It was getting colder. She didn't mind, the heat of the summers had nearly killed her and she enjoyed not sweating her arse off day in and day out. She relished the thought of going beyond the walls. Yesterday, she had climbed a tree to evade a small herd of walkers, only about 15, heading away from the town, and she had stayed up there long after they had gone, just enjoying the view. She'd almost got caught by a couple of them who had broken free after she got down but managed to take them eventually.
Essie pulled on her jacket and grabbed her hunting knife.
"What have you got planned for today?" she asked as her brother laced up his shoes.
"I'm working with Reg and the others, trying to repair the solar power grid that went down yesterday." he said.
"Did it go down yesterday did it?" Essie began the arduous task of eating her porridge, she hated porridge.
"Yes!" he looked at her disbelievingly, "Why do you think we had to eat cold pasta bake by lamplight last night?"
"Did we?"
"Essie, are you ok?" he asked, the concern he had felt for days finally coming to the surface.
"I'm fine. Why'd you ask?"
"Look, don't get mad at me for saying this but you're going out day after day, coming back later and later. You don't tell me what happens when you are out and I've seen you get back covered in dead but you don't explain; you just get straight into the shower. You're not eating very much and I don't think you are sleeping very well. I hear you get up in the middle of the night. I'm just worried about you." all this came out in a rush and when he had finished, he took a deep breath and watched her.
Essie blinked at him. He felt his skin prickle; he didn't know what her reaction would be, he never did. She sighed and he braced himself.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I hadn't realized. I promise I will be around more often. But at least the other people appreciate the things I bring back? I'm starting to fit in."
Lawrence hadn't the heart or courage to tell her that the Alexandria residents were getting more wary of her, those that weren't in Rick's group that is. They were suspicious of her; of her ability to find things that their own scouting parties had overlooked, her ability to go out alone and come back unscathed time and again.
"Ok. How about, if the power is back on tonight, I cook and then we play some draughts?" he said.
"You're on. You open all the doors and I'll open all the windows." and when he looked blank she added, "you know, so we can play draughts?"
"You're so weird." said Lawrence smiling with relief.
"That, brother of mine, is comedy gold right there. You just don't appreciate it!" she said as she hefted her bag onto her shoulder.
"I love you. You do know that don't you?" Lawrence said and he saw her freeze.
The bottom fell out of her world. She couldn't remember the last time someone had said that to her. She had a vague memory of her mother saying it to her but she had only been about 7 and her mother was probably whacked out of her mind. A boyfriend had said it to her at university whilst drunk and trying to pole down the river but she hadn't believed him, they had split up 5 days later at her instigation. Nobody who she really trusted had said it to her before. She had no idea how to react, no idea at all.
She dropped her bag on the floor, zoomed over to where Lawrence was still struggling to put his boots on and wrapped her arms around him, knocking his glasses and virtually cutting off his air supply.
"I love you too." she said and then released him, picked up her bag and was out the door before he could reply.
She walked north east away from the town, she had been this way a few times so she had time to think. She found herself thinking about how her situation; she was living in a beautiful house with a brother who loved her, in a safe environment with the freedom to do what she liked. She even, tentatively, was starting to build friendships; she liked Michonne, Tara made her laugh, Abraham was a constant source of quiet amusement, in fact all of that group were in some way…good…to have around. She studiously avoided thinking about the most intriguing member of that family. She didn't want to unpick that knot just yet.
She crossed an open field and made her way into the woods beyond.
The day proved unfruitful; she tracked a deer but 4 walkers spooked it. She dispatched them quickly but could not pick up its trail again. It was getting colder and the sun was low in the sky when she made it to the road. She saw Daryl a little way ahead and jogged up to meet him. He had a good haul of rabbits and a few squirrels. He'd been out scouting with Aaron for the past 4 days so had needed some time away from other people when he got back; Essie's company was not an irritant though.
"Hey." she said.
"Hey." he replied as he couldn't think of anything else to say.
"So, I see you managed to kill the entire cast of Watership Down today." she said, indicating towards his spoils.
"What?" he rarely had any idea what she was going on about.
"Watership Down? It was a story about a load of rabbits who need to find a new home as theirs is about to be destroyed but some don't believe it and stay behind. A rabbit has a vision and leads them to a new home but there aren't any females so they join with another group but it turns out they are run by a despot and then they release a dog and everything is ok in the end." She saw Daryl looking at her like she had put her knickers on her head and started to dance the waltz, "Ummmm, it was a cartoon? Bonnie Tyler did the theme song?" and then stopped talking because she was embarrassed.
Daryl gave her a sidelong look. He had never met anybody like her before or after. She was a fierce fighter, he'd seen that; she was clever, not just book clever but smart, a strategist; she could meet someone once and know what type of person they were inside and out; she was dangerous and he still wasn't sure how dangerous. But she was also…in his previous life he might have described her as a rich bitch, his brother certainly would have done. He knew they would never have crossed paths, but that could be said for all the rest of his family. She knew things that he'd never heard of and dropped them into casual conversation as if everybody else would know what she was talking about but she was never stuck up. She wasn't a rich bitch at all.
