Missing Moments: Unexpected

Shepard finished her meeting with Councilor Sparatus and Primarch Victus. They were still set on only providing assistance if she could get Krogan support. She hoped that Wrex would be willing to form an alliance with the Turians. If not… she shook her head. Shepard just wasn't sure how she was supposed to settle a thousand year old grudge that still angered the Krogans to no end. Maybe Garrus had some ideas.

The D24 docking bay was overcrowded and smelled like antiseptic. People scrunched together on benches, on the floor, in trailers, it was a dismal sight. She wondered what Garrus was doing do here, but as she neared the far end of the bay, she realized why her friend would choose to spend his shore leave down here with the refugees. She could hear Garrus' voice giving orders, organizing the people there to help the turians who had left Palaven and sought refuge at the Citadel. With all the disarray, these people needed a strong leader like him.

Garrus told her about the casualty reports from Palaven, worry flickering in his eyes, yet determination set in his jaw. After talking about the state of the turian refugees, Shepard just didn't have the heart to burden him with her own worries about garnering turian support for Earth. Right now the wounds were still fresh. He'd just seen his world burn and now was dealing with the poor state of affairs for the refugees of his home planet. It wasn't the time or place to talk about what she could do to get help from the turians if she couldn't get the krogans on board.

Shepard left and checked the time on her omni-tool. There was just over an hour before she had to be back at the Normandy for inspection prior to shipping off and she'd already taken care of all the business she had on the Citadel. Traynor's schedule hadn't given her room to visit Kaidan, but with all her work done, she figured it couldn't hurt to drop by and see how he was doing. Shepard headed for the hospital.

Huerta Memorial was bright and crisp. While it still smelled like medicine, it was much cleaner than the docks. Even here it was evident there was a war going on. There were still so many injured, mostly soldiers from the front lines like Kaidan. Shepard put it out of her mind though. She'd be no good to her crew if she didn't take at least a small moment of reprieve from the stress of the war. The Alliance needed her at her best and she needed to think about something else for a while.

As she reached his room she wondered if she should knock, but the door opened automatically. Kaidan was standing near the window, looking out at the rushing traffic. He turned when the door opened and smiled.

"Hey Shepard," Kaidan started. "I wasn't expecting to see you. I thought you'd still be out for a few more weeks."

"I was in the neighborhood," Shepard smiled and Kaidan chuckled.

"I kind of find that hard to believe." He watched her while she walked up to join him and for a moment Shepard remembered what it felt like back on the SR1 when they used to just chat with each other. "But I'm glad you're here anyway. So, uh… what's up?"

"Nothing much, just getting the usual from the council," she shook her head. Really, she would have thought she'd learned by now.

"Yeah," he scoffed slightly. "I guess you can't expect them to change their ways now. But you didn't come here just to talk about the war did you?"

"No. Actually, I came here to see how you were doing." Shepard paused, talking in his barely there smile. He wasn't going to make it easy on her, was he. In fact, the way he leaned back, arms folded across his chest, she would think he was suspicious of her again. "So, how are you doing, Kaidan?"

"I'm doing well, all things considered. The fractures are nearly healed up and I'm looking to get out of here soon - maybe before you get back from your next tour even. I'm not gonna lie. I was ready to go the last time you visited. But the Doc… well the Doc keeps telling me soon, but it seems like she's always got something else to keep me here."

"The offer still stands if you want me to break you out."

He laughed, "Thanks, but I'm not sure how that would look on your record. I mean, it'd probably be the least of your infractions, but… you know, it might be best not to push your luck too much."

"Are you worried about me, Major?" Shepard asked flirtatiously.

"Well," Kaidan cleared his throat. "I always worry about you Shepard."

They shared a brief smile and in the comfortable silence Shepard dared to stand a little closer to him. He watched her for a moment more before looking out at the traffic again and she followed his gaze. It was peaceful, quiet, like the war wasn't even happening. She could get lost in this feeling.

"You know, we picked up Garrus on Menae," Shepard stated.

Kaidan didn't seem surprised, "Well, Garrus hasn't ever been one to run away from a fight. It must be nice to have him back on board… you know, after all that happened on Earth."

"You're talking about my house arrest, aren't you?"

He sighed. "I know that Garrus stuck around until after your trial." Kaidan sounded regretful. "You know, I always thought I'd eventually come and talk to you. To… I don't know, set things straight, to hear your side of the story. I just…"

"Kaidan…"

His brows furrowed and Shepard could tell he was angry with himself.

