"'Scuse me,...pardon...just tryna' slip by- ah, Sorry" Cody ambled his way through the packed party to the front door, Noah's keys in hand.
"Good night, sir" The door man smiled politely, going to open the door for him.
"Oh, no, I'll just be back in a sec"
He had made it approximately five steps down the front path, looking up as the door closed behind him, just in time to notice something flying through the air.
Then the egg hit him in the chest.
"GAH!"
Man down. Cody was so taken by surprise, and the egg was thrown so forcefully, that he tripped and fell backwards onto the cold pavement.
"Oh my god!" Gwen cried from across the road, her hands covering her mouth. Well, that was a royal screw up. She raced over as Cody picked himself off the ground, staring bewildered at the egg smeared on his chest.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry-" Gwen blabbered as she hurried over, offering him a hand to help pull him up "I was aiming for the door and you just walked out and it was too late, it was already air born, and oh my god, Cody, I am so so sorry!"
Cody was having trouble forming words. What just happened. He needed to process this.
Egg. Gwen. He was covered in egg. Gwen was here. Gwen had eggs. Green eggs and Gwen. Ok, no, now his own train of thought was going off-rail. Focus, man, focus. This isn't exactly how you imagined your reunion with Gwen going, but at least try and think of a good opening line.
"Uh...eggs?"
Good job. Nailed it. Well done.
Gwen laughed nervously "Yeah, I ,um...would you believe me if I told you I was going to cook Heather some good-to-see-you-again omelettes?"
Cody smiled "Sure, lets go with that"
"And shit, look, I've completely ruined your costume" Gwen groaned "Again, seriously, so sorry"
"Ah, don't worry about. It wasn't a good costume anyway"
"Oh, don't say that, it's...what are you meant to be, actually?"
"What do you think I'm meant to be?"
Gwen gestured vaguely like she could conjure an answer from mid-air "Ummm, someone who got featured on Queer eye for the straight guy, maybe?"
Cody winced "Oh, okay then" he laughed.
"It was a guess! Its the pomped up hair and the fashionably monochromatic colour scheme...and your jeans are pretty tight" Gwen smiled.
Gwen was looking at his tight jeans. Cody had to take a second.
"You know, I have a jacket if you wanted to wear it, instead of...walking around with egg all over you" Gwen said, sheepishly.
"Oh, no, it's fine. Actually, it's funny, I was coming out here to grab a jacket from Noah's car anyway and...even more oddly helpful, he has wet wipes in his car"
"Why does he have wet wipes in his car?" Gwen asked, as they walked towards the car together.
"Well, Owen is-"
Gwen held up a hand "Ah. Say no more"
Cody pressed the keys and the car doors unlocked, pulling open the backseat to rummage around for Noah's jacket.
"So, why were you egging Heathers house? Like, any specific reason or just because it's Heather?"
Gwen leant against the side of the hood, crossing her arms to keep from the chill "Yeah, she didn't give me any of the good candy"
Cody smirked as he pulled his head back out of the car , jacket in hand "Any real reason?"
"Hey, that's a real reason. Don't give a treat, gotta' get a trick. I don't make the rules"
"Fair enough" Cody didn't push it "Why egg her house now though? Wouldn't you just do it when you leave?" he asked, pulling his shirt over his head, carefully, so he didn't get any of the egg mess in his hair.
"Yeah, well, actually, I was kind of...um.." Gwen paused, a little surprised at the sudden stripping, and more surprised at the faint trace of abs on Cody. He had...the boy had developed well. I mean he was no Alejandro, but that guy looked like he was smuggling hot cross buns under his shirt. Cody had that 'skinny but toned' thing going on. It was working for him. And as Gwen stared, it was working for her too "Um, I yeah. I was leaving...you know...now" she managed to finish, in time for Cody to finish zipping up the jacket.
"What? Why are you leaving, the parties barely started?"
Gwen looked down as she kicked at the gravel with her shoe "Eh, I...just..."
She rattled a list of possible excuses in her brain.
'I have a headache'
'I have to get up early for work...on a saturday morning'
'My Aunt's toy poodle died and she needs urgent comforting'
'I've been called into service by the Canadian armed forced'
'My contractions have started'
"It's just not really my scene" she shrugged.
