Summary:

This is an homage to 'Demons', an episode of 'The X-Files' written by Chris Carter and R.W Goodwin

(Personal Demons could be derivatives of the impulses that have been repressed)

Thanks go out to Agent Extremis, my BETA-BITCH :-P

Disclaimer:

Still don't own them. If I did Derek and Addison would have been together by now. ;-)

'Demons' by AgentAddek

Relax Derek, this fishing trip was about relaxing... he thought to himself as he inhaled deeply, breathing in the fresh air as he stood by the lake. He still couldn't believe that he had actually convinced Mark to come with him. Granted he didn't really give him a choice and it helped that they didn't have to travel that far.

Green Lake was mostly popular for the paved paths it had, and was also a major destination for people seeking exercise and relaxation. It wasn't as popular for fishing, which is why Derek had rented a house nearby for the next 2 days. He and Mark would probably be the only ones fishing, so it meant that they had a better chance of catching a lot more fish, or at least he hoped so. He glanced over at Mark who was currently adjusting his fishing pole, he gave him a friendly smile and then turned back to his area.

Mark returned the gesture and continued to fix his pole. Damn!, he thought, he knew there was a reason why he never really fished, he hated fishing. At first he didn't seem too convinced about going on this fishing trip with Derek. A part of him secretly thought it was just a ploy to get him isolated to kill him off. After all, he did sleep with the man's wife...who could blame Derek if he did do it. Mark shook those thoughts away. He was here to support Derek. His friend had told him that he really needed to get away from the city, from his trailer, and especially from the women in his life.

He still didn't know why Derek was so insistent that they did it this particular weekend, but he wasn't gonna argue with him about it. Derek was finally reaching out, trying to re-establish their friendship, and he wasn't going to mess this up.

Suddenly Mark's thoughts were interrupted by Derek words.

"Hey Mark?" Derek called from the spot where he had been for the past few hours.

"Yeah?" replied Mark without turning. He was still concentrating on his fishing pole.

"We should head back to the house. We've been at this for a few hours already and it's almost lunch time. I caught some trout, we can grill it up when we get back." He said, reeling in his fishing line.

"Sounds like a plan to me. Man I'm starving! Let me just grab my stuff and we can start heading back."

Mark started gathering his gear, as did Derek, and then they both walked in silence back to Derek's truck. Mark noticed that Derek had been quiet for most of the drive there and for most of the time spent fishing as well. Actually, what he had just said by the lake was probably the most Derek had said since he'd picked Mark up that morning.

Something was definitely up, thought Mark to himself. Derek will come around though, he always does.

When they arrived back at the house, Derek headed straight for the kitchen while Mark went out to the lakeside deck to start up the grill. Shortly after, Derek made his way outside with the prepared trout in one hand and a six pack of Guinness in the other. Mark reached for the beer to help him out and placed it on the table.

"So I'm just gonna grill these up... they shouldn't take too long. Grab yourself a beer and take a seat." Derek said to Mark as he headed for the grill. Mark just stared after Derek, something was definitely up. There was a reason why he asked him to come down here and he had an inkling what it might be about, or so he thought.

"Well, I really appreciate you inviting me to tag along with you man. I really needed a vacation from that hospital", Mark said as he sipped on his beer. "So you wanting to get away from 'the-club-the-nurses-created-solely-to-hate-you' has nothing to do with it." Derek glanced at Mark with a triumphant smirk.

"Ha ha ha, you're funny! You're a funny guy Derek Shepherd." Mark said mockingly. Derek laughed a bit, then turned his attention to the fish that was pretty much done. He scooped them up and onto the plate and then walked towards the table. Mark had taken that opportunity to walk inside and grab a couple of plates, some utensils, and a few paper towels and had set them all down on the table.

A comfortable silence came over them as they began to eat their food. Mark couldn't shake the feeling that something big was coming, he could sense it in the pit of his stomach.

Just then Derek spoke and broke Mark out of his reverie.

"I'm suffering from panic attacks." Derek said, almost so quickly that Mark could barely understand what he had said. It took him a moment to process the information Derek had just divulged.

"How do you know they're panic attacks?" Mark asked curiously.