He had learned a little of her back story and most of it ran parallel with his own; he'd always thought that the rich had everything but it turned out that they were just as fucked as the poor. He'd also seen a bit of what was underneath her tough exterior; when she laughed, and it wasn't often, but when she did, it was loud and raucous and almost unstoppable. Abraham had tried to teach Lawrence to strip a Beretta and had got so frustrated with his ineptitude that he'd thrown the gun that had bounced off the fence, hit Rosita who was passing by, who had then proceeded to berate Abraham for a good 10 minutes; the whole time Essie had laughed until she cried, genuine tears streaming down her face, until she couldn't stand. Rick and Carol were learning to respect her abilities and Deanna was beginning to realize her potential. But more than that, he liked her. She was fiery and broken and weird and totally beyond his comfort zone but he liked her.
"You know, because you'd got rabbits? I thought it looked like Watership Down." she repeated, lamely.
"Yeah, I got that."
"Oh good because you were looking at me like I'd grown an extra head." she said, staring straight ahead, waiting to see how he reacted.
"Nope. Just thinking that you've been out nearly all day and managed to catch nothin'. I was just wandering what you'd been wasting your time on." he replied, staring ahead just like her.
"Did you just take the piss out of me?" she asked, her stomach fizzing a little at this new development.
"Maybe."
"Ok. I'm impressed. But this now gives me carte blanche to retaliate."
He grunted a little and smiled slightly, then bit his lip.
"So where did you go hunt? I tracked a deer but lost it and that was all I saw today." she asked and then thought that might have sounded like she was trying to wangle an invite to go hunting with him and added, "you know because we need to stock up as the season's changing and you always seem to come back with a good amount and you are out with Aaron and..stuff. I just want to be prepared." and finally stopped talking.
"Hope for the best and expect the worst?" he said, echoing her mantra.
"Something like that." she said, relieved.
"I could show you sometime, if you want?" he asked tentatively.
"Oh no, I know you like to hunt alone. I just wanted to know for when you and Aaron are away. My grounds seem to be a bit sparse lately." and then mentally kicked herself up and down the road.
"East of the highway, a couple of miles off the road." he said shortly, he was stung that she'd refused his offer.
"Thanks." she said and they walked on in silence, Essie mentally beating the shit out of herself all the way.
They got back to Alexandria. Eric was waiting for them by the gate, looking worried.
"Essie." he said, "You're not to worry."
Essie immediately tensed up, she knew something was terribly wrong.
"Aiden decided they needed another scout on the run today so Lawrence went with them. They ran into some trouble. He's not bitten" he added hurriedly, as Essie's entire body changed, "but he's hurt. He's dislocated his shoulder, slashed his arm and chest. Pete's with him now and…"
Eric did not get to finish his sentence. Essie had dropped the rifle and took off like a bullet out of a gun. Daryl dropped the carcasses and followed her.
She burst into the hospital house and saw Michonne, Rick, Carl and Rosita round the bed with Pete on the other side finishing the stitches on Lawrence's forehead.
"He's fine. He's fine." said Rick, hearing Essie gasp. She pushed the others out of the way and knelt by the bed.
"Hey." said Lawrence weakly.
"Hey." said Essie, "what happened?"
"It was my own fault. We were out and got caught by the dead. I was trying to get one of them when it pushed me and I fell." he answered, not looking her in the eye.
"What were you doing outside?" she asked, "you were supposed to be looking at the solar grid with Reg."
"Aiden said that I needed to help scout for supplies." he said, still not looking at her.
"Ok." her eyes were cold and blank, but her words were still gentle, "you get some rest. I'll see you in a little while." and she got to her feet. Lawrence grabbed her hand.
"Please don't do anything stupid. It was my fault." he begged and winced as she removed her hand.
She smiled at him and walked past the others, not even seeing them.
Rick knew the signs; you'd have to be blind not to see them. Essie was, at the best of times, like a dormant volcano, quiet but never still and never safe. Now she was about to erupt.
She was out on the porch before he got to her.
"Stop!" he said but she kept on walking. The others came out behind him.
"I said stop." and he grabbed her arm. This time she did not fly into a rage, she did not start to kick and scream. She looked down at his hand on her arm, looked up at him and threw a right hook so fast he didn't have time to blink. He hit the deck and she began to run towards to Deanna's house.
The others got to Rick and she was already 50 yards away and moving fast.
"I'm good. Go, go after her." Rick said to Daryl and he tried to stop the ringing in his ears. The others began to help Rick to his feet and Daryl followed Essie.