Why not a half truth. Gwen decided to leave out the part about finding out Heather was just inviting them all anyway to assist in her desperate grab for attention. She didn't want to dampen anyone else's fun.
"But don't you want to see everybody? It's been years"
"Yeah, I know..." she trailed off "Is that why you wanted to come?"
Cody nodded like it was obvious "Of course. Like, I just got pelted with an egg, and I'm pretty cold wearing this...what I am pretty sure is actually some kind of cardigan and not a jacket like Noah claimed, with nothing underneath it, and I'm probably gonna smell like a chicken coop in a couple hours despite how many wet wipes I use...but, you know. I got to see you after all this time again, so, worth it"
Gwen stared at Cody's smile and found herself smiling too.
"And, um, everyone else of course. Seeing everyone is cool" he added on quickly.
Gwen smiled "Wow. And I was sure all of us we're gonna be assholes in our twenties"
"Oh, well, there's always Noah. He's asshole enough for the both of us" he stared hopefully at Gwen "So...you could come in and see him, and Owen..and Izzy..and me? Hang out with us and maybe not leave so soon?"
Gwen looked like she was considering it, but didn't answer right away.
"I dunno. If I left now I could probably catch most of the good Simpsons Halloween marathon episodes on Fox"
"If you stay 'till at least midnight, I'll help egg and teepee Heathers house with you"
"...You make a good deal" Gwen smiled, shaking him on it.
When she pulled back she glanced down at her hand and frowned a little "Are you covered in glitter?"
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"Wow, Justin kind of let himself go"
"Courtney!" Bridgette said.
"What!? He has!"
"Oh thank god I was not the first person to say it" Katie gasped "I mean, not to be mean, but how can something so right go so wrong..."
"I know, I actually didn't even recognise him when he walked past me"
"Lindsay, you don't recognise anyone" Bridgette patted her on the arm.
Lindsay looked like she was about to argue, then gave an admitted nod.
"Oh, don't be cruel guys" Sadie said "Just because he's a little bigger than he used to be-"
"A little? He's twice his old size. He is muffintopping all over those jeans" Courtney didn't hold back "It's just strange for someone so...vain"
"It's always the ones who are hot as teenagers that end up tragic at college though" Bridgette nodded.
Lindsay gasped.
"Oh, but not you honey. Totally still a babe"
Lindsay let out a sigh of relief.
"Do you guys remember how much we all fawned over him?" Beth laughed.
They all looked at Katie and Sadie.
"Don't look at me, she liked him more" Katie pointed to Sadie.
"You were the one who had him set as your phones screen saver!" Sadie pointed back.
"Uh, only for, like, a week tops. You were the one who made an I-tunes playlist dedicated too him!"
"Justin Timberlake's 'sexy back' was the opener, followed by Beyonce's 'crazy in love" Sadie explained, smiling proudly.
"Mmm, crazy in something, alright" Courtney mumbled under her breath to Bridgette, until she caught sight of Gina, minus Duncan, walking across the room "Ooh, be right back"
Bridgette watched in surprise as Courtney pushed herself off the sofa "What? Where are you going?"
"I'm just gonna' go, you know, talk to Gina a little bit. I barely said hi earlier" Courtney said, flippantly.
Bridgette raised an eyebrow "Why?"
"What? I can't be nice? It's not like she knows anyone else here"
"Who's Gina?" Lindsay asked.
"Duncan's new hot girlfriend" Katie explained.
"She's the devil" said Sadie.
Lindsay made a face "Really, she's that bad?"
"Oh, no, I mean she's dressed like the devil" Sadie pointed over across the room to where Gina had stopped to send a text on her phone.
"Oooh...she is hot" Lindsay said, giving Courtney a commiserating look, and a supportive pat on the arm, like you would give a grieving widow at a funeral.
'I'm sorry for your loss'
'I'm sorry that your ex's new girlfriend has a nicer rack than you'
Basically the exact same thing
Courtney gave a little scoffed laugh "What, like I'm bothered that she's hot? Which she is, I can admit it. I am not the kind of girl who has to tear down every other attractive women in the room because of my own insecurities. Plus, me and Duncan? A lifetime ago. It would be petty not to talk to her, and I will talk to her, because I am not bothered or petty. At all"
"Oh, don't say that!" Lindsay said "You are totally as petty as her!"
