary-eyed, "All alone…no one to care about her…no one to acknowledge her…just like I was…"
Sasuke sighed. When Naruto pulled out the loneliness card, it was too hard to refuse. "OK…we can keep her."
"YAY! I'm gonna call you Sasu-hime!"
Sasuke twitched. "What?"
Naruto made puppy eyes. "For my best friend, my first bond!"
"Iruka-sensei was your first bond, baka."
"Sasu-him! Lemme give you a kiss!"
Sasuke gagged quietly. He hated that cat already.
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"Sakura-chan!"
Naruto banged on his teammate's door, "Sakura-chan, can I borrow
some girls' shampoo!?"
A sleepy kunoichi opened the door,
holding a bottle of Herbal Essence. "Shampoos are unisexual," she
told him, "Why do you need to come all the way down the street to
borrow some?"
"I need girl shampoo," Naruto insisted, "I'm giving Sasu-hime a bath!"
Sakura's
heart nearly stopped. "WHAT?!"
"My cat, Sasu-hime,"
Naruto explained.
"Ohthankgod."
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"Sasu-hime!" Naruto scolded, "Don't shed on the couch, Sasu-teme will get mad, dattebayo!"
Sasuke looked up from the sandwich he was making to his roommate and their cat.
"…One day, I'm going to kill that piece of rodent crap as you sleep."
"Sasu-teme!" Naruto scolded, "If you lay one hand on Sasu-hime, I'll move out, dattebayo!"
The Uchiha scoffed. "To where? Who'd take you?"
"Sai, duh."
Sasuke glared at the smugly purring cat and pointed a knife at it. "For today, you live."
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Naruto crept into his friend's room. "Sasuke? Can I sleep with you tonight?"
The raven haired boy was about to tell him to go shove it, but something in the blond's voice stopped him.
"Why?" he asked instead.
"I got a call today saying I'm gonna die in seven days," Naruto sniffled, "I'm…scared."
Sasuke's heart melted in a warm puddle of goo. "Fine. But get your own friggin' blanket," he grumbled.
--oooo--
Sasuke rolled over…onto something furry. "REWR!" Sasu-hime shot out her claws.
"ARGH!" Sasuke screamed.
"Maple syrup with ramen?" Naruto mumbled hopefully, half awake.
Sasuke grabbed the hissing cat by the scruff of its neck.
"What is this thing doing in MY bed?" he spat.
"I can't sleep without her!" Naruto snapped, "And don't hold her like that!"
"Pick! Her or me?!" Sasuke snarled, shaking the animal. She mewled loudly, pitifully.
Naruto snatched her away, and she began to purr. "Teme! She's just a cat!" he cried, running out.
"Where are you going you idiot?!"
The front door slammed shut. Sasuke leaped out of bed, ran to the hall, opened the door and screamed, "Well I hope that cat gets run over by a bus!"
His echo answered him, angry and vengeful. Sasuke glared at the world in general before stomping back to bed. He jumped as 'Numa Numa' suddenly began playing into the silence, then realized Naruto had changed his ring tone again. Scowling, he picked up.
"Sasuke-kun?" Sai said, "Its me…hey dickless, shut up," he added to the kyuubi carrier who'd set up a ruckus upon hearing the Uchiha's name, "Naruto-kun will be spending the night at my house. Good bye."
The line clicked. Sasuke glared at his phone, and huffed. But as he crawled back into bed, he felt a pang of loneliness because Naruto would not be snoring in the next room tonight, and it was all because they'd fought over a stupid cat.
--ooooo--the next morning--
Sasuke was half way through breakfast when he realized what was wrong—Naruto wasn't here. He sighed. He missed his roommate, and it wasn't even ten in the morning.
Knock, knock.
"Sasuke-kun, come in," Sai smiled. Naruto narrowed his eyes at his friends. Sasuke took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Lets go back home."
"And Sasu-hime?"
"…" Sasuke turned to the cat. "Sorry…Sasu-hime."
Naruto punched his arm in a friendly way. "I'm sorry too, dattebayo. Let's go, Sasu-hime!"
But the cat wouldn't come. Naruto tried to coax her with everything from dead spiders to fish to chocolate nougat, but she wouldn't move from her place on Sai's couch. When the ANBU Root member tried to move her, she just rubbed herself raw against his skin.
In the end, Naruto gave up on something for the first time in his life.
"It's ok, dobe," Sasuke said bracingly, "We'll get a puppy. They're way more loyal…and I actually like puppies!"
Naruto smiled at him. "You're more loyal then them all, Sasu-teme. I'm sorry, I won't annoy you anymore."
Sasuke laughed. "Don't say that—you're Naruto because of your ability to bug the shit outta me."
Grinning, they went home.
"But," Sai said, lost, "I'm allergic to cats…"
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Cats…are…EVIL.
Ok, no, let's not condemn the whole species.
Sasu-hime is...EVIL.
Heh, sorry cat-lovers.