"Shepard, I've had a lot of time to sit here by myself and think about what happened and I just don't know that I even wanted to hear what you had to say. It was easier to think that it wasn't you that came back. Easier to think that the woman I loved was really gone. But… I should have been there or at the very least let you explain things to me and I didn't. I wasn't there for you and I'll own that."

"You did what you thought was best. I can't blame you for that."

"No Shepard, I didn't. I mean, maybe to a certain degree I did, but I also did what was easier for me. Because I couldn't see you again, love you again, only to find out it wasn't really you. It started out that I didn't trust you because you were with Cerberus. But it ended up that I didn't trust you because I didn't want to get hurt."

"I can't say I didn't visit you on Earth because I was busy with the Biotics team, or because the Alliance wouldn't allow it. Because if I had really wanted to, I would have. When the truth comes down to it, the fact is … the fact is that I just couldn't bear to." He pinched the bridge of his nose, a sign that said he was getting a headache.

Shepard wasn't sure how to feel about Kaidan's confession. Knowing that he purposefully didn't want to see her… it broke her heart. But at the same time even she'd had doubts about herself when she first woke up and again after Horizon. She questioned whether or not she was just a tool for the Illusive Man, whether she was just as monstrous as all his psychotic experiments. While chasing the Collectors she'd spent countless hours persuading herself she was same woman and that nothing had changed. And after she destroyed the Collector base she was sure she had to be herself, that she wouldn't have been able to go against the Illusive Man if she wasn't. It was enough to convince her, but apparently it hadn't been enough to convince Kaidan.

"You're not saying anything…" Kaidan finally broke the silence.

"I don't really know what to say, Kaidan." It was the truth. She didn't know how she should feel, whether or not she was angry or relieved that he told her. "Do you still feel that way about me?"

"No. I don't." Kaidan sounded sincere. He looked in her eyes and took her hand in his. "I've put this behind me Shepard. I just… I just wanted you to know why I did what I did. Because I can't expect you to be honest with me if I'm not honest with you."

She pulled her hand away. "Well, if we're being honest then…you hurt me."

"I know." Kaidan stepped closer even though Shepard stepped back. "And I can't guarantee that I won't hurt you again. But I want you to know that I still care about you and I want us to get past this."

"It's kind of hard to get past it when you keep bringing all of it back up," she sounded harsher than she meant to. Shepard sighed. "I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to fight either." They looked at each other, hopeful. Kaidan closed the distance Shepard had created between them. "Can we just start over?"

"I don't know, Kaidan. We have a lot of history. You can't just erase that. I'm not sure I'd want to erase it anyway, the good or the bad."

"Alright, I can take that. Can you at least forgive me then?" Kaidan pleaded with her. He looked worried. Worried that her answer was no? Shepard wondered how he could ever think that she wouldn't forgive him. She felt the corners of her lips barely turn up. He always had her forgiveness. From that first moment when she had to push him out of the way of the beacon, she found it impossible to not forgive him.

"In case you haven't noticed yet, Major, I have an incredibly difficult time not forgiving you."

He chuckled softly. "Good to know."

"What about me? Do you trust me?"

Kaidan looked hurt, as if in all this time he hadn't realized how much it meant for her to have his trust. "Yeah. I trust you, Shepard."

She smiled this time. "Think we're done clearing the air again?"

The Major smirked at her, "We could always do it once more on your next visit. Maybe make it a tradition, an air clearing once a week?"

"No, I think I'm okay with this being the last one."

He laughed, "Yeah, me too."

They stayed quiet for a while. The tension that had been there moments ago diffused and Shepard felt her shoulders relax. She hadn't even realized how tense her muscles had gotten at Kaidan's confession. Kaidan also looked more at ease. His posture was less guarded and his brow wasn't creased anymore. Maybe they were finally past all this. Shepard perked up a little.

"So, what about the Spectre position? Have you given Udina an answer yet?"

"No, I haven't. I-I still don't know, Shepard. I think I should, I mean, I feel like I should but…Being a Spectre isn't something I should take lightly, and after serving with you…" He sighed. "I know I can do the job, I just don't know if I can live up to it."

Shepard looked back at him. "For what it's worth, I think it would be an honor for the Spectres to have you. I know I'd like having you on my side."

Kaidan gave her an apologetic look. "You do have me on your side, Shepard."

She watched his face for a moment, wondering if it was true, wondering if he'd finally stopped doubting her. Shepard had to trust that he did, that he meant what he said. The look in his eyes told her he was sincere, told her that he believed in her. And she believed him. When she really thought about it, she never stopped believing him. Shepard smiled then turned back to watch the view, she'd have to leave soon. Kaidan gazed at her a while longer, then watched silently with her. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't how they wanted it. But it was a start.