Coutney gave Lindsay a withering look and decided she wasn't bothered enough to explain.
"...and you know what?" Courtney continued "She could be my new best friend for all I know! So...you know...I'm gonna go talk to her" Courtney gave them all one last Stepford everything's-ok-I'm-totally-ok smile.
Nobody looked like they believed her.
The girls sat in silence for a second as she walked off.
"I can't believe she's going to be a lawyer..." Katie said "I thought they were, like, meant to be good at lying"
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Courtney shuffled over on her ridiculous heels, keeping one eye fixed on Gina the whole time, zoning in on her like a torpedo heading in for the kill.
I mean. Friendly conversation. Heading in for friendly conversation. She was a friendly torpedo.
"Shit, no, don't die, don't die, don't- Oh you motherfu-"
"Gina?"
Gina whipped around, looking embarrassed to be caught swearing out loud at her phone.
"Courtney!" she smiled "Hey!"
"Yeah, hi!, Um...is everything alright?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry, my phone just died. Obviously forgot to charge it before I left, which I always do, and you'd think I'd learn my lesson now but..." she gestured down at the phone like she wanted to strangle it "Obviously not"
"That sucks. Did you need to call someone? You can use mine if you'd like?" Courtney offered.
"Oh, that's sweet! But no, I was just checking if the pic I put up on Facebook of my cat had gotten any likes yet"
Gina looked like she regretted saying that the second it left her mouth.
"Gosh , that was...probably the lamest thing I could've said" she laughed, embarrassed.
It was a lame thing to say. Fantastic.
"Hey, you have the same phone as me" she noticed "Did you wanna borrow my charger? I bring it everywhere, to be prepared"
Gina perked up a little "Seriously? Oh my gosh, that would be amazing, thank you!"
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"It's alive!" Gina cheered ten minutes later, after the girls had gone upstairs to hunt for a power outlet in Heather's room, and her phone's screen lit up again "Are you sure Heather wouldn't mind us being in her room? Should we ask?"
"Nah, she'll be fine" Courtney waved it off, knowing full well that Heather would care a lot, but that would only matter if she actually found them up here.
Besides, now she had a chance to talk to Gina alone.
"So, what do you do?" Courtney started the interrogation.
"Oh, I'm a lawyer" Gina smiled, and Courtney's mouth dropped open.
"You are not!" she blurted out in disbelief, making Gina laugh.
"Hey, that's what my masters degree tells me. I'm a lawyer. That's how I met Duncan, actually"
Courtney's face darkened "Oh god, what did he do?"
"No, no, nothing like that. I'm in entertainment law" She explained "I work for the company that produces Duncan's show. It's mostly boring copyright stuff, dealing with contracts and their agents...and then dealing with a lot of parents who try and sue us because their kid tried riding a shopping cart down a water park slide because they got the idea from Duncan"
"Wow, that's so crazy" said Courtney.
"I know! Kids are so stupid!" Gina laughed.
"No, I meant about the whole lawyer thing"
"Oh. Right"
"You know, I'm actually studying business law right now" Courtney explained.
"Oh my god, I'm so dumb, Duncan has totally mentioned this to me, I just forgot" Gina laughed, embarrassed.
Courtney cocked her head to the side "Really? Duncan talks about me?"
"Oh, yeah!" Gina nodded "I know he keeps up with you on facebook and stuff"
"Duncan has never messaged me on facebook"
"Oh, I know, he's so useless at keeping in touch with people, he doesn't even bother to write a status, like, ever, but I know he must be reading through his dash because he's always like 'Oh, I heard Courtney got some letter from the dean about her test scores' or something"
Courtney nodded "Cool" she said, a small smile playing on her lips.
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"-but you have to admit, his eyes are still gorgeous" Sadie gushed, as her and Katie peered around a marble column of the foyer at Justin, as he chatted to a couple dressed as Woody and Jessie from Toy Story.
"Yeah, but his jawline is gone, and I don't think he's waxed his eyebrows in months!" Katie said, in all seriousness "And babe, if he hasn't waxed his eyebrows, then who knows what else he's let grow out"
Both the girl shuddered over the prospect of excessive back hair.