"Well, I had some tests taken by my doctor and that was the conclusion he came up with. He said that I needed to relax and deal with whatever stress may be causing these 'episodes'. So that's why I wanted to come fishing... it's always helped clear my mind." Derek said, a bit uncomfortable about sharing this with Mark. There was a time when he could have confided anything in him, but things were different now... they weren't as close as they used to be, they were working on it though.

"So you decided to come fishing, and bring me along for what?... company?... seriously?" Mark was still not completely sure what his purpose was this weekend. Did Derek just want the company, or was there another reason?

"Look, nobody knows me better than you. Well Addison does, but she's gone, and she left without a goodbye...anyway the point is, that you know me and I just... I don't know what the hell is causing this!" Derek finished, a bit exasperated.

"Hey hey, calm down okay, I understand. We're friends right?"

Derek nodded a yes in response.

"Okay, when did the panic attacks start?" Mark questioned, already going into doctor mode.

"Well, I had a couple a little over a year ago, but that was it until maybe several months ago when they began again with more frequency. They got really bad Mark, at one point I thought I was having a heart attack!" Derek said, still a little shaken by what had been happening to him.

"So what did the doctor say was causing them?" Mark asked.

"Well, he said something about it being stress related, and that most panic attacks stem from some deeper issue. He thought that they might have something to do with ignored problems, things from my past or present that I'm choosing not to pay attention to. He even recommended that I go see a licensed professional, and even worse, he recommended a holistic practitioner." Derek laughed self-consciously. He didn't notice that something had registered on Mark's face, an understanding.

"Derek, I don't need to be a 'licensed professional' to tell you what's causing your stress."

Mark waited to see if Derek understood what he was getting at, but Derek seemed oblivious.

"So what do you think is causing my stress?" Derek said to Mark, with a bit of sarcasm in his tone.

"I can't believe you didn't figure this out sooner. Anyone who knows you could have told you Derek. You know, for a neurosurgeon you're a bit dense.

A little over a year ago...let's see... you were pining over Meredith Grey, you cheated on your wife at that prom, which consequently was the last nail in the coffin of your almost 12 year marriage, then I came into town to win Addison back and I made sure you knew that, and even though you and Meredith were together, it was always up and down, then you found out about Addison and I being more than a one night stand, Meredith almost died, should I keep going?" Mark said, almost running out of breath as he recounted the tumultuous year they had all had.

"I've dealt with all of that, I've moved on" Derek stated matter-of-factly. "Meredith and I are fine...we're just giving each other a little space, and Rose was a mistake, I realize that now. As for you and Addison, well you and I are working towards regaining our friendship, I mean you're here... and regarding Addison...I'm over her, she's gone. I honestly don't even know where she's at...I couldn't care less where she is." Derek said unconvincingly.

Mark stared at him with concern, his friend could really be dense sometimes.

"Derek, you haven't dealt with anything. As soon as things were over with Addison you jumped to Meredith, and that relationship, from what I've seen and heard, has been a roller coaster ride from the beginning. Look, I know you don't want to acknowledge the fact that Addison was a big part of your life. I know you say she was, but I don't think you want to believe it. Believing it would only make you realize how much it hurts you not to have her in your life now. Am I right?"

Mark looked at Derek to gage his reaction. He could tell that Derek wasn't too happy with what he had just said, but he was being honest. Derek needed someone to tell him the truth.

Derek stayed quiet, stared out at the lake and took a big gulp from his beer.

"Look, I'm not saying this to piss you off man, I am just calling it how I see it. You never forgave Addison for what she did to you because you never forgave yourself for what you did to her, and I'm not just talking about the indifference or the prom. You know what I'm talking about."

Mark looked at Derek who couldn't look him in the eye, so Mark continued.

"Look, I know that you don't want to think about what you did to her, because it makes it easier for you to blame her for the end of your marriage. You and I both know that's not entirely true. Derek, it's time you hear this...you broke her...you took her pride, her self-esteem...you made her feel worthless and unloved."

Derek was taken aback by Mark's sudden honesty. They had never talked about this. Not even Addison, who had been the one he had hurt so deeply, had ever brought it up, not even in their worst arguments.

"I know what I did Mark, I have never forgotten and I will never forgive myself for that...but she did hurt me back...she slept with you, my best friend, my brother, how could I forgive her? How could I take her back even if I do love her?" Derek asked.