She couldn't feel anything except the bright, sharp point of rage that burned in the centre of her chest. It was hot, white and needed to be set free. She heard Aiden talking to Nicholas and stopped running. If she had had her gun she would have cocked it, instead she curled her hands into fists.
Aiden was laughing when she rounded the corner but immediately stopped.
"We needed someone else!" he stuttered, backing away from her, "He said he was ok to come out with us. Look lady, he fell, he wasn't pushed…"
Essie grabbed the front of his shirt and punched him down. He was on his back and she landed on top of him, still clutching the shirt. She lifted him up and punched and punched his face; blood poured from his nose and mouth but she didn't stop. She was vaguely aware of Nicholas shouting but ignored it and kept on pummeling Aiden. The she felt a heavy thump across her back, she didn't register the pain but turned to see Nicholas turning his rifle the right way and sighting it, aiming it at her. She got to her feet and began to advance on him.
"Stop!" he shouted, "Stop or I'll shoot."
"Do it." she said quietly.
He began to move backwards still with the gun trained on her and she walked towards him. She heard others arrive on the scene and gasp at what they saw.
"Nicholas, put the gun down!" shouted Deanna.
"No! She'll kill me." said Nicholas.
"Put the gun down." Rick's order cut through Deanna's next sentence.
"You're right." said Essie, still quiet, "the second you put that gun down, I will kill you. No-one can stop me."
Nicholas held the gun tighter still aiming it at Essie who was still advancing on him. He backed up against the next building and desperately searched for a way out but she was only feet away. He still held the gun up as she came close.
"I'll shoot." he repeated.
She stopped with the rifle nearly against her chest, "The only way you live is if you kill me."
She saw his finger go to the trigger and felt a sense of peace, the world fell away and all she could hear was her mother singing a Joni Mitchell song, there was smell of burning in the air and she closed her eyes.
Suddenly she felt an impact on her right side and she was on the ground with something heavy on top of her. She struggled and kicked out but her hands were pinned to her chest.
"Get him out of here!" shouted Daryl as he fought to keep Essie on the ground. The others manhandled Aidan to his feet; Glen and Abraham dragged the petrified Nicholas away. Rick picked up the fallen rifle and Michonne indicated that everyone should move quickly away.
When he was sure everyone was clear, he shifted to look at Essie underneath him.
"Get the fuck off me!" she cursed.
He felt the heat of her anger burn through her clothes. She was like fire and she was scorching him as he held her down. She twisted her body this way and that trying to throw him off; all the time he felt her heat. She wasn't about to let them get away, Daryl knew she would go after them as soon as he freed her. Her face was very close to his and he looked into her eyes and saw the pain that crept and lurked deep beneath her surface. He also saw the hunger and the need for change, he saw it everytime he looked in the mirror. He felt her breath over his skin; her fire was scalding him.
He hauled her to her feet still with a tight grip around her wrists, he felt the small bones grind and click in his hands. She tugged and pulled but couldn't break his hold.
"What the fuck were you doing?" he shouted, "he'd have killed you!"
"Let me go! You fucking bastard." she yelled, pulling harder.
"No!" he yelled back, "you walked right towards him. He had a gun. Did you want to die!?"
"If he'd have killed me, he'd have been exiled and he couldn't have put Lawrence in anymore danger!" she was still struggling against Daryl.
"What?" he said disbelievingly, "you'd have got yourself killed just for that to happen?"
"My brother nearly died!" she nearly screamed at him.
"But that doesn't mean you should let someone kill you."
"What the fuck would you know? Let me fucking go!" and she yanked hard enough for Daryl to loosen his grip. She staggered backwards, her red hair flying around her like a physical manifestation of her anger.
"You'd get yourself killed just to protect your brother? You can protect him better if you're alive."
"I wasn't there." she cried, "he got hurt and I wasn't there."
"You're worth more than that kind of death." said Daryl, breathing hard. Essie stared at him, a hard stare filled with disdain.
"Don't pretend to fucking know me or my brother. Who are you anyway? A fucking pet, running after Rick and now, running after Aaron. If you're not taking orders you can't function. You're disposable. A disposable grunt, easily replaced. Fuck off and leave me and mine alone." She should have stopped, she wanted to stop but she couldn't. This man had denied her the vengeance she had wanted, denied her the peace of death that she craved in the dark and silence. He had told her she was worth something, what the hell did he know?
Rick reappeared, "Essie, you need to come with me." and cable tied her hands behind her back and led her away.
Daryl breathed in and punched the wall nearest to him. He put his hands on his knees and noticed a crumpled piece of paper on the floor where he had taken Essie down. He picked it up and unfolded it.
It was an old Polaroid of Essie and Lawrence from before. They were sitting close together in a park, the sun was shining, Essie's hair looked fire against her pale skin; Lawrence was looking straight at the camera, grinning, but Essie was looking away. He could see that underneath the smiles she was sad, so sad. He put it in his pocket and walked away.