"I know, I know, but when you think about it...that's nothing a womans touch can't fix. So he's let himself go, it happens to the best of us" she touched Katie on the arm "Remember when Jennifer from work had a baby, and she let her roots grow out, and wore sweatpants, like, every day for three months?"
Katie let out a soft gasp in remembrance "Oh god, that was tragic. They weren't even Juicy Couture sweatpants"
"And it took the both of us to coax her back into a mall, and eventually, after that intervention, she got back to where she was, as fabulous as ever"
"I still remember when she walked in that morning with a fresh manicure and a new Gucci totebag" Katie had a hand over her chest "It was beautiful"
"But that's what I mean, he's lost his way a bit in the looks department, but looks aren't everything. Remember everything else we liked about him?"
Katie gave Sadie a blank look.
"...we liked other things about him?"
"Yes!" Sadie insisted "His confidence, and suaveness, and the way his voice sounded when we stood behind him in the camp lunch line and he asked for no salt on his fries" she sighed.
"Well..." Katie glanced over at Justin "I don't think he asks for no salt these days, but your right, looks aren't everything, and if you're still interested, I say go for it" she smiled and Sadie's face lit up.
"For real? You think I should? Because I want too? You think I should want too?" Sadie gushed excitedly.
"Yes! Go for it! I'll be your wing woman! I'm so good at being a wing woman, remember when I got you and that cute guy from walmart together?"
"You pushed me into a display of plastic christmas trees..."
"Yeah, but he totally came running to help you and you got his number"
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Noah kept a close eye on a sexy nun and a guy dressed as batman as they walked ahead of him.
They were slowly headed to the same bathroom he was aiming for.
He picked up the pace, trying to cross the vast entryway to make it there before them. Damn Heather and her huge house.
Batman had his arm around sexy nuns waist. Sexy nun was stroking Batmans chest. They were both giggling.
Don't you dare go into that bathroom together, don't you even think about it, I need to pee.
The last few metres Noah practically speed walked but he was too late. Batman had opened the bathroom door, looked around quickly, before ushering sexy nun in and quickly shutting them both inside.
No, dammit, you horny bastards!
Noah cried internally, as he just reached the door in time to hear the lock click.
God, why can't superheroes and women of the cloth go find a broom closet or a pool shed to have sex in, like courteous people would .
"What would Jesus and superman think!" Noah yelled angrily through the door, giving it a thump to really drive his point home.
He scoffed and groaned his way to the stairs, thinking a place like this had to have at least one more bathroom.
…..aaaaand of course there's a line.
A guy dressed like Elvis was waiting outside a door and Noah joined him.
"Bathroom?"
"Yeah"
"Been waiting long?"
"Freddy Krueger and Tinkerbell went in there-" Elvis checked his watch "- twenty minutes ago"
"Twenty minutes? What's he trying to prove?" Noah scoffed, slumping against the wall as he whipped out his phone.
Right this second there we're at least four people getting laid, and here he was playing angry birds and needing to pee.
"Is this the line to the bathroom?"
"Yeah" Noah mumbled, his eyes flicking up for the briefest of seconds.
Then he double taked.
"Oh, holy crap, it's you"
Katie grinned as she leant against the wall next to him "Holy crap, it's me!"
Then he remembered that swearing at people wasn't a welcomed form of greeting.
"Uh, I mean. Sorry, Hi. How are you? What have you been doing? Pleasant formalities" Noah made an effort to actual smile. It was still an effort though.
"Hi to you too ,I'm good and Not much," she said, cheerily answering all his questions "What about you?"
"Same"
She glanced up and down at his outfit. Or lack there of "Couldn't find a costume?"
"No, this is a costume"
"Oh...really?"
"Can't guess what it is?"
"Ummmm...Johnny Bravo?"
Noah stared at her for a solid few seconds "Johnny Bravo?" he repeated, incredulously.
"I don't know!" Katie laughed "You're just in a black T-shirt!"
"And you obviously watched a lot of Cartoon Network growing up"
"I was actually more of a nickelodeon girl" Katie smiled "So what are you then?"
"Steve Jobs"
Katie threw up her hands "And how was I meant to guess that!"
Noah held up the I-phone "Mac product placement?"
"More like you're just lazy" she tutted "Weren't even bothered to dress up"
"Ding, ding, ding, give the girl a prize" Noah mumbled, looking back down at his phone.