That last phrase didn't go unnoticed by Mark.

"Derek, you had become so indifferent towards her, you hardly ever spent time with your wife, I still don't know why. You were never there, and when you were, you treated her like shit Derek! I know, I was there. You always blamed her for everything...if you woke up late, if you missed a meeting, if you lost a patient, she became your punching bag Derek. You would drink too much, and then you'd come home late and drunk. I know this because most of the time I was there trying to get you to stop yourself from drinking to death. Then on that one stupid night, I know I should have taken you back to my place. You were so angry about something that had happened at the hospital, and then you went home and you hurt her Derek. You violated her, you violated her trust, and even after that, she somehow forgave you."

Derek was quiet for some time. Mark thought that maybe he had said too much, but then Derek spoke again. This time though, he looked Mark straight in the eye, and what Mark saw floored him. He saw so much remorse and sadness, he had obviously struck a deep chord.

"I know I hurt her. I don't know why I did what I did... I just remember getting home, my mind all cloudy from the scotch, and then stumbling upstairs and seeing her lying in bed looking so peaceful and beautiful. I just wanted to be with her. I wanted to feel her, I wanted her to make me feel alive again. I remember walking towards our bed and touching my hand to her cheek. She was startled awake and pushed my hand away. I couldn't understand in my state of drunkenness why she was refusing to let me touch her, as she had been asking me to for so long. Then I remember yelling at her and her yelling back. She was about to slap me so I caught her hand and I held it tighter than I should have...then I tried to kiss her, but she turned away and pushed me with her other hand. I caught that hand as well and pushed her back onto the bed. I remember her pleading me to stop, she didn't want to be with me like that, but I didn't stop, I kept going. All I kept thinking was, I am her husband, she's my wife, and I wanted her."

Derek stopped for a moment, the realization of how much he had hurt Addison hitting him again, ten fold.

"I don't remember what happened after that, I just remember waking up in bed alone. I could hear her in the shower and that's when I remembered what I had done to her. So I sprinted into the bathroom and I scared her half to death when I touched her shoulder. I couldn't stop begging for her to forgive me for what I had done to her. I had forced myself on my wife and she just kept saying it was okay... that I had been really drunk and that she understood why I had overreacted and grabbed her like I did. She told me that after a few minutes she just stopped fighting me because she had missed me and wanted to be close to me even if it meant it had to be under those circumstances. I couldn't believe that she was dismissing this like it was nothing... I had violated her! Even if she did stop fighting me after a few minutes, I had hurt my wife. She said to let it go, so I tried. I did try hard to forgive myself for what I had done. "

Mark silently listened to his distraught friend, knowing that Derek had needed to get this off of his chest for a long time. He waited for Derek to continue.

"Remember those few months when I seemed to be making more of an effort? Really trying?...spending more time with her? I thought we were making progress, but then one night while we were sleeping, I was woken up by her screams. She was having a nightmare Mark, a nightmare of the night that I hurt her!"

Derek put his head in his hands, wiping the tears away from the corners of

his eyes.

"So I did what I do best, I pushed her away. I pushed her away so that when she came to her senses and realized that she hated me for what I did to her, it wouldn't hurt as much. I couldn't bear for her to feel lonely, so that's why I would send you in my place instead. I knew that she trusted you and felt comfortable around you, but I never imagined that she would have slept with you to hurt me. I didn't know she hated me that much. So that's why when I saw you both together I didn't fight for her, because I felt I had already lost her the night I hurt her. So I left, I left to get away from all the pain. Why couldn't she just have told me that she didn't love me anymore after what I did? Why did she have to sleep with you Mark? You are my brother, how could she? How could you?"

Derek stared hurtfully at Mark. This was the first time that he had really asked Mark about what happened between he and Addison.

Mark looked up at Derek and paused before he spoke, he knew that after he told Derek what really happened that night, he might lose any chance of regaining Derek's friendship again. He knew that it would be worth it though, because then Derek would know that Addison had never deliberately set out to hurt him.

"I think it's time you know what really happened that night Derek. What she would have told you herself if you hadn't walked away. You might hate me for this, but you need to know."

Mark took a chance and looked up at Derek, but he couldn't read his face. Well, here goes nothing, Mark thought.