"So what about my costume?" Katie asked, doing a twirl "You can tell what I am, right?"
Noah looked up at the leopard print bodysuit, the leopard mittens, the leopard tail and fluffy leopard boots.
"...a dog?" he deadpanned.
Katie just laughed "You're funny"
That made Noah smirk a little. Mostly he just got called an asshole.
The door to the bathroom finally opened and a giggling Tinkerbell and Freddy Krueger stumbled out, with Tinkerbell wearing the Freddy's hat.
"Yeah, classy" Noah called out after them as Elvis disappeared into the bathroom.
As Noah started another game of Angry Birds, Katie wandered over to the balcony to peer down at the party crowd.
"Oh, D.J's here!" she cried out "HI, D.J! HI!" she leant over and waved.
Noah glanced up at her from his phone, and that glance turned into a bit of a stare. Her costume really wasn't much more than a bathing suit with sleeves, and it showed off her very tan, and very toned legs quite nicely. The fact that she had let her hair grow out, and ditched the little kiddy pigtails from years ago, made Noah realise that she was actually really-
There was a flush, and that bathroom door opened to reveal Elvis.
"All yours, buddy"
Noah blinked and shook his head, ducking quickly into the bathroom before he could finish a thought he didn't think he'd ever have.
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Noah sat down next to Izzy on the leather bound couch she was occupying, currently stuffing Skittles down the side of the arm rests, something he noticed but wasn't going to comment on.
"Do you think Katie's kind of hot?" he asked.
Izzy didn't glance up "Which Katie? Katie Holmes? Katie Couric? K.D Lang?"
"That last one wasn't even a Katie"
"It is if you say it really fast"
"It's none of them, I mean Katie from Total Drama, the Katie we both know, the most obvious Katie I would be referring too" Noah said, impatiently.
"Ohhh, her" Izzy nodded "I had a feeling you weren't talking about K.D. Lang"
"Yeah, well, anyway. Do you think she's kind of hot?"
Izzy stared into space for a second.
"Hmm. Yeah. Since she changed her hair. She reminds me of that animated chick from El dorado, with the bangs and everything" she went back to stuffing in more skittles between the cushions "Give me a couple shots of tequila, I'd probably hit that"
Noah side eyed her "Excuse me?"
Izzy met his gaze "...what? Every girl has at least one type of alcohol that turns them a little lesbian, and mines tequila"
"And you're sure this is every girl, and not just you?"
"No, it's sience. E=MClesbianed. Are you telling me guys don't have this? There's not one drink out there that tuns you a little gay?"
"...No"
Izzy shrugged "Well, the Cody and Noah shippers are gonna be real sad about that"
He shook his head "I really wish you hadn't linked me to that website"
"What? There was some beautiful art work posted there. That one of Cody rubbing sun tan lotion on your back was my desktop screensaver for weeks"
"And thank you for letting me know that. Our talks are always great" Noah said flatly.
He was about to get up and let Izzy get on with...whatever she was doing with those skittles, but he was tugged back down by the belt of his jeans.
"Hey, hey, hey, not so fast there partner" Izzy pushed him back onto the couch, scooching up closer to jab a finger into his chest.
"So you know how I've always seen myself as a kind of father figure to you, right?"
"...I wasn't aware of that, but continue"
"Yeah, well, son-" she clapped him hard on the shoulder "I knew there was a time you would start noticing girls. Notice their pretty hair, the way they smell like mixed berries and goodness, how you wished they wouldn't wear harem pants because you know their ass would look so much nicer in jeans-"
"Izzy, I'm twenty three. I have had several girlfriends, I lived with one for a while, it was vaguely serious-"
"SON" she clapped her hand on his shoulder again, even harder "I know this is a confusing time for you and your hormones, but I'm here to guide you" she looked him hard in the eye "You have feelings for this Katie girl? Feelings in the down stairs area?"
Noah tried to get up "I'm not doing this, I don't know why I talk to you-"
"LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER YOUNG MAN"
Party goers stared as Noah was dragged back down to the couch again and held in Izzy's vice like grip.
"Listen to me now while I drop this mad hot pancake of advice on your breakfast plate, son" Izzy nodded in the direction of Katie, who was now at the buffet table instagraming a picture of some cute pumpkin shaped cookies"...You should hit that"
Noah sighed "I'm not gonna do that"
"Why not? You obviously think she's hot, and I can totally tell she's a freak in bed"
"...I'm not gonna ask how you think you know that but-"
"The length of her fingernails"
"-I bet you're gonna tell me anyway"
"But really, why wouldn't you at least try? It's not like you have to even see her if it goes terribly...or even if it went well. Just do it"
Noah finally brushed her hand off his shoulder "I'm not gonna do anything with Katie...because...because it's Katie! Fifty percent of the tweedle dee and tweedle dum couple that was her and Sadie. The matching outfits, the shrieking! Those aren't alluring factors in anyone, let alone someone I would want to sleep with!"
Izzy rolled her eyes "Well, she wouldn't even be wearing anything if you were to get to bed together, and she wouldn't be shrieking either, and no wait, she might be if you do it right-"
"Izzy-"
"Seriously, look at her butt, that's a nice butt"
"Izzy, seriously, can we drop this whole conversation-"
"She's stacked in the back"
"Can we just pretend I never even said she was hot-"
"Imagine how beautiful your obscurely ethnic babies would be"
Noah finally got up and escaped, avoiding Izzy's grabby hands, and fleeing to the kitchen.
Izzy sat back and popped a skittle on her mouth, watching him leave.
"My boy's growing up...it happens so fast"
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"Ugh, I am so glad no ones here to see me at such a Z list party" Brandi scoffed, as her and Dennis staked out a corner of the living room to bitch "I'm seriously considering leaving in the next twenty minutes"
"But we've only been here less than an hour" said Dennis.
"Well, then find something for us to do that's not boring!" Brandi whined.
"I didn't think you trying to get Alejandro to go home with you was that boring"
"Ugh, but he's not even getting any of my hints. I even mentioned I wasn't even wearing panties, and still nothing!"
"Really? Did you say that straight up to him?"
"No, you know how I am, I played it totally subtle. I pretended to trip over and was like 'oops! I hope my skirt didn't flip up, I'm not wearing any panties!"
"Aw, honey" Dennis rubbed her arm as Brandi pouted "I'm sure there are plenty of other guys you could flip your skirt up at"
"I know, but I wanted him. He's the only person here I could actually brag about hooking up with...and it would have killed Heather"
"Maybe that's why he won't do anything with you, maybe he's still into Heather" Dennis suggested, but he earned a glare from Brandi "Just suggesting it! Either that or he's turned gay or something, because your totally hot babe, any guy in his right mind would want to get with you"
Brandi nodded, feeling sorry for herself "I know..."
Then a light switch went off in her head, and she grabbed a hold of Dennis's pirate sleeve.
"Oh my god! Epiphany! I know what to do" she smiled up at Dennis "It can be our new feature article. Alejandro: Gay!"
Dennis gasped in a kind of horrible delight "Noooo, we couldn't!"
"We could!" then Brandi gasped again, another epiphany "We could do it with everyone! All of these tacky wannabes!"
"What? Say that they're all gay?" Dennis frowned.
"No, idiot, we can do a separate story for all of them, Heather included, a 'where are they know' feature on the old TDI Cast. We'll say that the goth chick descended into alcoholism, the dumb blonde one got a botched boob job in Taiwan! Whatever, we'll think of something for each of them. It would sell like crazy!"
"Oh my god, I love it" Dennis smiled "I even brought my camera tonight, we should take pictures too!"
"Yes!" Brandi snapped "Brilliant!...I should see if theres any baking flour in the kitchen. When the photos blurry enough you can totally make it look like cocaine. 'Heathers secret drug addiction: How she hid It all these years!"
Dennis laughed and gave his friend a swat on the arm "You're seriously such a bitch"
Brandi sneered and pushed him back harder after his swat smeared her fake tan "I know, you don't need to tell me"
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A/N: Sometimes I feel like...should I mention such sexual themes in a fanfiction about a childrens cartoon show? But then I'm like nah the internets a cesspool anyway, this is just a drop in the ocean of filth.
And I like to hope none of you are twelve or anything. If you are, stop reading this. Go bake cookies. Learn to knit. Go roll a hoop down a cobblestone road with a wooden stick. Wholesome things
...I don't really know what twelve year olds do these days.